And the necklace comes off...

Hello Stephen,

This morning, Pete was sitting on the bed, hugging me as I stood in front of him, and he said, "You know, I did listen to what you were saying the other night, about how your feelings regarding this necklace have changed. But to ME, when we first met, that necklace was a barrier between us for 6 months or longer, and I still view it as "you belong to Peter," not to me."  I looked at him a moment, and I said, "I didn't really give it much thought about how YOU would react to it, but I can understand, and I'm sorry it made you feel awkward, that wasn't my intention. Do you want me to take it off?"

He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no.  I'm sure he felt caught between a rock and a hard place.

So as I smiled and voluntarily took it off, I said, "Maybe an idea would be for you and I to go to a jewelry store and REPLACE IT with a necklace from YOU that I can wear all the time." He smiled at me, and seemed to like that idea.  Then I thought, "Wow, I feel awkward now because I wonder if he thinks that was my big idea the whole time, though I know it really wasn't."  If I wanted a new necklace, I would simply come out and ask for one.  I hope he knows that about me by now.

But, it's something to consider, and with Valentines' Day coming, it seems like a good idea to me.  I told Pete that it wouldn't have to be an expensive one either.  (The cherry necklace from Peter only cost him $100 bucks).  So, if that's the only way to make Pete feel better, AND still give ME the feeling of safety and security and a sense of "belonging" to someone, by wearing it every day, it seems like the best solution I can come up with.  I'm always looking for a win-win situation as often as possible.

There was no "absolute" plan to go necklace hunting, though, so I don't know if that will happen or not. I'm open to it, but I can also go buy myself a necklace that I like on my own.  So, either way, I still want to wear the cherry necklace sometimes, and yes, I told Pete that it reminded me of the "me I used to be," which represents SUBMISSIVE MORE OFTEN IN A DUNGEON, AND IN ROPE....not as property of Peter.  But I still say, in the back of my mind, I have the feeling the two of them conspired to have Peter bow out from my life abruptly "cold turkey," even though he had promised not to.  I mean, he still keeps in touch with OTHER women he was with, they even met up for lunch occasionally if they were in town.  So why not ME??  That really bugs me a lot.  What the hell is up with that??

I tell myself---as an ego stroke---"Maybe Peter was feeling too close to me, maybe he loved me too much, and felt a clean break would actually be better for HIM, despite it causing ME a whole lot of upset."  But then, I think, "Yeah but if he REALLY loved me, he would have known how hurt it would make me feel, and he wouldn't do that without having a heart-to-heart TALK with me about it first." Which he never did.  So, I have no idea really why he did what he did...

But yesterday, Pete and I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, and as soon as we sat down, the song FAITHFULLY came over the speakers above, and I said, "Damn that Steve Perry, he's following me around again!"  Pete said, "Yeah, you should get a restraining order against him." hehehehehehe  But then he said, rather oddly, "You know, maybe your DAD told Peter to dump you cold, like he did once before, because he would cause his JOB to become difficult." (Peter deals with government contracts a lot).  I said, "Peter would have said, "Bring it. You're retired from the National Guard, you can't threaten me." (Peter was NEVER intimidated by ANYBODY for ANY reason).  He was a bit of a badass.

But, it's obviously on Pete's mind, that I've put 2 and 2 together and wonder whether or not he had anything to do with it or not.  I would not doubt it one bit.  Pete was very determined when he met me, very aggressive about it, so it wouldn't surprise me if he did.  It would upset me, sure, but I wouldn't be surprised.  It would upset me for awhile, definitely, but there's nothing anybody can do NOW about it, unless PETE contacted PETER directly on my behalf, and had HIM tell me the truth about it.  But that is something I'm not going to suggest, and probably won't ever happen.

Nope, I just don't trust men very much, and probably never will.  That's really the bottom line.  So if Pete can live with knowing that I don't trust him 100%, fine, that's how our marriage will be.  He's had worse situations with his previous two wives, so he could probably make the best of this situation with me.

Thus ends the "necklace ad nausea" saga of Rebecca's bizarre life as a submissive woman.

In other news.....my mom has walking pneumonia, but won't admit it.  I took her to the doctor yesterday, who said she could "hear RAILS" inside her lungs.  She gave my mom some potent anti-biotics, and told her not to smoke...which my mom also won't do...and today I took her for a chest x-ray that the doctor ordered.  If they find lung cancer, I'm going to freak out.  I am trying NOT to SEEM very worried, but I really and truly AM.  I just know that my mom isn't healthy, and she won't quit smoking, but won't listen to anybody about quitting.  So, she's heading INEVITABLY for a slow and awful death.  Only when she's permanently attached to an oxygen tank, and/or has a hole cut in her throat to breathe out of and talk out of, will she MAYBE consider quitting.  She's a stubborn pain in the ass sometimes, and it makes me feel upset because I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HER.

So, this whole PTSD shit from 9/11 that I've been dealing with for a decade now, is only reinforced DAILY with an 89 year old woman who could croak at any moment, and I can't save her, and now MY mom is here, slowing killing herself, selfishly not caring how it makes ME feel because I can't save HER either.  I can't save ANYBODY, and this only leaves me feeling agitated and stressed out every day.  This is why my doctor is keeping me on my anti-depressant for another year. (I take Welbutrin). It's not as potent as a "happy pill," but it keeps my mood even.  It's a low dosage, and it's not addictive, so I agreed to keep taking it.  I don't know what else to do.  She asked me if I wanted to go see a shrink, but I said the true thing that nobody seems to be hearing---I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT.  What is it about having 2 mom's to take care of, and a house, and pets, and my OWN stuff, not to mention a new HUSBAND to take care of, that people don't understand??  I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING....

I'm lucky I had 10 minutes right now to sit down and write a blog entry.  Now it's time to do laundry.

Bye for now. I hope you have a great day.  I really love ya, you big lug, and I miss you a lot. You can keep following me around everywhere I go, I honestly don't mind it one bit.  I won't get a restraining order either!!  You're free to stalk me as much as you like.  And hey, if it escalates to "rape," just remember, you can't rape the willing!! hehehehe  *wink*

Love, Rebecca