Ahhh Monday...

Hi Stephen,

The cat woke me up again.  She comes upstairs to jump on top of me, only to sit on my chest and stare at me until I open my eyes.  I push her off a few times, but she gets right back on until I get up out of bed, go downstairs, and put food in her dish.  That's Amaya.  Obie, however, (the male), has a loud meow, and prefers to stand at the foot of the bed, yelling at me until I get up.  This is how my Monday has begun.

I don't know what you have planned for the 4th of July, (hopefully something fun with family and friends), but starting this next weekend, Pete's kids are coming to visit, then my sister and her family, and then my Uncle and his girlfriend will also be here visiting, oh, and along with Pete's grandkids too. Soooo, the month of July might as well just be kissed goodbye, it'll go quick.  However, that means I have an entire house to get cleaned up and spiffi-fied, (a new word I just created, I know you're impressed with my outstanding vocabulary), and that means I won't have time to do much of anything else for the next few days.

We have nothing planned for the 4th, and Pete doesn't like to venture out to the downtown area for fireworks (even though the same company who does them in DC is located here and does them too), so I don't think we have much of anything going on.  I'm sure the neighbors will keep my dog all crazed with the fireworks they set off around us that evening though.  She doesn't like the noisy things.  Hair dryer, vacuum cleaner, thunder, etc., really freaks her out.

I've worked on spray-painting every piece of wicker furniture on our back porch...it's now a very pretty apple green color, with the orange cushions.  Now I just need a new rug...the one we have is blue.  Pete says, "Or, we could remove the rug and just have concrete...it IS a porch after all..."  But noooo, it's an OUTDOOR ROOM dammit, and it should have CARPETING.  Nobody would go out there if their feet had to be on hard cold concrete the whole time.  This way, people gather, it's relaxing, and comfy.

In addition to doing that project, I have filled 2 tall glass vases full of bark pieces, slate rock slabs, spanish moss, and fake flowers on top...for my smaller living room.  I like the "earthy" colors and stuff, so I figured why not fill the vases with some earthy items and make it pretty at the same time?  Then, I got some textured wallpaper for the kitchen, to use as a backsplash...did you know that hanging wallpaper is really hard to do?  Yeah, I'm sure you have never done it yourself, you're rich enough to pay somebody else to do it.  I am learning as I go, actually, and frankly it's a pain in the patoot.  But, it does look nice so far, and I have 2 very long walls left to go.  In fact, I may just do all of the wall space rather than just underneath the cupboards on the back walls, for continuity.  But, we'll see.

So I am keeping busy with projects around the house like that.  Pete also keeps me busy helping him rehearse for his two plays.  See, that's one thing that a musician can't really do, unfortunately, is have somebody HELP him rehearse.  Especially if the person they bring along can't read or understand sheet music, or theory, or anything musical except hearing it and giving an opinion.  That's really not much help, though, and they grow easily bored with the hours that have to be spent practicing.  But somebody in a play can have help with their lines, and that's what I've been doing.  I have never acted in a play myself, but Pete loves to do it, so I help him go over the lines of his part.  I also help by gathering his costume supplies (thrift stores, costume stores, etc)., and I make sure he eats and gets enough sleep too, when he listens to me.

He's going to be in 2 plays simultaneously, so he's driving himself ragged right now, he's Arthur MacAfee in "Bye Bye Birdie," (the Paul Lynde character, in one of his most favorite movies), and he's also playing the Skipper in the Gilligan musical----yes, (cringe), it has become a musical----and worse, this is the LAST performance allowed in a community theater before it goes to Brroadway, YESSS, it's going to BROADWAY.  Both Marvin Hamlisch and I agree, Broadway has really gone down the tubes over the years, doing stupid things like that, lame and boring, nothing great anymore, just selling out and staying safe, and doing things that have no real meaning just to make money.  Very sad. He doesn't even like "revivals," he said, because you cannot improve perfection from the original.

Now, I don't know about you, Stephen, (Mr. Perfectionist), but I think you are a lot like Marvin in that respect.  He likes doing new things, trying different styles and new ideas, all the time.  He doesn't like to just be pigeon-holed into one genre, he doesn't like feeling like he's forcing his emotions while playing a song for the 500 thousandth time, and he'd rather play his own music with a new singer accompanying him each time, even if he prefers one over all the others.  I think it would be awesome if he invited you to sing with the Pittsburgh Pops.  Wouldn't THAT be something!!  I know you liked having an orchestra on FTLOSM, so that isn't too far-fetched to hope for, is it??

Well, whatever you do on your upcoming album, I am SURE will be different, fresh, new, and awesome.  But hey, if you're reached a writers block or something, call up Marvin Hamlisch and talk to him awhile, see what he's got in mind as advice and suggestions, and I think the two of you would really be "in-tune" together in a lot of things.  Just my opinion, but what the heck, there ya go.

My friends in DC and VA have all been hit recently by the rain storm they had the other day, and are now without electricity for a whole WEEK.  Hotels are swamped, needless to say, because of the air conditioning.  Can you imagine being in 110 degree heat, without it?!  That's just insane.  I worry about the home-bound elderly people who are now suffering because of the electrical outages there..  No t.v., no telephone, no way to cook anything, no air conditioning...I'd be curious to know just how many elderly die in the next week from this mess.  (I know, my brain works strangely sometimes).  But that's just me.  I worry about things like that.  Somebody should, right?

But anyway, I'm just glad I'm not there dealing with such a thing.  A whole week for the electrical companies to fix is ridiculous.  But, apparently millions of people are left without power, downed lines and trees are all over the place, it's pretty bad from what I've heard.  Kinda glad I don't live there anymore.  In some ways I miss it, in others I don't.

One thing Pete did the other night, while we were having some kooky, (ahem), was suddenly blurt out something that my EX- (Peter), did when he was with me-----and my brain went haywire, because WOW, Peter's face was suddenly in front of me, and all the emotion that goes along with it was flooding over me....and talk about a buzz kill....why the HELL would a guy DO that in the middle of kooky?!!  I said, "If that's your idea of a mind fuck, you FAIL, in fact, that is an EPIC FAIL."

Peter was someone I loved with all my heart, before I met Pete.  I would have done anything for him.  I was with him for 2.5 years, despite his having a wife and 3 kids.  I didn't care.  That's not something I am proud of, but it worked and I was happy and that was all I cared about at the time.  I had nothing to lose, you see.  It was "safe" for me to be with someone who was largely unaccessible.  Suffering from the chronic "come here go away" disease in the love life department really sucks, but that was my plight of passion and I was stuck with it.  I liked having him come over for a few hours, and then leave so I could get on with my life and enjoy my freedom of being single.

What I didn't realize while it was happening, is that it took its toll on me in many ways.  He killed me, time and time again, and yet I kept going back handing him a noose, a gun, a knife, you name it...asking to be killed again and again and again, knowing it would hurt me somehow, yet unable to break the vicious cycle of the whole thing.  I was addicted to being killed by this guy, but I loved it.  Does that make any sense??  I know, it's very complex sometimes, it's hard to explain to other people.  Ours was a love-hate relationship.  I hated that he would love me and then leave me, yet I loved that he wasn't always around in my face, bugging me.  I wanted more, he refused to give me more.  He couldn't even if he tried, without risking being caught by his wife and losing everything.  I didn't want to be a home wrecker either.  I felt horribly guilty about his kids the most.  The wife?  Not so much. If she knew how to please him, he wouldn't have been with ME.  So, it's her own stupid fault, and if she can't see that, it's her own stupid problem and I don't really give a shit.  That was my attitude.  But the kids, well, that's another story.  THAT really broke my heart, knowing he loved them so much and was such a great dad to them all, yet at the same time, he's a lying, cheating dirty dawn of a man, and doesn't DESERVE to have such great kids.  Ya know what I mean??

The whole thing was very bittersweet, and when my HUSBAND mentions his name in the middle of a passionate moment with me, well, it throws me into all kinds of emotional chaos.  Even now.  I think maybe Pete does that to gauge just how much chaos I'm still feeling over him as time goes by.  I'm surprised myself that I still have chaos, 5 years after the fact.  I still crave him in a lot of ways though.  Pete told me he couldn't give me the "danger" that Peter did....and that's true....but Peter told me that PETE could give me a LIFE, more than he ever could.  So, the two of them both killed me in different ways.  Did I even WANT a "life?"  Not really.  Too complicated, too much hoo-ha and rigamarole.  I liked simplicity, not being stuck with someone I didn't truly love...ya know?

In fact, moving here to live with Pete was an experiment, actually, because I never lived with anyone before (except platonic roommates).  I didn't love Pete at first.  Some days I still wonder if I know HOW to love anyone.  There are days I don't love him one bit, when he acts like an asshole, or drives like a maniac with me in the car, or picks a fight for no reason, etc., and I feel like packing my bags and walking out the door.  That's my first gut reaction whenever I am pissed off at him for something.  I have not yet reached the "i cannot live without you" phase of this marriage, I guess.  Don't know that I ever will, because, well, I lived without him for 40 years of my life.  I know I could do it again.  If he croaks, I'll be okay, ya know?  I can get a job again, I can make a living again if I have to, I can succeed at doing things outside of this marriage.  I have enough confidence and self-esteem to know that, and I trust and believe that.

But wow, mentioning Peter really threw me into a tizzy.  It's like suddenly everything PETE was doing was totally wrong, didn't feel the way it should, not the way PETER did it, etc., and I found myself and my whole body suddenly electrified and eager to have PETER there, and that makes me feel horribly guilty and dirty and just icky at the same time.  But, here's the weird thing....PETE did something for me that only PETER had ever done for me before, (sexually, I'll spare you the details), and I nearly went through the friggin' ROOF it was so mind-blowing and awesome....NOT because of the physical ACT of it, with PETE there....but because my brain REFOCUSED on PETER doing the same thing for me years ago, and he was suddenly there in my brain AGAIN, and doing what my body needed and craved at that moment----it was PETER that made me go through the friggin' roof.  Not Pete.

Soooo all weekend long, I've been feeling sad.

Pete's been gone most of the time, too, which doesn't really help me out of the funk.  He had a rehearsal yesterday from noon until 10 p.m., for instance.  Ya know what else is weird?  After our nooky on Friday evening, Saturday my body kicked into "period" mode----or so I thought---but I'm wondering if something else is going on----psychologically I mean.  It's like this switch has been flipped, somehow, and after going to rehearsal with Pete on Saturday afternoon and then driving up to Ohio to the BDSM club for a party, I was FINE the whole time, UNTIL WE ARRIVED AT THE CLUB.  Then suddenly, my stomach bloated and hurt, my cramps began, and I felt exhausted and irritable and sore all over, achey...which, if you know anything at all about going to a BDSM club, is QUITE uncomfortable to feel those things while being tied up or flogged, or whatever.

My body rebelled against Pete, because it was still stuck thinking about Peter.  And my body shut itself down towards Pete.  I didn't THINK IT, consciously, at all.  I was very confused by it, actually.  But it made sense, it happens every 30 days whether I like it or not, and so I didn't think much of it.  However, yesterday, nothing happened.  I haven't had any pink or flowing or anything.  My stomach is still a bit bloated, the cramps have pretty much gone, and though I felt tired and a little achey, I haven't really HAD much of a "period" at all.  And when I think about it, this has happened to me before too.  It's like my body says, "You just kicked me into PETER mode, so this other guy, Pete, doesn't cut it, so I'm just gone rebel and block him from doing anything physical with me right now."

Never thought my own body would do such a thing.  But then again, you never know what your emotions will do to ya either.  Soooo I've been in this strange emotional place all weekend long, ya know?  Bits and pieces of memory of Peter fly in and out of my brain, fluttering by, like a wicked bee about to sting, taunting me with it's bittersweet moment of stinging, unable to shoo it away, knowing it's going to sting again next time too, and almost ALMOST waiting in eager anticipation of the next moment of sting, at the same time, and wanting to be stung over and over again.  It's the craziest thing I've ever really experienced in my love life.

I can't tell Pete this stuff though.  He wouldn't understand it anyway.  I don't even understand it.

Soooooo I guess my advice to you is, DON'T MENTION YOUR LADY IN RED'S EX- WHILE YOU'RE IN THE HEAT OF A MOMENT LIKE THAT, unless you want to deal with the emotional consequences that might still linger inside of her.  It'll only leave YOU wondering where she went for the next few days, and why her body isn't responding to you anymore like it normally does.

Women are wired weirdly I guess. It's quite annoying, actually, even to me. Even while I'm going through it.  I don't know how to make it stop or go away, I don't know how to make my body stop rebelling or craving some other guy's touch and style in the bedroom....but Pete and Peter are two totally different animals, and sometimes the wicked animal with claws and a sting seems more exciting and dangerous than the soft, cuddly panda bear.  Ya know?

Well, I'd better go for now. Hopefully I can figure out a way to purge myself of this stupid shit.

Have a great Monday and I'll write again soon.  Don't mind me and my insanity.  I'll be just FIIIIIINE. (Remember that awesome song, "Mother, Mother," from the 90's? I loved it...because I've lived it).  I'm hungry, I'm dirty, I'm killing myself---EVERYTHING'S FIIIIIIINNNNEEE!!!"  Yep, that sums it up.

Love, Rebecca