Losing weight is a big load of hooey.

Hiya Stevie baby, what's shakin'?  (*images of your sexy butt moving back and forth*) Mmmmmm...

Well, I have a theory about losing weight that I have actually shared with a couple people on Facebook. There's a page called "Lynn's Weigh," with a woman who lost 160 pounds and has been on many talk shows and stuff, so I commented to her about my theory and she actually said it was a "powerful and thought-provoking theory," so I figured it might be worth mentioning here also.

I don't know about YOU, but as I've gotten older, I've noticed it is more difficult to lose weight.  I blame my dietetic demise on the fact that I worked for a year at a bakery during college.  Hey, I was a poor college kid, can you blame me if I took home free bread, cookies, cakes, pies, pastries, etc., when they didn't sell?!  I am, in fact, a carb-addict, so I never really gave it much thought back then, I just ate it.  Problem was, after that year, I noticed I had put on 40 pounds.  Over the years since then, I have lost half, gained 5 or 10 back, lost 1/3, then gained some back, etc., so it's been like a yo-yo.

The lucky thing is, I'm 5' 7" tall, so I don't LOOK very overweight.  I'm pretty decently proportioned overall, just "pleasantly plump."  But, by California standards, I'm sure I'd be considered a beached whale. I was having snow tires put on the car yesterday (I don't mind fishtailing on bald tires, I'm from Michigan, I can drive in any weather...I've done a 360 on the highway and just kept on going....doesn't phase me).  But, as I was waiting for them to finish putting the tires on, I was a captive audience to their t.v., which happened to have "Dr. Phil" on.  Now, normally I think Dr. Phil is full of crap, and so are most all daytime talk show hosts...Oprah, well, she is cool sometimes, but I really don't put much credence into any of 'em for real advice or anything helpful that I actually learn from them, ya know?

But, yesterday, Dr. Phil had some young woman, 24 I think, who was married to a 26 year old man, and had 3 kids.  She's anorexic.  She weights 78 pounds.  She looks like one of the Holocaust victim photos from the Museum.  Difference is, she's starving herself, nobody else is making her do it.  She says she does at least 9,000 tummy crunches a day...now, with 3 kids, how the HELL is that possible, I wonder? I can't even paint my damned fingernails much less get anything DONE around here with 2 mom's around.

But I digress.

She started squeezing out crocodile tears about how she wants to live, to be a better mother to her kids, to be a better role model, etc., she's too young to die, yadda yadda yadda, pandering to the masses like most of those guests on those shows do, (attention whores).  But, as she sat there giving people the "poor me" game, (which, if you name it, they can no longer play it, I've discovered), I actually DID glean some kind of wisdom about myself from it.  I was shocked, to say the least, that any of that smarmy crap would affect me at all, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the following theory about weight loss:

When a person goes through life and has a traumatic experience, or has been hurt a lot in some emotional way, the defense mechanism of many is to put some padding around your heart, so that it's protected. "I don't want to be hurt anymore, so I'm going to eat a whole pizza and a bag of Doritos, to pad my heart a bit, then nobody will bother me, they'll see I'm fat and will just avoid me."  So, some of us (yes, I'm thinking ME), actually feels SCARED to lose that weight.  It is a shedding of that "protection" around our hearts that scares us most.  Then I would be vulnerable, wide open to criticism and abuse, and I don't know if I can handle that anymore.  As a highly-sensitive person, I feel that I've been through too much BS and hardship already in my 42 years, I don't think I can take much more.

So, I think the MENTAL block of this is what prevents me from sticking to a diet.  I really do.

Anyway, just thought I would share that enlightened theory that has made me cut up carrots and celery and put them in my purse...I ate an apple and a tangerine for a snack...I had a salad for lunch today too.  I don't want to die young (but then again, I don't really wanna get OLD either)...but I DO want to get rid of the Diabetes, I'm sick of it, and I want to be able to have FREEDOM to eat whatever I want to... in moderation of course.

So, I'm going to force myself to go to one of those Weight Watchers meetings tomorrow. I've joined the online Weight Watchers program, but I haven't really been keeping up with it.  I need to buckle down and just make myself do it.  Being submissive makes that self-discipline rather difficult also, unfortunately.  I need some strong person to be my disciplinarian....I can't really do it for myself very well, and that frustrates me sometimes.  I think maybe, if Pete could possibly do that, (he's not very Dominant though, which is a bummer), I could stick to it better.  We'll see how it goes.

This summer is our high school class reunions---my 25th, and Pete's 35th---so I want to be his "trophy wife," by showing up looking like my "Diva Goddess Within," but I gotta let her back OUT first.  So, I'm going to tell myself, (like I did when I first got Diabetes), that the only way I'm going to let her out from deep within myself, I gotta starve the bitch.  hehehehe  That's the only way she'll show up!!

We're also going to camp this May too, where most everybody walks around naked.  I don't really mind being naked, even with some extra pounds, but I think I'd like it even MORE if I had LESS to carry around.  I'm one of the "skinny" ones in the BDSM community, though, I'm happy to report. So hanging around a bunch of fatties makes me feel pretty damned good!!  But, I think I could do better.

Anyway, I love ya, and oh....wait!!  I had a dream that we were hanging out talking about nothing really important, just chillin', backstage, and you had super long hair in my dream, and I asked you if I could give you a hug...(just like I did in real life when I really DID meet you)...and you said, "Sure, but don't kiss me, I don't want to get sick." (Yes, you said that back to me in real life too).  I gave you a rolling eyeball look and said, "I didn't OFFER you a kiss." (And yes, that's exactly what I said in real life too).  I know the other chicks who met you that evening were mauling you like some kind of groupie freaks, but I'm a believer in "do unto others," so I figured it was more polite to ask first before I touched you.  My momma trained me well!!

Talk to you later, gator.  If and when you and I ever DO meet again, and I hope we will, I want to look like the "old me."  So, that's a big motivator too.  Thank you for giving me that!!

Love, Rebecca