I want to go to the beach.

Hi Stephen,

I hope you're enjoying the nice weather this week, it's been gorgeous and sunny and I am now experiencing spring fever in a horrible way.  Frustration, agitation, restlessness, irritable feelings, the whole she-bang.  I feel like breaking out of this rut and leaving this godforsaken place behind, and starting over brand new somewhere else, just me, myself and I.

The other day, I was starting to cheer up a little when my friend Barbara and I talked about going to Ocean City Maryland for the Spring Fest Arts and Crafts Show, which they have twice every year.  The first festival is in May, and the second is in September.  I used to go with her every year to the May festival, but if we couldn't do it then, we have also gone a couple times in September. We both agreed, however, that May is MUCH nicer and we had a better time.  It always seemed rainy and cold there in September, and what fun is being on the beach near the ocean if the weather sucks??

So I made reservations, I even asked Pete FIRST about it, and neither of us stopped to think that we may have already had other plans on the calendar.  We discovered it after the fact.  Pete's got us going to the club in Ohio, plus the Rammstein concert is that weekend too, in Cleveland.  SIGH.  I love Rammstein, I've never seen them in concert, so I was really excited when Pete said he got tickets.  We have hotel reservations and everything.

He told me I didn't have to decide right now what I wanted to do, and that I didn't HAVE to cancel Ocean City if I really wanted to go there.  BUT....and here's the kicker....he and I could go to the concert and then come back home Friday morning, and SKIP the rest of the events at the club on Friday and Saturday....which he already has tickets for that as well.....but then he would be home with his mother while my mom and I take off for Ocean City.

MY IDEA was to let HIM go do his thing, I'll see Rammstein, but skip the club events, he can still go there with his friend Lisa (besides, I'm not exactly enthused by her tagging along with us every time we go to Ohio either), and then I can go do MY thing in Ocean City with my mom like I wanted to, and we can HIRE the nurse for Florence, to work the whole weekend while we are gone.  I think that solves everything and makes everybody happy, which is my entire purpose on this earth, I guess, because I always try to find win-win situations as often as I can.  It's really quite maddening though.  Ya know why? Because there's always ONE person who isn't happy, EVEN when it's a WIN-WIN situation.

Pete says it'd be "too expensive" to have the nurse all weekend, (even though his MOTHER is paying for it, because it is care for HER), and so he says I can just go do my thing, and he would just come home, and it wouldn't be any fun at the club events without me anyway.

Nothing like laying a guilt trip on me, right??  It seems to be the way of that generation, I guess.  My mom does it too. Why the hell is that??  Why do you, and my mom, and Pete, do that shit??  I know you do it, don't try to lie to me Stephen, I know you.

You old people really suck, ya know that??  Every last goddamned one of ya.  In fact, because I am in a snarky mood, I'll even go so far as to say, NONE of us would have as many problems in this world if YOUR generation, and my mother's, had never existed.  Why the hell God wiped out an entire generation of Jewish children during the Holocaust, but allowed stupid drug-addicted hippies to fuck up the world instead, I'll never figure out.

Anyway....so I stick out my tongue at you just for being an old geezer.

Now, my compromise was this....because, as you know, I'm a fucking enabling stupid idiot, and I'm handicapped with submissive tendencies, to please everybody else, even if I am miserable....I decided, "Okay, fuck it, I won't go in May. Pete and I are going to camp anyway at the end of May, so it'll be a busy time, and we'll have the nurse coming in more at that point too.  I will just postpone my trip to OC until September, which is when my mom's birthday is anyway, so that works out just fine."

Then I tell Pete this, and he says, "We have that trip scheduled to VA Beach that last weekend in September."  I very nearly reached through the phone and punched his face.  Luckily for HIM, I looked at the dates and it will work out fine---I will go the weekend BEFORE that, then I'll come back, and in a few days he and I will take off for VA Beach------so I will have TWO WEEKENDS IN A ROW at the BEACH, on the OCEAN.  Yay for me!!  THAT is the kind of life I want in the summer.  Not sitting around this house with 2 old ladies, bored off my ass and lonely all the goddamned time.

But then Pete gets home from work and says, "Oh. You postponed it?  I thought you would just CANCEL the whole thing until September gets closer, to decide if you still want to go or not...and THEN make the reservations."

GRRRRRRRR.  There is NO PLEASING THAT MAN.  It drives me fucking insane.  No matter WHAT I do, he's never happy about it.  Whatever I decide, he has to bitch about it.  If I suggest he do something, he'll do the exact opposite.  Usually, when he does this, I just clam up and let it go.

This time, however, without even skipping a beat, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Oh, don't worry, I AM going, come hell or high water, I don't give a SHIT what else is going on with you people in this house, but I AM GOING."  He just remained silent, like a good little boy, when he sensed that one more word from his mouth would land him a fist right on it.

