Listen, I want to apologize for my venting about my crazy life. Not many people like other people who vent all the time, and I realize that. I am blaming it on my overdose of the stress hormone cortisol. I believe (though undiagnosed by a medical professional), that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and when I get overloaded with the stress hormone, I shut down, I get depressed, and I am numb inside. I don't know if that's a reaction many other people have or not, but I think that's mine.
When I am able to have some really wild, hot nooky....(I miss those days like you wouldn't believe, because they were much more plentiful when I was single)....ahem....when I'm able to really just let loose and gush all the toxins out of my body for a few hours, well, it leaves me feeling less stressed out, and more relaxed and calm....that's what Pete did for me this morning. It helped. But I fear that it won't help every time I have a meltdown, and hell, we all know the meltdowns will come more often as time goes on. So, he says to me, "We'll get you a boyfriend." (Note: Pete likes the idea of polyamory). I smacked him on the arm and said, "Are you not listening to me?!! For Christ's sake, even if we DID, HE'LL HAVE AN OLD LADY MOTHER TOO!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!"
Now I am reading a book entitled The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers, Looking After Yourself and Your Family While Helping an Aging Parent, by Barry J. Jacobs, PsyD. We've had the book for months, but I haven't been able to get around to reading it yet. I think I'll put away my other books for now and read this one as soon as I possibly can.
Here's the thing: not only am I feeling burned out with all this caregiving stuff, but I also feel very isolated. I don't have any friends in Pittsburgh that I can really depend on for anything, not even a shoulder to cry on. Now, I am pretty much an anti-social being most of the time, so it doesn't usually bother me. And I simply will NOT participate in a "poor me" therapy group with other caregivers, just to compare how bad off we feel and see who wins the contest. That's just not my thing. But, here's the realization that keeps gnawing at me the most, making me feel the most doom and gloom and helplessness.......(there are many, but this one is the top killer)....
Not only will I be caring for Pete's mom until she dies, (it has already been nearly 3 years that I've been doing this, who knows how long she'll live)? But then, just as I am trying to get over the loss of Florence, MY MOM is next....she just turned 63....but she's been a smoker most of her life, and even though she just quit recently, I still worry that cancer might rear its ugly head at some point. She already has COPD, and uses a C-Pap machine at night. So, I'll have to do this all over again, with HER.
And then, Pete is now 53 years old...he's got a hip replacement, he's Type 2 Diabetic, and he's overweight. His feet are already giving him problems more and more often, and the thought comes to me that after my MOM dies, and I'm completely emotionally drained, HE WILL BE NEXT. And I'll have to take care of HIM, while he declines and dies.
Then....and this is the worst part of the whole thing....then it's MY TURN....(of course, I might kick off first, who the hell knows), but if it goes in this order, chronologically by age, then there won't be ANYBODY LEFT IN MY FAMILY TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I don't have kids. Pete has kids, but let's be real here, they aren't MY kids, and after he's dead and gone, do you REALLY think they will keep in touch with me, much less wipe my ass when I'm old?? I hardly think so. I am not counting on it.
So....I feel like I've been sucked into a doomed vortex of caregiving that will continue on and on for YEARS, until I'm too old to give a damn about my own health and well being, until I'm drained of all compassion and caring, and emotionally as well as physically unable to handle anymore stress.
All I did was get married. And somehow, I've landed in this hell of doom, caregiving for old people, with no medical training, no INTEREST in being a nursemaid, and absolutely NO capacity for even HOPING to show interest in this subject EVER.
So, this is where I sit right now.
I am 43 years old, I want to go out and HAVE SOME FUN GODDAMMIT. I am too YOUNG for this old people bullshit. And then, as I write this, I start feeling angry about it...which then makes me feel GUILTY about feeling angry, and then I feel angry all over again for being MADE to feel guilty. It's an unending circle of emotion.
And the whole thing about Peter.....well.....I could talk your ear off about him....God I loved that man. Part of me still loves the man I THOUGHT he was, before he killed me. So, imagine this, if you will, you go to the door when the doorbell rings, and there in front of you stands Sherri Swafford, a person you haven't been able to forget, but someone you never expected to show up like that again....and she asks for forgiveness, and tells you she's destitute and has nowhere to go, and is at the end of her rope. What do you do???? Would you slam the door in her face, disgusted and angry? Or would you melt into a puddle of emotion, and invite her in??
Dealing with THAT hypothetical scenario is only a SMIDGEN of how it feels to be a caregiver. You're torn between how to feel, upset all the time because you have terrible thoughts of, "JEEZUS WHEN WILL THIS WOMAN FINALLY JUST DIE...and give me peace?" And then you feel immediately horrible for thinking such a thing, and want to go hug her and keep her alive forever and ever, because you love her so much.
I guess if Peter ever really DID show up at my doorstep, I'd melt into a puddle, cry my eyes out, then invite him in, sit him down, slap him in the face a few times, scream at him, pull his hair, bite him and draw blood, and then I'd go get him a band aid and some Bactine. Then I would start talking to him calmly, finally asking the myriad of unanswered questions I've been carrying around all this time in my heart. The big one: WHY?? Why did he treat me so shitty after I moved away, after promising me he would stay in touch and help me through the transition, and maintain a friendship no matter what??
So, all of these thoughts are in my head tonight, but I am thinking them in a more calm way tonight.
I'd better go, it's late and I'm tired. I just wanted you to know that I'm okay, I'm not a basketcase (YET), but I am having a difficult time. Everybody on this planet has their own set of difficult things to deal with, everybody has problems, stress, upset, etc., I'm not special. And, I am also reminded and humbled by all the Holocaust Survivor friends that I know and love, when they taught me that, "no matter HOW horrible your life seems to be, it can ALWAYS be worse."
I am trying to count my blessings, and I'll read this book, and hopefully come out of it with a better understanding of the whole caregiving process. Pete says, "you're not alone, you know." But, when he's not here, he's off having a career and rehearsals for plays, I'm alone in this house, with 2 older women to take care of all day, every day. I FEEL ALONE.
You, Stephen, help me feel less alone, because I can sit here and talk to you about anything in my head, and I know you'll never, ever really sit down and read any of it. You're a safe bet, my friend.
I hope you never have to be in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Bye for now.
Love, Rebecca PS. I am a proactive person. The book I'm reading, that I mentioned above, has mentioned the National Family Caregivers Association. I looked at their web site, and found this article from the AARP......maybe it will give you a new perspective on what I'm dealing with....(though it doesn't really help me much, because I do not work outside of the home anymore)....
AARP Finds Toll On Family Caregivers Is 'Huge'
A new study by the AARP estimates that for the more than 40 million Americans caring for an elderly or disabled loved one, the value of their work is $450 billion a year. That's a good deal for society. But for the family members doing the work, the study finds they need a lot more help. Take Cymando Henley, 36, whose mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when he was starting college. She now must use a wheelchair, and Henley has been taking care of her for nearly two decades. Henley does have help. Montgomery County, Maryland, where they live, and the MS Society pay for a combined 35 hours of home health aides each week, though that's threatened by budget cuts. But every day, Henley must help his mom in and out of bed and onto the toilet. He even rolls her over in the middle of the night if she becomes uncomfortable. Care like this from a professional can cost tens of thousands of dollars a year. But Henley does it for free, and it's on top of his full-time job. The AARP study finds that family members spend an average 20 hours a week providing care. Henley refuses to count, but his mom, Vicki, keeps tab. "Cymando's care for me was about 40 hours a week," she says. 'The Burden On Families Is Huge' Modern medicine now allows people to manage chronic conditions for decades. But the AARP study finds that increasingly complicated procedures are routinely expected of family caregivers. Henley recalls a time when his mom was being discharged from the hospital. She had a catheter in, and the nurse said someone would call him and tell him how to take it out over the phone. "And I said, 'Oh, no you will not.' 'Cause I'm like, really? This is my mother," he says. Lynn Feinberg, who co-authored the AARP study, says modern family caregiving is incredibly stressful. "The burden on families is huge," Feinberg says. "While families are stepping up to the plate and make this contribution to society, the cost to their own health and financial security is huge." The study finds that those who cut back work lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in income over a lifetime. Feinberg says caregivers are also more prone to depression, physical ailments and social isolation. "They will burn out, they will get sick, and there will be no other option but to place someone in a nursing home, which is what nobody wants," Feinberg says. New Solutions And if the burden for caregivers seems big now, according to Suzanne Mintz of the National Family Caregivers Association, it's only going to get worse as the baby-boom generation enters old age. "Boomers have fewer kids than their parents did, and they're working, and they don't necessarily live around the corner anymore," Mintz says. On top of this, there's a shortage of paid home health aides. Last week, the Obama administration joined labor groups calling for the creation of 2 million more jobs in home health care, plus a new visa for immigrants willing to enter the field. Mintz has grappled with the problem in caring for her husband, who has multiple sclerosis. Earlier this year, she had trouble finding someone to change his catheter twice a week while she was at work. So she says she resorted to something a little crazy. "With Steven's permission, I actually put a note on the neighborhood Listserv," she says. Mintz says we need to expand our definition of "family." Next year, she plans to launch a recruitment drive to match those in need with volunteers. "It might be, 'I can drive her to PT for the next five Thursdays,' or 'I can bring meals for the next six months,' " Mintz says. In other words, create a community of caregivers - an old idea for a new age. Tips For Caregivers The typical caregiver already has a full-time job, and helping an elderly or disabled loved one can feel like a second. In an effort to help caregivers find a balance, the AARP and the National Family Caregivers Association provide a lot of tips and resources, and the MetLife Mature Market Institute offers a list of financial considerations. Here are just a few tips: 1. Think twice about leaving your job, cautions the MetLife Mature Market Institute. Though it's tough to juggle a job and caregiving, those who cut back work can jeopardize their own retirement. 2. Look for an employer with family friendly policies, suggests AARP, such as flextime, telecommuting or backup in-home care in an emergency. 3. Reward yourself with respite breaks often, advises the National Family Caregivers Association. |
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