Christmas spirit??

Hi Steve,

Well, like everybody else on the planet who adores you, I am also waiting for Uncle Joe's interview with you on the radio this weekend.  I don't know if I will actually get to hear it first hand, or if I'll have to search for it on youtube or something, but I'll definitely try to catch it if I can.  The photo of you with that Uncle Joe guy is pretty cool, I love those sunglasses. You look sexy, as always.

I'm feeling rather bummed out.  I'm still thinking about Patrice O'Neal's death, and wondering how I'll die. Do you ever sit and wonder about that?  Do you contemplate your own mortality?  I have done so ever since I was about 19 years old.  (I had a boyfriend dump me for his ex-girlfriend after giving me a promise ring, and wanting to marry me).  That was really awful, and it killed me.  That was when I vowed never to let men dupe me into marriage....or anything super serious.  Well, yeah, so I'm 43 now and I'm married, but I still keep a slight distance, if you know what I mean.  My trust level is at 0% most of the time.

I took off to the mall yesterday...I dropped my stupid iPhone, and the damned SIM card said it wasn't working, I couldn't get calls or make calls all day long.  Very annoying.  So I took it to the Apple store, and they fixed it for me in less than 2 minutes.  But of course, I had to peruse the rest of the mall while I was there...and of course, I got sucked into the GNC store, feeling guilty about being alive when a very talented, 41 year old comedian had just died from the same stupid disease that I've got...

So I walked out of the GNC with some colon cleanse stuff (a week of ick for several months of AHHH), and then I got some chocolate flavored protein drink stuff with virtually no sugar in it, to help me lose weight and maintain a healthy glucose level.  Yeah, I'm a sucker, I never shop at that place, unless I'm feeling my age, or feeling the pressure of doom falling down on my head for not taking better care of myself.  But, there ya go.

I'm also feeling bummed out because I am the only person in this whole house who seems to give a rat's ass about decorating for Christmas.  It kinda takes the wind outta my sails, ya know?  I asked Pete if he wanted to help me decorate our tree, for instance, and he looked at me funny and said, "I haven't done that in over 10 years...why would I do that now?"  I just looked at him and blinked several times.  "HMM, I DUNNO, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME NOW, AND SHOULD AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE AN EFFORT AT SHOWING A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM ABOUT SHARING THE HOLIDAYS AND MAKING SOME MEMORIES WITH ME BEFORE YOU CROAK AND LEAVE ME A FRIGGIN' WIDOW??" I thought.  Dumbass men.  I can't stand 'em.

Present company excluded, of course.  I can stand YOU, Stephen, because you live clear across the damned country, you don't even know me, and I can pretend that you're on the other side of this computer screen, which is close enough to be somewhat comforting---but also far enough away to be safe, at the same time, ya know??  You're not sitting here in my FACE, and that is okay by me.  I'm afraid that if you were sitting here in my face, (muffled guffaw...dirty minded me), I'm afraid that I really may not like you half as much as I do now.  Does that make any sense?!  Sure, I may actually like your manly appendage in my face, certainly, those naughty things can be quite tasty.  But YOU, actually, sitting here WITH me, might just drive me insane, because I have NO ILLUSIONS about you at all, you're a MAN, and frankly, most men drive me up the friggin' wall.  Even if you're GAY, you're still a male human, and you'd probably still bug me.

So, keep your distance, and we'll get along just fine.  Get too close, and I might have to smack you silly.

There are days when I would like it if Pete just fell off the planet and left me the hell alone for good. Today, I felt like telling him to go bite a rock.  He just sits there on the couch, playing his stupid iPhone games while "watching" t.v., (mostly listening to it), while I'm up decorating the tree by myself, and wondering why the FUCK I even bother.

It would be nice, this time of year especially, if the person I chose to spend my life with (why, I still don't really know),  would actually TRY to be involved in my world when he comes home from his.  I sit here all damned day long, keeping busy trying to do things around the house, keeping the 2 mom's happy, getting the chores done, and I wonder why the hell I do these things.  Why didn't I just stay single??  This house-slave-wife thing is really a drag.

So I got outside today, away from the mom's for awhile, and I decorated the front of the house with snowflakes, blue and silver colors, and snowmen.  I don't really like the red and green traditional stuff at Xmas time, I prefer blue and silver.  It just seems classy to me, and it makes me feel good when I see it. So this year, rather than using all of my beach-themed ornaments on the tree like I have for the past 10 years or so, I decided to buy all NEW stuff, with blue, teal, and silver.

But as I'm doing this stuff, I'm thinking, "It is December first, and this stuff will be packed away again in a few weeks, so why am I knocking myself out to get it all unpacked and stuff??? Why do I do these stupid things??? It's an exercise in futility."

Maybe that's what happens when you're in your mid-40's....you start to question "Why bother," a lot.  And maybe that's why Pete (who is 53) and my mom (62) and Florence (90) don't give a rat's ass anymore about doing any of it.

Do YOU decorate YOUR house with Christmas stuff at all?? Do YOU have a nice Xmas tree that you enjoy decorating with your favorite ornaments?  Or do you skip all that rigamarole, and do nothing??

Well, it just feels like a bummer to me so far, this Christmas season.  It's all hype, and greed, and I am really not in the mood for it.  But, it gives me something to DO around here, other than housework.  I get really sick and tired of doing the dishes and laundry all the time, ya know??  I gotta be creative at something, or I will shrivel up and die.  But, being creative and doing it all BY MYSELF seems like a stupid damned thing to me, because I spent 40 years of my LIFE all BY MYSELF doing this shit, why the hell do I need Pete and my mom and his mother if all they're going to do is give me a hard time about it, or tease me, or just not participate at all??? What is the friggin' POINT????  I should have stayed single, I say that nearly every day to myself, and I am starting to really feel that I made a huge mistake.

So, since Pete is not enthused about helping with the tree, since he just sits there silent in front of the t.v., while I'm DYING for some intelligent conversation, (which I rarely ever get from anybody), and since my left shoulder is KILLING ME again, (this stupid chiropractor of mine is apparently not FIXING the problem, it keeps coming back), I think I'm going to take some Aleve and go to bed.

We're all just killin' time doing stupid shit all our lives, until time kills us.

Yeah, happy friggin' holidays.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca