How are you today? I'm doing okay, but I'm suddenly being thrust into my past because I've discovered some things in a box today that instantly took me there.
Have you ever had a moment like that? You are just going about your daily regular routine, without any real thoughts about anything in your head, but suddenly you stumble onto something that triggers a lot of memories from your past, and it kind of makes you stop and sit down and just lose your grip on reality? And suddenly you're reliving those moments, those words you said, those things you did, those people you were with, etc., and the whole day just suddenly becomes a weird time warp?
Well, that's where I'm at right now. In a weird time warp. (Noooo, not from Rocky Horror).
When I first left DC to move to Pittsburgh, I was still very reluctant, scared, and truly believed I would be going BACK to DC at any moment, so I kept in touch with Peter those first few months. He was my only real connection to my old life there, and I wanted to keep that relationship, even if it became only a friendship, going. Well today, I found some of the instant messages that he and I wrote every day, (which I printed out and kept in a huge binder...I have every conversation that we ever had on paper)....and I re-read them.
I am weird that way, a pack rat, I guess....I used to have pen-pals everywhere too, and I kept all of their letters, put the date on the back of each one, and wrapped them in rubber bands, and put them into a filing cabinet. Every letter my grandmother sent me, or my uncle, or anybody who wrote to me regularly, was kept in boxes. Hell, I still have every letter from my Navy boyfriend in a box! I know, it's strange, I realize that. I'm one of those people who believe that, when I'm sitting in a nursing home, bored to death one day, I'll at least have something to read that keeps those memories going until my brain turns into slop.
I really should just dump them all into a garbage can and forget about them.
But the conversations between Peter and I were often very intense, and I wanted to 'gnaw' on them awhile afterwards, to think about them, to dissect and analyze them....so I would print them out and 3-hole punch them, and put them into a binder. Then, on the weekends when he was home with his wife and 3 kids doing his "husbandly duties," I would re-read them, and still have a feeling of being connected to him, even though I was completely cut off on weekends. It helped me get through lonely times, I guess. It is difficult for me, to let go of people I love.
So there he was, Peter, on paper, staring at me and his voice suddenly entered my head again, and I heard him saying those words he typed to me, and I felt that connection again...it kind of knocked the wind out of me...I wasn't expecting that, I hadn't been thinking about him or anything (I was doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, the usual daily stuff that I do), but there he was, like suddenly he was standing at my doorstep, unannounced, and I was shocked. It was all about the week we had spent 3 times together, (which was great, because usually it was 1 or 2 times at the most), but he was starting to increase those visits to 3 and 4 per week, taking risks and being a bit careless. It was thoroughly exciting, but very anxiety-ridden at the same time, wondering if he was going to be caught by his wife. Part of me hoped he would, but part of me hoped he wouldn't.
We were also discussing my other married man, Allen, who had also come to visit me that week, but things had changed with him---he had previously been the aggressor, but then somehow became this submissive, passive-agressive kind of person that made me feel rather uncomfortable, because he wanted ME to be the aggressor, and I'm really not very good at that. I think he misunderstood what being submissive really means, but he kind of took a back seat and wanted ME to be the driver, ya know? Well, I just don't do very well if I have to be the aggressor.
I'm now realizing that Pete kinda wants me to be the same way, and frankly it kinda bugs me. I mean, it goes against my entire nature as a human being, ya know? I can't change that. He loves it when I come up behind him and start rubbing his shoulders, massaging his neck and stuff, but other than that, I don't really grab him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom...it's just not how I am...I've never been that type of person...I am usually the one being led. So it's like this foreign concept to me that makes me feel rather uncomfortable and unsure of myself.
I mean, for example, if YOU were to take ME by the hand and lead ME to a bedroom, I would still be awkward and nervous, and unsure of myself...but, at the same time, I would trust you and PROBABLY allow you to do that (if you asked me nicely)! But if you wanted ME to be the one to lead YOU by the hand to a bedroom, well, I guess I could TRY, but I am really not very good at it. I feel like, in a weird way, that would be a BAD thing...a wrong thing...I don't really know how to explain it. It's NOT "bad" if I am being led, because it's not MY decision...it's a submissive woman's dream come true really...but if I try to be the one leading, then I feel like I'm "topping from the bottom," and that's a huge NO-NO, and I feel like I've made a huge mistake and then I feel ashamed. Does that make sense?
Ah well, so Allen used to come over, grab hold of me, plant a kiss and then lead me to the bed. And wow, that was pretty cool, I really got into that...and of course, I wanted to please him. It worked for quite a long time, until he learned of my submissiveness. Even though HE seemed to like that scenario too, suddenly he took a switcharoo on me, and became the submissive one, asking ME to teach HIM. Well, I have never been a Dominant man, so how the hell can I TEACH somebody to be one?? I know what I LIKE as a sub, sure, but I don't know how to TEACH someone to be the Dom. You're either born with it, or you're not. Sadly, I realized then, that Allen was not. And our lust fizzled, and we became just good platonic buddies after that.
With Pete, it's kind of a similar situation. I met him at a BDSM camp, sure, but he was not, and is not, a Dom. He likes to be a control freak sometimes, but that's not the same thing at all. A good example is this morning, he woke me up by rubbing my arm, then kissing my arm, then he does this submissive thing where he spreads himself out and puts my hand on his naughty bits, and just lays there. He wants ME to be the aggressor, to take the reins, to be in charge. I just don't know how the hell to do that. So I get up, use the bathroom, come back and he's up at his computer, he says he has to take a shower, so I make my way down to the stairs, and he says, "Where ya goin'?" And I answer, "To eat some cereal, aren't you going into the shower?" He says, dejectedly, "Oh. Okay, fine, yeah."
Now, a real DOM would have taken my hand and said, "Before you go do that, I want a bj...so let's get you naked and on your knees." And, I would dutifully follow, and I would dutifully please the Dom. But I get the feeling that Pete wants ME to be the one who says, "Oh I feel so naughty, I want to put my mouth on you right NOW, let's go, please, I need it so bad...." and if I literally had to say those words, I would start giggling because that's just not ME. If YOU need something, I am going to try my best to provide that for you. If I need something sexual, I don't really know how to ask for it, nor do I really pursue it, because that's just not my nature. A Dom, like PETER, somehow just KNEW what I needed and when I needed it. And that was the best relationship EVER. (though in reality, it was not because he was married). If he had been single, however, it would have been the most awesome thing in the universe. It was exactly what I needed---and still need----from a man.
But for some reason, though Pete seems to "get it," it also seems like he doesn't get it at all. For me, it's a bit of a turn off for him to just lay there, spread-eagle on the bed, waiting for ME to do something. I just stare at him like, "Um....ok....what the hell am I supposed to do now?" I need direction, I need some coercion, I need the MAN to be the aggressor. That's what being submissive MEANS. Why he doesn't seem to understand that, I really don't know. If we are at a dungeon party, or at camp, he plays that role of Dom, and seems to get it. But then it's like he's in a play or something, acting the part, and when we get home, he turns into Mr. Vanilla, and forgets the other stuff. I really get very confused by this.
So in this conversation with Peter, we were discussing that. My friend Tim had wanted me to be his x-rated model, and he would pay me for having my photo taken in lingerie...that's really how the whole idea started for me to have my photos taken for Pete one Valentines' Day a few years ago. Tim wanted me to be his employee of sorts, and he would pay me for having naughty cheesecake photos taken, (tasteful, not filthy), but I was apprehensive about it, and talked to Peter about it. He was all for it, unless part of my duties were to be sexually involved with Tim. Well, if you know Tim like I know Tim, you BET that is EXACTLY what he wanted. So, this little idea of his never transpired. We're still Facebook buddies though, and keep in touch that way. He's a nice guy, just a horn dog like 99% of 'em.
Anyway, so here I sit, all wrapped up in these memories of my former life, where sex was a daily item on the agenda, and I was considered a "hottie" and "adventurous" in the bedroom. I miss that ME sometimes, because that ME is no longer who I am now. Now I am this frumpy housewife, bored, lonely sometimes, and just not feeling very sexual at all anymore. Not if I have to be the one to LEAD.
Tonight Pete is taking me to see the Doobie Brothers, but ya know, without Michael McDonald, what's the point? It's kind of the same argument about Journey that a lot of fans have...what's the point of going to see Journey if YOU are no longer the singer? Well, I do fluctuate on that point now and then, but the majority of my emotions say, "Yeah, he deserves to live his life, let him go do it, let him be happy, and still go see the new Journey to enjoy the music that HE helped create." So, next week, that's where I will be, at the Pittsburgh concert, at a meet and greet with VIP tickets backstage, showing them the Journey-opoly game that I created. (probably being laughed at when I leave and find it tossed into the nearest dumpster later on). I have no illusions about it, I already know they won't like it. Do you???
Here is a new photo of the board...I added face shots of every member, past and present (except George Tickner, I can't find a photo of him)...but here ya go...
So, I added you (top left), Gregg Rolie, (top center), and Arnel Pineda (top right)...on the left side of the board, is Neal (top of the cards), and Jonathan (bottom of the cards), then at the bottom of the board, Steve Smith on the left, Ross in the center, and Deen on the right...then on the right side of the board, Steve Augeri at the top of the cards, and Jeff Scott Soto on the bottom. I ran out of space to add Aynsley Dunbar, and I couldn't find a photo of George Tickner, and I didn't have room for Herbie Herbert either.
You can see the hot glue gun, the scissors, the crayola markers, and the questions that I'm cutting and gluing to poster board to make the cards. This is quite an undertaking, you know. Not an easy project. But it's coming along pretty well. I just have to create fake money with your faces on it now. I'll leave this photo large, so you can read some of the things on the board too. Hope you like it. I'll be making a nicer version for you as well, once this one is done. If YOU toss it into a dumpster, just don't tell me.
Well, it's time for me to snap out of my memories of Peter, and my old life, and get back to the daily drudgery of my current frumpy housewife world. It's quite a jolt, though, and I'm reeling from it a bit.
Hope you're enjoying your week. I just ordered Eclipse and the brand new Greatest Hits Volume 2 today on Amazon....(did the boys of the band realize that when you Google search ECLIPSE, they don't even come up AT ALL because of those vampire movies, the Twilight Saga, which has that name in it)?
Kinda stupid to name their new album something that is already named that, and that's more popular on Google.
But hey, what do I know, I'm just a fan.
Bye for now.
Love, Rebecca
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