Well, I have been Facebooking all these female fans of yours, reading their reactions to your Eels performances, but until today, I couldn't bring myself to actually watch the video or hear you sing. I just couldn't do it….until today. The thought of a tinny, crappy sound on my iPhone just made me shake my head and refuse to watch it. If I can't hear it on a better sound system, forget it. So, today, I hooked up my iPhone to the car radio…turned up the base…and cranked the volume.
And….WOW!!! All I kept thinking was, "Slightly awkward at first, but then suddenly, it was just like you had never left the stage. You were so "at home" there, surrounded by friends, fans, etc., and you STILL GOT IT. I mean, you REALLY TRULY still GOT IT. I am very VERY impressed! And you know, I hate to be like some broken record, but let me tell you this one more time….
I have been through a similar situation as you. I know how you've felt these past 10-15 years, because I've been hurt with the one thing I loved most in my life, too. And the pain of THAT kind of hurt is beyond any other kind I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. So I can totally identify with you. I mean, after 9/11, when the Museum I loved more than anything told me to choose between my family or my job, I felt like I had been punched in the gut with a brick. Just like you, I should not have HAD to choose anything. I should have been allowed to deal with the family emergency I had on 9/11 with my mom, and then return to work in a few days. I should have been able to do BOTH.
But, like you, I was given an ultimatum, and so I told them to kiss my ass. I wrote a 5 page resignation letter stating that I was FORCED to resign, that I didn't WANT to resign, and that I felt it was UNFAIR for them to force me to CHOOSE between family and my job during a national emergency. I explained that my mom was flying to Florida that day but we couldn't find her. None of the airports on her itinerary knew where her plane was. I drove to Michigan, 12 hours all alone, listening to NPR and planning a FUNERAL for my MOTHER---expecting the worst---(which thankfully did not happen), and I told the Museum that I would be looking into legal action against them for doing this to me.
Of course, I had no money for legal action. I was simply chewed up in Washington DC and spit out.
The pain of losing my life's purpose, and having it used against me, to deliberately hurt me, by people I thought were my friends and almost family……..well, I know how that feels.
At one point, after all this shit hit the fan, I had a tantrum…(which I NEVER do)….and I yelled and cried and threw ALL of my Holocaust books off the shelves onto the floor into a big pile. Then I looked for a lighter. I was going to BURN IT ALL, and scream to God and everybody in the universe how unfair it was that I was no longer DOING what my LIFE'S PURPOSE WAS, because of stupid assholes who treated me so horribly on a tragic day like 9/11.
But, before I could light that fire, I stood there, blinked, wiped the tears, looked at the books on the floor all strewn about, and thought…."the IRONY of burning these Holocaust books is just killing me." I couldn't do it. Plus, of course, I didn't want to burn the entire HOUSE down either. So instead, I boxed them all up, and put the boxes away in a closet. I have nearly 300 Holocaust books, in case you were wondering. I've studied that subject all my life, since the age of 10. I was personal friends for 15 years with Miep Gies, Mr. Frank's secretary who found Anne Frank's diary. This was my LIFE's PURPOSE and I knew it at a very young age. I pursued it, I succeeded at it, and I THRIVED as a person. I was at the Museum for 6 years, until 9/11 ended my life. I mean, at least, a HUGE PART of my life.
So I put it all away, on the back shelf, in a dusty closet, and decided to forget the whole goddamn thing. I refused to read or watch anything regarding the Holocaust. I swore to God above, I would never again show any interest in that subject, and questioned WHY THE HELL he chose ME to teach about it, when people AREN'T LISTENING anyway, and just want to blow up buildings and people for the hell of it? Why should I BOTHER doing anymore studying and research, when it doesn't MATTER to anybody else? Why waste my time? I had already wasted 6 years of my life on it. (not to mention the previous 20 years before I worked there). So, fuck it. I'm done. Stick a fork in me. I AM DONE.
….sound familiar? Kinda like what YOU did, right? "I'm not going to sing again, it's over and done, I'm angry and hurt, so FTW, they don't DESERVE ME anymore."
And then I became a hermit, a curmudgeon, irritable, road rage, hating people…wanting nothing to do with people AT ALL. I just kept to myself, didn't talk to anybody, didn't interact with people other than when I had to, and I just kept sliding into the abyss of depression. The PTSD was a bitch, mainly because I had no medical benefits anymore to deal with it. I took St. John's Wort in hopes that would help, but it really didn't. So I put up with it, all the nightmares, all the anger, all the depression, as best as I could. But, eventually, I became suicidal.
Then I found my dog. Suddenly I had a reason to stick around. I had to take care of her. I rescued her from a dog pound, and she rescued ME right back. That was in 2002. She's 12 now. And then I met Peter, my sorta boyfriend in DC for 2.5 years, in 2005. I had moved back to DC in hopes of getting my old job back…teetering on whether or not I SHOULD want that job back at all….one minute missing it so badly it ached, another minute, angry to the point of never wanting to step foot in that place again as long as I lived.
I sent in 25 applications over the course of the next 3 years, but I never even got ONE interview.
But, I decided, "Ok, fuck them, I can start doing MY OWN TOURS of groups in that place, and thee's NOTHING they can do about it. I can VOLUNTEER there, and do what I love, and they can SUCK IT." But, I didn't get the volunteer thing either. They were done with me. And that hurt all over again.
In 2008, I met Pete, and he was a whirlwind of "give it up and move in with me in Pittsburgh," which I finally did, and now we're married. He helped me immensely, and if he HADN'T come along, I would have self-destructed. He might not be the 'love of my life,' like Kelli was to you….but he's definitely close to that, and I love him. (I love him enough to let him have a girlfriend as a matter of fact).
So, here we are…..you and me….kinda in the same boat….going through similar shit…..and I GET IT. I know why you refused to sing, or do anything for a long time. I know why you decided not to let Neal's begging for your renewed friendship get to you. I know how tall those walls around your heart can get.
But, dear Sir, your walls fell away on that stage. You were singing your heart out, and loving it, and having a great time doing it. You are a natural talent, you BELONG on that stage, and I am so HAPPY that you finally 'got off your ass' to do it. Even if it's the last time you ever do it. At least you got up there, and sang, and had fun, and enjoyed it. You sang to Kelli with that song, and you poured so much emotion into it, I nearly cried. I FELT that emotion. I understood the depths of it.
So, I finally listened to you sing with the Eels. But I've only heard it once. I don't sit there and watch it over and over again, like those other Facebook female fans of yours do. I listened intently, watched your moves, your gestures, and I thought, "He's still got it."
And you do. Your life's purpose is there, for the taking, and it's YOURS ALONE. You no longer have to share it with anybody, you can do it anytime you want to, any WHERE you want to, and you are in CHARGE of it. You have no contracts anymore to deal with, you can be your own boss.
So……..even though I know it is very hard for you to do……like it was for me…..unpack those old sheets of music….(and I unpacked my Holocaust books and put them back on a book shelf)….dust off those pipes of yours…..(and I watch Holocaust documentaries still)….and GO FOR IT…..like I did, by keeping in touch with my friends that I worked with and still love, at the Museum. I can now go there anytime I want to, and with anyBODY I want to, and there's nothing they can do to hurt me anymore. I am in charge of my experience there from this day forward, and I won't allow anybody to take away my life's purpose anymore.
Maybe that's where you are right now too??
I hope so. Coming alive with love from Kelli is a miracle that you shouldn't squander….use it….she breathed new life into you, so go out there and do her proud by becoming that purpose again….becoming the man you once were on that stage…. I mean, LOOK AT YOU! (photo below)….She would have WANTED you to be happy, and by the looks of that video, my friend, you WERE happy up there. So, be happy and DO IT MORE OFTEN, on your own terms, in your own way.
I've noticed that Journey (Neal) posted on Facebook the other day, a meme that said "Haters, FUCK YOU" on it. Nice. So classy. And then he ranted on about how they are a TEAM, a BAND, and not just ONE PERSON…etc., so obviously he's been having a tough time with your new lease on life, because he's JEALOUS AS HELL.
But I say, fuck him. He is out of your life, he is no longer your friend, (even though emails have been sent, and phone calls)….he was never really your friend. So fuck him, and the other guys in Journey. You don't need them, and they---unwittingly---have carried on YOUR LEGACY FOR YOU, since you've been gone. The whole thing could have just folded, ended completely, but that magic is something you cannot deny, and the music stood on its own…still does…and always will. They kept it going, and are still keeping it going, without you. But it is YOUR LEGACY.
So, go out there, and have more fun. Surprise more audiences, with OTHER bands that you love, giving them the Steve Perry "bump." By doing THAT, you are exciting people way beyond what Journey can do anymore without you.
So do it. And do it a lot. Do it with passion, like you always do. But keep on doing it.
That's my advice, from my own experience, which is similar to what you went through. Hope you will take it to heart, and know that out here in Steve Perry land, there are people just like me, with similar hardship stories to tell, with pain of having the thing you love most used against you….we know how that feels. It may even surpass the pain you feel now, about losing Kelli.
But you're coming out of it, and you're doing what you know your heart wants you to do. THAT is a miracle too. I am proud of you for crawling up and out of that abyss within yourself, (where it seems just so easy to stay), and like me, you have wiped yourself off, and are back out there again, trying.
That's all anybody can do. You are only human.
I love you Stephen!!! Thank you for the wonderful surprise performances with the Eels.
Love, Rebecca
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