A blast from my past...

Hello Stephen,

How are you?  Hope you've been working hard on that new album of yours, I can't wait to hear it!  And I know, deep down in your gut, you REALLY wanted to call that song, "Oh Becky," but you went with Sherri instead.  Ah well, it's okay, I forgive you, ya big lug! Just don't let it happen again dammit.

I got a shocker today, while cleaning the kitchen. Our new landline telephone rang...(Florence is 89, she can't hear a damned thing on a cell phone, so we had to get a landline for her)...so I answer it, and there's a deep male voice on the other end, asking, "Is this the (INSERT LAST NAME) residence?"  I said, "Yes it is..." and he said, "Is this Rebecca ___?" and I said, "Ummm...who's asking?" (I hate telemarketers), then he said, "Is this the former Rebecca (maiden name)?" and I said, "Yes, it is, but who are YOU...wait a minute...I know...is this Mr. A. ___?!"

And it was...my best and closest friend I had in DC for 10 years, not to mention I was his "other woman" for that whole decade...(ahem)...my old flame....I will call him "A" because I don't want him to get into any trouble.  I haven't heard from him in a couple years!  I was floored!

I said, "Uhh...wow, A, it's great to hear from you! But how the hell did you get this landline phone number?! We just had it hooked up last week!"  He then made an evil laugh, "Mmmuuhahahah, you forget my dear one, I work for Homeland Security. I know ALL THINGS about you and EVERYBODY!"

(Now do you understand why I don't want to get him into any trouble?!)

Then he said, "You know those airplanes and helicopters flying around your house? That's me, keeping an eye on you for national security reasons, you crazy rabble rouser!"

I love A.  And hey, it always helps to have a friend in Homeland Security if I ever get into trouble!

He called me to say he's getting divorced. This is not a big surprise, really, (though sad in some ways, especially for his kids)...but ever since I've known him, he's been on the skids with his wife who, from all his descriptions about her and their relationship, was a total hag...(ain't that always the case? The wife is always the evil one, the bad guy, the bitch who treats the man like dirt...yeah yeah yeah, I've been the other woman a couple times, I've heard it over and over...same ole same ole).  But, I tried from the very beginning of our friendship to give him marital advice...which is hilarious because I know nothing about marriage...even now...nearly one year into my first one ever.

Nope. Really. No clue. (I just nod and smile a lot, pretending that I know what I'm doing).

So, I tried my best to give him some relationship advice at first, but then our "having lunch" meetings turned into more than just marital advice and hard luck stories about how abused he was...he suddenly kissed me one afternoon, and from then on, we were entangled into a big fat mess that we both knew was wrong, but didn't really care.  He would come over a lot, after work, so we saw a lot of each other for a long time.  Then I left the Museum and moved back to Michigan, but ya know what?  "A" STILL CALLED ME every week---sometimes twice a week---and he even called me, "His Becky." He said he would keep in touch with me no matter what life brought our way, because I was special to him, and always would be. He said to me once, with a look of incredulousness, "You really love me, totally, and unconditionally, don't you?" He was amazed that I did, apparently, and he said, "I've never had that before...it's nice."

Well, naturally when I met Pete and started dating him, I thought all that smarmy crap with "A" just fell into the abyss after I moved to Pittsburgh, but apparently he was talking with another one of our former coworkers the other day and my name was mentioned, "have you heard from her at all?" and so "A" decided to access the Homeland Security database to find my phone number.  He actually took the time and energy to sneak into confidential databases of information to find me.  I feel rather flattered---and paranoid---at the same time.

So he's getting divorced, and mentioned that "it has been 21 years" since he's been to Pittsburgh. (Could he be a little more SUBTLE with his hints?!)  The boy is horny, it's obvious, and embracing his newfound single-ness as a divorced man.  I told him to STAY SINGLE, don't rebound, don't get sucked into any soap opera bullshit with other women, and just LIVE HIS LIFE being SINGLE for awhile.  He agreed, and said he had a "lady friend" that he met and was starting to get to know better, but otherwise, they've never hooked up or anything.  It's just casual friendship right now, I guess.

He and I were almost caught a couple times by his wife...she had some inclination that he was fooling around, but couldn't prove it.  Once, he got into a fender bender on the way home from my house, and didn't tell her about it. The insurance company called, and talked to her about it, and she confronted him about why he would be traveling on the highway over near Fairfax at that time of day, when he lived way on the other side of the beltway.  I saved his ass on that one...*good old enabler me*...by sending him an email that he could print out and show her, which was from one of our coworkers who was having a house warming party that evening, and I instructed him to tell his wife that he decided to stop by for a few minutes to say hello on his way home.  WHEW.  It worked.  I'm a devious evil wench sometimes, but I love the guy, so what else could I do??

I just didn't want to be the cause of him losing his kids in a nasty divorce, ya know?  Because his wife had repeatedly threatened to take the kids and leave the state if he ever divorced her.  I could never live with myself if that had happened and I was the one to blame.  That would devastate me.  So, for purely selfish reasons, (after all, CYA is the #1 rule in DC), I saved his ass a couple times with ideas like that.

"A" was my boyfriend for the entire 6 years I was in DC, and kept in touch with me every week for 3.5 years while I lived in Michigan, and then we hooked up again after I moved back to DC in 2004, and we were together until I moved here to Pittsburgh.  In fact, I saw him AND Peter simultaneously for many months, and both men knew of each other.  They kinda "shared" me.  However, Peter was a Dom, but "A" is, unfortunately, very vanilla.  He is very curious about the kink, like most vanillas are, of course, but he's also not into it...well, not really...though he did try once.

He did the sweetest thing one time...I'll never forget it...he came over, and said, "I have a present for you," and opened up his bag to show me a very awful, very cheap, vanilla-Spencer's store type of "whip," which was really a joke---the lamest whip EVER in the universe---and he said, "I bought this for you, so I could give you what you like."  It was sweet, it was thoughtful, but he didn't know how to use it, and I said, "It's the thought that counts, but let's skip that."  He was really being sincere, thinking I would love him to use a whip on me...but it just wasn't quite REAL, as whips go, and wouldn't cause me to feel much of anything, sting or otherwise.  It was just very sweet of him to try though.

Another thing he did once, was drop an envelope on my desk, that had a thumb drive in it for my computer, with the instructions, "read these instructions thoroughly, and follow them exactly as written." I read the message on the thumb drive, which said, "Tomorrow, you will take the orange line train from work to the New Carrolton train station. You will wait at the entrance on the north side, and you will bring with you the panties you've been wearing all day, and hand them to me when I greet you."  Then, when I arrived, there was another note...that led me to another place where another note was waiting for me, telling me where he was waiting in his car, and he gave me another note when I got INTO the car, that said, "We will now be going to a hotel, where I will ravage you for hours, and you have no choice in the matter."

I thought that was awesome.  He was being Mr. Mysterious, and it was fun!! What a cool idea!!  Nobody had ever done such a thing for me before, and we really enjoyed playing like that a lot.  We talked about, but never DID it, going into a restaurant, and he'd sit across the room, acting like we didn't know each other, and then suddenly bump into each other "accidentally," then we'd both say, "Oh, EXCUSE ME!" and then we'd start making out ---just to freak everyone out in the place! hehehehehe

Good times.  He was creative that way, and I loved it.

Well, today on the phone, he was definitely hinting about wanting to see me again, now that he is "a free man," and asked me how Pete would feel about that.  I said, "well...Pete has lots of female friends, in fact, he had 3 women stand with him at our wedding, one he's known since 5th grade, and the other 2 he's dated before he knew me, so we're both cool with each other having friends, even if they were romantic friends at one time."  Yes, it's true, we do have an agreement...we can "play" with others, but not have intercourse.  If you're both mature enough and don't have any jealousy, it can work that way.

Ya know what I find to be absolutely ridiculous? The whole Anthony Weiner thing.  I mean COME ON, so he took a picture of his UNDERWEAR.  What the HELL is wrong with people?  So what if the underwear surrounded a large bulge...you couldn't SEE IT, there was no SKIN involved, no PUBIC HAIR, either!!  There was NOTHING pornographic about it.  Not one damned thing.  It was a pair of UNDERWEAR, like a friggin' HANES T.V. COMMERCIAL for cripes' sake!! The man should NOT have to step down as a Congressman because of that.  It's utterly ridiculous, and it makes me sick.  People need to get OVER themselves--I mean, really, everybody just needs to get butt-fucked more often, and LOOSEN UP about it.  Seriously.  If more people got fucked up the ass, there would be LESS people all riled up about a picture of a man's underwear.

Sorry to be so crude, but dammit, this world is unbelievably messed up, and it's shit like THIS that makes me sick to see our "news" media covering ad nausea when we have multiple WARS going on!! When the hell did we go from caring about Viet Nam, Civil Rights, and protesting war, fighting for peace, caring about people, to suddenly CRUCIFYING someone for being an idiot and sending a picture of his underwear to somebody on Twitter?!

WHO THE HELL CARES if he shares his underwear with somebody else other than his wife!!  He didn't have SEX with the woman, he never MET the woman, he was just FLIRTING (stupidly, yes, I am not condoning his behavior, he's an idiot, sure, but aren't ALL politicians? Isn't that a pre-requisit for going INTO politics?!)....but to ruin a man's CAREER because of it, is just plain retarded beyond all retardedness and frankly it makes me feel so damned disgusted, I want to show up at all the news media offices and smack each and every news anchor upside the head for it.

Okay, sorry, I got off the subject there....but JEEZUS people, get over it. The guy is narcissistic, but the use of cell phones with cameras have MADE US ALL MORE RUDE, OBNOXIOUS and NARCISSISTIC, it's not HIS fault, I mean SHIT, he's got a great body, why NOT show it off? We are all constantly bombarded every day, in every direction you turn, by SEX.  There are t.v. commercials that have innuendo about sex, there are magazines, t.v. shows, movies, sex sex sex sex everywhere, and yet people go ballistic about a photo of friggin' UNDERWEAR with a BULGE in it?!!  Give me a break.  The double-standards in this country are just unbelievably out of whack.

"Here, America, look at SEX SEX SEX all the time, constantly, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but remember, you can LOOK, but DON'T TOUCH!!  Otherwise, if you TOUCH---YOU'RE FIRED---even if it's just for taking a picture of your UNDERWEAR!"

What the HELL is the DEAL?!!

Howard Hughes, bless his soul, is probably laughing his ass off, and is going to write one hell of a Playboy article about this idiocy very soon.  I feel bad for him, knowing his little 25 year old girl-bride decided NOT to marry him after all.  Sheesh, how dumb is HE?!!  Did he really WANT another Anna Nicole Smith kind of situation?? Really?? Good Lord, why are men so goddamned stupid??

Ahem.  Sorry.  Present company excluded of course. *wink*

Anyway...so...back to my illicit affair with a married man....(HA!!)  Shaddap you, I know I am a hypocrite, and I fully admit it...I'm just more justified in my righteousness than those other guys.

BLEAH. That's all I can say about it.  That really is the bottom line. BLEAH.  Life is just confusing. There doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to it anymore.  It's all just a wild stoner-trip through vagueness, idiocy---a mind-fuck of gigantic proportions, WAY beyond anything any hippy has ever known before.

Okay, so, to reiterate:

It was nice to hear from an old friend, someone I care about, and always will.  Whether or not he REALLY comes to visit, remains to be seen, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm sorry his marriage didn't work out, but I'm also relieved, knowing how unhappy he's been for at least 10 of those 15 years.  I hope he'll be happier now that he's single.

I wish the same for Howard Hughes, though for him, surrounded by those bunny-girls all day, every day, I do not believe it will be possible for him to remain single for very long.  He'll rebound, mark my words.  That little skank even TOOK HIS DOG!!  Can you believe THAT?!  It's one thing to leave him standing at the altar, sure, but taking his DOG?! WOW! That's just beyond all bitchiness that I could ever muster up towards someone.  Don't mess with a man's PET, dude, that's just not right. Break his heart, or like Elvis said, "slander his name all over the place," that's one thing---but don't mess with that cat, or that dog, or whatever pet he's got.  That's just stepping over the LINE of human decency!

Ah well, what do I know. I haven't exactly made the best decisions about men and relationships either, but I CAN voice to heaven above, God, and every deity in existence, I have NEVER sent any lewd or naked photos of myself to ANYBODY on the internet, in my entire life.  Never have, never will.  I might show a little cleavage, sure, why not, I've got 42DD's, I'm allowed to have a little cleavage.

..................OOPS.................D'OH!!!................OMG................FUGG!!!!

Oh CRAP!!

I just remembered.   HA!!  Oh God, I'm such a damned liar.  Shit.  I totally forgot about this until just now....and this was MANY YEARS AGO....in my early 20's....but, dammit, I did send one photo, ONCE, by email, to my (then) Navy boyfriend...hehehehehe...crap crap crap, I can't believe I did that....but I decided to send him a nice Valentine since he was overseas at the time, so I took some bright red lipstick and painted a HEART around my cootch...and wrote, "Happy V-Day Sailor" above it.  It's just my cootch though, no face, no name, nothing.  Coulda been a cootch belonging to ANYBODY. hehehehehe  (That was his all-time favorite Valentine, by the way).  I was rather popular with the sailors on the USS Enterprise that year.

.........Ahem..........(blush)

Gotta go. I'm embarrassed, and need to go rinse my own mouth out with soap now.

Love you, Mr. Perry. I hope I've made you chuckle once or twice...but oooh I feel so dirty!! *wink*

Your favorite wild and raunchy--but devilishly loveable---buddy in Pittsburgh,

---Rebecca