Sorry Steve...didja miss me?

Hiya Stephen,

Sorry I haven't written, I've been sick for a few days with a nasty sinus infection. When I was younger and worked at the Museum with 5,000 people in my face breathing on me every day, my immune system was awesome. I never got sick.  But now that I'm not surrounded by 5,000 people anymore, my immune system seems to have really gone down the tubes.  I guess having Type 2 Diabetes doesn't help matters much either, and I didn't have that back then.  But now, when I get sick, it knocks me right off my butt and it keeps me down longer than it ever used to.  I really hate getting old.

Seriously, I mean, who the heck planned the world and life in general like this? We enter the world naked and alone, we get our heads filled by adults of useless garbage and dysfunction, fears and hate, until we're old enough to figure out that we need to un-learn some of those things, but we're too damned busy to work on it because we're trying to earn money to stay alive in our 20's and 30's, then getting sidetracked by marriage and kids, putting all that stuff on the back burner, until we're too old and realize that we can't change the world or even ourselves anymore, and we're too tired to even care anymore and then of course, we can't work much like we used to, and then we're suddenly too old to really enjoy anything much about life because we've got friggin' AILMENTS going on all the time. Then we wrinkle, shrivel up, and die naked and alone. What a crock. I think we need to re-structure the entire system.  It just doesn't work.

We should be able to go out and LIVE and enjoy life when we're young and have energy. We just shouldn't be doing it this way, and frankly I feel like going on strike dammit.

Ah well, how do we go about changing all that, I wonder? Who do we contact first? Our congressmen and senators are too busy wasting taxpayers' money and making promises they never keep to be bothered with such a connundrum. The President? He's got a bit of a world full of problems right now, can't even start doing any of the changes he promised anybody until he cleans up the mess from the past 8 years....not to mention, trying to change the entire system of life is one thing the damned Republicans would (as always) find some reason NOT to agree with. I don't know if God really gives a crap about it either anymore.

So, I really don't know how the heck we can change anything about it.

Seems to me we would have to get a grassroots thing happening, like take all newborn baby's parents and give them a million bucks, as long as they don't fill the kid's heads with hate and prejudice, and give them as much FUN as they learn as much as possible until they are able to make adult decisions on their own...and then set them FREE to go and have adventures and travel, and do all those awesome fun things they SHOULD be enjoying in their 20's and 30's. After that point, they should work at a job they enjoy until they are 50, THEN get married, and THEN have a kid or two, and be allowed to retire with great memories of their youth while giving the new kids a great perspective on life.

I'm just rambling on about nothing significant, sorry, that is a hobby of mine though. Can't help it.

Pete is gone this weekend, visiting his daughter for parents' weekend at her college. She'll be graduating in December so this is her last parents weekend. He definitely wanted to be there for that.  I didn't really feel up to going, the trip is a 5 hour drive one-way, and he drives like a friggin' maniac.  Makes me a nervous wreck.  So I opted to stay home this weekend instead.

Next weekend is the Rally to Restore Sanity in Washington DC, and now I'm worried because Pete cancelled our bus tickets---he feels he will be able to find a parking spot, so he wants to drive----but I used to LIVE THERE and I KNOW it will be impossible to park anywhere. He won't listen to me though. So I expect to have a miserable time when he finally learns that maybe JUST MAYBE I'm right about something once in awhile. GRRR.  All this because he wants to go to an overnight Halloween party at the local dungeon club that I used to go to on weekends when I lived there. What a pain.

Yeah, I used to go hang out at a rather "sordid" place, doing rather "sordid" things, in my youth. I never realized in my 20's what exactly the whole world of BDSM was all about, but when I hit 30, I jumped in with both feet and immersed myself in it because suddenly I understood everything about it.  Mostly I learned about myself, and why I was the way I was, and I felt it was a leap of faith that I had to take, to be true to myself.  And, I have never looked back.  The truth is also, that once you leap into it, there IS no turning back.

I use the analogy that it's a decision to acknowledge the truth inside yourself, and embrace it, celebrate it, and realize the responsibility of it---much like someone who is gay.  I believe firmly that a person is born that way---being gay is NOT a "choice."  However, I think the misunderstanding is that, once a gay person realizes the truth within, the "choice" is to follow through, pursue it, learn about it, embrace it, celebrate it, and engage the responsibility of it....it's a lifestyle choice, an acknowledgment but NOT a "choice" to "become" gay.  I totally get it.  At least, that's how it was for me when I decided to pursue BDSM.

So, I realized that I am submissive. It made perfect sense, and all sorts of things fell into place from my memories, to various boyfriends I had, to reasons why I always helped other people but felt lost whenever I needed someone else to help me with something.  Once I realized it, my first reaction was to recoil in horror at this sudden "monster" who appeared out of nowhere and freaked me the hell out.  But, I did some research about it, I read books, I learned from others, I studied various web sites and bondage photos, etc, to see what I liked, and what I did NOT like.

I started to figure myself out a lot more, and at that point, I CHOSE the lifestyle of BDSM.  That is, I chose to attend dungeon parties. I chose to wear fetish clothing, feeling sexy, feeling liberated, alive, and electric. I chose to watch others do BDSM things, and learned from them.  I also played it safe, and wore a collar around my neck so that nobody thought of me as 'fresh meat.' That's one sure way of getting with the wrong kind of Dominant guy. I knew that because I had a friend in the scene who protected me, and taught me a lot about what to look for, and what to avoid when it came to people in the scene.

A question that I came up with eventually, actually helped me to 'weed out' the wannabe's and the players, the control-freak abusers, and the dangerous psycho Dom's...of which there are many in DC.  My question, whenever a new Dom contacted me online, was "Tell me your definition of subspace." If they didn't know what subspace was, or had no clue what it was LIKE to experience it, then I refused to communicate anymore with him.  It became easier and easier to know who was real, and who wasn't.

I've been in this whole thing for 12 years so far...but I've been submissive all my life.  It's difficult to explain it to someone who is vanilla---which means, not at all involved in BDSM in any way. They really think we're freaks, or just degenerates, or some kind of kinky weirdo.  But, those who understand, really see that it's really a higher level of consciousness, a natural high, a mental connection between two people that others can only wonder about.  It's quite amazing when you truly experience it, and its like no other lifestyle I've ever known before.  It truly does enlighten you, and teaches you so much more about people, than merely just being thought of as a "sexual alternative."

Well, I hope I haven't freaked you out, like I have many others before you.  All I know is, I feel safe and secure with a Dominant male, someone who will protect me, encourage me to grow as a person, and take me to limits I never knew I had. A real Dom knows how to nurture the submissive. It's NOT about beating someone INTO submission.  It's about letting the submissive blossom by mixing pain with pleasure, creating a totally different experience that becomes a craving, and keeps her serving the Dom. I guess some people think it's evil, but it's really not.  I'm not an evil person at all, never have been, never will be.  But, the things people don't understand are easier labeled as evil than to try and figure it out.

So, if you are interested, intrigued and want to know more, I'll be happy to try and explain from my own experience as best as I can.  If you're horrified, disgusted, and freaked out, I'll just quietly fade off on that subject and we'll talk about other stuff that doesn't horrify or disgust or freak you out.  Deal?

Suffice it to say, I know myself. Very well. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And I accept it all, I embrace it all, and I celebrate it all.  That's really what being true to yourself is all about.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca