Lately I have been reading several discussion boards on FetLife...(a BDSM web site community). On this website, there are dozens of theories regarding BDSM that anyone on FetLife can discuss. I once tried this philosophical musing myself, actually, when I first started getting involved in D/s at the age of 30. I was so green under the gills, and yet I thought, "Maybe if we form a submissive women's group, we can get some much-needed support and answers to questions about ourselves..." Silly me. I actually thought other women WANTED to know why they were submissive. I was wrong. We had one meeting and then dissolved, and I still had no answers.
My first question to the group was, "Where does this need or urge to be submissive stem from in your life?" I had a few people say, "No idea, I don't question it, I just do it." But my answer to that was, "But unless you know WHY you do it, or where it started and how you developed it, you won't really know where to take it from this point..." Some women answered, "I was molested/abused/raped at a young age..." (so they have little or no boundaries and cannot always tell the fine line between abuse and Dominance/submission). Some so-called wanna-be "Dom's," take full advantage of that also. They prey on women who have a history of abuse, because those women don't know how to break that cycle, and will continue to allow themselves to be abused.
I knew that as a kid, I loved watching movies and cartoons that had women being tied up to railroad tracks or trees, or whatever, with gags on their mouths, the "damsel in distress" thing was a huge turn on and had me riveted to the screen, mesmerized and tingly all over...not realizing WHY I felt that way, but just knowing it was exciting.
So today I thought I might tweet your twiddle or twat your waddle by discussing some of these theories. I don't know how much knowledge you have about this lifestyle, (if any), so I'll start with something basic that most everybody questions when they first learn about BDSM...and some of the comments people have made....(very thought provoking)....I learned a lot from this, and I thought it might help you learn too...
Also, I have BOLDED some comments that ring true to ME, and my experience in this lifestyle...and/or things I agree with wholeheartedly.
QUESTION/THEORY: "Is BDSM a replacement for addiction?"
A: "As best as I can determine, the intensity of BDSM supplants the desire to return to the previous addiction. Or, in some other way, it satisfies a deep and persistent need to realize intensity of a similar nature."
A: "BDSM does touch into the neuro pathways and does produce a high level of endorphins streaming through my body, but cannot compare, I think, to an unnatural chemical high."
A: "It might be an increase of sexual addiction, with more intensity."
A: "Addiction is not about shopping, sex, food, drugs, booze....addiction is the obsession and compulsion to continue doing something you wish you didn't have to. I think the "rush" is addictive and people say you get a high from it. Addicts "use" to stimulate or numb. You wannabe UP or Dowwwwnnn. Look at the lifestyle. Who gets up and who gets down from the scene. My opinion, be it humble, but well versed from my own experience, strength and hope...the play places are filled with normal non-addicts, and a bunch of addicts too."
A: "I wonder a little bit if the journey of recovery, particularly with established methods encourages people to get into the BDSM scene? "To Thine Own Self Be True," and the entire journey of self-discovery that perhaps other people aren't forced to do in the same way or with the same intensity. I also wonder whether a long period of time in addiction adds a level of intensity to a life, so people miss the intensity, but get it through BDSM?"
A: "Recover is discovery--we learn to get out our inner demons or kinks. Learn how to live life without covering it up or numbing it down. Some addicts live high risk, high intensity lifestyles in addictive addiction. I can see the need for it to be replaced."
------------SIDE NOTE: Stephen, have you ever watched the movie "SECRETARY," with James Spade in it? This next comment reminded me of that film....it's a very good one, by the way....
A: "I'm not sure if BDSM is addictive or if I just like pain. I have used physical pain since I was 12 years old and found my mom's diabetic needles and my dad's wood shop staple gun. It was a coping mechanism--whenever I felt angry or sad or anything I didn't want to be feeling, I would hurt myself, and through the physical pain I would stop feeling whatever I was feeling and would only feel peaceful and calm. So, throughout the years, I would crave the pain in order to "down" myself. I don't know if that's really addicted, but to me it sounds a lot like, "man, I need a drink after that work day," type of thinking. BUT, as I got older, BDSM has become a sexual turn on as well, so no longer is it JUST "I need pain" type of thing, it's just another form of foreplay that I enjoy..."
A: The original person who asked the question has now commented on WHY he asked it.....
"I ask because I don't like to knowingly prey on vulnerabilities. Taking submission from a person that has been the recipient of abuse their whole life is both depressing and seems exploitive. Sure, some people may use this as a way to process that life experience, but there is no joy in it for me. To receive submission from the defeated is, in my though process, a form of tyranny. I take no pleasure in this. Give me a strong woman who yearns to release her power, share it with me and take mine in exchange, exiting the scene as equals...well there in lies my pleasure." (MINE TOO)!!!
A: "There is such a thing as "the addictive personality" in people. The theory is that some people have a tendency to engage addictive activities. BDSM could be considered in that category. Some people do get a "high" from this. Basically anything that provides a person with any kind of high could potentially be an addictive process. People sometimes become addicted to harmful processes. That's when it gets noticed. I don't know what that means really, but I'd say that people with addictive personalities (who may have been addicted to other things before) may drift toward this activity."
A: "People do run to kink as an escape and a destination for fulfillment based on external structure, standards and activities. It never works in the long term as is no different than anyone who runs to anything to hide and escape." (MY COMMENT: I disagree. I've been involved in D/s for 13 years now and it still makes me happy, and I still love it, and I will never be able to go back to plain old VANILLA. I am not "hiding" or "escaping" into anything, I am simply allowing my demons to exist, embracing them, and expressing them in a safe, sane and consensual way with like-minded people that I trust implicitly. While the rest of the world is corrupt and I don't trust a single soul in the vanilla world, when I am in a dungeon full of Dom's and sub's, I trust them all with my life, and I am never let down, disappointed, or hurt in any way...I am accepted, I am trusted, and that higher level of consciousness and trust is one that does not exist anywhere else in this world).
A: "Well, considering that the endorphin process allows for dopamine, seratonin and naturally created morphine to be released in ones own body it is a very interesting question. Also many seem to get into a frenzy about their next pain fix so I think it might be worth considering."
A: In response to the original person's comment above, this person wrote:
"Don't assume that those who have been addicts or abused are weak and defeated, you may find this is your downfall...often times people who have "recovered" or are in recovery have resilience and strength people who have not suffered sometimes do not possess. After all, what is more powerful than someone who has succumbed to their demons, embraced them, and overcame them? The worst thing you can do is feel sorry like this for abuse survivors...I am afraid that there are more survivors than ther are NORMAL people out there. What could be stronger than a woman (or man) who has taken back her power from her abuser(s), became whole, became strong, but then who trusts deeply enough the person she loves and adores to give over the power she KNOWS she possesses? I am one of those women; it took 13 years of devotion and patience before I submitted to my darling husband and he says that my choice to do so comes from a place of more power than most people could ever imagine. An addiction, maybe, but who could avoid being addicted to such depth of a soulful connection? Love is the human addiction and many addictions are fed through love or a lack of it....Be careful of the assumptions you make though, in this lifestyle we can make so many and often times that is when we get into upset and misunderstanding."
A: "I think there are two dimensions to this. One is the actual physical element. Let's briefly recall what Endorphins are, courtesy of Wikipedia: "Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm, and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being."
So certainly I think that endorphins induced through excitement, pain and orgasm can probably have an actual biochemical function in supplanting addiction. And much of BDSM is focused on the production of Endorphins. But, going a step further...I think you have to look behind what often drives addictions. Addictions are often driven by anxiety self-hate. In the case of girls, you often see a drug addiction or alcohol addiction form as a secondary element of an eating disorder, which was driven by self-hate. Without going into all the details, the BDSM environment provides a place to:
---Legitamize self-hate, allowing it to be experienced without a subsequent loop of guilt
---Investigate and force the exploration of fantasies that drive self-hate, often fantasies of doing violence to others (which are sublimated as violence to self) driven by anxiety or abuse
---Place validation of self into the hands of others. While we're traditionally taught that this isn't bad, it's clear that some people are unable to validate themselves and need external validation. D/s is often focused on this.
A year or so ago, I was struck by the extent to which the traditional 12-step program and traditional slave-training are very similar. I think that D/s has the potential to bring much of the internal re-ordering that allows an individual to overcome an addiction. I don't think you can consider BDSM a "treatment" for addiction. But I do think that along with many other positive lifestyle choices it has the potential to help build a lifestyle that allows for resistance to, and recovery from, addiction."