You know I'm not a violent person, Stephen.  I don't even like WRITING violent stuff like that.  It makes me cringe inside, because I really wouldn't do that.  But lemme tell ya, though, sometimes I FEEL LIKE DOING THAT.  Lately, I have felt like telling him off, his mother, and mine, grabbing the dog and some clothes, and just getting the hell out of here for GOOD.

You see, not many people understand this about me....I have always been single.  I have always been alone.  I need my alone time.  I need to get away sometimes.  I don't handle stress very well, and when it becomes too much, I tend to become a bitch on wheels.  And hey, guess what, that time is now.  I'm feeling bitchy, I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling frustrated--------every time Pete and I go somewhere, to be alone, he is on his goddamned telephone the entire time.  So I just sit there, bored to death, not speaking, not contributing anything, and feeling totally IGNORED.  It's just so damned RUDE.  I really HATE IT when people you're with sit there and talk to someone ELSE on their cell phones, when you are the one they are SUPPOSED to be paying attention to.  Yeah, sure it might be important, but ya know what? THAT'S WHAT VOICEMAIL IS FOR.  Call them back LATER.  It can wait until after we get home.

So I got my little 15 minutes of gush-gush this morning, woo hoo, yay for me, can't wait until next month.  Maybe I'll get 20 minutes next time.  I used to get 45 to 90 minutes every time, twice a WEEK or more.  And you wonder why it makes a person irritable?  I MISS THAT A LOT.  I've told Pete I miss that a lot.  I have mentioned that we need to make time for US, and TO HELL with everybody else, because frankly I'm not getting enough SEX and I'm fed up with it.  I know HE doesn't get enough either, and I TRY to be there for him, I TRY to give him bj's as often as I can.  But even when we talk about it, and AGREE to make more time, it all just goes in one ear and right out the other one, he doesn't seem to understand what I am saying, nor does he seem to care, and then it makes ME feel the same way, I just don't care anymore.

The thing is, though, he just wants to make out.  Yeah.  Kissing.  He seems to enjoy that a lot.  I guess I'm somewhat handicapped in that area, too, though.  Most boyfriends I've had never really did a lot of foreplay stuff like that.  I'm one of those chicks who doesn't NEED all that kissy stuff.  I mean, sure, I need SOME foreplay, but Pete obviously needs a lot of kissing, I guess, and so he is always kissing on me all the time.  I feel claustrophobic and smothered when he does it though, and I push him away sometimes because I just can't breathe when he's smothering me.  I have never really had a boyfriend that I sat and just "made out" with for an hour, though, ya know?  There were always...other things...to do.

I have to work on this bj class I'm supposed to teach.  I haven't done a thing yet.  I don't even know that I really WANT to do it, to be honest, because I don't want to have to do every damned year, and I know for SURE that people would WANT a bj class every damned year at camp.  It's like opening a Pandora's box, really.  Ya give 'em an inch....LOL....well, you know the saying.  (Kinda funny in this instance).

Pete even wants me to teach a bj class at an upcoming event here in Pittsburgh, but I'm not so sure I care to.  I don't know these people here very well and I don't feel comfortable---because WHO KNOWS who might complain or criticize or cause me grief about it----but at CAMP, I know just about everybody and I feel more comfortable around them, because I've been around most of them for 10-12 years of my life.  I wouldn't get ANY condemnation or complaints from my camp family, that's for sure.

Ah well, so I told Pete I am penciling in the 2013 calendar with things I WANT TO DO, with or without him, and I'm GOING to DO them, come hell or high water.  I want MY LIFE back.  I've lost me, I've been telling him that for several years now, but he doesn't get it.  I don't really know how else to say it, really, but I miss the "me" I used to be.  The "me" I am right now, is NOT who I ever wanted to become.  I never even ASPIRED to become this person.  I REJECTED being a housewife, I REJECTED being a caregiver, I never ever wanted any of this.

What I WANT is to be with Pete, more often, ALONE, without a PHONE ringing, without his constant distractions of every car on the highway that he calls "Buddy," no matter if they do something or not, he pays more attention to THEM than to ME while he's driving.  He doesn't even notice anymore that I no longer start a conversation when we're in the car.  There's no point to it.  He doesn't remember it anyway, he interrupts it all the time, and all it does is leave me feeling sad and upset.  So why bother.

Pete is easily distracted by everything ELSE, he has A.D.D. and it really gets on my nerves.  SHINY THING!!! And off he goes, forgetting the task at hand, the moment we're in, the things we are talking about....doesn't matter.....it's all gone and he's off and running in a totally different direction.  He has the attention span of a GNAT, and frankly it pisses me off sometimes.  I know I'm not the most patient human on this planet, I admit that freely, but come ON.....at LEAST I have a longer attention span.

Well, I have to go because now my MOM is texting me and I'm going to break her fingers.  I can't even have 15 goddamned minutes to myself to write on this fucking blog.  I'm tellin' ya Steve, this is really starting to aggravate me to the point of wanting to leave.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca