Mayhem Music for you...

Hi Stephen,

I know it's been a couple days since I've written, but life around here has been super busy lately.

Here's a clip from Megadeth. The only reason I'm showing it to you is so that you can see the damned fat-bitch HAG on the far right who was drunk and kept lighting up every five minutes.  She bugged the hell out of me.  Her shirt says, "That's right bitch, you heard me," (a Rob Zombie shirt).  Nice, huh?? You can see the huge beer can she's holding onto, and there was another one under her chair.  Lush.

Yesterday on Twitter, I wrote to David Draiman, (lead singer of Disturbed...I get his tweets all the time), and said, "Did you perform the song "Never Again" at Mayhem in Pittsburgh? We had to leave early because the crowd around us was very annoying."  (I love that song, it's about the Holocaust).  He's a sexy badass Jewish boy, that David.  Gotta love his bald ass.  I wish my phone hadn't crapped out on me, I would have taken some video of Disturbed too.  sigh.

Anyway, and here's a clip from Godsmack for you too....they really are great....I just wish people wouldn't keep walking in front of me back and forth the whole friggin' time.  Very annoying. SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP AND LET ME ENJOY THE MUSIC YOU BASTARDS.  Nobody seemed to be paying any attention to the performance, and I just don't understand that.  Why pay a shitload of money for tickets to a concert if you're going to just act like you're listening to it on the radio??  Makes no sense to me at all.  Pittsburgh is just a bunch of idiot redneck losers.

And tonight, we are taking both of our mom's to see Josh Groban.  My mom has never heard of him, but Florence LOVES his voice...(and so do I).  That kid is awesome.  Have you ever gone to see him perform?  He's incredible.  Every time I hear him sing "O Holy Night," I end up in tears.  Very moving.

Well, Florence is beginning to wander now, one of the last stages of Alzheimers.  Next comes the "I don't recognize anybody" stage, where she won't even know who I am, or anyone else for that matter. It's very sad and difficult to watch the progression of this disease.  It is also very frustrating.  I had to put up signs on the all the doors that say "Florence, do NOT go out this door alone, come get Becky first."

But, this morning I heard her shuffling around downstairs, and I peeked to see what she was doing, and sure enough, she was walking IN from being outside, with all the lights on in the whole house, with her sneakers on, walking back to her bedroom.  I checked the door, and sure enough, she had unlocked it.  We're going to have to do something to make that door impossible for her to get out of.  The other two doors have changed locks and deadbolts that lock from both sides.  It's really very scary to know she could be wandering outdoors by herself, and one morning we'll find her laying in the grass instead of in her bed.

When Pete asked her this morning if she had gone outside by herself, when she knows she isn't supposed to, she answered, "Oh no, I wasn't by myself, I was with a group of people."  I mean, how the hell do you answer something like that???  You know she's deranged, and imagines stuff, but what can anyone really DO with that??  I've never had a kid before, but this is way worse if you ask me.  This is a kid who isn't mentally stable, who doesn't remember anything about this very moment only 5 minutes from now, and you can't really "ground" her to her room, or from video games, or watching t.v., ya know??  What the hell do you DO with somebody like this??  I'm at a total loss.  I just throw my hands up in the air and walk away.  I don't know how else to deal with it, other than just NOT deal with it.

It's a blessing when she goes back to bed, and sleeps most of the day.  I feel guilty saying such a thing, but it's the truth.  It makes MY life much easier.  She eats like a bird---I give her a bagel, she'll only eat half of it.  I put the rest in the fridge, and nobody ever finishes eating it.  If I give it to her AGAIN, she'll skip eating it completely and it remains on her plate.  Drives me bonkers how much food she wastes.  I make a sandwich, cut it in half, and she eats only half.  My mom suggested cutting it into 4 pieces, but I told her "she'll still only eat TWO, so what's the point."  Very annoying.  I mean, here I am, a submissive chick who needs a LOT of reassurance about EVERYTHING, and my cooking is only HALF eaten, making me feel like I'm a bad cook or something, ya know?  And logically, I know it's not MY issue, it has nothing to DO with me, but at the same time, I feel slightly offended that she is rejecting my food.

So I have this myriad of emotion going on inside of me all day, and it exhausts me to the bone.  By the end of the day, like yesterday, I was ready to slit both my wrists.  I even picked up a knife and held it there for a few minutes.  It's just very hard, dealing with someone like that, when you feel so helpless.  And I can't get anything DONE around here, because she's always flying around me like a gnat, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom..." like a little kid in a department store, trying to get his mother's attention.  She wants MY attention constantly.  If I'm busy doing something, like hanging curtains for instance, she's interrupting me 50 times every time I get up on the ladder, so I have to stop what I'm doing, climb down, and go to her to see what she needs.  "I need a tissue, my nose is running." I point to the tissue box right next to her on the table. GRRRRRR.  Stuff like that just drives me friggin' insane.

It took me 4 hours to hang one curtain.  The whole fucking day just gets obliterated and nothing is done. And this stupid fucking party is only a week away. The pressure of it is just getting to be too much for me.  I told Pete, "DO NOT SCHEDULE ANOTHER GODDAMNED THING FROM NOW ON THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS, I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE."  He's always scheduling too much SHIT to do, and it's bogging me down to the point of being NUMB inside, where I don't want to go or do anything AT ALL.

Like this coming weekend, he schedules us to have this huge yard sale----which means, I am the one that has to get everything ready for it, lugging long folding tables from the barn to the front of the house, going through all the stuff and rearranging it into groups for various tables, pricing everything, etc...---and on Sunday his friend Lisa is coming over to help us paint our huge master bedroom------something I was NOT going to do AT ALL before this party----and THAT NIGHT he's got us going to ANOTHER concert!!!  WHAT THE FUCK?!!  I just cannot keep up with this shit.  I don't WANT to do all those things in one friggin' weekend.  But I guess it doesn't matter what I want.

I said to him, "A weekend is supposed to be FUN and RELAXING, but this one is NOT going to be, nor will the next one with this party, nor will the NEXT one with your stupid sister and brother-in-law coming to visit.  So the whole month of August SUCKS, and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and running around like a chicken with my fucking head cut off all the goddamned time."

I don't think he hears me.  If he does, then he ignores me.  Either way, I feel like I'm talking to the wind.

He took me out last night for our "date night," but they are not even fun for me anymore.  Ya know why? Because he's got this very rigid and strict schedule, "The play starts in an hour and 20 minutes, so you go into the restaurant and get us a table, and I'll go park the car 50 miles away."  Takes him a half hour to walk back to the restaurant, which only gives us an hour to order, eat, and pay.  I feel rushed all the goddamned time, and I HATE being rushed.  My digestive system is paying the price for it too.

"Let's order dessert, we might as well, we've got to use up the $40 GROUPON that we've got for this place."  So we have to devour this dessert in less than 5 minutes so that we can walk 2 blocks to the theater, (We saw Jesus Christ Superstar again--I think it's one of his favorites), and afterwards, we have to walk the 50 miles back to the car.  And he wonders why the hell I am exhausted all the time.

Oh yeah, and he only takes me out on date night if he has a groupon.  That's it.  Makes me feel like a cheap date, ya know?  And it's never a place that I am interested in going to, it's a place HE likes.  I do NOT enjoy loud crowded places.  He seems oblivious to that, even though I have repeatedly told him that on several occasions.  Now, I do enjoy going to the casino, which is loud and crowded---but NOT VERY OFTEN.  If he were to say, "Let's go there and have the buffet dinner and take our time," I would enjoy that very much...we wouldn't have to stay long, either, in the noisy crowded part.

But no, we typically go to new places he's never been to, or places that are his favorites, even if I'm not too keen on the food.  Last night he encouraged me to order the crab cakes--and I love crab cakes---but I had already decided on a turkey club wrap, and side salad.  I had Burger King for lunch (I LOVES ME THAT BIG FISH SAMMICH), so I wanted something light, and crab cakes are anything BUT light.

So, is it any wonder that I just want to be left alone, and stay HOME, and do NOTHING????????

Can you really BLAME ME for that???

I guess I'm just not your normal type of woman.  Frankly, I'm fine with that.  It's the MEN in my life who seem to have difficulty dealing with it. "But you LOVE going out," he'll say, and my reply is, "Not when I'm an emotional WRECK from your mother driving me bat-shit crazy all day, exhausting me." He'll chuckle and say, "Oh come on, it'll do you good to get away for awhile."  And all I want to do at that very moment is crawl into my bed and go to sleep.  But, he drags me out and I feel numb the whole time.  He drives like a maniac, which makes me a nervous wreck the whole time we're out too.  I just know one of these nights he's going to get us both killed in a car wreck.

Sometimes I really think he forgets that I am one of those Highly Sensitive People.  I just cannot handle all this, constantly, every day of my life.  I will have a fucking breakdown.  Doesn't he GET that???  I guess maybe if I do slit my wrists, or collapse into an emotional wreckage, maybe then he'll hear me.

Anyway, I'm just a bundle of emotion right now.  Maybe its PMS, I don't know.  I just know that I have to get off this computer, go downstairs, make breakfast for Florence, watch her eat half of it, then go lay back down (which gives me relief for a couple hours), and get busy doing stuff around this house.  I told Pete last night, "Whatever doesn't get done around here, whatever YOU DO NOT GET DONE around here in the next 10 days, WILL NOT GET DONE BY ME.  I don't give a shit.  I cannot accomplish anything during the day because of your mother, and I will NOT bust my ass every NIGHT either."  I have been asking him for WEEKS now to put up the towel bar and toilet paper holder in our bathroom, but he hasn't bothered.  So, if those things are still sitting on the floor when this party takes place, so be it.  I really don't care at this point.

Yadda yadda yadda, bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan.  I know I'm fortunate, I know I have lots of blessings to count, I know I shouldn't be sitting here venting on a famous singer dude that I love very much, but honestly I don't have anybody else to talk to about any of this.  I know you don't CARE either, and I know you really don't sit here reading this blog at all either.  But, it gives me some kind of illusionary comfort, imagining that you might.

Well, tonight is the Josh Groban concert.  We're in the nosebleed section of the Consol Energy Center, we'll need a wheelchair for Florence, and binoculars for both mom's to see him.  Thrilling and fun, eh?? Never a dull moment around here.

........I need to go cry awhile.

Love, Rebecca