Anyway, I've been working on a project around here lately, taking Florence's stuff out of her sitting room (though her recliner is on the far left still), and making it into my new office. Why an unemployed schlub like me NEEDS an office, I'll never know. But, Pete had the idea, so that's what I'm doing. I really don't feel right being in that room, and it has taken me about 10 days to really do all of this so far, I just keep getting hung up on how it doesn't FEEL right. It's Florence's room.
But, for what it's worth, here it is....my "still-in-progress" new office space. When I was younger, I had posters of Elvis all over my bedroom walls. Then it was John Lennon and the Beatles. In college, in my dorm room, I had Journey posters on my wall. Since the age of 10, I have collected all sorts of Journey "junk." Until recently, it's all been kept in a big plastic tub in the garage. I have gone through some of it, dusted some things off, replaced some frames, and hung up a few things on the wall....for the first time in about 20 years.
It makes me feel awkward, actually. Strange. Like, wow, I'm WAY too old for this shit. Ya know? But, for lack of anything else to decorate my office with, I will keep it up for awhile. Maybe I'll find something else to decorate with later on. I did buy a can of paint, too, a nice coral color...but I just don't have the oomph right now to paint it.
Most everything you see here is autographed. The far left top photo is an 8 x 10 black and white glossy of YOU, during the FTLOSM tour, and you signed it, "To Becky, Love, Steve Perry." Then I had the other guys sign it too, so Lincoln, Moyes, Paul and Todd all have their signatures on it as well. That, out of everything else you see here, is my most prized possession. I love that photo more than anything. I mean, I love everything else here too, but that one is very special to me.
The small white thing underneath the photo in the same frame, is the business card that John Toomey gave me in person, with his home phone number on it. I have never called it though.
Under that, is a CAPTURED mirror...you know, the kinds they used to give out as prizes at the carnivals. Beside it on the bottom *under the autographed drum head* is a Frontiers mirror. Found those at yard sales a long time ago.
I just thought I'd put some of the more unusual and/or rare autographed stuff on the walls, and above the center photo of you with your arm in the air, is my most recent purchase: a signed CD by Steve Smith of Journey's Greatest Hits 2. Then beside that is THE STORM autographed photo when I met them all in Grand Rapids Michigan in 1992. I still gotta find my black and white 8 x 10 of Steve Smith that is autographed when I met HIM in Grand Rapids too, in 1994, and I gotta find the photo of me with Neal and Jonathan from 1992....this one.....(I know I have it somewhere around here in the frame)....
But, lately, I just feel out of sorts about life in general. I mean, I feel like I don't belong here. Ya know? Like this is all wrong, and I shouldn't be here....I felt that way especially this morning when my Museum friend (former coworker) put some photos of all my other coworkers up on Facebook, all sitting around a table, at a meeting, eating lunch....THAT is where I should be...THAT is where I belong. I felt the same pang of despair and loss when I saw those photos. I miss them all so much.
Pete and I will be going to DC in September, so I hope I can drop in and visit with everyone for awhile, just to say hello. I wish with all my heart that I still worked there. Every day. I don't think that will ever change. I just feel like I was somehow tossed out on my keister, unexpectedly, and can't go back. It all happened so quickly, on 9/11, that it makes my head spin. I still feel a sense of "what the hell?" and "how did I end up here?" almost every day. It makes me feel like I am haunting the Museum with my thoughts, you know? Like I am living in 2 places...one inside my head, at the Museum, every day and the other here in Pittsburgh, going through the motions of being married and dealing with all the crap that goes along with it. I just feel like I am in a tug of war in my heart.
So putting up photos of something that comforts me, is a bit soothing. But, again, it makes me feel like I am 12 again, and that gives me the creeps. I am 44 years old for cripes' sake. Get over it. I should just put a huge Ebay lot on sale, and get rid of it all. I've thought about it. When I was broke, I very nearly did it, too, several times....but something always held me back. So, I'm stuck with it all, and now I figure I'll look at it awhile, and then put it all back away again.
After my computer was crashed and I went through the harassment with that jerk faced idiot, though, I boycotted everything Journey related, even YOU, for a long time. I would turn the radio channel if your voice came on. I wouldn't listen to my CDs anymore. I put everything I owned completely away, in storage. I refused to love you and Journey anymore, and made up my mind to forget you all. I really loathed you, believe it or not, because YOU were a jerk for leaving Journey you bastard---(until it was learned that you were booted out on your keister)---and then I was pissed at all the OTHER guys for doing that to you. So, I hated you all for awhile.
And yet, 2 decades later, here I am. Surrounded by Journey junk on my walls once again.
Sigh. You are one of the very few things in my life that has remained a "constant." And a comfort.
Well, today has been frustrating. Both of my shoulders hurt a lot...right in the joints. Now my right knee is hurting me too, so I'm falling apart, and my chiropractor says to do "Tai-Chi." LAME!!! LAME!!! LAME!!! I told him I have fibromyalgia or carpal tunnel or something, he says no, I don't, I am just too sedentary and need to get into shape. BLEAH. I don't like that guy very much. He tugs on my arms, pushes on my knee, HURTS ME and then I actually give him MONEY for doing it!!! Stupid chiropractor. I really don't like doctors one bit.
Pete's son is also frustrating. He just lays on the couch all day long, doing nothing but watching t.v. and movies. Oh, and he eats. Everything in sight. I had bought a dozen donuts, to last the whole week, but yesterday he ATE the LAST FOUR all in one sitting. I got ONE out of the whole bunch! (hadda eat half of one each time...diabetes sucks too). He now wants ME to drive him over to his friend Tom's house because Tom has no car and no way to get here...but you see, he and Tom used to sneak marijuana and smoke it together all the time, which is what led to Nate's issue with spice, making him go blind. So I don't TRUST Tom. He knew Nathan was a pot head, he started Nathan on pot, but yet he told us to our faces that "he didn't realize he was doing that." GRRRR.
The last time we saw Tom, he told us he was working as an EMT at a hospital, which does random drug testing...so he doesn't do that stuff anymore. BUT, he has now been injured, somehow, and can't work. Sooooo....my thought is, he's FREE to do whatever he wants to now, right? And Nathan is not in a frame of mind that he would turn it down if offered to him. So that worries me a lot. Pete doesn't seem that worried, so it makes ME wanna just throw my hands up in the air, and let Nate STAY WITH TOM THE REST OF THE DAMNED WEEK. I'm hiding upstairs on the computer for awhile, listening to your voice, trying to ignore him...................
SHIT!! He just came up here to ask me again if I would take him to Tom's. I told him his dad was going to call him in a bit, because he said he's not fond of the idea. Let PETE deal with it. He's not my son, and nothing I say seems to matter anyway, so screw it. The other thing that bugs me is that last night, my mom overheard Pete talking to Nate, and when Nate asked if Tom could come over (Pete knows I do NOT want Tom in my house), he simply said, "How does REBECCA feel about that? Maybe you should ask HER." Well, Nate ANNOUNCED this morning, in front of Pete, that Tom WAS coming over later today. He didn't ASK me anything. THAT is the manipulation that drives me up the friggin' wall.
* Do you see a parallel about the shootings I mentioned above, and the fact that I am trying to WARN Pete about this situation, and he's not listening?! * Nobody ever listens to me, I don't know why I even speak to anybody about anything. The Philadelphia Eagles coach just found his son DEAD because of DRUGS, at college. If Nathan keeps doing drugs, he'll die. You would THINK that would be a bigger concern with Pete, but Pete is the KING of avoidance. He just doesn't know how to deal with it either. So his answer is, "get busy being in 2 plays at one time, somebody ELSE will take care of it."
Ah well, if Nathan were 10, I could deal with him much easier. But he's 26....going on 18. So, I have NO CLUE how to deal with him, I just know that he reminds me too much of my bipolar ex-boyfriend who drove me BONKERS the whole 2 years I was with him. (Why the HELL I wasted 2 years on that idiot, I still don't know). I guess in my stupid femaleness, I thought I could "help" him, or "change" him in some way....I really hate that stupid female shit. Wasted a lotta time on that BS in my love life, lemme tell ya.
Pete wanted to have his Gilligan play cast party here on Sunday evening, so I finally and reluctantly agreed, but now people are voicing their concern over how FAR it is to DRIVE to get over here (it's over a bridge, God forbid!)---Pittsburgh people are insane. They don't want to drive over a bridge, and there are HUNDREDS of bridges in this state!! So now I don't know WHAT the hell is going on. I was going to decorate our kitchen island as an actual ISLAND, with bamboo and hula skirts, etc., to make it look like a hut kinda. And make some mini banana cream and coconut cream pies too. But screw them all, if they can't bust their asses to DRIVE here, then I'm not gonna bust my ass for them either. People are so friggin' lazy it's ridiculous. What do they want us to do? Bring everything TO THEM AND SPOON FEED THEM OR WHAT?!!!
I am irritated today. Maybe PMS is visiting. I don't know. I just feel like it's all wrong, I don't belong here, I should be in DC at the Museum, and to HELL with Pete and his stupid family of crazy people. Seriously, his stepdaughter lost her 2 kids to foster care because she couldn't take care of them, his mother is a loon with Alzheimers disease, and now Nathan is a mental case too. It's just too much for me to handle. I married PETE, but all this BAGGAGE of his is getting way too heavy for me to carry.
That's how I'm feeling today.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Bye for now.
Love, Rebecca
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