Kink....a conversation.

Dear Steve,

Remember awhile back when I told you that kinky people are intelligent, safe, and sane--probably more sane than non-kinky people? You probably thought I'm full of crap. So, I want to share ONE of many posts that people write regarding the subject of BDSM.

You may know about "safewords," but read the following, if you dare...It may enlighten you.

Safewords are bullshit.
by Ial---(name deleted)

No, seriously, hear me out.

Safewords are absolutely an important and effective tactical tool.

But they are not, ultimately, the solution to the process of ensuring safety and consent.

What you need, rather than a "safeword", is an "exit strategy".

What I mean by this, is a mutually agreed-upon procedure, whereby the Top will recognize the bottom's state, and make a command decision about whether to proceed.

Without an explicitly negotiated exit strategy, the submissive must rely entirely on the Top's observation skills, intuitive grasp of the situation, training, intelligence, and goodwill to maintain a safe scene. This, too, is an "exit strategy" - it's just not a very good one, unless both parties know and trust each other with their lives. (I imagine a married couple who've been together for decades might be able to pull off this level of rapport.)

For the rest of us, we need an explicitly negotiated exit strategy, so that the bottom (who will not likely be in any position to control the scene) can understand precisely what the Top will decide to do in various situations, and can understand precisely what inputs the Top will be monitoring from the bottom.

Note that this necessarily includes such strategies as 'safe words', but such 'safe words' are relegated to specifically negotiated signals, rather than being the whole of the technique itself.

A good "exit strategy" should consist of the following:

- discussion and agreement of all safety techniques to be used throughout the scenario
- Any and all medical concerns
- What the bottom intends to get out of the experience
- What the Top intends to get out of the experience
- 'hard limits' that are not to be violated during the course of the scenario, no matter WHAT either party might decide during the course of the scenario.
- signals to be particularly attentive to, which may include medical signs, specific 'safe words'/noises/movements, smells/changes in body chemistry, changes in body language, etc.
- preferred procedures for dealing with unlikely consequences, such as fire, fall, medical accidents, loss of keys, accidentally grabbing the 'icy hot' instead of lube, police raids, the sudden reunion of the Partridge Family, tsunami, or other acts of God.

By relegating 'safe words' to a tactical component of a greater 'exit strategy', we can help defuse the myth that setting up a "safeword" automatically makes a scenario "safe".

Thank you for your time.

------------

So, just something to think about. Next time you think we're a bunch of crazy freaks, maybe you'll take a pause...and rethink.

Love, Rebecca