Major meltdown...

Hi Steve,

I hope you had an enjoyable weekend.  Did you get all your Christmas shopping finished?!  Or are you one of those procrastinators who wait until Christmas Eve to do it?  I try to get all of my gifts BEFORE Halloween and Thanksgiving, so that I don't have to battle the parking lots at the mall, or the rude people everywhere who fight over stuff.  I just don't like the negativity of it.

Well I watched the Sandy Hook Elementary Memorial last night, where President Obama spoke, and you could see the tears flowing down his face...he was genuinely grieving along with everyone else. I cried like a baby through the whole thing.  The haunting thing about it was, in the background, you could hear the sound of a baby crying.  That just killed me.  After it was over, Pete came over to hug me, and I lost it.  I just had a major meltdown, blubbering like an idiot for over an hour.  I hate crying.  It doesn't solve anything, it doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't do anything but clog up my nose and make me feel frustrated that I can't make it stop.  Pete just held me the whole time.

I cried not only for those 20 kids, but for ALL the kids who die, from unfortunate diseases, or accidentally, or in senseless wars.  I cried for our neighbor's baby, the sweetest happiest little girl you could ever meet....and I cried all of the Holocaust victims who were children, and how they never had a chance at life.

I cried because my soul has been ripped to shreds inside, my heart hurts, I feel like a gaping wound, that someone dumped salt into, just raw and aching all over.  I feel so broken.

If this tragedy has affected ME this deeply, I cannot even imagine how the parents are dealing with it.  Seeing those tiny caskets, taking their sweet baby away forever...I just cannot imagine it.  And what about all of the SURVIVING kids, who SAW their friends being killed?  How will THEY deal with it?  They are scarred for LIFE now, each and every one of them.  Someone on Facebook wrote that they are going to close the Sandy Hook school forever, and send the surviving kids to other schools in the area from now on.  I think that is a good idea.  There's no way anyone would get anything accomplished if they had to re-live that horrible day over and over again.

I came up with the idea to plant 26 trees in memory of the victims, but apparently someone in North Carolina has already donated 26 trees to be planted on the road to the school.  It's something that the parents can watch grow over the years, as a symbol of their child.  It may not comfort them much, but it is something they can nurture and care for.  A lot of those families may move away from Sandy Hook now, because the town feels so tainted and toxic.  Can't really blame them.  But, nowhere is safe anymore.

I told Pete, in between sobs, that I hoped the world DOES end on December 21st like the Mayans said.

We had a fight over the weekend, he was angry with me because I spent $363 on shipping through UPS for all the Christmas gifts-----spent the same amount of $$ that I would have if I had just driven to Michigan myself to hand-deliver them.  That's why I couldn't understand why he was so upset.  The same amount of money would have gone for gasoline, food, and incidentals.  He yelled at me, and so I yelled back at how WASTEFUL HE IS too.  I pointed out that he just spent $1,000 bucks on getting our chimney fixed, just for ONE WEEKEND of this party he's planning, so he can have a fire going.  I pointed out how HE just spent $100 on FAKE POOP to take to camp, and he bought it SIX MONTHS beforehand!!  (Long story, it's a joke we're going to play on someone).  I pointed out how he spent $400 at the comic book convention, and on and on and on......but when it's something I want to do, or I need to spend, he gets all bent out of shape.

Apparently I triggered some past relationship baggage that he calmed down and told me about.  His first wife spent way too much money on Christmas every year and he got angry about it every time.  So my telling him about it just triggered that same old argument from his past, and he blew up at me.  I told him that it wasn't FAIR of him to lump me into the same category as his past wives, I'm not like them, and if I SCREW UP once a year for Christmas, he'd better THANK his lucky STARS that it's only ONCE.  I added that if he couldn't HANDLE my doing something that I felt was important, without consulting him, then he's with the wrong bitch and should pack it up and leave right now.

Then I pointed out that I didn't have to tell him the truth about it.  I could have just said, "I borrowed $100 from savings to pay for shipping, I'll replace it on payday from my account."  But I told the TRUTH, that I spent MY $210, my MOM's last $60, and then I borrowed $100 to pay for it.  I pointed out that HE GAVE ME that money to drive to Michigan, and it would have been spent ANYWAY, so I told him to shut the fuck up about it.  It was MY CHOICE.

I told him I don't like this double standard bullshit going on with money, and that from now on, I will NOT fight over money, EVER AGAIN.  My parents spent most of my childhood fighting over money, and I REFUSE TO DO THAT.  So when he gets a bug up his ass about it next time, he'll be talking to a brick wall.  I won't respond.

He finally realized that I made some very valid points, and he apologized for yelling at me.  But I was in tears, because it's IMPORTANT to me to never let those kids down---my 2 nephews, and my best friend's kids don't HAVE MUCH, their parents cannot AFFORD much, so I want to make Christmas SPECIAL for them, and YES I want everything to arrive there for them to open ON CHRISTMAS DAY.  If I were late, I would feel like I let them down, and disappointed them, and those kids have had enough disappointment to last them a lifetime already.  I don't want to contribute to that.

Pete's kids are all older, so he doesn't remember feeling this way when they were younger I guess.  But now he understands why I didn't WAIT to go to the post office on Monday, the gifts would not make it there on time.  Yeah, I don't usually ship things via UPS, it's outrageously expensive, and I knew it would be.  But I wanted to do it, and I only borrowed $100 from savings----I used MY money and my MOM's money, and promised to pay the $100 back.  He said that is not the issue, I should have called him about it FIRST----and I did, I tried several times, but he didn't answer, and there was no signal inside the UPS store.  I texted him, and they took forever to send, but he didn't answer those either.  So I waited a little bit, but there was a huge line of people behind me, so I couldn't wait very long.  I just went ahead and did it, but he was pissed.

Too fucking bad.  I will NOT compromise when it comes to those kids in Michigan that I love as if they were my own.  Not for him, not for anybody, not for any reason.  If he doesn't like it, he can divorce me and find someone else to be a doormat for him, because I refuse to be one.

So things were tense, needless to say, all weekend long.  I will be glad when the next 2 weeks are OVER.  I'm so sick of the holiday crap, and the party stuff, I'm just sick of it all.  I told Pete, next year, I'm taking off, even if it's without him, because I won't go through this bullshit again.

Kids really do get a raw deal out of life, don't they.  I think, if you made a list of things that God cried most about with the human race, the number one item on the list would be how we treat our children and our elderly.  But why God would allow 20 young kids in a school to be slaughtered senselessly, I will never understand or forgive.

Well, I have to go for now.  Love you lots.  I send you a big hug, as I'm sure you share in some of the sorrow that the whole nation and the whole world feel right now about Sandy Hook.  It's devastating.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca