Going to DC on Thursday...

Hi Steve,

I am heading to DC tomorrow to attend the official memorial service for my friend, Mike, who recently passed away. I am so sad about it, and feeling rather nervous about seeing everyone again. I mean, it's like opening Pandora's box, ya know? I thought that part of my life was long gone and over with, but here I go, looking back again, unable to really let it go. It is heartbreaking to go there for a death of a friend. I wish the occasion was a happier one...and the thought in the back of my mind is, "I will have to be there when Nesse dies, and Manya, and all of my friends there, when they die." but here's the bone-chilling and blunt truth that haunts me too---if I were to die tomorrow, would any of THEM come to Pittsburgh to pay their respects to me??? I really don't know. And that makes me sad.

I had a nightmare that woke me up this morning, and it was so bad that I could nit go back to sleep. The dream was of Pete and I in our minivan, driving on a highway that was elevated, like on top of a mountain...when I yelled at him to slow down because he was scaring me, he yelled back at me and got distracted, and suddenly the road made a sharp left curve--but Pete didn't see it, nor did he slow down in time---and we crashed through the barrier and were careening through the air, falling fast and we were going to crash---I screamed "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" and that's when I woke up.

My heart was pounding, I was all sweaty, and very upset. One thing my therapist told me about Post Traimatic Stress Disorder (which I have), is that nightmares like that can be a recurring issue, but in order to calm myself and avoid a panic attack (yes I have those sometimes), is to think about how to change the outcome, and rescue myself from danger. So I lay there wide awake, continuing the dream in my mind--grabbing my phone and calling 911 to find us after we crashed...grabbing the steering wheel and trying to lean the car into a softer landing...seeing Pete suddenly squeal the brakes and do a spin before hitting the barrier, avoiding goung through it....

All of these scenarios calmed me down a bit, but that dream has got me scared to go to DC tomorrow. My anxiety level has been so overwhelming all day, I feel totally exhausted. Emotionally, I feel like a hot mess.

I can't let go of the Museum, and it will be so hard to say goodbye to my friend Mike...and just as hard to say hello to people I haven't seen in over a decade. I am feeling scared and nervous and just overwhelmed and frazzled by the whole thing.

I have to go now but I will take photos while we are there to share after we get back.

Pete and I saw the play "Billy Elliott," last night, and it was pretty cool.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca