Happy weekend...

Hi Stephen,

Everybody is buzzing on Facebook about how you and Neal Schon "don't like each other very much."

Dramatic pause.

Aren't you sick of this shit??  I would be.  In fact, I am.

Man-love (EVERY LEVEL OF IT) is a very complex thing that few understand.  The brotherly love you and Neal shared for so many years has similarities to the "big brother who always helped out his deadbeat little brother, only to be screwed by him later on."  I mean, that pretty much sums it up in the nutshell, doesn't it??  Neal has never matured.  He's never grown up, and he's really NOT a good example of a real man, even though he's an adult.  You, on the other hand, have integrity, maturity, and you've risen far above all the petty bullshit that he seems to thrive on.

But....your FANS....well, we're the "kids" in the middle of the "divorce" you know.  Some of us defend "daddy," (you), and some of us defend "mommy," (Neal).  At some point, whether you and Neal like it or not, you guys are gonna HAVE TO get together, and work this out.  Life is too short, Stephen, for this kind of unfortunate, and unnecessary crap to ruin friendships that were once so strong.  Karma WILL put you two together at some point again, mark my words, and there will be no way to avoid it.

Speaking of "daddy..."

You may wonder why the hell I am into BDSM....that is, let's PRETEND you give a shit....

1. My dad was a lot like Neal.  Immature, never grew up, was a womanizer and a cheater on my mom for many years.  He always tried to make himself more important that he really was, to everybody.  He had little or no self-esteem, but acted like he was God's gift, and an "expert" at things he wasn't.  He enjoyed criticizing me for liking rock and roll music, and long-haired "girly men," (like you).  We fought a lot, argued mostly, and I avoided him as much as I possibly could.  At 22, during my parents divorce, I told him he's lost his first daughter forever, and would never know any grandchildren that I might have. He is perhaps the biggest reason I never had a kid.  I didn't want my kid to be anything like him.  I haven't talked to him since then.

2. During my formative years, my dad wasn't there for me.  He never liked anything that I liked, and constantly berated and teased me for it.  Since the 5th grade, I had many symphony concerts where I played my flute and piccolo, but he never attended even ONE of those concerts at all, ever.  He was a 'workaholic,' which we eventually learned was alcoholism in disguise, where he'd hide booze in our garage, and in his office. When he was home, he slept a lot.  I thought he was just a lazy jackass.  But during the divorce, my mom and I found empty bottles all over the house, hidden.  I never felt close to him, I never confided in him, I never bonded with him at all.  I knew his "secret" of cheating on my mom, when I was only 10 years old.  I lost all respect for him, and never trusted him again.

3. I grew up without a real dad, who cared and listened, and hugged me when I needed it, I never had a dad to go do fun things with, (he told me when I was 8 that he had wanted me to be a boy, so that he could play baseball with me...so I could never PLEASE THE DADDY, no matter what I did).

4. I was a virgin until the age of 21.  I didn't want a boyfriend, I didn't want to get married, I didn't want to end up trapped with somebody just like my dad.  Reading self-help books for a long time taught me that most women grow up marrying someone just like their fathers, and that scared the shit outta me.  So I remained single, and never really got too close to any of the boyfriends who ventured forth in my life. They were just fun play toys, nothing more.  I kept my distance.  I also learned from self-help books (and a therapist in college), that I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, which comes with some baggage.  I learned also that I was given a "hot potato" to hold on to at age 10---the secret about his cheating on my mom---that I couldn't tell my sisters, or anybody else...and I had nowhere to go with this hot potato, so it just remained within ME, burning ME the whole time....and it basically made me grow up too fast.

5. As an adult woman of 30, having been one of those "ballsy" types most of my life (raised by strong women who didn't take any crap from anybody), my friend David told me I am submissive.  I laughed in his face, and told him he was full of shit.  He told me I had been overcompensating most of my life for my true nature, and that he knew that every boyfriend I had in the past was vanilla and it didn't work.  He told me to read a couple of BDSM books, and research some web sites about it, and do some soul searching.  So I did.  And he was right.

6. All my life I have been needing and looking for that "daddy" I never had.  YOU, Mr. Steve Perry, were SORT OF a mix of "daddy/older man/sex symbol" in my teen years and beyond.  You seemed like the kind of guy I would gravitate towards, (the soft-spoken, observer-type, the determined, motivated but introverted and creative person that I enjoyed being around, because you and I are a lot alike)....as a friend, and perhaps much more than that later on.  So, naturally, you became that pseudo-void-filler.

7.  I am still a little girl a lot of the time...because I never really had much of a childhood.  I collect Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls.  I love them.  I have a teddy bear, and a Mrs. Beasley doll too.  I'm a mature adult, but with childlike qualities of naivete, and to some men, that is a huge turn-on.  To most vanilla men, however, it was a huge turn-OFF.  I needed someone NOT like my own dad, who was wishy-washy, lied a lot, never was there, and just didn't seem to give a shit about any of us.  The opposite of my dad, was a man who took charge, guided me to learn, grow and thrive, took care of me, kept me safe and mostly sane, and also filled my needs as a disciplinarian, and as an aggressive lover.

8.  Dominant men attracted me, the badboy attracted me, any guy that wasn't like my dad attracted me. He couldn't sing worth shit.  You could.  He wore his hair short.  Yours was long.  He could barely play his acoustic guitar--all he knew were chords---but you could play lots of instruments, and I was also musical-minded.  You just stuck like glue in my heart, and that's why I love you so much even now. You have been the ONLY MAN who has been consistently THERE FOR ME, throughout my life. Every time I had a shitty day, your voice was there to sooth me.  You always said NICE THINGS in your songs, you always made me feel ooey-gooey and moist with lust...you were the only man in my whole LIFE that I felt was really sincere, and smart, and THERE whenever I needed you.

9.  Now that I am married to Pete, he has filled much more of the void that I didn't even know was there.  I've spent most of my life thinking that sex was really all there was, that love was a myth, that men were only out to get as much out of a woman as they could, and you couldn't trust 'em as far as you could throw 'em.  Pete showed me that there's more to life than that.  He's not exactly the "Dom of my dreams," yet, but he has got the potential to really be that for me, and he's always trying new things, he's always loving on me, kissing me, telling me I'm beautiful---things I've never got from most men.  I was with married men for a long time, because they were SAFE.  I could justify it by saying that it was only temporary, by telling myself someone better would come along who was single and I'd dump him, etc., but that really didn't happen, because I was, in effect, "pleasing the daddy." (The married men had kids). It worked for me, or so I thought, and made me feel incredibly happy....or so I thought.

10. Pete and I are not exactly "soul mates," per se...but we are very "in-tune" with each other, and sometimes our communication skills are lacking...but overall, 90% of the time I would say, we "get" each other...and we trust each other...and we are THERE for each other.  He's like my best friend, and he's also a kinky badass.  So, it seems to work, and all the OTHER stuff that I never had, the void I never realized was there inside of me, feels like it's healing and filling up more and more.  It's a calming, soothing, secure feeling, that I've never had with anybody before in my whole life.  And he's Dominant. To a point.  I need someone I can feel more "equal" with, than dictated to.  Someone who listens, even if I'm wrong, but especially if I'm right, and respects me for who I am inside, as well as how I look outside.

So there ya go.

I don't know if you are getting any of this stuff, if it makes sense or not, but that's really what it boils down to.  I am replacing the void of my lackluster dad, with someone who is older than me, who is smarter than me, who is smarter than my dad ever COULD be, and who has lived more than I have and experienced more than I have, who can guide me, help me through things, and help me really LIVE more than I ever knew how to before.

Like you and Neal, I sometimes don't really LIKE Pete, when he treats me abruptly or upsets me or just plain disregards me... there are days when I want to bite his face off.  He sometimes kicks into "control freak" mode, which is highly annoying.  If I get it in my head to do something MY WAY, then I'm going to do it MY WAY, and that annoys HIM, and then his annoyance annoys ME even more.  I can think for myself, I can do the same thing he wants me to do, in my own way, and still have it work out fine...but he often criticizes me, he often berates me, he often makes me feel like I can't do anything right. And THAT is when I get really peeved.  If I cannot please the daddy, I am very very unhappy.  I need a LOT of reassurance, a LOT of encouragement, a LOT of support and a LOT of praise.  I need a LOT of POSITIVE comments, not negative.  Constructive criticism is the best kind.  I need to be TOLD that I make him happy, that I did something that pleased him, that I am doing everything I can to help him as a partner, and I need to know that I'm a good wife, a good lover, a good friend, and everything else.

I guess in some ways, I'm a ballsy, independent woman, and in other ways, I'm a needy little girl.  Aren't most women like that??  Or is it just me??

So, deep down, I really do love Pete.  Maybe not as much as he loves ME, but then again, I have been without the feeling of real love most of my life, so I'm not so good at it.  This marriage thing is hard, it's challenging, it's got its good days and its bad.  Like you and Neal, that bond of deep friendship is strong, the love is there too, but it is at the beginning stages for me...it may grow as time progresses, at least I hope it will.  He adores me, and that makes me feel weird.  I've never been adored before by anybody, for any reason. It makes me feel odd, like I'm some sort of freak or something, and it's a bit uncomfortable.

I mean, I'm supposed to be the one adoring HIM, and taking care of HIM, and doing all those submissive things for HIM, to make HIM happy......but when he expresses his adoration of ME, well, it makes me feel almost like HE'S the sub, and I am the Dom....and THAT just messes me up.  I don't LIKE being the one in charge, but I've done it, and I have HAD to be, in most of my jobs.  So, to give up all control to somebody else, and rid myself of the stress of being something I'm really NOT in my every day life, is an amazing liberating freedom that I am totally addicted to feeling.

Like you, I love being true to myself, no matter what that entails, or whom it pisses off, or whom it may offend, or whomever may complain, criticize, or condemn me for it.

Taking the "pain" of a spanking, for instance, makes me feel like I can take anything life throws at me, and to HELL with the perpetrator, I'll show THEM, I am a tough broad, I won't be a coward, I won't run away and hide, I'll just bare my ASS and let the spanking continue as long as they want to give it to me, and even though I may cry, I will also damn well have an orgasm too, and there's nothing they can do about it!!!!  It brings out the badass monster inside of me, a rebel sort of, I scream and I growl, and I gnarl my teeth, and I get all the anger and frustration OUT OF ME, so that I can deal with going back to my daily life in vanilla land, doing something that is NOT at all in my true nature.

Well, anyway........Pete is going to take me away this weekend.  I'm looking forward to it.  I don't think I'll have time to write on the blog until we get back though, so I want to wish you a great weekend, and if you get a minute, tell me what you'd like for your birthday this year, okay???  (You may just end up with a Journey-opoly game, if you don't tell me what you really want)!!!

I love ya, and I hope you and Neal can work through your angst together before you both croak.

Love, Rebecca