Hi Steve,

I was watching HGTV the other day, and they had a show about celebrities in their homes, with designers helping them decorate for the holidays, or a Christmas party, etc.  One of those celebrities was Wayne Brady (I love that guy), and the designer decorated his home in Hawaiin style, with "Mele Kalikemaka" as the theme, with tropical flowers everywhere, beautiful greenery, and a tree with seashells and flowers all over it.  THAT IS WHAT I LOVE TOO!!  I was so excited to see the way they did all that, it inspired me. She used all reds and greens, but added white and some gold and silver here and there...very pretty, elegant and simple.  So next year, I think I'm going to go with that idea, to more of an extreme than just a tree with a beach theme.  Wayne Brady is awesome.  His daughter's name is Maile, (mal-ya), which is Hawaiin for "flower."  The designer even decorated her tree house like a Gingerbread house! Very cute!

So how have YOU decorated YOUR house??  Or do you just skip all that rigamarole?  Part of me tends to lean towards, "you do a LITTLE decorating, maybe a nice tree, but that's about it." Another part of me thinks maybe, being a MAN and all, you may not do much of anything.  Well, if you ever want ME to come help you decorate, I'd be on the next plane.  I love doing that stuff.  I can't even really imagine what your house looks like, much less if you've decorated it with Christmas stuff.  I wish HGTV would go into your house and do a show about it, that would be so awesome!

Anyway, that's the extent of my t.v. watching this week, except for last night, when Florence sat beside me to watch one of my all-time favorite movies, "I Remember Mama."  It stars Irene Dunne, and it's just a gorgeous film that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy as you watch it.  I had to sit there explaining who every character was, and what was going on, but I've seen it a bazillion times.  Florence had heard of it, she had probably even seen it before years ago, but doesn't remember it.  So, she enjoyed it immensely.  Unfortunately she has a hard time comprehending the things on t.v. that she watches, and doesn't quite comprehend the newspaper anymore either.  The pieces of the puzzle just don't fit right in her head anymore.

I had a long conversation yesterday with the geriatric social worker at Florence's doctor's office, and this woman, Maryanne, told me this:  "Do you know how many daughter-in-law's I know who take care of a mother-in-law with Alzheimers?"  And I figured she'd say, "A lot," but she said, "NONE."  She told me I am very rare, and doing this for nearly 3 full years is an amazing feat that very few people can do, related or not.  She said I must be a very strong person.  I told her that I have my moments, but mostly it is overwhelming and too stressful, and it's making me miserable.  She said she could understand why.  In telling her about having both mom's living with us, she was shocked and amazed.  It's quite a strange story, apparently, that most people are just blown away with when we tell it.

They are taking Florence off Respiradone, and putting her on Serequel, (which we tried once before a little over a year ago, but it made her sleep all day), but NOW, well, with her paranoia increasing and her combativeness increasing, and her confusion making her frustrated and agitated, it may be for the best if she DID sleep more.  Just taking the lunch-time Respiradone away and putting it with the 2nd one at night, was enough to throw her into Jekyll and Hyde mode.  She's very sensitive to medicinal changes.  I think that is really behind what has been going on around here lately with her.  We have switched that back but now we're taking Respiradone right out of the picture and replacing it with a stronger drug.

I relayed the whole episode where Pete and I both lost our cool and how I ended up pushing her down the hallway and throwing her head first onto her bed.  The social worker said, "We call this situation a "caregiver crisis."  She is recommending that she sit in with the doctor at our next appointment in January, to evaluate Florence and to see how we interact, and will then recommend a psychological nurse to come to the house to be with her and relieve ME a couple times a week.  I am very glad of that.

So life here in the crazy house is hopefully going to settle down a bit soon.

Now there is another family member with a crisis...Nathan.  He's got some sort of rare degenerative eye disease, Leber's Disease, and the hospital is paying him to be their guinea pig.  They actually picked him up from his apartment yesterday, drove him to their lab, and did some testing on his left eye which they PAID him for, and then took him back home.  They'll be doing that again on his right eye soon as well. Apparently men in their mid-20's who have suffered from headaches a lot as kids, tend to develop this disease---most never get diagnosed until it's too far gone to do anything----but it's so early on with Nate that they have never had enough time to really study the beginning stages of it, I guess.  I am not 100% sure, but it apparently affects his nerve endings around his eye and cornea, but apparently there's nothing much the doctors can do, so his blindness is pretty much inevitable.  This is heartbreaking news, to say the least.  I want to buy him a trip around the world so he can see everything NOW, before that blindness sets in.  I want him to see the 7 wonders of the world in person, I want him to experience everything while his eyes still work, so that he'll have wonderful memories of it all later on.

So this Christmas is a rather bitter-sweet feeling here for all of us.

The social worker was amazed that I haven't already (long ago) packed up my suitcases and left Pete.  She asked if he was actively trying to help me find a nurse to take the burden off of me....the answer is, "no, he hasn't."  She hesitated.  "Why not?" she asked, and I said, "Because I think HE thinks I'm a cheaper alternative to paying a nurse."  Silence again.  "This is a problem.  It may have to be addressed soon," she said.  Perhaps in her opinion, Pete is taking advantage of me.  I wouldn't put it past him at all.  In fact, I have suspected this from day one myself.  Even my best friend Laurie and my own mother have both voiced similar concerns in the past.  I have even told him this to his face, and I've even added that once his mother is dead, he won't need ME anymore.  Of course, he poo-poo's this by ignoring it, telling me that's not true, but then not saying much more about it.

I just keep hearing "for better or worse" echo in my head.  So, I don't know if I'm being taken for a ride, or if I'm just doing the best thing that he and I can do together to get through it.  Am I too gullible??

I didn't even mention my big fear to this social worker, though, about how I'll be taking care of Florence until SHE dies, then it'll be MY mom's turn, and then Pete's turn to go, and then who the hell will be around to take care of ME?????  In all honesty, I just hope I go before my mom and Pete do.  That would be the best thing, because frankly I don't like the idea of being old and having nobody to help me.

I think today is a day of "get away from the mom's" day for me.  I'm going to get dressed and brave the traffic and all the BS in the mall and stores, and just go out for awhile.

Hope you have a nice week, and a very Merry Christmas doing whatever you love to do, with the people in your life that you love most.  I hope you send Neal a Christmas card too.  As much of a bonehead as that man is, he's still someone in your life that you love, and through his self-destructiveness, I'm sure he loves you back, so what could it hurt really??  He's still worth 44 cents.  (Just don't expect 44 cents from HIM on a card, because that money will have to pay his alimony).

God he's easy to mess with.  Yeah, not really the Xmas spirit, but what the hell.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca