A new snazzy look...

Hiya Stevie baby,

Are you tired of looking at the same old blog every day?!  Well, good, because I decided to make a few changes to the look of this blog...some fall colors...a few little things like different colors for links, and blog titles....just playing around with something different to look at.  I think it turned out pretty nice...even changed where all the photos are located, instead of on the right, I put them on the left.  Gotta break up the monotony! Gotta keep readers interested!  (If I even HAVE any).

This is an odd time for me to be writing, but it's a time when I have solitude, so I'm going for it.  My 2 mom's aren't awake yet, they sleep in rather late unless I go wake them up.  So, I'm letting them sleep today.  I'm going to take off in a bit, just to get out of the house for awhile, but I thought I should sit down and jot a few tidbits down for ya before I do.

Well, I have been thinking about this whole "survivor's guilt" thing lately, as you well know, and I've come up with a sort of "acceptance" about it.....I mean, both Pete and I have spent most of our lives struggling financially.  Is it such a bad thing to enjoy the new financial prosperity that he has attained through hard work and determination?  I mean, as long as we SHARE some of it with our friends and family who need it, give them a boost from time to time when they have problems, etc., it's not a TERRIBLE thing, is it?

I know we're considered one of those "rich people" demographics that Obama now says has to pay more taxes.....and ya know, being a poor Democratic Liberal most of my life, I am in total agreement about that---if these "rich" people "love" our country so much, then they can SACRIFICE a few more pennies to make it BETTER, and STFU.  They didn't GET rich by themselves!!  They had to use the highways that WE paid for, they had to use the EDUCATION system that we all paid for, they had to use the facilities that we all paid for----so, ya know, they can just deal with it.  And that goes for Pete too.  And you too, Mr. Filthy-Rich-Perry.  You didn't get rich without riding in a bus all across the country, on the highways we all paid taxes for....right??  You can hand over a few more pennies too, dammit.  This country is in the shit-hole, and it's up to US to get it back on track, whether we like it or not.

So....I am now in a totally different tax bracket...if I were to go get a job, ANY job, whether it's part time or full, let's say at $20 an hour, by the time they take out the taxes on my salary, I would be making less than $5 bucks an hour.  Sooooo it hardly seems worth it.  This is how Pete explained it to me, at least.  Knowing this has led to some soul-searching about how to "reinvent" myself.  I'm so used to working so much, 2 jobs all the time, 12-15 hour days every day, that to have NOTHING to do is rather awkward for me, and boring too.  I mean, sure, I take care of the house, and the 2 mom's, the 2 dogs & 2 cats.... but being a "housewife" type of person is something I've never been before.  It's not exactly thrilling.

You had to reinvent yourself too, after leaving Journey. You had to reacquaint yourself with the man behind the persona, the guy who's NOT on stage, performing all the time, projecting an "image." You are simply YOU, the imperfect guy with a big nose and long(ish) hair...the sexy beast that we all know and love, with an inner soul of quiet observer, introspective, super private, and super sensitive.  All the things you were NOT able to be, or show others on a daily basis when you were out there in Journey.  You've had to figure out how to "live a normal life," (whatever the hell THAT is), and do things that you never had time to do before.  It SOUNDS easy, even exciting, but we both know it's not.

It's terrifying.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am slowly coming around to the acceptance of the fact that I am no longer "Rebecca who works at the USHMM in DC."  That life is long gone in my past.  I love it still, I miss it all the time, and I still keep in touch with my DC friends there...but, that is no longer who I am.  I mourned that person for a long time.  I still do.  But, it's time to reinvent and become someone new. This is not an easy thing to do, though.  I'm sure you know that better than anybody.

I look in the mirror and wonder who this girl is, staring back at me, and who she used to be.  I see no makeup on her face most days, I see her with hair in a pony tail and head band, all flattened down around her face and out of her eyes, with a t-shirt and shorts on....and I wonder, "what happened to the girl who wore skirts, high heels, make-up, fancy fingernails, etc.?"  I dress up occasionally, sure, but not like I used to every day when I was a professional working in the nation's capital.   Now I'm a frumpy housewife type of person, who doesn't really care what she looks like, she's not here to impress anybody,  and doesn't have any friends in PA so it doesn't matter much what I do or where I go...if it's not with my 2 mom's, or out with Pete, then I'm alone everywhere I go.

The disgusting and progress-hindering office politics are long gone, the office gossip about coworkers is long gone, the eating lunch in a cafeteria or nearby deli are long gone...the having my own desk, cubicle, and phone are long gone.  The paychecks are gone.  (Yeah, but much to Neal's dismay, YOU still get them, you smart savvy businessman you).  Everything I once knew, as a "normal" life of mine, is gone. I have been in Pittsburgh for 4 years, and I'm still getting used to the changes that have happened to me.

But, here we are, you and me, living some kind of parallel existence, clear across the country from each other.  Breathing the same air, sure, treading the same ground, yep....but, so totally different, at the same time.  You're more sophisticated, you have a much better outlook on the world from all the travel you've done, you are intelligent beyond intelligent when it comes to making music....you have a whole world all your own, of your own choosing and making, that you sacrificed and worked hard for all your life.  This world of mine, NOW, is one that is all new to me.  I didn't sacrifice anything really, other than my being single, and having to work for a living.  I didn't work "hard" to get a man who is financially prosperous, hell, I wasn't even LOOKING for one.  It just sort of happened to me, and I'm still reeling from it.

So, there are similarities and there are differences between how you got to this point, and how I did too. It is intriguing to me to think of these things, and try to figure out where to go from here.

I guess I'd better go wake up the mom's, and get the heck out of here for some solitude and sanity.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca