The necklace...

Good morning Stephen,

There seems to be something strange going on with my emails, they don't seem to be arriving to Lora without turning into gibberish.  I'm not sure what's going on, but at this point I don't think she's received the idea of the Journey-opoly game, nor did she get my comments about the Q&A interview that you did. I'm going to wait and see today if she's finally able to read it, but if not, I'm going to have to just call her. "Computers will make our lives easier," my fat aunt Fanny.

Oh well, anyway, in other news....

Pete saw me standing nearby the other night, and said, "You know, when I see you standing there wearing that necklace, I think you're still collared to Peter." I said, "Hmm...really? Even though the chain actually broke? You didn't get that symbolism or anything?" He paused. "No, not really. It still seems like the first few months of knowing you, when you wore it every day and reminded me that you belonged to him." I didn't mention the dream I had about Peter, though.  I don't think I ever will.

He didn't ask me to take it off, so I didn't offer to.  I want to wear it.  In fact, yesterday, I drove to Kmart (where they have gold chains 70% off), and bought a new chain...it was a nearly $200 chain, but I got it for $50. Not too bad, huh? I love bargains!! I'm a bargain shopping fool.  A thrift store diva, if you will.  But it's a much stronger, thicker chain than the original one, it's 18k gold, and it shouldn't get all tangled up like that one did.

Do you think I'm a terrible person for wearing the necklace of an ex-boyfriend?  I really fail to see how it would cause discomfort of Pete---I mean, he's got me as his WIFE now---a legal "collaring" if you will--- and I even have a wedding ring on my left hand, ya know? That should kinda "trump" a cherry necklace, don't you think??  Is it just Pete's insecurity, his fragile male ego?  If so, that's HIS problem, isn't it??  Not mine.  So why should I care?  He has the means to get over it if he wants to.

Why would a so-called "Dominant man," feel insecure about a cherry necklace that a previous Dom gave me?  ------------Yes, Stephen, I am being a stinker.  I fully admit it.  And I have no remorse about it either.  Does that make me a rotten bitch?  I hope not.  The dream I had about Peter was so real, so vivid, and so like the real relationship I had with Peter, that it has "stuck in my craw" a bit, and wearing it was definitely my way of letting PETE know that I was (and still am) missing the old ME.

I even said those words to him--exactly phrased that way, "I miss the ME I used to be."  He didn't understand what I meant, but I explained it, even.  I told him that "the ME I was at the dungeon party, wearing the thigh high vinyl high-heeled boots, the thong panties, the push-up bra, and the collar around my neck---THAT IS THE ME I MISS.  That is the ME I was, before you came along.  This "domestic vanilla wife" shit, is NOT me.  Not at all.  I'm having a hard time trying to be something I'm not.  And I told you that when we first met, I told you that as we progressed and dated, and I told you that before you ever proposed marriage to me.  I even told you that as we planned the damned wedding. You're not hearing me, Pete.  I need MORE of the ME I USED TO BE."

So, if he doesn't get it from THAT, I don't know what else to say to him, to get it through his head.

Like the other night, Pete asked for a bj. So, of course, being the dutiful little subby that I am, I obliged. However, I whispered in his ear, "Next time, it's MY TURN..." and he snored at me as he fell asleep. So today, I reminded him (as he asked me AGAIN for another bj), that it was MY TURN...and so, this time, I did not comply with his request.  Is it so wrong of me to want MY TURN??!!  I mean come ON. Every time I was with Peter, it was "my turn" FIRST, then I'd be all revved up and wild, and he knew it, and he reaped the wonderfulness of my wildness....if you know what I mean. It was a very nice arrangement.

But, that's not how it is with Pete. Neither one of us got a turn today. SIGH.  I told him, in my bratty submissive way that usually gets me a spanking, (but didn't),  "Don't complain when you come home from work tonight to an entirely drenched bed...you'll just have to sleep in it and I don't want to hear a word about it." He chuckled....but I was serious.  I have a few toys, I know how to use them, and I keep the promises I make---he'll be sleeping in a puddle.  If that's the only way to get through to him, then consider it done. I want MY TURN dammit. (My "turn" usually consists of 5 minutes of foreplay, toy usage, and a fountain of goosh for about 45 minutes straight).  And lemme tell ya, if you lived years of doing this with someone, but suddenly didn't have any of it at all with someone new, you kinda MISS IT.  Ya know?  I am only human.

But I am a 42 year old, sexual human, too.  Women reach their peaks around this age, give or take a year or two, so I'm ready for some mighty find goodness more often.  Does this make me an ungrateful brat? I don't think it does.  I think it just means I'm being HONEST about it, and as a submissive, I shouldn't have to ASK FOR IT.  Cripes.  That's what we're MADE FOR goddammit.  I'm just wasting away though and it's annoying.  I may have to seek out another Dom to play with while Pete's at work.  He knows I've thought of that idea many times, he's talked about it with me, and so it's definitely within the realm of possibility---I don't sneak around or cheat on anybody---but if he knows about it, and doesn't mind, then what the hell.

Well, I'm off into the wild blue yonder. Time to see the chiropractor again, and my back hurts.  We never got that ice storm they've been freaking out about on the weather channel.  It's nice and sunny with blue skies today, and near 40 degrees.  I tell ya, being a weatherman is the ONLY job you can be WRONG about every damned day, and STILL get paid.

Hope you have a fun Super Bowl weekend. Think of me, as you watch it, sitting here in Pittsburgh, a frustrated horny submissive woman, married to a vanilla guy, surrounded by all the crazed fans who live here....that I avoid like the plague. They're crazy. All of 'em. And though you may think I am a lunatic, honey, but I am TAME when compared to those people. Seriously.  I'm nothing like them at all.  I do get excited about watching the game, sure, but not to the point where I paint my face gold and black, or get a tattoo of the Steelers on my bum, or own an entire closet of clothing that has the Steelers logo's on it....like many people here do.

Just like with Journey, and Steve Perry----I love you guys, sure, love the music, love everything about you, but I'm not going to tattoo your face on my breast, I'm not going to follow you around everywhere, attending every concert, I'm not going to go broke buying Journey junk, and I'm certainly not a crazed weirdo fan who wants to stalk you.  I'm just a regular naiive kid from Michigan, who loves your voice, your sexy bod, and your highly sensitive personality---because we seem to share that much at least.  I am a write-aholic, an English major, and someone who doesn't have many friends to sit and chat with on a daily basis. I'm more of a loner, and so I write to someone on a blog that I have always wanted to know personally, but probably never will.

I'm harmless, but I'm funny as hell, sarcastic as hell, and a friggin' laugh riot at parties. I'm also a wild woman in bed. That is my purpose in life dont'chaknow.  That, and teaching about the Holocaust.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the Super Bowl, and come on over if you want some of the wings, celery and blue cheese, water chestnuts with bacon, and mozzarella sticks we'll be noshing while the game is on!!  We'll have plenty!!  Football food is in high demand around here, we're lucky we got any!! The grocery stores are usually LOOTED by now...

Love, Rebecca