SIGH....another rude awakening.

Good morning Stephen,

5:30 a.m., and I suddenly hear my mother-in-law's voice on our baby monitor thing, (she's on the first floor, we are upstairs), and then I heard MY mom's voice------gadzooks, try living with TWO MOM'S and see how much "fun" it is----NOT------and apparently Florence had fallen while trying to make her way to the bathroom.  She was sitting on her bum in the hallway, calling to her sister (who died a couple decades ago).  I quickly ran downstairs to see what was going on, (awakened from a sound sleep, mind you), so I am rather fuzzy headed when that happens, and I helped my mom lift her up and get her into the bathroom to change her wet clothes.  SIGH.  Turning 90 really sucks, I would NOT recommend it to anyone.

As a matter of fact.....I'll tell you something really personal about myself....(not that you CARE, but what the hell)....when I was 19, I nearly married this guy named Michael (a Journey fan that I started writing to in the pen-pal section of those old Journey fan newsletters in the 80's), and I was getting ready to go meet his family for the first time, so that we could start planning the wedding. He had given me a promise ring for Christmas, and the week between that and New Years' Eve was the planned visit.  However, right before (the DAY before actually) I was to leave for Ohio to meet them, he called me on the phone and told me that he had never loved me, he was just using me to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, and now they were getting back together and he wanted the ring back.

Have you ever felt like somebody stabbed you in the heart?

At that point, I was devastated, I lay in bed for an entire WEEK without bathing, I didn't eat much of anything, (unless my mom MADE me), and I didn't get dressed or anything. I just lay there, like a brain dead zombie, depressed and even feeling somewhat suicidal....I decided at age 19, that I NEVER wanted to get OLD, so I made this promise to myself and to God that when I turn 50, I'm steppin' off this planet once and for all, and to HELL with everybody.

Well.....fast forward.....I am now 43 years old. I found out a decade after his cruel dismissal of me that he did go and marry his ex-girlfriend, they moved to Germany (he had just joined the Air Force so I had planned to travel with him and be a military wife), BUT....they were divorced shortly thereafter.  I guess that's poetic justice for being such a jerk.  However, in the letter he wrote to me about it, (a huge shocker, lemme tell ya, ten years later, a letter comes from him)....and that's when he told me that my DAD had threatened to cause him problems in the military if he married me. (My dad was an idiot, he was only a National Guard recruiter, there wasn't ANYTHING he could do to him at all, but HE didn't know that).

I don't know WHY my dad would do such a thing, but THAT is why Michael dumped me so harshly. Does that make sense now, why I haven't had anything to do with my dad since the age of 22??? Yes, this silly Pittsburgh chick has "daddy issues."  But, somehow a person muddles through without the parent who falls from grace...you muddled thru when your dad left....it wasn't easy though, and the same goes for me...but, we both managed somehow to deal with it.

So....here comes the ripe old age of 50, right around the corner for me....what does a person do, when they make a promise to God at age 19, and suddenly "payment is due," and you're suddenly sitting here thinking, "Hmmm....wonder if I can get an extension?"  Is that terrible of me?  I don't really know how all this God-stuff works, I was raised in a non-denominational church so I don't have a lot of hard-fast "rules" from any one religion to follow...I'm more of a spiritual-minded person, than a religious person.

I just know for SURE that I do NOT want to be 90.  Hell no.  Not with the world going to hell in a handbasket like it already is. What the heck is gonna be LEFT when I get to 90?!  I won't have any social security to depend on, my husband will probably die before I will, and then what am I gonna do? I didn't have any kids, so I won't have anybody to take care of me when the rest of my family is dead and gone...yeah, the whole concept of turning 90 really seems rather bleak to me.

Fifty, however, doesn't seem "old" to me----and you're 62 now, which AGAIN does NOT seem "old" to me at all----so I guess maybe for now, I will try and stick around, unless some bolt of lightening comes outta nowhere on my 50th birthday and fries me to a crisp. (I tell ya, I've only made two of those promises to God, the other was when my Grandmother lay dying in the hospital and I promised that I would forfeit 10 years of MY life if he just let her live 5 more years without pain...but that didn't happen)...then, at age 38, my doctor told me I have Type 2 Diabetes, and "I just shaved 10 years off my life." I thought, "DAMMIT GOD, that's not FAIR!!! You still took 10 from me, but didn't give my grandma ANYTHING?! You rotten bastard!"

I don't make promises to God anymore.

So, Pete slept through this entire thing while his mother sat on the floor, complaining that her right leg hurt, (I swear she's becoming more feeble by the day AND more confused...Alzheimers is awful)... but mix that with bipolar, and holy CRAP what a crazy life I'm living around here.  I never know what I'm gonna get every day when I wake up.  Now, mix THAT with being submissive, and the #1 need of all submissive people (perhaps all human beings even), is to have some kind of SECURE FEELING about things, an established, comfortable routine..........however, there just ISN'T one, with Florence at all. What might have worked yesterday, doesn't work at all today.  I have to wing it, make things up as I go along, try and just figure things out as I go....I've never had a KID, how the hell am I supposed to take care of a 90 year old woman?!

And to think I once had a life, a career, and lots of nooky with boyfriends when I lived in DC.....sigh. Now I'm just a married frumpy housewife taking care of two crazy mom's.

I really don't know how all that happened.  I blinked, and suddenly here I am.

Well, I have to try and get a little more sleep before actually getting up for the day.

Oh, I did send in my 2 questions for the Q&A session, yesterday, (and I now understand why Lora is so busy and didn't write back to me yet...she must have thousands of those questions to read through...what a daunting task THAT must be)....I have to admit, I have read through a couple Q&A things many years ago, and I thought only PRIVILEGED people were allowed to participate, so I never sought it out to do so.  But being INVITED, was rather nice.  And I for one am glad that you still do them from time to time. You definitely don't HAVE to do them anymore at all.  So, thank you for giving me that opportunity.  Even if you don't choose to answer my questions, that's okay, it'll still give you something to toss around in your head with or without me around....and if a person doesn't enhance another person's life in some way like that, cut 'em loose like dead weight.  That's my motto, and that's what I did with my dad years ago.

My questions were:

1. WHEN you go on tour for this new album of yours, will you rehire those boys from FTLOSM?
2. Would you consider doing another "We Are The World" project, and who would you invite to sing along with this time?

I know they aren't the greatest, most earth-shattering questions in the universe, and I'm sure I'm not the ONLY person to ask either question...but, for what it's worth, I do hope you'll consider doing both of those things, if and when the time comes.

Love you like a warm summer day...hope your Monday is a good one my friend.

Love, Rebecca