A: "As a speculation, I would like to flip the Original Poster's question around...Instead of speculating that recovering addicts are attracted to BDSM, what about considering that a predisposition to BDSM may actually contribute to addiction? How many people spent years searching for something missing in their lives, questioning who and what they were, their place in life and their ability to love and be loved--when the very thing that was causing all that self-doubt and insecurity were their kinks and urges? Especially when those same kinks and urges are socially unacceptable and even considered (by some) to be vile perversions? Reaching for a bottle, a joint, or a needle might seem reasonable. Part of the recovery process is to learn about yourself and learn that you are loveable...that must be a life-changing release...If you spent half your life thinking that wanting to be beaten and tied up made you unloveable (and drinking or taking drugs to help cope), then you suddenly learn that being yourself is OK, and that there are even people out there who actually love you BECAUSE of your urges....that is an amazing epiphany."
A: "I think that the motivation is more whatever drives us intense people to prefer moments of increased creativity, productivity, sexual ecstasy, etc., is something we are BORN WITH, that runs in families, that permeates our lives."
A: "I am addicted to pushing myself beyond any limits I thought I had, so I can create new barriers to be broken. Not only physically, but psychologically, mentally and emotionally as well. I am addicted to the anticipation of what is to be and the high after it is accomplished. I am addicted to the unknown. I have an addictive personality. I have been addicted to people, places, social situations, anything that curiosity gets the best of me about. Everyone is an addict in some form to something regardless of the admittance of dependence. So there are two recovering addicts, one goes to Starbucks and orders the same coffee every day, sits int he same chair outside with the same pack of cigarettes, the other prefers to serve her master coffee and sit at his feet. Are they not the same?"
A: "BDSM sets my mind up to handle things that usually drive me crazy. In the past I would turn to drinking or long hours in front of video games to help me deal with work stress and family problems. Now I focus my attention on learning about my place in this "lifestyle." I spend the majority of my time planning and researching kinks that I like. I also put most of my emotional stress and my fears of no longer being dependent on substances and OCD rituals into a little mental box. I only open it when the rest of my stress has been taken away with "play" or spending time with other people that are into D/s type activities. When my head is clear I can handle my problems. Being in a D/s relationship washes away all the little things that pile up in my head during a stressful week."
A: "In recovery, a zest for life, for living more fully, more creatively, first piqued my interest in BDSM. When the obsession for drugs and alcohol was lifted, I found that I was able to feel; to give and to receive pleasure. As long as I don't find myself becoming obsessed with the lifestyle, I will continue to consider it to be one of the many blessings that comes with emerging from the darkness and being fully engaged in life. BDSM is not a substitute, it's a gift of sobriety. At least, it is to me."
A: "I don't know if BDSM is a replacement for, or simply another outlet for, that type of need. Certainly there are chemical changes in the brain during extreme stimulation. The connection I see is more OCD, bi-polar amnia perhaps. People who would be more apt to addiction. I have found it odd that no one is drunk etc., in the lifestyle where I've been. I would have expected some to indulge in liquid courage. Perhaps it's a group that has risen to a higher level, certainly there is a degree of sophistication among those in the lifestyle. It's something I've noticed and made mental notes of."
A: "I have also found that people in recovery tend to be stronger and more resilient than "Earth People." As to addictive personalities, speaking for myself, I have found that my ADD has been behind many of my past addictive behaviors. Today, I consider my ADD to be a blessing and not a "disorder." Most creative people have ADD as do most addicted people. I wonder if FetLife members were to take tests for ADD, if we wouldn't find out that there are more ADDers in BDSM than there is in the average population (10%). I am drawn to the lifestyle because of the opportunity to be creative, explore new experiences and to be intellectually challenged. It may become an addiction and I am OK with that. ---SQUIRREL!! hehehe"
A: "For some I think they use it as a form of therapy rather than an addiction."
A: "Sexual addiction, whether "vanilla" or "kinky" (a sham separation, btw), is usually expressed as promiscuity and/or obsessive preoccupation with sex. The latter pathology, of course, is exacerbated by our instinctive desire to fuck, colliding with cultures which simultaneously arouse (ie. advertising, mass media, etc), and frustrate (ie. religious values, criminal codes, scarcity of available partners, etc)., these desires. These facts make adolescence a sexual minefield for everyone, and too many never get past their issues."
And now, I will end with this one....
A: "Addiction is not related to the subject but the addict. People can be addicted to anything. There are numerous documented cases of addictions to pornography, tattoos, plastic surgery, video games, gambling, sex, shopping, theft, and countless other activities which have no biologically addictive agent and which the vast majority of people are able to regularly enjoy in moderation with absolutely no temptation to "overdo it." My sister says she is addicted to therapy! Addiction is the name we give an activity which is being used in place of a balanced emotional life. An alcoholic numbs their emotions with booze. Video game addicts turn the volume up and play on hardcore so they don't have time to think about it. Sex addicts get the "love" they won't admit they needed any way they can get it. I work with addicts regularly, I'm not making this shit up.
People who want to replace their emotions with an addiction could develop an addiction to ANYTHING. I know a woman who collects dolls so obsessively that her husband bought her a 5 bedroom house to keep them in. This is separate from the house the actually live in. The whole house is JUST dolls. This woman clearly has some front page issues. Is BDSM an addictive behavior? Not inherently. Are most BDSM participants junkies who are always looking for the deeper scene and the edgier experience? Not hardly. Are some BDSM participants using power or pain as a replacement for emotional experiences? OH HELL YES. Is this bad and wrong? Not really, as long as they're staying within the bounds of safety and consent. People do what they need to do to get by. Someone who's addicted today might actually develop a healthy relationship with their own issues later, and be able to enjoy BDSM on a more traditional level."
And finally, this last thought about kink...
You and your boys in the band summed it up many years ago in one song...."Anyway You Want It." I may have some of that sex addiction, I don't know, but I was often found in relationships with married men...it felt "safer" to me, to have them come over for a short time, get jiggy with it, then leave. I got the "love" I needed, but not the pain in the ass RELATIONSHIP part...and it seemed to work just fine for me for many years. I was always "the other woman," but with that came a lot of guilt too, especially for those men's families and kids, that always tore me up to think that they could lose all of those people they love just because of me. But, I was with Allen for 8 years, we worked together at the Museum for 6, I was with him for 10 really, but when I was in Michigan after 9/11, he called me twice a week every week for those 3.5 years. So, the relationship was really much longer than that, just sporadic, and not at all physical during the fall of 2001 through 2005. I was with Peter for 2.5 years, talked with him every day either on a chat room while he was at work, a text message, or a phone call, and/or in person. I spent most of my 30's horizontal with married guys, and it made me happy at the time...though NOW I look back and feel rather sad for myself at all the HEALTHIER relationships I missed out on because of it.
But in my life, I was 8 years old when my father told me he never wanted a daughter, he wanted me to be his SON...so he could go play baseball and sports with him. From that day on, I could never please the daddy. I spent most of my life TRYING to please the daddy, to no avail. I was set up to fail at a very young age. Then I loathed the daddy for about a decade or so, to my mid-20's, and resented him and the fact that nothing I did ever made him happy, so SCREW HIM, THE BASTARD. I also knew at age 10 that he was cheating on my mom...and the OTHER WOMAN MADE HIM HAPPY. I subconsciously decided that I wanted to be just like the other woman, so I could make the daddy happy.
So then I went on to be "the other woman," and you know WHY??? I do. I know exactly why. Because those married men were GOOD DADDIES, and I PLEASED THEM. And for me, it worked. They weren't getting the love/sex they needed from their wives for whatever reason, and I provided that for them, and they stuck with me for many YEARS...not just a one-night fling or based only on the sex. They provided the ability for me to please the daddy (at the same unhealthy time of hurting their kids by participating in adultery, sure), but it was the closest thing I could ever get to actually pleasing a daddy, and I grabbed it and held on fiercely to it, as long as I possibly could.
Now, I don't need to be with a married man to be happy, or to please the daddy. I've learned and grown from those mistakes, and I've moved on to something better, and more healthy with my husband Pete.
Hope I gave you some things to think about, and if you already know this stuff, then perhaps you've gained a better understanding of MY thoughts on this subject too, just from the stuff I bolded above.
Have a great week, I'll chat with you again soon. I love you Stephen...I may also be addicted to you, but hey, there are many other worse things in the world to be addicted to, right?! *wink*
Love, Rebecca
No comments:
Post a Comment