Friggin' fraggin' fallen Florence...

Hi Steve,

I just got home from 4 hours in the ER with Florence.  That woman was in bed, asleep, when my mom and I went to pick up her cat from the pet store grooming place...but the cat wasn't done yet, so we went over to Target for my mom to get a few things, and then went back to pick up the cat afterwards.  So, we were gone about 45 minutes longer than we had originally planned to be.  When we got back to the house, we pulled into the driveway and my mom yells, "OH MY GOD!" and points to Florence, who was laying on her side, at the bottom of 3 stairs from the base of our sidewalk...

I jammed the car into park, jumped out and ran over to her, freaking out.  I thought she was bleeding all around her head, but it was just her eye that was red and swollen...she did a complete nose dive off the top of the sidewalk, missed the 3 stairs somehow, and landed on her head.  She even has grass stains in her white hair.  Needless to say, my adrenaline rush has kicked in, and I'm telling her DON'T MOVE, let me call an ambulance...my mom says, "We'll get her into the car and take her to ER, it's faster."  So after we ascertained that she didn't have any pain in her chest and lower areas, we gently stood her up, she was ok and could walk with our help, so we took her to the car, and zoomed it to the nearest hospital, 2 miles away.

So, as it turns out, Florence has broken her wrist in 2 places, and has to have a cast on for 6-8 weeks.  They did x-rays and a CAT-scan but everything came back negative---THANK GOD.  I was so upset, near tears, thinking she had a concussion or something, or broke a hip, or had internal bleeding...it scared the CRAP out of me, to say the least.

Alzheimers patients, towards the end of their progression through the disease, tend to wander.  We locked all the doors in the house. We even put signs up on each door that say, "Don't go outside alone Florence, get Becky to help you."  But, for her birthday party, we took one of the signs down so that she wouldn't feel embarrassed, and I just never got around to putting it back up again.  That's the door she unlocked on her own, (the porch sliding glass doors), and she went walking on her own down a slightly downhill sidewalk that ends with 3 stairs to the driveway.  I shudder to think what might have happened if she had made it down those stairs...would she have walked into the middle of the road and been hit by a car???

She's got a bright red shiner on her eye, and it'll be huge and ugly for awhile...but otherwise it's okay.  A few scrapes on her knees, and bruises on both hands, and a very sore arm and wrist...but otherwise, she is fine.  Tomorrow I'll take her to see an orthopedic doctor to set the bone and put a real cast on it, we just have her in a temporary one now.

My mom was awesome through the whole thing, while I sat there rather stunned, and overwhelmed.  She NEVER does this type of thing, she KNOWS not to go outside without me helping her, and even SHE said "I did a stupid thing."  But she added that she didn't know WHY she felt she had to go outside, she just thought it was a good idea at the time.  I told her Alzheimers patients tend to wander sometimes, without knowing why they do it, and that we understood, and it's okay, and it was NOT stupid, it was just overly AMBITIOUS of her to want to take ANOTHER walk after already having physical therapy today.

Now that she's home, in bed, with a Vicodan pain pill to help her sleep through the whole night, I can try to pry my shoulders off the top of my neck and hopefully relax a little bit....but I'm all tensed up right now and freaking out because anything could have happened, and I wasn't THERE.  I feel awful.

We joked and told her that we will just tell people that "the sidewalk bit her." She laughed and said that was a good idea, and she liked that.  Mostly she felt embarrassed, but I'm just glad nothing major was damaged or broken...it's bad enough her wrist is broken....in 2 places even....sheesh....I feel like crap.

Anyway, so that was MY excitement for the day.  How was YOUR day?? I hope it was very uneventful and full of healthy, happy things.  Please, Stephen, please promise me you'll never get Alzheimers.  I would be so broken hearted if you ever did.  It is the most horrible disease I've ever witnessed in a person.  It's so difficult, knowing this woman was an OR nurse for 30 years of her life, and then a nurse at a school for 20 more, with a college degree, a teaching degree, and a very high IQ suddenly diminish into a confused, dazed, zombie-like person with no memory of anything anymore.  Soon she won't even recognize who we are, and won't even know our names or anything.  I don't know how a person (a caregiver like me) can ever really mentally prepare for something like that.  I don't know if it's possible.

So now I'm a nervous wreck, chewing every fingernail I've got right off, my legs keep shaking, and my shoulders are still up around my neck, at least they feel like they are...that's where my stress gathers, all in my shoulders...I swear I'm going to die from too much stress.  I really do.  I just can't handle it.  I'm a wuss, I guess, and I always have been.  I'm one of those "aesthetic" types of people, who sit on the sidelines, observe others, sit quietly, think a lot, I'm introspective a lot, analyzing and digging deep into people who allow me to, and I like the simple things like playing my flute, listening to classical music and relaxing music, writing a lot, reading a lot....just keeping to myself mostly.  I'm NOT the type of person who thrives on adrenaline, excitement or daring things like hang gliding, parasailing, or sky diving.  It is difficult for me to deal with stressful situations....I am a "Highly Sensitive Person," and we just aren't wired for such things.

My sister was the tomboy, always climbing trees (I did too sometimes, but not as high as she did), and jumping off things, and playing sports and just jumping feet first into life.  I would rather put my toes in first, and slowly wade in to life, as long as I felt safe to do so.  Rather skittish.

So.....after a royally shitty weekend, now I have returned home only to have a royally shitty afternoon and now for the next 6-8 weeks, my life will be royally shitty because I'll be waiting on Florence hand and foot, dealing with her bipolar mood swings and her pain and her bruises...I really don't think I can do this much longer.  I wish I were strong enough inside to say I can handle it, but I really don't think I can.

Well, I'd better go for now, and do my "penance," (I feel so guilty), and I'll keep busy and try to relax while doing some laundry before I go to bed.  I am one hell of a caregiver, huh?  I just can't leave Florence home alone anymore, that's all there is to it.

Bye for now. Love you lots...have a great evening and a happy week.  I'll be ok, just gotta get some Valium or something.  Cripes.  (when are you going to show up and drive me away in that limo of yours?!!)  DAMMIT MAN!!  GET YOUR SEXY BUTT OVER HERE, WILL YA?!!

......I really need a hug.

Ah well, it's a nice thought at least.  Goodnight my gorgeous troubadour.

Love, Rebecca   PS. No, Pete wasn't around, he was at work and then at rehearsal, & he still isn't home.