My idea to eliminate the deficit.

Hello Stephen,

You may THINK I just sit around all day taking care of 2 crazy mom's, (and most days, you would be right)...but I also have half a brain in my head still, so from time to time, I also come up with solutions to the world's problems.  Yes, yes, I'm a genius.  No applause, just throw money.  No autographs, kthx.

Soooooo my brilliant idea, which I just put to paper and sent to Barack Obama in the mail today, is this:

Picture the National Mall in Washington DC.
Now picture about, oh, say 100 DUNK TANKS lining each side of it.
Then picture every politician, sitting in one.
And at $20 bucks a ball, I betcha people everywhere will be diggin' in their couches to find spare change! Of course, the politicians would also have to fork over some of THEIR money too, but that's too damned bad.  Do it in the name of DEMOCRACY.  (or is that DEMOCRAZY)?

THAT WAY, instead of sitting around playing stupid ass games all the time, lost in soap opera BS, wasting everybody's time and money---they can ALL finally say, "We worked TOGETHER to SAVE OUR ECONOMY!!"  It's really a win-win situation, and all they get for their trouble is a little bit WET.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Ah well, I really think it might work, but who the hell am I.  Just a schlub in Pittsburgh, nothing more, nothing less.

In other news...I had a gigantic meltdown the other night, (hence my 2 day absence from the blog)....and at one point, while I'm crying my eyes out, feeling horrible, hating life, Pete said, in all seriousness, "Do you want to leave?"  Immediately after he asked me that, I said in complete annoyance, "WHERE THE HELL WOULD I GO??!! I've got nowhere else to go!! And what would happen to my MOM if I left??  I don't have a PLAN, I don't have any CLUE how the hell I would LIVE...or WHERE..."  And I was crying my eyes out.  Then I told him he's just STUCK with me, whether he liked it or not, and he'd better help me with this goddamned mother-babysitting shit, or I'm going to just put her ass into a nursing home MYSELF.

So the next day, after going to the dentist and having lunch, I took his mom to a nice "assisted living" home, that we used to go to when we lived in our other house across town, that she LIKED.  I took her there, to see their "Festival of Trees," like we did last year, and when she walked in the door, (as I expected), the lady at the front desk exclaimed, "FLORENCE! HOW ARE YOU!! It's been so long since we've seen you! Wow you look great!!"  And Florence was grinning from ear to ear.  She didn't think anybody would remember her, and SHE barely remembered the place herself.  So it was NICE for her to be recognized, and appreciated, and MISSED...we saw several people, including her former physical therapist, Lisa, and talked with her a few minutes too.  We toured all the different trees and voted on the one we liked best, and then left.

That evening, when Pete was home, she kept saying, "I want to go home." She says this all the time, and it's like a broken damned record that gets on everybody's nerves.  We all say, "YOU ARE HOME."  But she doesn't FEEL like she's "home."  It has been 7 months since we've lived in this house, but to an Alzheimers patient, that's not enough time to really get used to a major change like that.  So, then we had a discussion---Florence, Pete, and I.

My contribution: "Florence, if you're not happy here in OUR house, with US, then you can choose to go live in the assisted living place we visited today...but if you decide to do that, WE will NOT be there every day to see you."  She and Pete talked too, and he told her the same kind of things, we presented a united front, telling her we loved her, we wanted her to be happy, we wanted her to decide HERSELF what she wanted to do with the rest of her life (that was her question..."what am I going to do with the rest of my life?")....and then she calmed down a bit, and said she would think about it, ------translation: until she forgets all about it in 10 minutes-----and then she went in to lay down on her bed for the night.

I went in a little while later, to give her the pills she takes at night, and she said to me, "Hello...I am new here, please tell me what the daily routine is, so I can get used to this place."  She was already, in her HEAD, living in the assisted living nursing home.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I think that may be our next step with her as the disease progresses.  They do have respite programs, where she can stay for a week or two at a time whenever WE need a break.  So I'm going to look into that.  She likes the place, she is known there, it's comfortable and familiar to her, and she enjoys being treated with positive and upbeat attitudes, along with respect and dignity by the people who work there.  I really think she may be happy there, to have a social life.  They also allow you to bring someone in for the DAY, just to participate in the programs they have every day, and lunch, and visit with people...they have a hair styling salon and they do manicures too, so that is an option as well.

I'm going to take her there once a week, to spend the day, which is what we used to do sometimes. That will give ME a much-needed break, and it will give HER a better quality of life, and socializing, than she can get sitting around the house all day.  She said she was willing to give it another try, so that's what we're going to do.  For now, I feel relieved, and I hope she'll be able to handle it.  Otherwise, I'm calling an agency and getting a NURSE in here to be with her 2 or 3 days a week, just so that I can do MY STUFF, things I haven't had the time or energy to really focus on, for a long time.

One way or another, I'm getting out of this rut.  I'm too damned young to be wasting MY life on this situation, and I'm beyond burned out from it to continue doing this without having a breakdown myself.

Sooooooo, Pete is taking me away this weekend, to a local bed and breakfast, just for the hell of it.  I guess it's for our anniversary....(did I tell you that story)??  I think I did a long time ago, but the brief story is that he and I got hitched at a justice of the peace on Xmas Eve, so that we could get a bigger tax refund as a joint married couple, in order to pay for the actual WEDDING in July.  We didn't tell anybody either, we just did it, and focused on the wedding as the 'real' anniversary.  But, we also go and do something every December to celebrate our REAL real anniversary.  So, this is it.  I'm looking forward to it. We'll leave Saturday afternoon and come back Monday.  (He will go to work).

And then, we realized that the weekend we bought the Rammstein concert tickets---did I tell you that too?? Hell I don't remember.....we got tickets to Cleveland, Ohio, to see Rammstein....in May of 2012. That just happens to be the SAME weekend that KINKO DE MAYO happens at the dungeon there!! WOOOOOO!!!! I don't know if you have any clue what that is, but I think you can figure it out without much help from me.  It's a big party, with kink thrown in, that is very popular and sells out every year. It's going to be one AWESOME FUCKING WEEKEND, I can tell you THAT....AND, what's even BETTER, is that CAMP is only 2 weeks LATER!!!!

I cannot TELL you how much I'm looking forward to CAMP every May.  God I love it there.  I wish you could see it...I really do...it's the most serene, peaceful place, a beautiful camp with cabins and a mess hall and a huge pool...lots of trees, grass, and birds singing...just awesome....and of course, we walk around bare-butt NEKKID and do all sorts of naughty stuff in the dungeons too.  It is BLISS.  Sheer debauchery-filled bliss.  And I NEED THAT to live.

I've been thinking about that, and Pete brought it up also, during my meltdown.  His concern was that, now we are going to the dungeon more often, and does that make everything ELSE pale in comparison, to the point where it makes me miserable??  Well, I know for a FACT that if I DIDN'T NEED this lifestyle so much, I sure as HELL wouldn't be in it for nearly 14 years of my LIFE.  It's a big part of who I am, it's something I crave, it's something I feel is NORMAL for ME, and it's something I enjoy immensely...I NEED IT...in order to function properly.  It's a stress-relief.  I'm under a LOT of fuggin' STRESS all the time (that'll be the thing that kills me eventually, I'm convinced).

Pete isn't really a Dom....at least, not a very experienced Dom....and I've been involved in this stuff for nearly 14 years....so the different levels of experience are a PROBLEM....and have been, since day one. BUT....he is open to learning, to doing new things, to expanding his horizons...and we have had nearly 4 years to get to know each other in that way, to figure things out....we still have not achieved the awesome mental connection that a Dom and sub have though.  I had that with my ex, in DC, and it was mind-blowing.  Absolutely the most awesome relationship I've ever had...tumultuous as it was.  I think it's a barrier, keeping that connection from happening, with Pete's Attention Deficit Disorder.  I don't think he's capable of achieving that mental connection as deeply as I had with Peter.  I really don't.  It's not from lack of trying, surely, but it's just not happening.

So that's the part I miss.  And we didn't go out to a dungeon for a very long time----wayyyyy too long----so I have been feeling all shriveled up inside, like I'm dying, suffocating, fading...just not happy...a huge void was there for a long time, and I tried VERY HARD to just live without it.  The sad part is, I can't.  I get NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING out of vanilla sex.  It does NOTHING for me.  I don't even get WET from it.  I definitely cannot orgasm from it.  It's the lamest, most boring sex EVER.  It's not even worth DOING in my opinion, and sometimes, with Pete, it's just too damned vanilla. But I fake it to make him feel better....but at the same time, I feel horribly sad about doing that.  I shouldn't have to.

And yes, lately we've been going to the Cleveland dungeon more and more, and frankly, I would go EVERY WEEKEND if I could.  I want more.  I crave more.  I need ROPE, and I've told him that so many times, but he never never never hears me.  He never uses it on me.  He never even TRIES.  And I NEED IT.  I don't know how else to communicate that to him.  He just doesn't hear me, or he just doesn't feel that he's good at it, I don't know, but it's something I desperately WANT TO FEEL again.

So yeah, I'm a goner, I'm a hopeless goner when it comes to kink.  I'd love to drown in it, envelope myself, immerse myself, and just BE that kinky sex kitten that lurks inside of me, ALL THE TIME.  I could EASILY be a 24/7 submissive.  In fact, I even looked into becoming a PROFESSIONAL submissive, when I lived in DC, before I met Peter and he became my Dom.  I didn't have ANYBODY to play with, and I was dying inside from it....so I looked into doing that....but I never ventured forth. Peter took the place of that, and that void I felt inside had been filled...as well as it could be with a married man anyway.  So I just settled for that, rather than pursue the unknown "professional" stuff.

I need to feel that EDGE....that kinky naughty EDGE.....or it just doesn't do much at all for me sexually. If I am held right on the edge of an orgasm, but I'm DENIED....well.....that drives me batshit crazy, and I LOVE IT.  I love it love it love it love it.  Of course, I only REALLY love it if I'm allowed to go OVER that edge eventually...after being told not to...

I used to have such awesome klegel muscle control...I could keep a man INSIDE ME, if I wanted to, and there was nothing he could do about it until I let him go.  I could shoot a vibrator across the ROOM. I'm not kidding, either, you can ask my last vanilla (married at the time) boyfriend, Allen.  He was amazed at that, and he made me do it quite often, just because he was flabbergasted by it.  I was the "coolest chick" he'd ever met in his LIFE, he would say, because I could do those things and his wife didn't even have a CLUE about what a klegel muscle even WAS.  (He's divorced now, big surprise).  In fact, he called me a few months ago, just to tell me that.  He also asked if I might still be able to have some play time with him...nooky, that is....with Pete's approval of course....would Pete "farm me out?"

I don't know if he would allow that or not, my gut says, "only if he could watch."  But, who knows.

Anyway, I could hold my orgasm and sit on the edge of it for quite some time, fighting my body's urge to release, and loving the myriad of physical and emotional feelings that it caused...unlike any other feeling in the world.  It's like I am the ALMIGHTY POWERFUL OZ, and I can just sit there, on the edge, and HOLD IT as long as I'm told to, until my Dom did the COUNTDOWN....

Oh yes, Peter trained me to orgasm ON COMMAND.  He would do this countdown from 10... he would say it slowly....agonizingly slowly....while I'm DYING to let loose....and it was the sweetest most awesome feeling in the UNIVERSE when he would say, "Cum for me."  Holy bejeezus, I cannot even TELL you.....well, 2 words should suffice:  Niagra Falls.  And that's no exaggeration either.

Pete, on the other hand, does not have that mental connection as strongly with me yet, (it takes a long time to achieve), so he doesn't really DO the countdown thing, and I certainly am NOT going to ASK him to....(that would be "topping from the bottom," which is the WORST cardinal SIN of submissives).

So, what I'm saying is, I miss my old self.  I miss those things so much, it aches inside of me.  I miss all of that even MORE than I miss working at the Museum in DC, and THAT is HUGE.  I miss ME, and I seem to have LOST me, in all this "taking care of the mom's" that my life has become.  I want to get ME back again, and be the hottie sex kitten that I know I can be.

Well, I have to go for now.  I hope you're having a good weekend, and I will write again soon.

Love, Rebecca