3:30 a.m. and I had a bad dream...

Hi Stephen,

I just woke up from having a rather upsetting dream, so I wanted to jot it down before I try to go back to sleep again.

I was with Pete in Washington DC, (we are going there in a couple weeks), and we were at a hotel or some place like it, which was near a school....maybe a dorm of some kind....not sure.  I was in the main lobby area, where lots of 20-something's were milling about, using the internet and stuff, and Pete took off to check on something he had ordered that was to be delivered.  So I waited there for awhile, feeling sad because I missed Peter....my ex.  I wanted and actually ached inside to see him again, (which was actually hunger when I woke up)...but I was feeling more and more frantic about it as the day wore on.

I tried searching for him on the internet, I tried looking through the campus phone book for his info, I was sure that I would see him again soon.  Pete came back all covered in sweat, and wanted to hug me and kiss on me, which annoyed the hell out of me.  He said his package had not yet arrived but would be delivered in the back of the building in less than a half hour.  So we trudged back to that area, waiting for the delivery person to arrive.  I noticed there was quite a lot going on back there, with dumpsters being emptied by big loud trucks, and a few people who were there to do something (not sure what)...

Then, I took a walk around a bit, and saw a man---or what I thought might be a man---lying on the ground, as though he were a dead body!!  I let out a slight scream of shock, and ran over to him.  I took a closer look, and it was PETER.  He was lying there, face down, eyes closed, sprawled out among flattened boxes and other stuff that you'd find on a loading dock in the back of a building.  I gasped, and exclaimed, "OH MY GOD, PETER...NO..." and then his eyes opened, he rolled onto his side, and stood up, dusting himself off....and said, "Just trying to play a joke on my sub's son..."

That's when I fell back onto the car that Pete was sitting in, playing with his iPhone, completely oblivious to what I had just stumbled upon.  I said to Peter, "Umm, uhh....oh my God, you had me so scared...I was worried you were dead..." and he smiled a somewhat annoyed smile, "What would it matter to you if I were?"  I felt like he had just slapped me across the face.  I whispered, "I still care about you, that's what, and it DOES matter."  Then his new submissive woman came around the corner, and gave me a quick glance, dismissing me with her eyes, and asked if Peter was okay.  Then a young boy came around the corner, "I can't find him anywhere Mom..." and Peter said, "Here I am!"

I felt like I had intruded on something I had no business seeing or being around.

I went back to Pete, who didn't realize what had just happened, and he was all bubbly and happy because his latest toy had just arrived and was delivered while I was walking around.  "Let's go back to the hotel," he said, "I need a shower."  So we went back to our room, and while he was in the shower, I sat on the bed and just bawled my eyes out.

Pete came back out of the shower, saw me crying, and came over to wrap his arms around me, asking what was the matter.  I could not bring myself to tell him about Peter.  I feel that way sometimes in real life, too, whenever I have a dream like this....and I do still have dreams about Peter, even now, and I still miss him terribly.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could see him again.  But I know that I can't.

It has left me feeling very distraught.  I feel like crying right now actually.

But I need to try and get back to sleep.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca   ps. Thanks for letting me share that...it was nagging at me and causing my stomach to churn in upset, despite feeling a bit hungry.  Peanut butter on bread helped though, and of course, my dog Sassy helped me eat it.  She loves peanut butter.  I think the whole trip to DC has got me worked up. We are going there for the weekend, and what if I see Peter somewhere?? I guess that thought has been in my sub-concious or something.  Part of me wants to go to his house, open his door, and hug him.  The other part of me feels a sense of dread going back to my old life.  It has me torn up inside.