DC 101

http://ihr.fm/rKx

Hi Stephen,

DC 101.  That is the radio station I listened to the most when I lived in DC.  That, and 105.9 "Smooth Jazz," but it's no longer a jazz station unfortunately.  I'm not only addicted to Pandora, but now "I heart radio" too.  Been listening to it all yesterday while painting our bedroom ceiling, and now today too.

The honest truth is, Pittsburgh radio sucks.  So just about ANYTHING is better.

Oh, by the way, whether Pete noticed or not, I really don't care.  But I cleaned the paint brush, and it's perfectly spiffy and shiny new again.  Wasn't really worth getting all pissed off about, but okay, whatever.  If that's the only thing in your life you DO get upset about, I guess you really can't complain too much in this life.  Whatever floats your boat.

So now I have to decide if I want to go to DC next week for my friend's memorial service.  Everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) at the Museum will be there, including volunteers.  Mike was well-loved.  But, as you know, I am a SMIDGE of a rabble rouser sometimes.....NOOOO, MEEEE???.....yeah, me.
That means, SOME people who still work there, don't like me very much. (Feeling is mutual I'm sure).  But, my thought is, I don't want to put a damper on Mike's Memorial by being there, if it upsets someone for some reason.  I also don't want to bring Pete along if he's not really interested in being there, which I get the sneaking suspicion might be the case.

In some ways, being there last weekend with the people who DO still like me, the friends I had and still care about very much, was MY memorial to Mike, and that makes me feel some closure and relief.  Meeting and talking to Mike's son and daughter-in-law was also very nice.  Do I really NEED to go to this "official" one, or would it be viewed as "opportunistic," or "inappropriate," or just plain "intrusive," because I no longer work there?  Like I said, I don't want any negativity going on. I asked my friend Rachel what she thought about it, so I'll use her response as a gauge before I decide.

It just wouldn't be fair to Mike if I show up and everybody's giving me disapproving looks, or focusing on ME being there, when that's not the reason for the occasion.  I'm sure you can relate, Steve.  I know you probably had similar thoughts before showing up at the Hollywood Walk of Fame gig.  But, you did anyway, and to hell with who didn't approve, right?  But you didn't have a dead friend there whom you loved, being remembered at the same time, either.  Would you have shown up then?  Part of me feels that rebelliousness too, I'd like to be in their faces, and just smile with my head up high...but the other part of me wishes that I could just be there without anybody really giving a shit one way or the other, and just keep the focus on Mike and the happy memories we all have of him.

Sure, I'd love to see Nesse and Manya and other people that I liked very much while I worked there.  But it's kind of a bummer that THIS has to be the occasion for a reunion.  Pete said, "Yeah, the older we get, it seems like that's the way it goes, you meet at funerals and you haven't seen those people since the LAST funeral...I fully do not expect to see my sister and her husband until mom's funeral too."

I don't like all the crap that goes along with getting old.  I think we should all go on strike against it.  Demand happier occasions.  Better and more fun occasions and events.  Funerals and memorial services are NOT exactly the best place I'd like to be remembered at, by the people I love there.  Ya know?

"She didn't come back at all until Mike's memorial service...who does she think she is?"

Yeah.  Hey, that very well COULD be something that someone says about me, I'm not kidding.  I did go back a few times, actually, but the people who don't like me didn't SEE ME, obviously, because I didn't want to see THEM either.  So, that might be the thing that opens up an old wound, which I don't want to do.  I don't know how much more damage a person can do other than burning a bridge, really, but I'm sure they believe I have done that very thing and more.  There are about a half-dozen people there that I did not get along with, some of whom are in positions of higher hierarchy than I was, and still are.  However, the Chief of Staff (Bill Parsons) still likes me, and would be friendly to me, and perhaps if those other see that HE is nice to me, they might reconsider being negative.  I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about those other idiots, and just go for my friend Mike, and to hell with anyone else who doesn't approve.  But it's a 4 hour drive one-way, Pete would have to take the day off, we wouldn't get home until after midnight, etc....I don't know if I'd feel better or worse afterwards either.

You may think I'm over-exaggerating, or blowing things up out of proportion, but here's an example:

On Facebook, my friend Rachel put the announcement up, and I replied and asked a couple of questions...then another former coworker remarked to Rachel (without so much as a "hi Becky") to say she and her husband would be there, and even stated, "Thank you Rachel," as if dismissing me altogether by ignoring me.  Rachel then remarked to her, that it would be nice to see her.  My questions, however, were ignored, and unanswered by Rachel.  So, I checked my messages, though, and Rachel did answer me there.

But you see, that's how the game is played there.  Rachel knows that this other chick disapproves of me, and because she kind of outranks Rachel, she therefore didn't want to be seen being friendly with me on a public forum.  So she has to do that in private messages instead.  THAT is the kind of stupid fucking bullshit I hated at that place.  My gut says, "Write directly to that other chick on Facebook and say "Hi, it's so NICE to see you again, how have you BEEN? Hope life is treating you well...." (Kill 'em with kindness, they really hate that).  I really feel the urge to do that, just to be a bitch.  Because I can.  And dammit, I'm pretty good at it too.

Then I feel myself sliding back into the "me" I used to be when I worked there.  Haven't I moved on? Wouldn't they expect that of me, giving them the satisfaction of their misjudged opinion of who I am?  "Well SHE hasn't changed a BIT..."  Ya know what I mean?? Shouldn't I just rise above all that shit? Because I can.  And dammit, I am pretty good at doing THAT, too.

Part of me wants to show up and THANK them for making my life hell the last few months of my working there, because without them, and without 9/11, I would have never met my husband Pete, I would never have been able to stop working and stay home doing the decorating that I love to do, and take care of his mom....(blessing or curse is beside the point)...because THANKING them for being jerks to me is something they would never expect, and it would confuse the shit out of 'em.  I like messing with people like that.  It's hard to win a battle of wits with unarmed people, ya know?'

Ah well, then the question comes, are they really WORTH IT??  The answer is a resounding NO. They are not.  I haven't bothered to do any of that since I left on 9/11, and there's really no point in doing it now.  For all I know, they have forgotten all about me anyway, maybe all this is just in my own head as an unresolved conflict that they no longer remember.

Anyway.........stupid complexities of life like this really make my brain hurt.  Why can't things be simple? I'd like to think that I would just show up, remember Mike, visit with the people I like, enjoy the time together with my old family of Survivors and volunteers, and exchange email addresses and phone numbers, taking pictures with them all, and drive back to Pittsburgh feeling a sense of resolution and putting that part of my life behind me once and for all.

The temptation of needing that closure is very strong.  But would it happen like that??  I don't know.  Would it just scrape off the scab on the wound that still feels rather fresh within me??  I don't know.

Do you have these same feelings when you think about showing up at a Journey concert??

Well, it's something I'm pondering today.  Don't know what I'll do yet, but I'll think about it some more.  Mike knows I love him, and I'll miss him, and that's really all that matters to me.  Perhaps being the bigger person and rising above it is the way to go.  But sometimes being a grown-up is really a bummer.

Bye for now.  I love you too Stephen.  Oh, and I just became friends with Julian Lennon on Facebook, which is really cool...I sent him something this morning that I thought was funny (a Mitt Romney quote that made no sense at all), and he said, "Hmm....sorry...didn't do it for me."  I wrote back, and said, "Ahhh, you poor schlub, carry on, I still love ya."

So if I can have a conversation with Julian friggin' Lennon on a public forum, and exchange messages daily with George Takei, why the hell can't you call me up and come over and have some dinner with us one of these days??

Ya bonehead. You can't live in that ivory tower of anti-socialness forever.

I won't bite, unless you want me to.  I promise.

Love, Rebecca