The necklace....ad nausea...

Hello Stephen,

Last night (after drinking too much caffeine), my mouth ran on and on as Pete and I were falling asleep, so I finally told him that this cherry necklace that I received from Peter doesn't have the same meaning to me as it did when he gave it to me...which led me to mention that when I first moved here, only a week after Peter promised me he would keep in touch via email and phone calls, and when Peter suddenly decided NOT to keep in touch anymore--a 360 out of nowhere that I never expected, that left me feeling all alone and scared and vulnerable--the kiss of DEATH for a submissive woman---

....during all that, I told Pete last night that the situation reminded me of the time when I was 19 and wanted to marry this guy I met through the Journey fan club newsletter penpal section....and at Christmas he gave me a promise ring, and we planned to have me travel to Ohio to meet his parents for New Years Eve...so I spent the whole week buying a new dress, getting my hair done, my nails, packing, etc., the night BEFORE I was to leave, he calls me up and says the whole thing is OFF, he never loved me, he didn't want to see me anymore, he just wanted to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, etc. etc. etc.

It left me devastated, I really thought I was in love, he had just signed papers to join the Air Force and wanted to take me with him, and at 19, I wanted the HELL out of my home town, to see the world, so I was all excited to be a military wife....(naive and stupid maybe, but I'm a dreamer)....and I lay in bed for FIVE SOLID DAYS, without eating, without bathing, without getting dressed, I didn't even want to drink water but my mom made me.  I just wanted to die.  I thought my life was over.  Ten years later, when the Gulf War started, I wrote to the guy's mother, to say "I hope he'll be safe if he's going there to fight..." and she must have given him my letter, because HE wrote back to me, explaining and apologizing for what happened. He told me then that my DAD had threatened to make his life in the military "very difficult" for him if he married me, (my dad was in the National Guard, he couldn't do anything REALLY but at the time, Michael didn't know that).

So.......when Peter suddenly did this 360 on me, completely abandoning me and leaving me high and dry when I first moved here, I had only been dating Pete for a few months, I didn't KNOW him very well yet, and frankly I didn't TRUST him either.  I believed THEN, when this happened, that he and Peter had a similar conversation without my knowledge, and Pete may have told Peter to leave me alone.  It has been in the back of mind ever since then, but as I chatted on and on about this last night, I think I struck a nerve.

In fact, when I said this, and how it reminded me of when I was 19, and that I had been through a similar situation, which dredged up all of THOSE emotions of feeling devastated all over again, well, Pete didn't say ANYTHING in response, but this morning, he suddenly got defensive about it---- "You really think I would do that? You think I would tell Peter to back off and leave you alone?" I said, "I barely knew you when I moved here Pete, I didn't trust you, I have no idea if you would do that or not. The point is, I didn't expect my DAD to do it when I was 19 either, but he did, so this situation reminded me of that and caused a whole lotta grief to come back at me in addition to the grief I felt about Peter. " Then I waited a minute, and he sat in silence, so I finally asked, "Did you do that, did you converse with him without my knowledge? Did you ask him to leave me alone?"

He paused. Then he said, quietly, "I didn't talk to him at all after he refused to meet me in person."  But, I've been living with Pete long enough NOW, to know when he's lying to me.  And, I'm afraid he is.  I just nodded, knowing he just told me a lie, and walked out of the room.  They DID exchange several emails without my knowledge, and I know this for a FACT because Peter TOLD ME they did, and sent me copies of each one.  And when I suggested that the two of them meet in person, they both AGREED to, but then Pete told me he heard from Peter who suddenly didn't WANT to meet him.  Whether or not THAT is true, I don't know.  I may never know.

Anyway, so now Pete knows that I suspect what PROBABLY did happen, and he was somewhat agitated when he left for work this morning.  He got all pissy about the newspaper being thrown in the wrong place, and called the newspaper to bitch about it.  I pointed out that there were about 10 newspapers behind the bushes near our front porch, but he never once called about THOSE.  So I know damned well he was agitated, and took it out on the newspaper person over the phone. "SOMEBODY was supposed to call you yesterday but DIDN'T, to complain about this...so I'm calling now because it's happened TWICE in two days."  Normally, Pete wouldn't waste his time on frivolous stuff like that.  I didn't call, because I didn't think it was a big deal. Maybe our normal newspaper guy had a week off for vacation, or maybe he quit, who knows, it might be a different person who didn't KNOW that we wanted the newspaper to be put on our front porch.  I was just giving the guy a break, ya know?

But, that illustrated agitation only proves to me that Pete is definitely bothered by my conversation regarding Peter.  I even told him that the wedding ring on my finger has much more meaning to me than a cherry necklace, but that didn't seem to appease him much.  I said, "when a piece of jewelry loses its meaning, it just becomes a piece of jewelry, nothing more."  But, I also added that I couldn't give the promise ring back to Michael, and I couldn't get rid of it at all until NOW...and I'm 42 years old.  I just sold it to one of those "Cash for Gold" places last week. They removed the diamond from it, broke it in half, and gave me money for it.  But it took me 25 years to do that.

Anyway......I have to go to my chiropractor. Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca