So, before I left, I leaned over to her, and said, "Miss Flo-Flo, this is Rebecca....we are all here with you....you are not alone...we are all around you, and we love you very much. Janice and Pete love you and my mom Ruby and I love you too. But we understand if you have to go. It's okay. What a wonderful way to spend your 92nd birthday, by finally getting to meet God! You can thank him for the long and happy life you have had. Please tell Him we said hello. It's okay, Florence, if you have to go, we understand, and we will always love and miss you very much....but we know you have to go."
And 5 minutes after I left, she was gone.
She was old fashioned, she had to be invited to events, or to join someone for lunch, she had to get permission for anything because she didn't like making decisions. I just wanted her to know that it was ok to die. Before I told her those things, though, she was able to talk with her daughter (on the phone, but of course she didn't have the ability to respond). I am a firm believer, however, that even if the person is comatose, they can still hear everything. Whether she could understand it, I don't know. But I'd like to believe the things I said actually helped her.
Meanwhile, Pete was stranded on his way to work, the van suddenly died. The tow truck driver picked him up, and then Pete's phone rang. It was the nursing home. "Can you come in right away?" they asked. He said, "Has my mother passed?" And the answer was yes. The tow truck driver dropped him off at the nursing home, and we hugged. We cried. We saw her laying there, eyes closed, looking peaceful and rested. Pete took a picture of her. He asked me, "Can she have that Raggedy Ann doll....to take with her?" I said, "Of course, it's hers, I gave it to her." (She slept with it every night).
Then we drove to the nearest funeral home, we sat down, talked about the things she wanted----which I had written down on my iPhone notes in March of 2011---before she went to the nursing home. She wanted a blue pillow, blue lining, and didn't care what she wore. She listed her favorite hymns. She mentioned the church and the cemetery, and that she didn't want a big fuss. She wanted a nice, simple memorial service. A nice, simple burial. She just wanted peace.
Within four hours of her death, we had arranged to have the funeral home transfer her to the New Jersey cemetery where her parents and sister are buried, the dates were set for the grave side service and the memorial church service, her body had been taken by the funeral home, and her room at the nursing home was completely cleaned out of everything she owned. Four large black garbage bags full of clothing, some stuffed animals, lots of greeting cards for holidays and stuff, and photos in frames. That's really all she needed there. That's all she wanted to have.
It all happened so fast. Her 92 years of life, just suddenly, ended. And now the hard part comes.
I sat down and wrote this to her the day before she died.....and I put it into her birthday card, and asked them to tuck it in with her. I have to go now. We still have a lot to do. Bye for now. Love, Rebecca
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Florence May Hoch, you are an amazing woman. I will always cherish the time we have had together, the funny jokes you used to tell, and all the positive, happy times that we’ve shared.
Visiting you at Arden Courts was always an interesting event. There were sometimes singers, sometimes piano players, bingo games, table bowling tournaments, and lots of other activities that kept you busy every day, which was GREAT because when you lived at home with us, I kept running out of ideas.
I remember one time I brought Sassy with me to come visit you. She was excited to see so many people who seemed to love her just as much as you do! You got up from your bingo game, came over to say hello and pet her, and then one of your bingo buddies exclaimed, “Yeah, yeah, it’s a dog, are we gonna play this game or WHAT?!” You said, “Oops, I gotta go...” and turned back to go sit down and resume the game! That was a short, but sweet, visit. You told me once that you had been called “Crisco” as a kid, and when I asked why, you said with a glimmer in your eye, “because I had a lotta FAT in the CAN!”
Each and every time Pete and I visited, you would introduce us to the people around you, and take us on a tour of the facility, almost as though you owned the place! You enjoyed making new friends, having medical aides around to talk to, (those “kids” you would call them), and you told us that you wanted to get your life back---and that you CHOSE to live at Arden Courts to do just that. You even picked out your own room! You made sure they knew that you liked sleeping in late, and having fruit at breakfast. You told them prune juice at lunch. You told them you loved cookies for dessert and expected them every evening after dinner, with your coffee! You made yourself right at home, very quickly, and everyone enjoyed your company.
Miss Flo-Flo, you did indeed get your life back, and for that I am very proud of you.
Another time, I caught you sitting on the lap of a man named Marty. He was apparently your new boyfriend! (His wife didn’t mind it at all)! She knew that he thought you were HER, because you both have white hair, and she said that he just wanted to show you some affection. He held your hand, he put his arm around you, chatted, made funny comments, and flirted like crazy. The aide told me that you were often found sitting in his room, even sitting on his bed with him! (Ooooh, you GO girl)!! You told me that he was a very nice man, and a good kisser, but you didn’t love him, he was just “a friend.”
Then one day the staff felt concerned that you might need to go have a check up at the hospital. I drove to pick you up and take you there, but Marty insisted on driving you himself. He kept saying, “I don’t know where they put my darn keys, but I am parked outside, and I’ll take care of you. I’ll drive. You’ll be fine.” He kept feeling his pockets as he sat in the wheelchair, looking for his car keys! Then he reached over, held your hand as you sat in a wheelchair to go, he reached over and gave you a KISS! And you kissed him right back! There I stood in the hallway, with the two of you crazy kids making out! Talk about AWKWARD! But, that was so sweet! He was really quite smitten with you ya know. Va-va-va-VOOM! Hubba hubba and all that jazz!
Ahh yes, Florence, there were days when you sometimes had the belief that you were the nurse in charge of this “hospital” that you were “working in.” In fact, at one morning gathering, you pounded your hand on the table and said, “Excuse me, but I am in charge of this meeting, and I expect you all to pay attention!” That confused everybody in the room! But you weren’t going to take any guff from anybody that day!
In fact, the aides who worked there told us that you often tried to help people by pushing them in their wheelchairs, holding their hands, and talking to them like you really were the nurse! They were surprised when I told them that you actually had been an O.R. nurse many years ago! And in your mind, you were STILL a nurse! You could tell me exactly the street names and bus route, and even the bus driver’s name, that you took every day when you had to go to work. You told me the doctor’s name who threw some medical tools at you when you told him he made a mistake.
But, that nasty Alzheimers got in the way sometimes, and you couldn’t always remember what day it was! I remember we had a very awesome heart-to-heart talk about Arden Courts one day, and I told you that you never had to leave us, you never had to go anywhere else, unless you were the one deciding to do so. You didn’t want to hurt my feelings, and thanked me over and over for all the caregiving I had been doing for you for three years. But you thought it over, and decided that getting your life back was something you had to force yourself to do, for your own good.
So we took you to Arden Courts, and showed you around. We talked to the director of the facility. We talked to aides who worked there. We asked a few residents if they liked it or not. They all said it was wonderful. We even had a recommendation from the director at Juniper Village (a nursing home right down the street from our old house that you often spent day visits at, and had physical therapy there too)! She said that she had once worked at Arden, and that even though she would miss you very much, Arden was the best place for you to be. She guaranteed you would enjoy living there, and she was absolutely right.
But what you DON’T know, Miss Flo-Flo, is that I cried for weeks after you left. I even panicked when the baby monitor we once had in our room wasn’t there anymore, and I couldn’t hear to make sure you were safe at night. I also called Arden Courts every day to check on you and I’m sure I drove them crazy for that first few months of your stay there! I wrote down every detail of every little thing that they should know about you, and it was in your file for all the employees to memorize. I was like a mother hen!
Once we got you settled in, we hung pictures on your walls, unpacked and put away some clothes, made your bed, and added some personal items on a shelf. Then you looked around and said, “This feels like home.” We were so happy that you had been the one to choose living there, and you said that you were determined to get busy living. I only hope that I have that much chutzpah when I’m 90!!
It was amazing. The staff reported that you woke up every morning and walked around the entire Arden Courts building, holding the hand rail on the wall, and took laps to keep yourself exercised. Your physical therapist at Juniper Village had kept repeating, “If you don’t use it, you’re going to lose it,” and you said, “I’ll use it as much as I can!” So you were determined to walk as much as possible, and you often ran circles around the people who worked there and who tried to find you for lunch time and dinner! You kept them guessing where you were, and you giggled if they couldn’t find you.
You laughed a lot, too, and told me stories about some of the women who sat with you at your dining room table. You were NOT gossiping, you said, just making me “aware” of their “issues.” I don’t really know why I should need to know those stories, but you insisted on filling me in on each one of them. “THAT one,” you’d say, as you pointed to one lady, “you really have to watch out for her, she’s nasty.” I chuckled and said, “She looks nice to me.” And you made a face and said, “She’s nice to your FACE, sure, but behind your back, just watch out.” I told you that I would be sure to avoid her.
One of the nicest employees at Arden Courts, Michelle, is in charge of activities there. She said one day you came running after her as she walked away, yelling at her for “ignoring” you. But as you raised your fists toward her, you suddenly tripped and fell. She leaned down and said, “Florence! What are you doing on the floor?!” And you said, “Ummm....I have no idea.” She then explained that she wasn’t “ignoring” you, but she was hard of hearing in one ear! You didn’t even remember why you were going after her. She said she helped you up and that’s when you laughed, and shook your head, and said, “I have no idea what I was doing.”
Whenever you received a card or flowers from Janice and Michael, you were thrilled and made sure everybody who worked at Arden Courts would come in and see them. You were very proud to have those flowers. You often walked out to the court yard where flowers were in bloom all spring and summer, just to smell them. You even helped plant some flowers when you first started living there!
I would come and decorate your room with holiday things, especially Christmas, and you loved having it look so festive. I decorated your room for Valentine’s Day, July 4th, Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and of course, your birthday. Your room, in fact, was one of the aides’ favorites to go into because “it was always so cheery, nice and neat, and smelled so good” all the time. (I had giving you a rose scented sachet).
And wow, did you ever settle in at Arden! It truly became your home. In fact, there is a big sign on the wall that says, “These residents do not live where you work. You work where they LIVE.” You said that always made you feel relieved to read it every day.
You even enjoyed helping with setting the tables in the dining room, too. You helped push wheelchairs out of the way of the aides, you made your bed in the mornings, always ate everything on your plate, and helped clear the tables afterwards.
Bingo was getting to be rather “boring” you said, so you didn’t play very often. But, you watched football a lot though---I mean, of COURSE you did, you live in Pittsburgh! You even shared the candy I brought you with friends of yours there. I made Halloween and Christmas bags of candy for everyone, and Easter baskets of candy too, and you told people that I was too creative for my own good!
Living with us had it’s fun moments too, like shopping with my mom and me, baking cookies with me, trying on funny hats in various craft stores, having lunch with us, and petting the kitties. Obie always came to you at 9:30 p.m., sharp, every night, to announce that it was time for bed! You enjoyed going with us to the theater for the symphony concerts, too, and saw Pete perform in several plays. You loved sitting out on the porch with my mom (Ruby), watching the birds. And you would sit on the porch alone, reading the newspaper from front to back, every day.
There were a lot of happy things that we shared, during these past five years together.
You’re someone I love very much, Florence. Even on those bipolar days when your “evil twin” showed up to cause me grief, I still told you I loved you, and I always will.
Rubbing your hands in the hot wax to keep them from aching, helping you get into and out of the shower, making breakfast, lunch and dinner for you, making sure you got your medications, making sure the kitty litter box was always clean, helping you make your bed in the mornings, doing your laundry, driving you to doctors’ appointments, buying matzoh crackers and molassas, (your favorite snack), brewing coffee every morning for you, and making sure you got your hair and nails done at the salon every week----- all of these things I did for you, for three years.
Oh sure, it was tough sometimes, I won’t lie, and we sometimes had our little spats, but overall, knowing you were comfortable, and knowing you would help me dust sometimes, or bake cookies, or help clean windows, etc., made up for any hardships we might have had. It also made you feel useful and kept you busy at the same time. That was a blessing for us both. You always wanted to “earn your keep,” you would say! And you definitely did. You also earned my respect, and my love, every day I knew you.
We have been very blessed by you, and with you. As you transcend from this life into heaven, we want you to know that your presence in our lives has forever changed us, and made us thankful, humble, and appreciative of every moment we shared with you.
We will love you always, my fine friend Flo-Flo. You will be missed after you’re gone, but I know you will finally be at a very peaceful happy place. And I also know you’ll keep an eye all of us. (Make sure you keep an extra eye on your silly son, as he likes to be a bit mischievous at times)! Rest assured that your kitties will be taken care of too.
God bless you for all the love you have shown to us, and to so many others during your lifetime. Thank you for being my friend, and my second mom too.
----Love, your daughter-in-law, Rebecca
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