Frustrations.

Hi Steve,

I'm having a frustrating time right now, dealing with my mother-in-law.  I've never been a caregiver, never wanted to BE a caregiver, and I sincerely don't like being around her very much anymore, simply because I feel so helpless and scared for her.  She had purple lips yesterday and pain up through her shoulder blade and neck, which could mean a heart attack, or other ailment, and it freaked me right the hell out.

I will not know what to do if and when she has a stroke or heart attack or anything like that. I mean, sure, I will dial 911, but that's about all I can do, and it makes me a nervous wreck just thinking about it.  She's so frail and fragile, and her mental illnesses are driving ME crazy.  She's bipolar AND is slipping into Phase 2 of Alzheimers...she's being more aggressive, combative, angry and mean.  My problem is, I take things way too personally, and when she yelled at me yesterday, I was only split-seconds away from telling her off. I left the room and bit my tongue, but I am ready to buy her a one-way bus ticket to anywhere.

I don't really have anybody to talk to about my feelings though...Pete just shrugs me off, because he's used to it, he grew up with this woman all his life, but I most definitely AM NOT used to it, and it upsets me. My mom is experienced with working with older people too, so they both have way more patience than I do, and more understanding than me.  I'm too young to be dealing with an 89 year old who drags me down, ya know? As selfish as that sounds, I'm finding myself beginning to resent her for causing me so much grief for so long. I should be out having FUN, I'm only 42 years old after all, I'm not cut out to do this kind of stuff.

So, I'm having a difficult time right now, feeling frustrated, and then guilty for feeling frustrated, then helpless, then annoyed, then resentful, then guilty for feeling helpless, annoyed and resentful.  It's a never ending cycle really, and frankly it's got me looking up prices for bus tickets for ME.

Ah well.  Her psychologist suggested I take her to a local assisted living place for a Respite Program, but they only have a 2 week program...so that won't work because if I dump her off for 2 weeks at this place, she'll think we betrayed her and put her in a home too, like her stupid nieces did.  We don't want to traumatize her by doing that, but at the same time, she needs to get the hell away from ME for awhile, and I need to get the hell away from HER for awhile.  So, I'm taking her there to spend a day doing the activities they have on their calendar, and I'm not picking her up until the end of the day. That's all we can do.

At some point, as she progresses further into Alzheimers (it's so heartbreaking to watch this happen), she'll have to be there permanently. She does LIKE the place, though, which is half the battle. We took her on a tour of the rooms and she really liked them.  It is a decent place and they treat their clients very well, with dignity and respect. She goes there for physical therapy twice a week, but alas, her prescription ran out. So she's home with me ALL DAY EVERY DAY now, and it's making me bonkers.

Well, I know there's nothing you can do about it, so there's really no point in my complaining to you. I just needed someone to 'vent' to about it. I was going to write an email to the psychologist about some of the things that SHE doesn't bother to mention to him while we're there, but my mom and Pete both told me that "I will be the one looking like a nut, if I send him such a long email about it. He doesn't care, first of all, and he will not even read all that."  I got so upset, having spent an hour typing it all out, that I just said, "FINE, YOU GUYS DEAL WITH HER THEN, I AM ALL DONE."  Then I deleted it.

I'm going away today to shop for a holiday dress. I'm leaving both mom's home. They can sit and play tiddly winks all day long for all I care.

Let me know when you're going to send me that plane ticket to visit you....please send it soon....!!

Bye for now.

Love, Becky