The saga of Peter.....the beginning.

Hi Stephen,


Before I get into the shower to get ready for a nice dinner out with Pete soon, I wanted to send you the detailed email that I received from my DC boyfriend, Peter, years ago when we first met.  You may not have a complete understanding of the type of relationship he and I had, but this was the beginning of it, and as you can see just from this conversation, it was NOT always fun.  We had a tumultuous relationship at best, and at worst, it was a love-hate thing.  


But as i sit here and dust these emails off, and re-read them again for the first time in 5 years, I feel such a huge mess of emotion, vacillating between disbelief at how exactly OPPOSITE things ended between him and I than I ever expected them to, and not sure what he told me THEN was really true at all...and maybe I was just too stupid (gullible, naive, etc)., to know it.   I want so much with all my heart to call him up, and have an actual, real, civil conversation about it, just to get some kind of closure once and for all.  I wish I could do that.  Unfortunately, I burned that bridge due to the anger I felt when he hurt me, by saying things I really did not mean at all.  I wish I could rewind, and change the ending.  I wish I could move on from it.  Until the day comes when I'm finally able to talk with him once more, I don't think I'll ever really be able to move on at all.  That thought makes me feel very sad and lost.


This is the type of thing that haunts me, on a daily basis.  Unresolved conflicts just stick in my craw, and gnaw at me.  I replay it over and over in my head, wishing I had done or said something other than I did, wishing I could re-do it.  Do you go through your life and do this too?  Most days, I am too busy doing other stuff with my current life and world to really sit and think about the past too much.  But, some days, (a lot lately because Pete isn't home very much), I just go over and over in my head with all of it. I try to see things I may have missed. I try to fix something in my head that can't be fixed.  I try to remember things that are fuzzy, or try to forget those vivid bad things that still make me feel awful inside.


Being haunted by Peter is very difficult for me.  It's just like 9/11 haunts me too.  Or, just like my nightmares of roaming the halls and working at the Museum still cause me heartache, and my nightmares of being in the middle of another Armageddon-type of day in Pittsburgh also haunt me.  Peter will always haunt me.  Part of me misses him so much I cry sometimes, in private.  I cry when I drive the car somewhere alone on occasion, just to get it over and done with, because I can't hold back and I don't want anybody to see me do it.  I only sing in the car when nobody else is around, (because I can't sing worth a damn), and I cry alone in the car because I don't want anyone else to know why I'm crying, or that I just plain need to cry sometimes.


Nobody understands. So, this is the torch I still carry around, for a man I once loved more than I've ever known I could.


I don't know if you can relate or not, with your past relationship with Sherri, or someone else in your life, but for what it's worth, I hope you never have to go through it.  I feel lost, I sometimes imagine that he's still on the sidelines, knowing what I'm doing, knowing where I'm going, thinking of me during the day or even at night when he's home in bed beside his wife. He told me once that he thought of me a lot when he was there with her, which is why I still think about that.  I wonder if he cares about me still, or if he really just never DID at all, and maybe I was just duped the whole time.  I'd like to think he was genuine, and sincere, but how many men---or women---are genuine and sincere anymore?  Especially in DC??  Very few.


So, I'm torn about Peter, I always have been, and I always will be.  I want to go there, to his home, to knock on his door, fall into his arms, and cry....and I want to apologize for being such a hateful bitch at the end...but of course, I can never do that.  It really tears me up inside, shreds me to bits, and makes me feel limp and lifeless, and numb all over again. Just like I was before he met me.


Your relationships----I assume----are primarily VANILLA, so perhaps this whole thing with Peter makes no sense to you, because of the complexities of D/s....(Dominance and submission) involved.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain D/s stuff to a vanilla person, but it was the absolute most intense relationship I've ever had with any other human being in my entire life.  I can't just forget that, or walk away from it, or forget about it.  I just know in my heart that I need some kind of closure with Peter.  I really do.


Bye for now.  Love, Rebecca   ps. I have no idea why I'm sharing all this with you, but it is kind of like free therapy, so please humor me awhile...it just helps for me to write it out and imagine that you really give a crap.  If I had friends here in Pittsburgh that understood, I would seek them out first....but since I don't....I guess you are the lucky schmuck.


> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS WHAT PETER TOLD ME (AMONG MANY OTHER THINGS) IN ONE OF THE VERY FIRST EMAILS HE EVER WROTE TO ME, THAT GOT ME SO UPSET....WE HAD ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A MONTH....IT WAS VERY BIZARRE.  I NEVER FELT SO EXPOSED, NAKED, AND VIOLATED IN MY WHOLE LIFE....AND HE DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH ME....HIS WORDS WERE ENOUGH TO  KILL ME SLOWLY.  AND HE DID, FOR 2.5 YEARS.....
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> PETER: more than anything you have a need to be controlled.  other words
> that you use inside your own head are: the need to be used (sometimes you
> may go so far as to say abused, but not in a bad way), the need to be owned,
> the need to be needed. additionally, you also have a great desire to make
> sure the man you submit completely to is worthy of your submission and
> devotion. this is why you test them and attempt to make demands to see if
> you can push them around.  this is a sure sign of weakness that, while you
> still may like the guy, makes him a complete zero for you in a D/s way
> ------------------------------------
> ME:  ...In case you haven't noticed, Peter, I have been feeling rather frustrated by
> you, because you started this dialogue once before, and then went away and
> stopped sending emails and left me hanging. I've been feeling rather "rubbed
> wrong" by it, and peeved.  I know now that I have been played like a fiddle
> by you this entire time.  I am merely a pawn. But since I have known you, my
> demands for more attention have gone virtually ignored, and you have not
> wavered. It has all been on your terms. In your way, when you deem it to be.
> That both annoyed me and caused me to feel strangely relieved.
>
> And yes, I feel that you have stripped me bare in front of the entire
> universe and left me to the wolves that lurk in the wilderness around
> me...that both scares me to death, and upsets me to the core, because how
> DARE you say such things about me when we've only just MET a month ago...how
> DARE you come out of nowhere like this, after YEARS OF MY SEARCHING for
> someone, and be so matter-of-fact about what you THINK I need, what you
> THINK I want----and then you act resolute and dismissive and flippant about
> being unattainable to me, unattainable with all this knowledge---why don't
> you just hang a carrot in front of a starving rabbit and never let it
> nibble---because that is what it feels like you have done.
>
> ....I am ANGRY.  It's a cruel joke, for a married guy like you to have this
> knowledge that nobody else has ever come close to guessing, and then, on top
> of THAT---which is bad enough----THEN, you refuse to do anything WITH that
> knowledge.
>
> Well quite frankly, it pisses me off.  It makes me want to scream.  I have
> never ONCE allowed ANYBODY near me like that---you did not even give me any
> kind of warning either---not even a "be careful what you ask for," kind of
> thing...you just plunged feet-first into it, without looking to see if my
> guts were going to get crushed underneath...
>
> I've guarded myself very closely all my life---and here you come, out of
> nowhere, violently pillaging and raping your way through my psyche with a
> machete, leaving me to bleed. And then, you just dust off your hands and
> walk away, saying "oh well, I can't be the one to give those things to you,
> I would only hurt you," and tah dah, buh-bye now, you're all done with me.
>
> And I am killed. I still bleed...
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Dear Becky,

Your description of me and my actions has left me feeling deeply sad
and frustrated also. I am none of the things you describe. I care very
much about people and their feelings, as I have started to care about
you; finding in you someone with whom I identify and understand
because I have had some of the same feelings as you've had. This has
always been the basis for reaching out to talk to you, nothing more.

I have remained understanding as you've mistrusted my intentions and
my actions. From your perspective and history, you are justified in
protecting yourself and in having more than a healthy dose of
skepticism. I have consistently supported you in this feeling and in
your need and wanting to be understood. For many people, being
understood and knowing that your feelings are not so strange as to be
unreachable can be comforting. This was the ONLY reason for telling
you everything I see and believed that I understood. I understand that
when you hear these things from me that instead of feeling understood,
you feel violated. This was my mistake and for that I deeply
apologize.

I never made any assumptions about you, nor did I say anything that I
didn't have my own observations to back them up. I know that I can be
perceptive about a very few select people and can have an
understanding of them intuitively. It seemed that I had that intuition
with you. Again, I apologize for misreading your need to be understood
and mixing it with the unattainable. That was the dangerous
combination for you that I stepped on, though with good intentions.
Good intentions can still hurt, I know.

I have always been exactly and perfectly truthful with you. (REALLY PETER)? 

I played no games to deliberately use you or hook you or hurt you. I do NOT get

off on hurting people and in fact would often choose to hurt myself
rather than hurt someone else. The fact that I have hurt you this
deeply is more than disturbing to me. Your interpretation of my
actions is that I can only be an evil asshole for dominating you and
dangling that carrot in front of you. While that is the farthest thing
from my mind and I am shocked that you've interpreting things that
way, I also must realize that in your experience I can be nothing else
and I must accept that. I should have realized this too and not said
anything. Again, I am sorry.

I can tell you that you are wrong about me and my intentions. However,
it is not my place to force this viewpoint on you. I would rather you
reached that conclusion on your own, yet I understand that the
evidence you have points to this disturbing determination. Any
continued protests on my part could only appear to be continuing
manipluation of you and your feelings. I refuse to manipluate you at
all and in any way. This is why I am so upset by this.

I also enjoyed our conversaton of the day, not the least of which
because I was finally in my office long enough to have a continuous
conversation with you. It was not a setup to get into all the D/s
discussion later on, though you may feel that way.

You feel threatened by what I told you and by what I know about you. I
will repeat, as I have from the beginning, that there is ZERO need,
reason, desire, inclination, urge, wish, or yearning to use any of
this information in any way, or to share it with anyone. You may feel
anything you like about me, but I am extremely discreet and don't go
around looking for secrets to hoard like a miser to use against
people. I have never EVER done that and never will. That is an
ironclad promise and oath.

I understand what you have told me. Feelings of being raped and
pillaged violently make it very clear. I hope that you could perhaps
see my own good intentions behind what I've done, but I do not expect
it. In spite of how you feel, I do not wish to manipulate your
feelings or desires.

I have caused you to experience "the darkest, most empty feeling of
(your) life". For this I am sorry and I will not tread on these topics
again.

Peter
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
> Hi Peter...
>
> ....ok...after some contemplation and dissipating shock, I have dusted off
> the rubble that crushed me during our last IM (instant message).  I feel a bit bruised and
> raw.  But I feel that I need to respond somehow to all that you told
> me.........
>

> Mostly...I am left feeling that  this whole D/s thing has got to be driven out of 

> my soul. I have to end this entire D/s crap once and for all. I have to forget it, 

> ignore it, leave it.

> That is how you have left me feeling.