Freakin' Frumpzilla...

Yeah, hey Stephen, how are you?

I am feelin' rather frump-i-fied today, unfortunately.  I need a little pizz-azz or something.  It's one of those "I'm just a frumpy housewife" days.  I get those on occasion.

I never used to feel frumpy.  I wish you could have known me when I lived and worked in Washington DC.  I was a totally different person then.  I mean, I was much less "weird," than I seem to be now.  I was a LOT more serious, a lot more studious....I read books about the Holocaust all the time, I researched, I studied, I was immersed in the world of Holocaust studies.  You can't help but be rather serious-minded if you're into that sort of thing, ya know?  It's something I still feel very passionate about, even now.

I always had make-up on, I had my nails done, my hair done, and wore high heels to work with skirts a lot.  I was a career girl in DC.  Picture Mary Tyler Moore, tossing her hat up in the air.  That was me.  I felt sexy, I felt important, I felt like the work I was doing was very noble and of a much higher purpose.  I felt proud of myself for being so ambitious to actually GET the job at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.  I was really on top of the world...or at least, that's how it felt.  I took the job very seriously.  I still miss it every day.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about it, or someone I once worked with there.  I keep in touch with several of my former coworkers via Facebook too, so I still talk with them nearly every day.

When I was living in Michigan, I was 27 years old, working a full-time admin position during the day, and part-time at Barnes and Noble in the evenings.  I devoured books, so I figured that was a good place to work, with employee discounts and stuff.  I've since amassed over 300 books about the Holocaust, which all sit dusty on my shelves now.  I have read all or most of each one over the years too.

But I was not happy in Michigan.  So I told my (then) Michigan boyfriend that I was going away for a weekend to Virginia Beach.  I had a Navy boyfriend, who wanted to share an apartment there with me.  So he asked me to go find one, and he would be coming back in a few weeks to meet me there.  I figured that was my chance to go out into the world and try a new life, so I went for it.  Yes, I had 2 boyfriends, and they were both aware of each other and didn't mind sharing me, and I had the best of both worlds because they were so totally different.  One was the teddy bear type, all nicey-nice and adored me, (which drove me up the wall), and the other Navy guy was more of a badass womanizer.  I've always gone for the bad boy...so the Michigan boyfriend decides he wants to go with me, and borrows his mom's car for the trip.  We get all the way down to the DC area, and I said, "Ya know, I really want to see this new Museum about the Holocaust, do you mind if we stop for a little while?"

So we toured the Museum.  I walked in the doors, stood in the lobby, and immediately I felt this lightening bolt strike me in the heart---it knocked the wind out of me---and I just somehow KNEW that this was the place I belonged.  I have studied this history since the age of 12.  I didn't choose it, rather, it chose ME.  So, I had brought some resume's along, and went directly to the bookstore, to ask for a job. I figured that was a good "foot in the door" place to get into.  I left my resume, and the hotel phone number in case the manager wanted to talk to me, and we toured the exhibitions.  I was blown away.  This was my purpose in life.  I knew that, at the age of 27.  THIS is what I was always meant to do.

I never made it to Virginia Beach.

In fact, the next day, the bookstore manager called me, we arranged a meeting, I had an interview, and he said, "You really would have to move here if we hired you."  I said, "I'll be here in 2 weeks."  I had no clue how the HELL I was going to do that, but I was determined.  He said, "I'll see what we can do." So, I made up my mind right then and there, that I was moving to Washington DC.

The Michigan boyfriend and I argued about it all the way back to Michigan.  He thought I was nuts, but I felt this burning passion inside, and KNEW that it was meant to be.  Some kind of divine intervention or something.  That's what the lady said when I interviewed with her at the Museum six months later.  But before that, I drove back to Michigan, notified the Navy boyfriend that I would NOT be coming down there to live with him right away, I was first going to try and get a job in DC at the Museum.  He was not happy, but he thought I was nuts too, and told me to go for it...he did not expect it to happen.

I packed up everything I owned.  I quit both of my jobs.  I found a new roommate to replace me so that I wasn't leaving my Michigan roommate in the lurch.  I had $500 saved up.  I thought that was a lot of money and would get me through until I got settled.  HA!!  I drove my beater car down to Baltimore, Maryland where a high school friend of mine lived.  She needed a roommate.  So, there I was, with a car full of stuff, ready to start my new life.

Six months later, I was working at the Museum.

So that's how it all happened.  I wouldn't change a thing, although it was a very difficult time for me.  My family turned their backs on me, too, and thought I was nuts.  They also thought I was selfish.  But, being submissive all my life (and not realizing it), caused me to be the caretaker for THEM all those years, and when I said I was leaving, it sort of broke the chain of codependency, which shook them all up and made them feel angry and upset.  How DARE I leave, when I have THEM to take care of HERE??  My mom even asked me to return her house key, because "I wouldn't be needing it anymore." I took that to mean, "You won't have ME to come home to if you fall on your face."

I didn't speak to my family for 6 months, until the day I got the job...which was on February 14th.  The best Valentines' day of my entire LIFE.

Anyway, I may have already told you this story once before, I don't know, but I wanted you to know that I have NOT always been a weird chick who sits here writing to you about silly stuff, feeling frumpy and down.  I have NOT always been taking care of an Alzheimers patient, and I have NOT always been married.  In fact, I never WANTED to be married in my whole life.  But, somehow, I hit 40 and thought, "Maybe I should think about that idea a little more."  And here I am.  It's all a blur really.

I miss my old life.  I miss the me I used to be.  But, here I am, living in the "now."  There was a great saying that Julian Lennon posted on Facebook yesterday----yes, John Lennon's son----"You cannot start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

I am guilty as charged.  How can I NOT miss that??  I don't really know how NOT to miss my old life.

Maybe you are guilty as charged, too??  Re-doing albums from the past....instead of moving forward??

Just something to think about.  We have a lot in common I think.  But, you are not frumpy like me.

I love ya, Stephen.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca