Stress is going to kill me. And you too.

Hello Stephen,

My sincerest apologies for yesterday's rant.  Sometimes, I just need to "vent." I will also tell you that, for most of my life, including now, I have had a very difficult time dealing with stress.  In the end, I believe stress will be the main cause of my death someday.  I really do.

Living in DC was very stressful, on a daily basis.  And, I lived there 10 years.  So, I probably shaved off another 15 years of my life just by living there and dealing with the stupidity of DC.  Then, add the Diabetes, another 10 years gone, and the high blood pressure, figure oh maybe 5 more.  So, I really do NOT expect to live to be very old.  Who knows when the cancer will show up and accelerate it even more.

Yeah yeah, I am just a ray of sunshine sometimes, I know.  But, I am really just being realistic.  (Pessimists always say that, you know, when optimists confront them about it. So, it's obligatory that I toss that in.  It's in the contract I had to sign years ago to join the pessimist society).

I started to read an interview you gave awhile back, (didn't quite get through the entire thing yet), but it was interesting---and endearing----to read that you "don't know if your heart can take it," regarding making more DVD's like the Houston concert because of the hurtful feelings you experienced while doing it.  I didn't know you had edited that yourself either---that's very cool, that is really awesome--and I enjoyed it very much...yes, I own it, and yes I love it.  I also love Captured because it was in Detroit, which is where I first saw you during the ROR tour.  So that album has always been my favorite.  Journey is one of those very rare bands who can sound even BETTER when playing live, than in a studio.  I would LOVE it if you did more of those someday.

BUT, my gut reaction and advice to you (if I may be so bold), would be to skip those DVD's for now, do your OWN music, focus on YOUR album, YOUR comeback, doing it YOUR way, in total control of every little thing---because if you EMPOWER yourself by doing your OWN project first, you will inevitably, and emotionally, gain more self-esteem, more confidence, and your HEART will then be more prepared to DO another one of those DVD's later on.  Besides, you KNOW you want to, that is obvious from what I've read of the interview so far, it's just difficult for you to take that leap of faith. However, to grow, and to move on, and to overcome those feelings of insecurity, you'll have to leap. It's as simple as that.  And, it's as complicated as that too.

As for MY crazed venting episode yesterday, I figured, "Ok, I've screamed at the universe (via Steve Perry's blog), so I should be FINE the rest of the day.  However, that's before "Miss Florence the Bipolar Evil Twin" decided to show her gnarly face.  Oh yeahhhh, that was fun.  She started yelling at me when I took her to the salon and dropped her off, like we always do, and picked her up later.  But this time she was all pissed off at me.  "How would YOU feel if YOU were dumped off for hours and FORGOTTEN, and left all ALONE (surrounded by salon girls pampering her), with no way to get back home?"  I said to her, "Well Flo, if it's that hard on you, we'll never go back again, how's that?"  And lemme tell ya, that shut her RIGHT UP QUICK.

Later, after we got home and she had a good cry and laid down for awhile ---I should add, she had a kid's meal from McDonald's on the way to the salon, of 4 chicken nuggets and a mango pineapple smoothie, and apple slices, but I THINK that the smoothie made her sugar spike and crash, causing her to be very irritable, and tired, and cranky---so I understood that might be happening, and I gave her a Now and Later to suck on during the ride home.  She felt better by the time we got home, and I sat her down at the kitchen table to have a talk with her.

This is how I roll...rather than let things fester and ignore them, figuring "she'd forget it all anyway, so what's the point," I tend to prefer confronting the issue, and nip things in the bud right when they happen, so we can move on.  Not many people like this approach, however, and it has backfired many times on me in the past.  But, I still do it.  I still believe it's the most effective way to get through problems.

...........SIDE NOTE.........if you didn't quite catch the subtlety of my previous paragraph...that is exactly what you and the boys of Journey NEED TO DO.  Time has passed.  Ultimatums were given, and NOBODY reacts well to ultimatums.  But, to stop all communication and ignore the situation will never allow it to heal, so that you can all peacefully and amicably move on and still maintain a friendship. And, Stephen, if I may be bold once again, YOUR SOUL NEEDS THAT CLOSURE.  Whether you like it or not, Mr. Perry, you are part of the problem.  So, YOU need to take responsibility, and rise to the challenge, and rise above Neal and Jon's petty bullshit, to try and make amends.  Cut the crap, life is too short, you'll all be too old and senile soon to remember any of it anyway, so work on getting through it. Confront each other---schedule a meeting, where you're all in one room together, even with Arnel, and sit down to have a BITCH SESSION.  But, structure it in such a way that you each get 10 minutes of "venting," by phrasing things as, "This caused me to feel hurt...and what I heard you say was...and how I reacted to what you said was...and what I'd like to try and do to work through that hurt is...and we owe it to ourselves, and each other to work things out..."

That kind of psychological mumbo jumbo really does work.  You just have to do it.  Don't let it fester anymore.  Those guys took the one thing you loved most in this world and HURT YOU WITH IT.  I've been through that with the Holocaust Museum, so I know exactly how painful that is.  They left you to feel bludgeoned, cut, bleeding and hurt for too many years.  Your soul has had to carry that stress around too long, and it's not doing you one bit of good.  Get rid of it.  Get closure.  Find peace.

This is how I dealt with Florence, after she threw a fit in the car on the way home...I figure, she's going to die soon.  I don't want this to go unattended, I don't want it to fester, and I don't want it on MY conscience either, the guilt would gnaw at me forever after she's gone.  So, I'm just going to confront it:

"Florence, you were having a low sugar episode. I am diabetic, I know what those are, and how they affect people. The fruit smoothie was too much sugar, and you have crashed, which makes a person very grumpy and tired.  Your temper tantrum was cause mostly by THAT, not by anything I did or didn't do. It is not your fault that you felt that way, and it's not your fault that you had angry feelings towards me. It's the sugar's fault.  Now, I had the salon girls do too many things with you, for too long of a time, and I didn't realize that it would be so tiring, because you've done all those things before.  So, next time we go, and we WILL still go again, because I know you enjoy it, we'll only have ONE thing done at a time...either your hair, or a facial, or a manicure, or a pedicure, but we won't do all those things at one time anymore.

BUT, you need to know, that sometimes, I need a BREAK from being with you---sometimes, I need to GET AWAY FROM YOU, because there are days when you drive me friggin' CRAZY.  I know there are days when I drive YOU friggin' crazy too, and it's GOOD for YOU to get away from ME too.  (She agreed).  So, you need to get out more, get out of that damned bed you sleep in all the time, and you need to socialize.  It's GOOD FOR YOU to have a salon treatment, it's GOOD that you talk to other people, it's GOOD that you occupy yourself and engage yourself in something different from time to time. Right? That's what your doctor has told you, that's what your psychiatrist has told you, that's what your physical therapist has told you...and that's what I am telling you too. (She agreed).

And furthermore, TELLING ME how you feel, is much better and more effective if you simply SAY, "I felt as though you just dumped me off..." rather than unfairly throwing a childish temper tantrum and accusing me of doing that, because darlin', I would NEVER "dump you off" anywhere, I NEVER "ignore you," I would NEVER "abandon you," and I would NEVER "leave you alone" anywhere, at anytime, EVER.  In all the years you've known me, Florence, have I EVER done that to you?  (She answered, "No.")  I said, "that's because I love you, and you're my family, and family TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.

She sighs, and then says, "Well, you left me there, all alone, I don't know anybody, I felt scared, and when they called you to come get me, it took you a long time to get here so I was afraid you forgot me." (She knows those girls, which is why we drive clear across town to go to that damned salon...but, it's her Alzheimers speaking here, her memory is failing and she doesn't remember them).  Then I explained, "My mom and I went to a store to buy her a refrigerator, then we had to go to Wal-Mart (GAWD I HATE WALMART SO MUCH but my mom loves it), which is about 15 minutes away from the salon.  They told me you'd be done by 4:30, but they called me at 4:10, which was EARLY...I was checking out and it took me 15 minutes to get to the salon from there, that's all."

She hadn't though of that.  She hasn't driven a car in many years, and forgets that it takes time to get from point A to point B.  I drew on the table with my finger, the route to and from the Walmart to the salon, and why it took 15 minutes.  She then seemed to understand.  I reiterated that I got there as quickly as I could, and she looked gorgeous.  When I told her that when I first put her in the car, she blew up at me, "THAT IS A LIE, YOU ARE A LIAR, I AM NOT NOR WILL I EVER BE GORGEOUS AND YOU KNOW IT, SO DON'T SIT THERE AND TELL ME LIES!"  To which I looked back at my mom (who whistled, "holy crap" style), and I turned to Florence and said, "Have I ever lied to you about ANYTHING Florence?"  She didn't answer me, just turned and looked out the window.

"Sorry you feel that way dear, but it's not a lie. You look gorgeous and I'll say it over and over if I want to, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it, so you might as well ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT."

While we were discussing these things at the table later on, I reminded her of this, and hugged her while saying, "Florence May, you are beautiful both inside AND out, and I never want to hear you say you're not, ever again, do you hear me? I do not lie about such things, nor do I say them very often, but when I do say something like that, YOU KNOW ME, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say." She agreed.

And then she felt much better, and I breathed a sigh of relief, and everything was fine once again.

Now, I have no illusions that if YOU scheduled a bitch session with Neal and Jon, that things would go as well as this did with Florence...you COULD wait until they are senile, or have Alzheimers, it might make things easier.  But, if you wait too long, Stephen, just like Clarence Clemons suddenly croaked, one of them could simply DIE tomorrow.  Ya know?  Ross is lookin' kinda sickly lately...all that smoking can't be good for him....what if he keels over and has a heart attack and dies??  What would you have wanted to say to him before that happens?  Whatever it is, GO SAY IT NOW.

What if Neal has a brain malfunction (God knows he's had many of those over the years, the idiot), and is suddenly in a coma in some hospital somewhere?  Would you be allowed in to see him?  This shit I'm bringing up here is real, and it's realistic, you're all getting OLD, and won't be around much longer.  Sorry to say that my love, but it's true.  You're my mom's age, 62, and typically men don't live much past 70.  So, GET BUSY LIVIN', or GET BUSY DYIN', just like the movie Shawshank Redemption says. If you all continue to ignore the festering cancerous problems between you all, then you're too busy DYIN' inside to really feel at peace with life.  Make sense?? Why the hell would you want to live like that??  What good can ever come out of it??  NONE.  Absolutely NONE.

Sorry to lecture you, I just love you very much, and knowing that it hurts your heart to even listen to music you helped to create, is not fair.  You deserve to be able to listen to that music, and feel GOOD about it.  You deserve to be happy, and peaceful, and move on from the bad feelings you've had all these years.  But nobody is going to hand those to you on a silver platter, no matter HOW rich and famous you are.  Nobody gives a rat's ass how rich and famous ANY of you are, because NEWSFLASH, you're all OLD now, and they are still beating a DEAD HORSE DINOSAUR BAND, to most people out here in la-la-land, who are young and buy CDs regularly.  Nobody really gives a crap about any of you guys, except us die-hard fans who have loved you all forever, since day one. That's the harsh reality of it all.

So, suck it up.  Be a man.  Get some cajones, and call them up.  Schedule a meeting.  Sit down, WITHOUT LAWYERS PRESENT, have some beers, order a pizza, and BITCH AT EACH OTHER, once and for all, but first and foremost, AGREE TO DISAGREE if things get heated....DIFUSE the upset if it occurs, hell---if you guys don't know how to do this stuff, hire a goddamned psychologist or mediator to be there, to guide it along---but do SOMETHING to remove this pain from your soul, and do it NOW, before it's too late.

Do I make myself perfectly clear Mr. Perry?  I expect better of you than letting this eat you up inside. So grow up, and get those idiots in a room, and sit them down, and VENT at them, tell them how you feel about what was said and done, and let them vent at YOU, and LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY, because they have valid feelings about it all too, whether you agree with them or not.  Communication is the only key to resolving problems, you should know that, you're 62 years old for Christ's sake.  If you don't communicate with them, and one of them dies tomorrow, you'll never get the chance to end it.  The pain will be carried around forever, because it has nowhere else to go.

And don't you DARE sit there and yell at this computer screen about how I should "follow my own advice, Miss Bitchy Nag from hell in Pittsburgh, and talk to your own DAD to work out THOSE feelings."  Cause, I'm sorry to say, too many years have gone by to rehash it all now.  And yes, you'll say the same damned thing to me when you read all this, and you're right, it has, sure, I understand.  What I see, as a big difference, though, is that you guys were BROTHERS, you LOVED each other, you grew up together, you had wild adventures together, you had a major huge BOND between you. My dad and I never had a bond at all.  So, I am speaking to you from a similar experience. My dad is 71 years old I believe, he won't be around much longer, and I have no plans to attend his funeral.  I don't even know him.  So, I really have a blank feeling about him, he's like a stranger to me.  I don't hate him, he's not a larger-than-life OGRE who is evil, he's just a stupid man who made stupid mistakes.  Everybody makes mistakes.  What I do with those mistakes, is up to ME.  How I live with them, is MY business, and there's nothing he could ever say or do to make me feel any sense of closure whatsoever because it's already been closed in my head, and my heart, for a very long time.

Don't call me a hypocrite, even though I know you want to.  I'm just trying to talk some sense into that thick damned gorgeous skull of yours.  You cannot sit there and tell me "I've tried all this before," because I know damned well you haven't.  According to your friend Lora, nobody has bothered to try. So, get off your duff, and call them.  Take that leap of faith, one last time in your life, and do it.  Living with regret is worse than dealing with confrontation.

I love you Stephen, I really do love you, more than the sun and the moon...so that's why I'm writing this stuff.  Not to piss you off, not to make you hate me, but to say, "We all have these issues, in our lives, with someone we love, and feel hurt by. What you DO about it, is what dictates your level of health, and peace in your heart. Only YOU are in charge of that.

If Neal and Jon give you shit and negativity about scheduling a meeting, talk to them on the phone. Tell them, "just hear me out, I want to work through this, and reach a better understanding of each other. I think we owe it to ourselves, before we die, to break the ice and come to some kind of peaceful closure." If they are too obtuse or stubborn to do it, then just go ahead and let it fly, and VENT, "You treated me unfairly, it hurt me, you took the one thing I loved most in this life and hurt me with it, so I hurt you all back legally, and now we're at a standstill, after being BROTHERS for so many years.  It's wrong.  In God's eyes, it's a sin. We need to get over this, and be friends again, before we die. If you don't agree, then just sit here and listen to me, I need to get it off my chest once and for all so I can move on."

I know men don't do these things, they don't think this way, they are impossible to convince about stuff like this, so if I have fallen on deaf ears, that's fine, it's your pain you'll have to live with, not mine.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca