Rude awakening...

Hello Steve,

How are you today?  Do you have any snow out there in LA?  Or wherever you are?  We've got a BUNCH of snow, and it just keeps coming. BLEAH.

I had a rather rude awakening...I woke up crying this morning, from a dream I had.  It was a bittersweet dream, happy and sad at the same time.  It's so weird how emotions can get tangled up like that sometimes.

Do you still have bittersweet dreams about Sherri?  The memories of a relationship are great, but the ending of that relationship is always sad.  I guess that's why I woke up crying.  I had one of those dreams.

Things did not end well between me and my previous boyfriend in DC.  He had told me all along that we would continue to be good friends, we'd continue to talk on the phone, chat online, and even see each other once and awhile--even after I moved to Pittsburgh to be with Pete.  And, as a matter of fact, Pete agreed to that whole idea.  So, that really helped me make the transition a little easier when I finally did move.

The thing that made it all go sour, was when the DC boyfriend THEN told me that he was done with me, and moving on, and so should I, so he no longer wanted to keep any contact with me at all.  No phone calls, no emails, no online chats.  I was shocked, he just broke that promise! He did this whole 360 turnaround, right after I moved here, (still scared to death that Pete would turn out to be a jerk), and it hurt me like you wouldn't believe.

You may have no idea about this;  the relationship between a man and woman is fragile, sure, but the relationship between a Dominant Man and a submissive woman, is wickedly and deliciously enveloping to the point of near evil.  That is, evil in a sense of "hard to sever."  I know breaking up is hard no matter what, or with whom, but the bond between a Dom and sub is so strong, so all-consuming, that ending it is very traumatic, even to the point of devastating, for both people involved.

A normal "vanilla" person would probably be hurt and upset for a week or two after the break up...maybe even a month or two, depending on how long they were together.  But a Dom/sub relationship, is one of a higher consciousness, like a Vulcan "mind-meld" on Star Trek kinda...you really do have a mental connection above all other things, even the physical.

Peter was my Dom in DC before I met Pete.  My dream was about him.

Yeah, it's kinda funny that I had two guys with the same name, at the same time.  They even knew about each other.  I wanted them to meet each other in person, but that never happened.  Hell, years before, I had two vanilla boyfriends at the same time, and we all sat down in the same room, told each other that we would be sleeping together (me with one guy while the other was out at sea in the Navy, and me with the Navy guy whenever he was able to come home on leave).  They shook hands, and everything. It was NICE, because I had the best of both worlds...the bad boy Navy guy, with wicked and wild sex all over the place, and the nice-guy with a big heart, with warm teddy bear hugs, while the Navy guy was away.

So, I am all for an adult relationship with more than one person, IF everyone involved agrees to it.  Some people like the whole idea of polyamory too, but I'm not sure if I'm quite at THAT point.  I mean, that involves marriage and stuff, more sacred, and more difficult to get OUT of than most relationships.  So you really have to work up to that.  If everyone involved is at the same maturity level, it can work.  If not, however, it can crash and burn and cause a huge horrible mess.

See, when a Dom tells his sub to do something, or NOT to do something, she obeys without question. The reason she does this, is because he has proven to her, by showing her (not just by telling her with lip service and BS), that he will protect her, keep her safe, and constantly think about her well-being. He will nurture her, guide her, help her, and keep her close.  A submissive woman NEEDS those things in order to thrive as a whole person.

You can kinda think of it as sort of a "handicap," I guess.  When a woman has grown up in a crappy childhood with daddy issues, she MORE THAN LIKELY still has those daddy issues as an adult, AND craves desperately to find that father figure who will love her unconditionally, protect her fiercely, and keep her safe above all else.  She craves someone who will fight to the death to protect her from bad people or things, someone who can get into her head, and heart, and always be there to lead her to a better understanding of herself, and her life.

Sadly, not very many men know how to do this, have any ambition TO do this, or even know what the hell I'm talking about.

(Sorry I had to end abruptly a couple of times this morning, I didn't want Pete to see it).

Do YOU know what the hell I'm talking about Stephen?  I'm going to pretend that you do, even if you really don't, so please bear with me.

As I was saying, it takes a very rare type of man to understand what being a real Dom is all about.  So many posers and wannabe's are out there, it's a very daunting job to weed through them to find a real one.  My test question was, "What is your definition of subspace?"  If they had no clue what that word meant, I said "Uhhh buh-bye now." If their definition didn't match mine or close to it, "buh-bye."

Peter's definition was spot-on.  He knew.  He didn't hesitate in his description.  He looked straight through me as he talked, almost hypnotic in his gaze, and I suddenly knew by the shiver that went all the way down my spine, that he was real.  And from that moment on, he held me captive.  And that's just where I wanted to be.

Well to make a long story short, I was with him for 2.5 years...despite his wife and 3 kids.  Yeah, I am not proud of that, of being "the other woman," but ya know, it was "safer" that way.  I could keep my distance, keep HIM at a distance, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, and out the door he'd go.  Much easier that way.  I didn't want to get all caught up in the situation, I figured his being married would prevent that from being a possibility.  I knew I could walk away from him any time I wanted to, and if he was a jerk to me, I could make his entire life a living hell.

In fact, one day, I freaked him out completely by saying, "Isn't it interesting how the name of MY street is very similar to the name of YOUR street?" And then I described what his house looked like, and his backyard, and all the details of his neighborhood. That was on our, oh, I don't know, maybe our 3rd or 4th "date." His face went ghostly white, but he kept his hypnotic, stoic stare on me as he gritted his teeth and said, "You've been to my house?"  And I smiled sweetly and said "If we're going to play this game, honey, I'm not stupid. We play the game MY way.  I'm not going to get hurt by you.  We're going to play on an even field, or not at all. You know where I live, where I work, and who my roommates are...so it's only fair that I know where YOU live, and where YOU work, and who your family is. Google is a great thing, it was very easy to find."  He knew, at that point, that I wasn't playing around unless we had a mutual understanding.  From that point on, we had a "love-hate" relationship.

And it was awesome.  Amazingly awesome to the point of I can't even describe it to vanilla people.

But, after 2.5 years of being together once or twice a week, occasionally until late at night, occasionally going out in public to restaurants to to the mall, or museum, but mostly at my place or at a hotel...he decided that I needed to get some social interaction more than just my roommates and my dog.  I didn't go out much, I was at his every beck-and-call, waiting by the phone, dying inside until he called me.  Normally, I was NOT the type of chick who sits by the phone for ANYBODY.  Hell no.  Not me. (Ask any of my friends or family, they'll tell you the same thing).

That's why this whole thing with him was so enveloping, without my even realizing it.  I was so far gone, I fell in love with this guy, Peter, and he actually told me that he loved ME too....he added, however, that he was not "in" love with me.  That confused the shit out of me.  How can you love someone, but not be "IN love" with them?  It made no sense at all.  So, I figured that was HIS way of protecting HIMSELF, by making up some bizarre statement like that just to confuse me.  Dom's are sneaky that way sometimes.

Well, he decided I needed more social interaction....we were getting too close, I think, too attached to each other, and we both knew it was a dead end.  He would never leave his wife, I would never ask him to, and that was that.  I could never hurt a wife and 3 kids, never in a million years.  If she didn't know how or couldn't keep him happy with BDSM pursuits, then I would "help" her out by providing that need to him so that he could be a better husband to HER.  Crazy maybe, but that's what I believed.  A person can justify anything if he/she puts his/her mind to it.

He decided to send me away to a BDSM camp in 2008.  I had heard of it for several years, but never actually attended because of the expense, and the fact that I had no one to go with.  I wanted him to come with me, but obviously that wouldn't be possible.  He wanted me to go and meet some new friends, (and in hindsight, he was also hoping I would find another Dom, a single Dom).  That's where I met Pete.  I had mistakenly thought Pete was a Dom, but I found out later, he really isn't one.  He was just there with a friend, a switch, who introduced him to BDSM for the first time that week.

Then, after things with Pete started to develop, (with Peter's permission), several months went by and Pete eventually asked me to move to Pittsburgh to live with him.  I said no, I loved Peter and could never leave DC, but we could continue to see each other on weekends and see how things go.  However, Pete was persistent, and I could never prove it, but I THINK the two of them talked it over amongst themselves without me knowing it...and that's when Peter decided I should go to Pittsburgh.  He did it in such a way, by promising that we'd keep in touch, we'd talk on the phone, we'd still chat online, etc., that I felt it was okay to try it for a few months.  I told Pete, "I'll try Pittsburgh for 3-6 months, in my OWN apartment, not living with you, but if things don't work out, I'm going back to Peter, and to DC."

Peter was helpful, reassuring, helped me pack, kept telling me it was for the best, that Pete could give me what HE couldn't, "a life."  I didn't understand what he meant at the time, but he was referring to the fact that our relationship could never really go anywhere, could never actually bloom into anything more than it was...but he felt that Pete could give me more than that, and that I deserved more than that.  He kept telling me he wouldn't push me in that direction unless he loved me, and he kept telling me he did.  So I believed it, and I went along with it....if he was commanding me to do something, I did it without question.  I did hesitate, and I did feel confused, but I was his submissive, I trusted that he knew what was best for me, so I went along with the whole thing.

As soon as I landed in Pittsburgh, though, everything ended with Peter...very abruptly.  He did not handle the situation very well at all.  He told me that he "released me" as his submissive, I was free and on my own to pursue a life with Pete, (I cried so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack), and he gave me a ruby and emerald cherry necklace to remember him by, and to remember DC (the cherry blossoms...also symbolic that he "broke my submissive cherry" by being my Dom for so long).  He did not want to talk with me on the phone anymore, or chat online anymore, he didn't want to be in the middle of anything with Pete and I, he just wanted me to leave him alone.  I couldn't figure out WHY.

He PROMISED me he would keep in touch, in case things didn't work out with Pete.  I was so hurt and upset and angry that he LIED to me like that, I wasn't ready to just flip a switch and turn off the love I felt for him, I didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to re-adjust to a life on my own with a vanilla guy...I had sworn to the gods above that I would never date another vanilla guy in my LIFE, and here I was, in a strange city with some new vanilla guy, giving up the best sex I had ever had with my Dom, and giving up the Dom/sub relationship.  This was the worst part of my new life, and it still hurts.

So the dream I had was of me, walking into a local dungeon by myself, and seeing across a crowded room that people were sitting at tables and playing on equipment. I walked over to the bar, to get a bottle of water, when suddenly I heard Peter's voice say, "Hello Rebecca."  I stopped dead in my tracks, shocked, my heart skipped a beat...he NEVER went to a dungeon! Was that voice REALLY HIS?  I turned suddenly to look and there he was, sitting at a table, with a blonde woman.  (Not his wife).  Before I could say anything, (the wind was knocked out of me), he stood up, opened his arms wide, and hugged me.  My first instinct was to slap him across the face for hurting me like he did, ripping his eyeballs out of his sockets, tearing his clothes to shreds...but as he hugged me close, he whispered, "I have missed you so much. I still love you. God, you're so beautiful."  And I melted back into submissive mode, and I cried and cried, hugging him desperately, wanting to believe it.

Then I woke up.

And that's how my day started.

I could write about a million pages about Peter, but.....I have to go to my chiropractor now.

Love, Rebecca