This world is so messed up.

Hi Stephen,

Hey, I'm sorry for yesterday's blog post....I'm sorry for calling you an old geezer and bitching at you about fucking up the whole world.  I know it's not your fault. You were busy singing and touring for 25 years while everybody ELSE was screwing up everything around you.  There was no internet then, no email, no cell phones....you couldn't even sign online petitions to stop bad things from happening, or preventing stupid laws from being passed, or fighting for someone's civil rights, etc., like I do on an almost-daily basis. You couldn't watch 24 hour news coverage because it didn't EXIST then, either. Sure, you might have read a newspaper once and awhile, but it's hard to keep up with the rest of the world when you're in your own little bubble of chaos---and rock and roll is definitely a world of chaos.

Trayvon Martin.  Can you believe that shit??  Have you read this whole story??  A white man follows, confronts, and shoots a black 17 year old boy for NO REASON, just because he was walking down the street of a mostly white neighborhood in Florida, "wearing a hoody." Geraldo Riviera even SAID that..."maybe if he hadn't been wearing a hoody, he wouldn't have been shot."  WTF???  Doesn't that sound JUST LIKE the old adage, "If that woman hadn't been WEARING A SHORT SKIRT AND LOW-CUT SWEATER, she wouldn't have been RAPED?" When will this bizarre madness STOP??

And what's going on with some woman yelling at Rick Santorum when he was firing guns at a firing range, to "pretend the target is Obama?" That shit should be just as illegal as yelling "fire" in a crowded theater.  Of course, he claims he didn't hear her, and that he rejected such sentiments as "ridiculous," yet he continues to spew HATRED and RACISM, SELF-RIGHTEOUS CHURCHY BULLSHIT and encourages increased AGITATION towards his supporters, as if there is no consequence to expect from his words and actions whatsoever.  Is THAT the type of man you REALLY want to run this country?  I certainly HOPE you're smarter than that, Stephen.  I sincerely do. God help us all if he ever gets elected.

Meanwhile, genocide is still happening in the Sudan, and Darfur, and nobody gives a shit.  Innocent people, thousands, maybe even millions by now, and this has been going on for longer than a DECADE, and yet nobody has bothered to do anything to STOP IT.  Why is that?  Why doesn't anybody care about anyone else anymore? What the hell is going ON in this stupid world of ours, Stephen?  Aren't you fed up with it?  Doesn't it just get you so upset you want to scream?

I can't even watch the news anymore.  I just can't do it.  Even the little snippets that I glean from the internet make me so furious and fed up, I feel like hopeless crap the rest of the day.  I hate this world we live in.  I never EVER dreamed when I was a kid, that when I grew up, it would be so fucked up like it is. There's so much hatred, so much violence, so much anger, sadness, and doom.  Why do we all just put up with it?  Why do we just let it happen, and get worse as each day passes?  It is the most helpless, useless feeling I have ever known.  Why do some people PERPETUATE IT, and keep it going?

......I've been told by many people in my lifetime that "I carry the world on my shoulders too much."

Well, if I don't do it, WHO THE FUCK WILL???  (Watch the film "ATLAS SHRUGGED," based on the book by Ayn Rand.  It'll chill you to the bone).  I believe with all my heart and soul, that Atlas actually HAS shrugged, and now we're all on the Titanic-Apocolypse-Doom-Train, waiting for the end days to come and wipe the human race out completely from existence.  Read the book by Leonard Piekoff, entitled OMINOUS PARALLELS, too, while you're at it.  He was the personal assistant to Ayn Rand for 30 or 40 years, and I started to read it when it first came out, but after not quite making it halfway through, I couldn't read it anymore.  I just couldn't handle it.  It blew my mind.  It horrified me. That book compares our country to Germany---and he proves that we really ARE living in a similar situation as pre-war Nazi Germany, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, in the United States.  Just like Ayn Rand predicted back in the 1930's.  Nobody was listening to her then, and it seems nobody gives a flying fuck about it now either.

Oh how I wish somebody would prove that book wrong.  I wish somebody would prove BOTH books wrong, but ya know what?  I have yet to find anything or anyone that does.  And believe me, I've searched and searched for decades to find that magical cure to all of the world's ailments. There just doesn't seem to BE one.  Why do I keep searching for something that doesn't exist?

How come God has made ME one of those "Atlas" people who carry the world around on their shoulders, lamenting about how everything is doomed, feeling hopeless, helpless, and depressed every day because I can't do anything about it?  I know you can't answer that question, but "welcome to my angst."  It's a question that haunts me every day, all day long, and gnaws at my soul every moment of every waking hour of my life.  Why can't I just be another SCHLUB idiot human being, a lemming, demanding to be spoon-fed everything that I'm supposed to think, believe, and dream about, while putting my OWN thoughts in the toilet and flushing several times throughout life, like everybody else?

Why can't I just be one of the millions of mindless drones who live on the surface of life, never digging any deeper than the surface, never believing in anything deeper, never striving to reach anything deeper. Why can't I just skim along and pretend that I'm happy like everybody else does?

Nobody else is happy either, Stephen, and if they SAY they are, they're lying.  I know that. YOU know that, Pete knows that, my mom knows that....but how come nobody else seems to know that???  I think about death a lot.  I think about the sad ending of Whitney Houston's life, and wonder how mine will end.  Will I too end up with heart disease like she had?  No wonder she was depressed and fell into drugs, there's no cure for heart disease.  It is the number one killer of women.

We are all dying of broken hearts, Stephen, each and every one of us human beings, male or female.  We are all dying of disillusionment, unrealized dreams, disappointments, regrets, life mistakes, stress, dysfunctional hatred and racism surrounding us all, the chaos of the outside world......Whitney knew she was dying anyway, and that's when despair and doom tend to envelope a person when we find that medically doomed stuff out about ourselves.

Ah well, these are just my thoughts of the day.  Just call me "Miss Ray of Sunshine."

Here's the sadness of my life, in the nutshell.......(and yes, I know that my life could be MUCH WORSE, and yes, I know that I should count my blessings and stop complaining)......but, I lament all these world problems, I sign petitions, I send letters online to senators and congressmen, I scream and yell my anger and feminist views on Facebook, my liberal rantings, my COMMON SENSE arguments, and yet, at the same time, while trying to "save the world" by doing those things, I actually HATE this world.  I hate the people who do these things, I want them to just annihilate us all, and get it the fuck over with already.

I tried to teach tolerance for a living, while at the same time, I personally cannot tolerate the human race. So tell me exactly why God had me doing such a stupid ass thing like THAT, for all those years??  I wish somebody could explain that to me.  I really do.

Ah well, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, my buddy, my pal....If you haven't figured it out yet, it seems that most of my 9/11 feelings are flooding back to me, once again, it seems.  So to COUNTER this affliction of mine, I try to escape it....I try to go to happy places, like craft stores, and buy pretty fru-fru crap to make pretty-fru-fru stuff to hang on the walls to look at, to surround myself with the ILLUSION of life being pretty and nice, and fun and happy.  THAT is my existence.  I try to learn how to sew, to make pretty things, to decorate the house we live in, to protect us all from the ugliness of the outside world of evil and denigration.

I try to deny the whole world of De-volution.  Yes, we have all DEVOLVED as a species, haven't we.

But......okay, that's when I try to remind myself of the beauty of spring time all around me, the singing birds, the flowers, the trees in bloom, the cherry blossoms in DC, the ocean, NATURE.......and when spring and summer come, I ache and CRAVE the ocean, and nature, because it seems to be the only goddamned thing in this whole world that makes SENSE, and FEELS GOOD and makes me actually feel a little bit HAPPY. I love being outside, in my back yard with my dog, tossing sticks that she doesn't really fetch much anymore, (she's trained me well to go fetch them myself), and I feel SAFE, and I feel PEACEFUL, and I feel CALM and CONTENT.

Is it any wonder why I want to feel those things more often?  Don't YOU have those same feelings?

Maybe I'm just a lunatic, a crazy bitch, I don't know.  But I would welcome a reprieve of going to a crazy hospital, to be locked up in a little room with a bed and a dresser, and nothing else....like where Pete's son is right now....to just sit and do nothing all day long.  I would WELCOME not having to see the news on t.v., or read newspapers, or have access to the internet.  I would WELCOME not hearing my telephone ring or text messages bling.  I would WELCOME not having to make anybody else breakfast in the morning, not having to take care of anybody else but ME.  That's the irony of this whole thing with Pete's son.....sitting there in that hospital, I feel PANIC, and DESPERATION----hell, I can SMELL the desperation, just like going to the unemployment office, there's a SMELL of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, sadness.....and yet, at the same time, I sit there feeling horrified by it, and yet wishing to God that I could trade places with him.

This is exactly how I felt when I left Michigan the first time, to move to DC and start my life out fresh.  I was in a constant tug-of-war within myself, one minute I'm being an enabling submissive person, helping everybody else, doing things for everyone else, ignoring myself---my true nature, doing what I was pre-programmed before birth to do---the next minute, I'm hating and resenting the fact that nobody is taking care of ME, nobody is helping ME, nobody gives a shit about MY NEEDS---and loathing them all because they only know how to TAKE TAKE TAKE and all the while I just keep GIVING, until there is nothing left of me inside anymore.

Woe is me.  I'm really NOT an attention whore, Stephen, and I hate feeling like one when I write this kind of stuff.  I am usually the person who steps back away from the center of a room, to fade into the wood work, to observe others, to remain quiet and invisible.  That's what I did when I met you the first time, and that's what I feel like doing now.  Just being invisible, and fading into the woodwork.

I guess I'd better just go now.  I love you.

Have a nice weekend, and please excuse my rantings.  Maybe menopause isn't too far away after all.

Love, Rebecca