Sad Monday.

Hi Stephen,

I don't know if you are a pet person or not, (other than seeing one photo of you sitting in a chair with a cat years ago, I have no idea), but if you've ever had to put a pet down, you'll know just how difficult it is.

My dog, Sassy, has been looking around the whole house today, and she talks to us..."uh, uh, uh" she says, with different tonal voicing each time, "where'd he go?" "where's my friend?" "I can't find him mom."  I keep telling her, "Radar had to go bye-bye, it's okay, he was sick...he had to go bye-bye."  She seems to understand, but she keeps looking around for him anyway.  It is heart breaking.

I took my mom out today, to go look at baby clothes.  That always cheers her up.  She loves babies, and since my best friend's daughter Emily is now 6 weeks pregnant, it seemed like a viable reason to get her out of the house and out of the doldrums.  She crochets all the time, too...my mom is a yarn-aholic.  She has made hundreds of premature baby hats, to donate to hospitals.  Did you know that if they drop one on the floor, they cannot put it back on the baby's head?  So sometimes they go through 3-5 hats a day for one baby.  They are always looking for more donations.  When it comes to baby clothes at the stores, though, my mom enjoys how cute they are, and sometimes adds some crochet to them too.

My mom feels lost without her dog.  And I miss him too.  I miss hearing his little toenails go "skittily skittily skittily" across the floor.  I used to say that to him, too, "Mr. Skittily!"  He always had this little jump off his left rear leg, when he walked fast.  He was quite a character, that little dog.  It was awful to hear him last night....he was breathing fast, very short, like he couldn't take a deep enough breath.  If you've ever read a book about the Holocaust, you may have read the phrase, "death rattle."  That's what he had.  It was definitely a death rattle.  His little lungs were full of fluid, and he was suffocating slowly.  When I heard him doing this, I knew it was time to take him in.

Poor little guy had heart disease.  He's been on medicine for about 6 months I think, but it doesn't cure anything, it just keeps the fluid from building up so fast in his lungs.  Eventually, there would be nothing we could do for him at all.  If we hadn't taken him in last night, my mom and I knew he wouldn't have made it through the night.  But he was suffering so, those big brown eyes of his were so scared and panicked...I can't even tell you just how awful that is....to see his fear, and to know there's nothing you can do about it....I just know it is the most horrible, helpless feeling in the world.

It reminded me so much of my best friend's miscarriage...they delivered this premature baby, a boy, when he wasn't even formed yet in his lungs.  He was alive.  His name was Sam.  He cried briefly, just a tiny squeak, but he couldn't breathe and we all held him briefly, and told him we loved him, and that we would miss him forever, for about 15 minutes, until he finally suffocated.  Watching a helpless, tiny little baby like that, slowly turn blue and lifeless, was the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced.

So, it has been a very difficult day, to say the least.  My mom cried most of the morning.  She didn't get much sleep at all last night.  My dog went downstairs to be with her, and that helped her a little.  I suggested that she consider getting another dog in a couple months...but right now, she doesn't want to.

Dogs really are like a member of your family, a person almost, and when they die....it's just awful.  God gives you this tiny creature who loves you unconditionally, but only for a short time.  Then they are gone.  And it's like your heart is ripped right out of you, stomped on, and beaten.  The grief is horrible.  It will fade, in a few weeks, maybe...but the pain of it will never really heal, just like losing a loved one never really heals all the way.

Anyway....I just wanted to write a quick message to you, before I go spend the evening with Pete.  He's got me watching "The Saint" now....with Roger Moore.  He loves these old t.v. shows, and records them so that we can sit and watch them in the evenings.  We've gone through the entire series of Batman, and now it's "The Saint."  (One of my old t.v. show favorites was "The Land of the Lost."  I now own the entire series, which they packaged in an old fashioned lunch box).

We've also watched the whole series of "It Takes a Thief."  When we were in San Francisco, at one of Pete's comic book conventions, we actually MET Malachi Thorn, the guy who played the "Chief," to the main character on that show.  I didn't know who he was at that point, we had only started watching them and I had never even HEARD of the show before, so it completely missed me, but Pete was all geeked about it and told the guy that I was just starting to watch the show now, and that we really enjoy it.

Ahhh useless trivia.  I'm full of it.  (insert Groucho Marx..."and that ain't the ONLY thing you're full of sister!")

At least I still have the ability to make myself smile, even though my heart is sad.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca