Ehhhhh crapola...

Well I just perused the last few blog entries here and discovered the photos of the Meatloaf article in the newspaper didn't work, and I FORGOT all about putting some clips of Josh Groban on here for you...

Sheesh. Ya know, Mr. Stephen Ray Perry, it would be SO much easier if you'd just call me on the phone.

But alas, if I put my number on this blog, who KNOWS what kinds of weirdo-people would call me. (Probably nobody!!) But still, let's just assume for shits and giggles that I'd have some kind of crazy stalker or something, just to make me feel like I'm a real "somebody."

Ok, so tomorrow when Pete returns to work (he worked from home today, I can't get ANYTHING accomplished with him around), I will sit down and send you some Josh Groban clips and try to add that Meatloaf newspaper article if I still have it on my phone.  My stupid "SIM" card isn't working right, I have to go to the friggin' AT&T store tomorrow to cry about it and make them fix it....what a pain in the butt.

Lately, my whole entire life has been nothing but a royal pain in the butt.

Pete thinks I need to go to some kind of "caregiver therapy" sessions, to deal with Florence. Lately I just haven't had much patience with her, she's annoying me a lot, and though I try real hard NOT to show it, somehow my "attitude" still shines through...(yeah, unbelievable, huh?!)...ahem...shaddap you....but, I told him I don't have TIME to do that kind of thing, and I really don't CARE to sit and rehash a bunch of crap to total strangers, when everything with his mother is a total CRAP SHOOT, it changes by the minute, you never know how to roll with it, because it could totally backfire one minute, and work just fine the next. So, you can't really write down any concrete "rules" to deal with her, because there ARE none that stick. You just cannot be consistent with somebody who is bipolar AND has dementia.

She had visitors yesterday from her old Jersey shore home, and they stayed for several hours just chatting and catching up with life, and then they left.  She was flying high all day yesterday, so I knew with her bipolar, she'd be crashing hard today...and she did.  She also has this knack for sabotage, whenever Pete and I tell her we're going out for a little while.  So, we tell her we're going out for awhile, to find some chlorine for our pool, and the next thing you know, she's having an episode of "Poor Me."

So, Pete tried to deal with her today, but she made life difficult, and I just ran upstairs to avoid the whole episode...she feels so "worthless," she wants to "go home," and she is "bored," and needs something to DO, (I give her little jobs, but she either doesn't finish them, claims she can't do them, (even though I know she can), or just decides that she's not doing it PERFECTLY enough, and gives up).  So it just creates MORE WORK FOR ME, which then FRUSTRATES ME because hey, I have this deadline zooming up on me for this stupid party this weekend, so I'm a bit STRESSED OUT right now. He says I need more patience, and I say, "Fine for you to spend one damned day with her, and try to give me advice, but go ahead and spend 7 days a week, non-stop with her, and THEN talk to me about patience." The man just doesn't get me at all.  He really truly doesn't.  I knew that before I married him.

When her daughter and her husband show up in 2 weeks, and they hear her say she wants to "go home," I think all hell will break loose, because they gave us a hard time when we bought this house.  It was supposed to be for her mental health, to help her feel ownership of something, to feel permanence, etc., but it's just not working out that way.  She's still acting like this is a summer camp or something, and keeps asking how she got here, and when she would be returning back home, etc., which drives me friggin' NUTS because this is a conversation we have EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It's like a broken record with her and frankly I get sick and tired of hearing it.  Sorry, I'm just NOT a caregiver type of person, I hate hospitals, I loathe doctors, I don't like dentists, hell I don't even like going to the friggin' pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions.  This just is not ME, it never has been, it never WILL BE.  And for some insane reason, Pete keeps expecting me to be something I am not.

All I know is, I am ready to pack a bag and run away.

Taking care of a 90 year old woman with bipolar and Alzheimers is no picnic.  In fact, it sucks...not only does it suck, but it actually sucks huge donkey dick, sideways.  I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy, that's how bad it sucks.  I'm too YOUNG for this damned life of caregiver, I should be out having FUN, and doing FUN things that I ENJOY doing, while I can still DO them.  Not being some kind of hostage housewife caregiver with no social life, rare sex life, and boring, lonely days with two very needy mom's who drive me batshit crazy.

So, I feel like a total failure right now, I just can't do this shit.....I think it's time to hire a live-in nurse or something, God knows she can afford it, so why the hell am I doing all this, busting my ass, and getting nothing but lectures on patience, and being shoved like a round peg into a square hole to be something I am not??  I don't think this situation is working out very well.  And that is the understatement of the year.

What would YOU do in this situation, Stephen? Seriously, I would like to know.  I mean, I know your mom passed away (luckily without going through all this dementia and stuff), but if she were still around and had these issues going on, where she forgets everything from 2 minutes ago, has the same conversation over and over and over and over, plays the "poor me" game all the time to get sympathy, and expects to be waited on hand and foot, constantly needing attention....wouldn't that drive YOU nuts?

You loved your mom, sure, and I love Florence too......but think about helping her change her Depends diapers several times a day, then emptying the smelly urine garbage can of dirty ones every day, noticing the POOP on the rug in the bathroom because she is constipated and DIGS IT OUT...(yes, old people DO THAT, and it's disgusting).....and cleaning her kitty litter box every day, going to the grocery store to buy her more diapers, kitty food and kitty litter, and toiletries....making her bed, vacuuming her carpets, giving her a shower, washing her hair, taking her to doctor's appointments, taking her to salon appointments, hearing aid appointments, eye exam appointments, etc., all the time... think about making her breakfast every morning, lunch and dinner, making sure she gets a snack during the day, waking her up from naps, watching THE WALTONS with her on t.v. every afternoon, helping her get dressed and undressed, doing all of her laundry, (wash, dry, fold AND put away or hang up), and you're doing this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

Is it any wonder, why caregivers go insane??  Try doing all that PLUS preparing for a party, keeping a house clean, grocery shopping, doing everybody else's laundry, catering to MY MOM who is also quite needy sometimes, AND dealing with a man who takes me for granted already, after one year of marriage.  THEN ask me why I haven't already jumped off the nearest bridge.

I have no ME anymore.  I have no LIFE anymore.  I feel dead inside.  I feel like a failure at trying to be something Pete expects me to be, which I can't, I feel like I let Florence down a lot because I simply don't have it IN ME to be patient all the time, and bite my tongue and pretend everything's great...I just can't pretend stuff...I'd be a really shitty actor...I feel like my mom is being slighted all the time, she's the last one on the list of priorities around here, which bugs me, but she's also got a lazy streak sometimes and makes ME drive her everywhere, when she's perfectly capable of driving herself.

.....the bottom line, I guess, is that I just miss ME, and who I used to be.  I don't like this current person I'm trying to be AT ALL.  It's just not ME.  I wish sometimes that Pete could actually know the real ME. But he needs a caregiver for his mom, he needs a nursemaid, he needs a house maid, he needs to focus on his job, and so therefore, I have to become this miracle person to save the whole world, when all I want to do is be ME, and be LOVED for being ME.  Being UNDERSTOOD would be nice, too.

Yesterday when I drove to the parking lot where he left the minivan to be in the Batman movie, I got there and sat and waited for an hour for him to get done.....our friend Lisa was supposed to go with him to the concert, but she backed out, but we had no way to contact him (the extra's were told to leave all cell phones in their cars), so I figured I'd better just go there and if he was too tired, we could just skip the concert and go home.  I sat there playing games on the phone, listening to music in the car, taking photos of a nearby church, etc., just to pass the time.  I had even packed him a sandwich, some potato salad, and a piece of cherry pie *(sugar free)* for dinner because I knew he would be hungry.

When he got off the shuttle bus, and walked to the minivan, he saw me, said, "Hi, did you bring me a SHIRT?" I just blinked.  A shirt?  The ONE THING I DID NOT BRING, and he focuses on THAT without so much of a "thanks for the food dear," or "wow you are sweet?"  He did say he loved me, but then he yells, "follow me to the concert..." gets into the van before I can say anything, and off he went.  I don't know my way around Pittsburgh downtown very well at all, so I had NO CLUE how to get to Stage AE from there, and he just TOOK OFF.  I was sitting in the parking lot, trying to get out with about 100 other people, while he just LEFT ME there, and I was instantly pissed off.  I sat and waited an HOUR for his stupid ass, but he couldn't wait TWO MINUTES for me to follow him???  I decided then and there, I was going home.  Screw it.  But he called me, asked where I was, and I yelled at him for about 15 minutes, telling him I'm going home, he can go to the concert without me, etc., and he said he would help me get there, if I just turned around and came back.  Eventually, I did, but I was HIGHLY UPSET, and still feel rather slighted today.  What a colossal jerk.  Did I bring him a SHIRT indeed.

Ah well, sorry, I just get overloaded sometimes and feel frustrated.  It helps me to vent about it sometimes, so thanks for listening.  This thing called marriage ain't what I thought it would be.  I thnk it's time for me to go to bed...I am so exhausted...emotionally as well as physically.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca