A little personal secret of mine...

Dear Stephen,

Here's my Facebook review of Greatest Hits 2:

The new Greatest Hits 2 CD just came in the mail today, and then I came when I heard it!! Unbelievable! Awesome! It all sounds so crystal clear, like it's all brand new again! Yay!! 

We stopped at Arby's for a quick bite before heading to Cleveland, and of course I dress for a dungeon with my corset, thong panties, big cleavage bra, and pink and black lace jacket and shoes...and wouldn'tcha know it, Pete sees some guy he knows and motions to have me come over, then he says, "Hey! Pastor Joe! Come meet my new wife!" 

GROAN!! I am goin' straight to hell.

(But I'll be a happy wet mess on the way)!! Hehehe

My nickname on a BDSM web site was "Happy2Botk." (OTK = over the knee)! *wink*.  I had another nickname on a different web site of "RuW8n4xtc."  Sooooo, I am sometimes a total sex kitten. And, I am pleased to report that most men I I have known have truly enjoyed it.

It is kinda exciting to go to a new dungeon.  If you look up "SMART in Cleveland," on Google, you'll see some nice photos of it.  They have some decent looking equipment.

Stephen-my-love, I want to pretend that you are totally cool with my kink, open-minded, tolerant, and appreciative of my honesty about it----so if you're really NOT cool with it, don't read the rest of this blog entry. (Ya wuss)!!!! Hehehe

Come ON, you CANNOT tell me in all your 62 years on this planet, you have never known a kinky chick.  I'd even place a monetary bet that you have participated in kink yourself.  It really is much more mainstream and less "taboo" than it ever used to be.

My world changed when I was 30.  Until that point, I was a virgin until the age of 21, and  I had only known and dated vanilla guys.  I had no clue about any of that stuff.

Not ONE of those boyfriends really delved into anything even remotely CLOSE to kinky---except for David in my last year of college. He liked to role play as a burglar breaking in to my apartment while I was sleeping, and "take me forcefully."  Then he would tie my wrists to the headboard.

That one brief experience kinda "whet my whistle" for all things kinky.

At age 30, I met a guy who told me point blank that I am a submissive. Now, I was working in DC, at the Museum, and I considered myself to be an independent, feminist badass. So I laughed in his face and told him he was full of crap.  But, he just smiled and said, "Exactly. You feel that your true nature is somehow unacceptable in everyday society, so you feel the need to overcompensate for it by being tough, ballsy, independent and feisty. That is partially why your relationships have failed.". I looked at him, blinked silently at him, instantly furious, and said, "A male conspiracy to keep women down, is that what this line of BS is? Really?". He laughed. Then he gave me a couple of books, "Screw the Roses, give me the Thorns," and "Different Loving." he gave me web sites to research and read, and said, "Go do some soul searching homework. Then come talk to me."

And I did.  And that bastard was right. He pegged me, and it made my defenses kick in.  Nobody could know that secret about me!! How DARE he try and figure me out?! Who the hell did he think he was?!  Hell, I didn't even know fully the secret about myself at that point.

So here we are, 13 years later...funny how you've been out of Journey for 13 years and I've been into BDSM for 13 years.  I guess that must be our kindred lucky number.  

These 13 years have been SO blissfully content overall for me, because I could finally stop hiding. I was accepted and celebrated by those closest to me for being true to myself above anything else, and I embraced this new me, despite what other people thought. 

Ya gotta love and accept the good, the bad and the ugly sides of yourself before you can really be any good to anybody else. 

I discovered so much about myself...I didn't know that I had two G-spots, for example. I had no clue that I was multi-orgasmic, and I NEVER thought ANYBODY could actually come on command...but I can.  I learned that I could snap a penis off like a twig with my kleigel muscles.  I learned how to milk a prostrate.  I learned how much pain was just enough to get me over the edge.  I learned how much pain was too much and was actually a punishment.  I learned that my outie belly button is directly connected to my clit.  Tickle it when I'm on the edge and watch the fireworks. I learned that I am NOT a "heavy player," nothing too extreme, but I like WATCHING some extreme stuff. I learned my interests, my hard and soft limits, and I learned how to give the most awesome blowjobs.

 I realized while learning all these new secrets about the SCARY secret I held inside all those years, was actually a blessing.  I am one lucky broad!!!  

How many people do YOU know, Stephen, who are so self-actualized and have enough self-esteem that they can take all those kinds of sexual things in about themselves, and celebrate them? Living in San Francisco for so many years, I would guess you have known a few.

It is liberating, to say the least.

"Anyway You Want It" is on the radio right now! How friggin' appropriate is THAT?!  I am tellin' ya, we are soul mates my friend.  This just seems too weird to be a random coincedence. 

We're almost to Cleveland.  Tonight is "Extreme play" night...ever heard of or tried CBT?? (cock and ball torture).  I've seen things, Stephen, that would totally blow your mind.  I know this guy who has absolutely the MOST pain tolerance I have ever seen. He gets crucified every year at camp. With actual nails hammered through his hands and feet.  I can't watch that though.  I don't like blood play, I tend to pass out or feel sick.

I know people who love being caned all over---to the point of broken skin, bloody cuts and bruises that last for more than a month.  And some of them are so PROUD of those marks, they keep a photo album of the wounds as trophies.

Now that is wayyyy beyond me.

I do not like marks.  I don't like hickies.  I don't like extrme stuff.  The most extreme thing I have ever had done to me was at camp last tear---FIRE PLAY!  Two men, with 2 floggers drenched in rubbing alcohol and set in fire, and I was naked, (standing next to a swimming pool), and I was FLAMED and  SINGED all over my body!  It was AWESOME!!  I love hot wax too!! Mmmm!!

So, we just had a rest stop and of course I hadda get a small peppermint mocha decaf sugar-free skinny Starbucks. Yummy!!

Have I freaked you out?  Most people are stunned into shocked silence by now.  I have lost a few friends too.  But, overall, I am not ashamed, nor do I feel any remorse or the urge to give apologies to anybody.

I am only human.  I am not perfect.  I may partake of the naughtiness a lot, but it keeps me sane and happy.  So who could really fault me for choosing an alternative form of therapy?!  It really does keep me calm and content and it gets rid of my stress.  It's just a different way of achieving that. 

Well, I've told my mom, my sisters, my best friend, and a few other vanilla people...and now you know too.  In fact, I met Pete at the annual BDSM camp that I go to in May.  I was with Peter who sent me to camp--I didn't want to go---but when the Dom says I have no choice in the matter, I went.

I wanted to attend a class entitled "worshipping the male member.". But, in order to attend, you had to BRING a male member.  Peter wasn't there, obviously--his wife wouldn't like that one bit---so I asked this guy (Pete) who was giving massages at the spa, if he might volunteer so that I could learn how to please my Dom.  He agreed, and when the class ended, he suddenly grabbed me and planted this huge kiss on me!!! I yelled to the instructor, "Hey! How do you turn it off?!" and everybody laughed.

Then Pete tried for days to find me. I was hiding in my cabin.  I wanted to go home. The day before camp ended, I was all packed and ready to leave.  I walked to the headquarters to turn in my ID card, and Pete yelled from nearby, "REBECCA! Hey!" and I groaned.  I was NOT interested. I HAD a Dom.  I HAD Peter.  But then he was calling and emailing and eventually Peter decided that he couldn't give me all that a single man could.  He wanted me to try and date Pete.  I thought Pete was a Dom, but he wasn't. He had never been to camp before.  He didn't know much about BDSM at all.  I didn't think it would work. 

I need to be with a Dominant man who knows and understands me, and guides me to being a better person. Helps mevto grow, to expand my horizons, to explore myself and BDSM safely and who makes me BEG to completely give myself and my submission to him.  

Well.....Pete and I are not at the same level of BDSM at all.  But, when I met him, I believed that being submissive was the one defining thing about me, the most important thing, and the ONLY thing I wanted to devote myself to.  I learned that it's really NOT the only thing or the most important thing about me.  I learned that it's not the "frosting" that makes a relationship work, it's really the "cake."

Heyyyy, there's the skyline of Cleveland!!!  Gotta scoot....I will be sure to give a full report of the evening next time!!!

Love, Rebecca