My apology to Peter....the saga continues....the beginning.

Hi Stephen,

Today has been a bad day for Florence, which in turn, makes ME have a bad day...I'm just too damned empathic.  So I've had a killer headache most of the day, and all I have been trying to do is lay down for a little while, but noooooo, it doesn't matter to anybody else in this house if I lay down or not, they NEED me. They all NEED me, and yes, sure, I need to be needed to some extent, but NOT CONSTANTLY. Sometimes I really just need to take care of ME.  But if nobody else around here ALLOWS me to, then what??

Every time I put Florence into bed for a nap, 2 minutes later, she's out of her room again, in the hallway, complaining about something.  It's like that little kid who just will NOT go to sleep, and I gotta tell ya, when I had to babysit and the kid did that shit, my patience wore thin REAL quick.  Just like it still does with Florence now, when SHE does this shit.  I kept saying, "I don't feel well, I need to go lay down, I have a headache, so when you lay down for YOUR nap, I am going to lay down too for awhile, but then I'll come wake you up for dinner later."  But that didn't seem to get through to her at all. Every time I would leave her in her bed, I would go to the kitchen, get a drink of water or something, and then turn around, and there she was, standing there with some new complaint.  GRRRRRRR.  I never made it upstairs to lay down at all.

I even woke up this morning with Pete wondering why I didn't like mornings, and I said, "Because everybody in this damned house NEEDS ME, they need something FROM me, they need ATTENTION, they need need need need and it drives me up the wall----and at the same time, MY NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET. THAT is why I don't like mornings."

I know he heard me.  I know he SAYS he "understands."  But, that's ALL he says.  He doesn't DO anything about it, he doesn't OFFER any advice, he doesn't TRY to make things better...he just says, "I understand," like he's condescending and saying as a translation, "Ah, you're having one of those female tantrum days, okay, I get it, no problem..."  so I feel like I haven't been heard at all.

So anyway, back to the saga of Peter......after our first emails to each other, I wrote an apology....and my friend Charles who lives in Memphis, seemed to be the only "vanilla" guy that liked me even just a little bit despite my "handicap" of being a submissive...so I grasped on to the hope that maybe he would "rescue" me from the "evils" of BDSM stuff......he didn't, of course, and in fact, he kinda likes the idea of it.....he asks me lots of questions about it from time to time.  So, we're still friends, but it never culminated into anything more than that.  However, at the time when I wrote this apology, I really thought maybe I'd have a chance to "redeem" my sinning self, and get with somebody "normal."  

HA.  I am really a piece of work sometimes, ain't I??

Oh, and by the way, I told Pete that his remark about my hair really made me feel like shit, and he laughed and said, "Hey, I'm a guy, we see hair, and we SAY we see hair, ya know?"  I said, "Okay then, howz about you FAKE being NICE once and awhile, and tell me it LOOKS NICE, or something POSITIVE along those lines, okay? Ya think you could DO that?"

I also told him all I wanted was to hear him say "I'm proud of you" or "good girl" regarding my NOT going to yard sales today with my mom, but he never gave me a chance to finish my damned sentence---I told him he instantly jumped to the wrong conclusion, and I was accused, and convicted of a crime that I never committed, and I said I had had enough of that bullshit from my sisters all my life, I sure as HELL don't need it from my HUSBAND who CLAIMS to "love me."

So, whether or not any of this sinks in with Pete, remains to be seen.  I feel like I'm never truly heard.  In fact, I said, "It's been over a week since I told you I need a good night of lovin', and yet I haven't had any..."  and he laughed and said, "Oh come on, it's only been since Thursday that you said that."  I said, "Um. Yeah. Well it FEELS like over a week, and that's really the whole point of this discussion, isn't it."  Sometimes I really want to slap both him AND his mother in the face.

Well, I'm off to bed. Take care and I'll continue the saga of Peter soon......I just want you to see the intensity of our relationship that we once had, and maybe it'll explain a lot of things about why I am the way I am, and why I miss him.

Bye for now.  

Love, Rebecca

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Peter,

 

I am sorry.

 

My overall feeling is, "what is the point of having YOU tell me these things, when YOU refuse to SHOW ME, to TAKE ME, to PROVIDE those things for me!!!  It's not FAIR, it's messed UP, it makes me want to scream my head off and throw a temper tantrum.  I feel every little DNA molecule screaming in my entire body, and I am completely electricuted with these overwhelming emotions that have left me drained and confused, angry and shattered.

 

....but.....recklessly, without rationality, I've acted like the Taming of the Shrew. You named every naughty thing about me in a realm we have never even treaded together, that has burned my guts and left me feeling naked to my soul----

 

And I am the one shocked that you thought I would actually THANK you for this...

 

However, I'm sure you had no idea that I would react like a deer in the headlights...but I have run from it in panic...and I have lashed out because of fear...

 

There is a saying that when the student is ready the teacher will come. I have thought of you along those lines---but mostly I thought of you as just another married vanilla guy who likes to pretend about D/s with other girls to build up his ego...because 9 out of 10 guys I have encountered in life have been exactly like that.

 

Apparently from what you've said, I have been proven wrong.

 

I woke up today feeling raw and on edge, determined to get rid of my profile on collarme and alt, I've deleted every mail message from both accounts, I've written a journal entry on collarme for now, telling people to step off....

 

I've never felt this way before. I don't know what to do. I want to run and hide and lash out and be angry, but I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm freaking out.

 

I made up my mind last night after writing to you that the ONLY good thing in this entire world----in MY entire world---is Charles....and I have never found anyone else worth fighting for...I thought teaching about the Holocaust was worth fighting for, until 9/11 blew that idea to smithereens...and for 12 years I've sat around waiting for him to love me. 

 

But now I feel a panicked urgency to run to him, to fight for him, to grasp at this last straw of normalcy with a decent single guy, a long time friend, who has every right to know every little detail about me, moreso than YOU do, moreso than anybody else in this universe.....and if I FAIL at my attempt to fight for him and to be in a relationship with him, then I am truly lost.

 

And you slowly guided me to that cliff...I've been teetering there for some time on my own, but never got too close to it....and then you come along and in less than a month, you've not only dangled my toes over the edge of it, you've pushed me off and now I feel like I am choking, I am falling, I am doomed if I don't grab hold of someone like Charles that will save me from myself.

 

I've never felt so many bizarre and scarey things in my whole life.