Good morning Stephen, look what I found on EBay...
In all my years of attending record shows, old record stores, EBay searching, etc., I have NEVER seen this Journey album EVER. But, it was on EBay recently and I bought it. I don't know whether it's something new, or an old one that I never knew about, or if it's a bootleg, a promo, etc.? It's a live recording of a concert in Philadelphia in 1984. "Traveling in the universe of the music." Very cool, either way, whatever it is. I did send an email off to Lora to ask her about it also.
I haven't listened to the album yet, Pete has to first dig out his record player from storage. He said he would make it into a CD for me, after that. So, I'm hoping it's a nice sounding recording. I'll let you know once we finally get to listen to it. (You probably already know more about it than I do).
Anyway.....another odd thing....I was checking out Facebook last night, and for some bizarre reason, I don't know how because I did NOT connect to it myself--I got "friended" by Journey. That means, for the very first time, (I didn't even know Journey was ON Facebook because I never looked), I got a message from Journey regarding an upcoming tour in Norway with Night Ranger and Kansas. Well, it's in June actually, but I'm not shopping for plane tickets. Norway is just a bit too far of a commute for a concert.
I started reading all of the comments written by regular fans who also received the message, some of whom voiced the same thing I just did ("I didn't know Journey was even ON Facebook...how did they friend me?") but some of them were still stuck in the quagmire of bickering over the lead singer. Yes, even now! I mean, come on people, get OVER it already. Steve's retired, doing whatever he wants to in life, enjoying his free time for the first time ever, and he deserves it. So he's NOT coming back to head Journey again, he's NOT going to perform again with them, so just STFU about it.
Some said things like, "Steve MADE Journey, he WAS Journey, it's just not the same." But I say, (and so did others), you were just ONE member, you weren't the WHOLE band, the other guys put in an equal amount of hard work and had many musical talents and were already accomplished musicians BEFORE they joined Journey. But the rage continues about Arnel Pineda and how he "tries too hard to sound like you," and some so-called "fans" claim they'll "never" go see Journey again until YOU come back to it, etc. etc. etc., ad nausea. It's really quite surprising to me, but I guess it really shouldn't be, that people are STILL kvetching about it, after all this time.
So, I'm not the ONLY person who misses you. Regardless of the negativity and annoying petty bickering, you should try to somehow take a little bit of comfort in that at least. Like I wrote to Lora today, CHANGE IS THE ONLY SURE THING IN LIFE, so why the hell is the hardest thing for people to accept and adjust to?? It really doesn't make a lot of sense to me at all. You have to ROLL WITH IT, deal with change, adjust, accept it, and just move on to the next thing.
A lot of people were peeved that Journey is touring "everywhere else but in the US." They wrote things like, "Who the hell is going to want to get on a plane and travel to NORWAY?" "Don't they know there is an ECONOMIC CRISIS going on! We can't afford THAT!" and "The boys should get real, their true fans are in the US, not in far off countries." (But I say, "Those are the only countries who still have MONEY TO SPEND on frivolous crap like concerts, so it's actually a smart marketing move! And isn't it AWESOME that they are INTERNATIONALLY WELL KNOWN, not many bands are!")
Anyway, what do I know. I'm just a displaced Pittsburghian who writes on a silly blog every day.
The more I read those comments, the more I kept thinking, "GET OVER IT ALREADY." Then it made me think to myself, about my whole drama regarding Peter and the cherry necklace, "Get OVER IT already..." And ya know, I actually thought I had. It's been 3 years since I moved to Pittsburgh, and the last time I sent Peter an email, I had to write to his son on Facebook to ask for his email address, (he changed it), and apparently that really pissed him off. So, I don't bother anymore. There's no point really, but something nags at me about the whole thing. Something in the back of my mind says, "There is much more to this than meets the eye."
So I am left wondering if he really DOES miss me, if he might STILL love me, if he had a hard time breaking things off with me like I did when it happened...and I wonder if he's ever going to be able to orgasm from a BJ again...he claimed (when I first met him) that he "couldn't." I just smiled and said, "Really? How long have you fooled yourself into believing that? Obviously your wife is doing it wrong. I'll be more than happy to prove you wrong my friend." And I did. I just cannot accept that he would turn into a mean, nasty ogre who just used me and threw me away when he was done. Ya know? I mean I was the FIRST WOMAN in his whole LIFE that gave him an orgasm from oral sex. How can he suddenly hate my guts like that?? It doesn't make any logical sense to me at all.
I mean, maybe he THOUGHT he wanted me to go off to camp and find someone else, but didn't expect it to really HAPPEN that quickly? Maybe he suddenly realized that "he got what he wished for," but changed his mind about it...and knew he couldn't. If there is one thing a good Dom knows, it's consistency. He was always stoic, always straight forward, and always consistent in everything he said to me. His life was very "compartmentalized." That is, he kept his emotions in check at all times, he didn't just say whatever popped into his head without thinking it over first, choosing his words very carefully, and he kept things very separated from each other. But, I guess the same could be true if you're describing a pathological liar also, huh?
Who knows. I should really just get over it. I don't know why it's suddenly come back so forcefully through that dream, but it did. I feel badly about Pete, not knowing what the hell goes on in my head like this, but I see no reason to talk to him about it, what good would that accomplish? He'd only feel badly and I don't want him to feel badly. Part of me still loves the Peter I THOUGHT I KNEW, and that will never change. I figured it would fade after 3 years, but it really hasn't I guess.
I love Pete, please don't misunderstand me. I mean, it's a different KIND of love, but it's still love. I don't know the first thing about marriage, or being a wife. I don't know if I'm paying him a disservice by writing on this blog, but at the same time, he has NOT got the capacity to fully replace the Peter and the Dom that I had in my life for so long, and needed for so long. I do hope someday he will, but at the moment, due to the dream I had about Peter, it's obvious to me that we are not at that point yet. I really don't know if he can ever BE at that point, with me, because I'm 15 years in the lifestyle of D/s, but he's only known me for 3, and still hasn't got the true-Dom skills that I had hoped he would by now. I am much more "advanced" in what I have experienced, what I know, and what I've done with other Dom's, than what I've ever had with Pete. He is simply into spanking, some nipple pinching, and hardly EVER does any rope work with me, (I miss the Japanese kurada bondage I used to do with Peter a lot). Hell, I was more of a pretzel with Peter, he would hog tie me, he would put me into "predicament" bondage, and all sorts of positions that were challenging. With Pete, he doesn't know how to do those things.
Everybody knows there are many KINDS of love. I mean, there's parental love, sisterly love, brotherly love, family love, (and he's like a big brother always pestering me, tickling me, hugging me, bugging me, etc)., so I think of him more as a brotherly protector kind of guy, not so much a sexual beast-Dom, like Peter was. I think of YOU, Mr. Perry, as another sexy beast, (whether you're Dom or not, I have no idea...but mmmmm what a fantasy THAT is)....but I don't really "know" you very well as a person, as a real human being, ya know? I'd like to, but I don't.
So, I loved Peter because he knew me inside and out, he understood the way I think, he figured me out, he could anticipate things and conversations, and questions I would ask. He took the time to really delve into who I am, he dug deep into me, he really just "devoured" me in such a way, no other man ever had.
Pete hasn't really "devoured" me at all, other than some oral nooky occasionally. That's not what I mean at all though, I mean, he is now married to me, sure, but he doesn't really dig very deep into people at all, much less me. He doesn't know how I feel right now, for instance, about wearing this necklace that Peter gave me again, he did SEE IT on me, but he didn't ASK me anything. So I didn't tell him anything. If he doesn't ask, then he doesn't really care, so why should I bother??
I do have to say that, at first, Pete was very patient about the whole thing while I was going through it when I first moved here. He held me when I cried, he listened when I told him about emails or phone calls I still had with Peter for a short time, he tried to comfort me the best way he knew how...but after awhile, his patience grew thin and he barked at me about it, getting tired of being the 'sloppy second' in my life, wanting to be the priority, wanting me to get over Peter immediately so I could devote my time to HIM instead...so I just stopped talking to him about the whole thing.
But a woman....well, and probably a man too....can't just turn off a switch when it comes to love.
We, as "white" people CAN turn off the switch about thinking of racism if we want to, we don't have to think about it, we don't have to give it much thought at all during the course of our day, we can just flip the switch off and go about our business. But a black person cannot do that. The live it every moment of every day of their lives, whether they WANT to think about it or not, it's there, staring them in the face 24/7, 365 days a year. They don't have that "off switch luxury" that we all take for granted. Same goes for love, people just can't flip that switch to "off," and immediately move on like that.
But come on, THREE YEARS have gone by already. When does it get easier? When do you reach the point of finally being able to let go of it? Have you ever reached that point with Sherri? Do you still love her and have fond memories that invade your dreams like this? Am I the only one who's plagued by this kind of thing? It really is quite annoying, but I can't help what I dream.
You've been done with Journey for a long time...more than a decade I think...and yet, people are still not over it. Like you said in a recent interview, "We were married once, and had a child together, so we'll always have that child, but the marriage is over." That's a great way of describing it, but those fans who still bicker are actually PART of that child you created too, at least, that's how they ACT about it. Does that mean you're stuck with it for 18 years until that child is an adult, then you can be free?! I don't know. I don't know if I can survive 18 more years of obsessing about Peter. I'd rather not go through that for such a long time. It's a very difficult thing. It causes me to sit and cry, uncontrollably, it causes me to have headaches, it's in the back of my mind, like he's deliberately invading my thoughts, like he's still got some kind of Dom-like control or hold on me somehow, even though he's been gone so long.
I don't know. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part, to think he still wants to be a Dom for me. The reality is probably this....he has had at LEAST 2 or 3 other submissive women in his life since I left DC, he may love one or more of them MORE than me, OR, he may not be cheating on his wife AT ALL anymore, (like I told him to), and has been fiercely irritable because of it...he may even think I was a bitch at the end, because I did say some "words of steel," that cut through him and made him bleed, figuratively, to some extent. But dammit, I was angry. We all say things we don't mean when we're angry. But how do we take them back?? Can we ever??
He hurt me, so I wanted to hurt him back, and I said things to that end. I knew how to cut him, with my words, and so I did. I wanted him to feel the same level of pain I felt, and to do that, I told him I'd someday, when he least expected it, show up again in his life, to tell his WIFE all about our relationship. He knows, for instance, that I kept every email we sent each other, every chat we had, and printed them out each time to add to a binder that I kept as a diary. I could simply box those binders up and mail them to his wife. He is keenly aware that I have a photo of him and I together, that I could email to his son. His "pissed off" reaction to my last email showed the huge amount of fear that he has about me now.
But, being with someone nearly 3 years, he should KNOW and TRUST that I would never do any of those things, not ever, not for any reason. Why would I want to open Pandora's Box like that?? It would cause ME all kinds of crap, and why would I do that to myself, and to my new husband Pete?? He should know that those words were spoken in anger, when he dumped me so coldly & quickly, after promising he wouldn't. He really should KNOW ME, the way I thought he knew me.
Maybe I just thought he knew me, and he really didn't. Maybe he NEVER cared, he just pretended to. He has cheated on his wife for over 20 years, so he's a great and practiced liar, I'm just one of many. Why would I think I'm any different than any of those other women he cheated on his wife with?? He can smooth talk and seduce, he can nod and smile, he can write lengthy emails in response to mine, sure, but did he really REALLY feel anything for me other than being a naughty boy, caught up in lust??
I'll never know those answers. I thought the questions had dust on them, and cobwebs, and were put away deep in my memory, so they wouldn't cause me to be upset anymore. But here they are, resurfacing, since that damned dream.
Well, I won't waste anymore of your time writing about it today. I have to take my mother-in-law to her psychiatrist. Hell, maybe I need a psychiatrist of my own. Too bad these are geriatric doctors, or I'd ask.
Have a great day wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, and I'll write again soon. Thanks for listening...(reading)....all this, and even if you DON'T actually read it...the fact remains that it helps me to write it.
Love, Rebecca
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