Thinking about a big life change.

Hi Stephen,

I hope your week is going well so far.  It's gorgeous and sunny here in Pittsburgh, in the 50's.  Not too shabby for January!  I think it may get colder later this week though, so winter is NOT quite over yet.

Lately I have been thinking about making a major life change.  As you well know, I've been having some difficulty trying to be a domestic housewife and caregiver for quite some time now, and frankly it's just not working for me.  It never did.  I've been giving it my best try, I've been trying to stick to it, and I apparently seem to be failing miserably every time I turn around.  So, I am really just ready to move on.

I am thinking seriously about getting my old job back at the Museum in DC.

Ever since I visited there this past weekend, I knew in my heart that THAT is where I belong.  Not here in Pittsburgh, not caring for a 90 year old woman who treats me and my mom like crap, NOT married to a guy who apparently doesn't understand me, nor has any appreciation for what I do around here either.  So why keep beating a dead horse?  I have wasted enough time doing this stuff, and hating it, so I think it's time for me to do something else.

I spent a couple hours yesterday painting our bedroom ceiling, and doing all the prep for it, so that it can be finished this week (hopefully).  Instead of hearing Pete say, "Wow that really makes a difference, so much brighter, good job, looks great," or ANYTHING positive, he focused on ONE THING that I didn't do...and the only reason I didn't do it, was because of his attention-whore MOTHER.  If she were DEAD, I would have no interruptions and could do a more thorough job of it.

However, that's not the case.  I apparently did not rinse out an edging paint brush, (GOD FORBID), and he got all upset, yelling at me about how much he hates "waste," and how much I "don't CARE" about the things he TELLS me to do, etc., so I just sat there in silence, enduring this tirade of bullshit, just looking at him, thinking to myself:  "I really do not like this man."

Why would a person stay married to someone they don't even LIKE.  Right?

That's kinda where I sit today.  I don't like him, I don't like being here, I don't like his mother, I don't like being forced into being something I am not, and I don't like being underappreciated, and treated like shit.

I deserve better.

Yeah, that's what he thinks...I just don't CARE.  That's why his mother gets a bath every couple of days, eats regularly and healthy, gets clean linens, has clean laundry, gets her meds on time, and has social interaction with me and others on a weekly basis.  That's just because I don't CARE about anything around here, you see.  I'm just an UNCARING person, who doesn't do what I am TOLD.

I guess maybe he's starting to figure out that I am not a housewife type of woman, I am not a very good cook, I am not a very good maid, and I am not a very good caregiver either.  Gee, all the things I told him to his FACE long before the wedding.  Did he hear me then?  Maybe he's starting to hear it now? Better late than never I suppose, but disappointing all the same.

He doesn't stop to think that, maybe it is rather difficult for me to even TRY to get painting done with his mom being such a pain in the ass all the time.  Used to be I could park her in front of the t.v. and leave her alone for a few hours...not anymore.  Her attention span is dwindling, and she gets all confused and cannot follow or comprehend the show that she is watching, so she gets bored and wanders around looking for me, calling out "hello?" until I come downstairs to entertain her again.  It sucks the life right out of me, and for less than $10 bucks an hour----yeah, it's actually less than that because it's a 24/7 job---but if I calculate the amount of money I get in my bank account every two weeks, and divide it by 80 hours (figuring 40 hour work weeks rather than the 24/7), it really comes up to be $3.12 an hour.

Pathetic and ludicrous.  But hey, like I've said all along since day one when she moved in, I am much cheaper than a nursing home.  He stands to inherit much more money from her when she dies this way. And once she's gone, he will have no further use for me.  That is what I suspect, and have told him so.  He swears he wants to grow old with me, (too late I said, you're already old), and he loves me, yadda yadda yadda.  Someone who claims to love me, actually gets all pissy and bitchy about a paint brush that isn't cleaned because his mother interrupts me 100 times or more every day when I try to accomplish something OTHER than entertaining her???  And that MUST mean I don't CARE??

I told my chiropractor today I'm going to find a job, and get the fuck out of Pittsburgh.

He said, "Will Pete go with you?"  I said, "Hell no, I'm leaving his ass, are you kidding me?  Especially if he keeps this shit up, he can just live without me from now on."  He said, "Why would he get all upset about a paint brush, when it could mean losing the person he loves?" I said, "Good question."

See, that's one thing about me that has always been a constant:  I don't like negative confrontation.  Never have, never will.  If you have anger that you need to express to me, you will encounter a brick wall of nothingness.  I will sit there and look at you, and blink.  I won't say a word.  I will just let you have your angry tirade, without giving any satisfaction of being involved in it whatsoever.  I don't yell back, I don't get angry back, I just start making other plans to remove myself from the equation.  It's a more pro-active approach in my opinion.  What good does arguing or yelling back really do??  Not much if you ask me.  So what's the point of even bothering to respond??  So, I don't.

He decides to yell about it when I'm in bed, ready to fall asleep, and then gives me the cold shoulder all morning before going to work.  This is not the first time either.  There have been many other times where he gets all bent out of shape---putting certain pans in the dishwasher, for instance, "will RUIN them," and he gets all pissed off if he finds one in there after TELLING ME not to do it.  Well, what about the fact that I don't have TIME to hand-wash every pot and pan in the house, on a daily basis, when I have his MOTHER to take care of?  That only makes me want to stop USING the goddamned pots and pans, which means I won't COOK anything, you will eat a SANDWICH and LIKE IT.

So the way my brain works, my response will be felt in many other ways, in many other constructive and positive ways, for ME.  Whether anybody else LIKES my response, is none of my concern.

My friend Mike died, leaving his job open at the Museum in DC.  Rachel encouraged me to apply for it. So, that is what I will do.  I will find a roommate---and my friend Barbara in Baltimore needs one, so hey guess what, that makes life much easier for us both---and that is who I lived with when I first left Michigan and moved to the DC area when I was 27 years old.  So, why not do it again?  Easy enough.

I can work wherever the hell I can get a job, two jobs if necessary, (lots of temp agencies there) to save up a little money and get rolling, until I get that job at the Museum---just like I did before.  It took me 6 months before, so I'm willing to bet it would take at least that long again, maybe longer.  I may NEVER get re-hired there, who knows, but like before, I can always volunteer, or just go there as often as I want to, and even give TOURS if I want to.  I can go back to being where I know in my heart that I truly belong, without any help from anybody, and I can do it today.  So why waste anymore time trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole in a place where I am not happy?

I haven't been happy in Pittsburgh since the day I moved here.  Pete knows this.  It's no secret.

So I guess that is where I will focus my energy from now on.  It may take some time to do it, but if I put my mind to it, it will happen.

I just keep the hurt feelings that Pete causes me from his yelling outbursts in the front of my mind, and know that THAT is really his true colors showing.  THAT is the real type of guy he is.  It takes a few years of knowing someone to really get to that point, but here it is.  And I just really don't like him much.

As for "love," well, I will get over it.  I don't allow myself to get too involved in love anyway.  It's a joke, a stupid waste of bullshit and energy, that really doesn't exist on a deep level anymore anyway.

I have better things to do.

So, I will keep you posted on my new life plans...and I will continue to wait for YOUR new life plans in the form of a brand new album of music.....that will help me get through tough times in my future.  Thanks for contributing that to my world, Stephen, it really does make a difference.

I'm going to go now, and NOT CARE about this house or anything else for awhile, by making some lunch for myself and the two moms, and doing some laundry that I really don't CARE about either, and painting some more with a new paint brush that I purchased with my own money.  Then I'm going to empty the dishwasher of the pots and pans, because I just don't CARE if they are ruined or not.  That's really what it is, you know, I'm an uncaring human who doesn't do what I'm TOLD----who has the chronic "save the world" syndrome and is also very submissive.

Does that make any goddamned sense at all??  Pete doesn't even know me, after all this time.  He doesn't have a clue about me at all.  That is the most disappointing thing really.

Once all this is done, and over with, I can move on and get back to my own life and tiny shred of sanity that still exists within.  Happy New Year to me.  I'm heading towards a divorce and hard times.  But if it means not being yelled at for every little thing that I "don't CARE" about, and if it means not being MISERABLE every day, then hey, I really have nothing to lose.

Love, Rebecca