A very blah and crappy day for me.

Hi Steve,

I've been feeling like a caged bird all day today.  I am restless and bored, and I just feel like my life really isn't MINE.  I need a vacation.  I've just been feeling like I am STUCK here, doing things I have no interest in doing, living with annoying old people who bug the hell outta me, and I'm fed up with the whole mess.  I swear I had my suitcase out today, ready to pack and get the hell away from here.

So, I just made reservations for a trip to Ocean City Maryland.  I'll be going with my friend Barbara and my mom too.  I've been there many times, but my mom has never been there before.  I think she'll like it a lot. My friend Barbara and I used to go there every year in May, for the Spring Fest Arts and Crafts Show.  I haven't been there in 3 years, so I'm really looking forward to it.

I haven't been to DC in 3 years to see the cherry blossoms either, and that makes me feel very sad.  I loved going there every year to see them.  Pete's step-daughter, Heather, is there visiting right now for the first time and she was texting me all day long, so I feel homesick for my old stomping ground.  I miss DC, especially this time of year.  I was actually crying while she was texting me, so I know it's causing me upset just thinking about it, and my stress level is really high.

I had a text message with Pete today too, asking him when "our life" would actually ever be OURS??  He is thinking that we may need to bring his son Nathan back here to live with us for awhile, but my only concern is that he's MENTAL and mix that with his mother who is also MENTAL, seems like too much for me to handle.  I told him that if we got RID of his mom, and put her into a home permanently, THEN I think I could handle Nathan for awhile.  But, frankly, I don't want either one of them here with us.

Funny, but I thought getting married meant that the man and I would be living ALONE, in our own house, just the two of us, and enjoying life together.  Not having crazy family members moving in and taking over everything and dictating how MY life is going to be every day.

Maybe I'm selfish, I don't know, but I have been SINGLE and FREE for 40 years out of my 43 years on this planet, and I really MISS that FREEDOM.  I'd like to get into my car and take off to DC, just to spend the day looking at the cherry blossoms, and then come back home later in the evening, by myself. But that's not possible.  Nope.  I have to be a babysitter to a 90 year old pain in my ass woman who drives me up the friggin' wall every damned day.

I'm not happy.  Maybe you haven't figured that out yet, but there you go, blunt and to the point.  And in case you're wondering, yes, Pete knows that too.  When I go to him to vent about his mother, he tells me he understands.  However, I pointed out to him today that he's been telling me that for THREE YEARS, which is NOW translating into, "I understand how you feel but I really don't CARE."  And frankly that is starting to really grate on my last nerve.  NO OTHER WOMAN ON THIS PLANET would put up with his mother for 3 years like I have.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.

I told Pete today, that either we put his mother into a home, (which is a difficult thing to do, because we both know she wouldn't live very long there, and neither of us wants to give her a death sentence like that), or if she STAYS here and he brings his son home too, then I AM GOING TO DIE INSIDE, and he'll LOSE ME.  He wrote back that he chooses me to live, and we'll be calling a nursing home to make arrangements for his mother.

I'm not the type of person to give someone an ultimatum like that, life is just too full of changes and things to pin things down like that too much.  But, this whole thing with Pete's mom is just too much, and if he adds his damned mentally messed up son to the mix, I'm going to pack my bags and leave him. I just cannot deal with it anymore.  I've put up a good 3 year fight to deal with it, but it is killing me slowly and I'm past the point of being burned out.

I'm looking forward to this vacation to Ocean City, I don't give a SHIT what he does with his mother while I'm gone, I don't care if she's left alone, I don't care if he is here with her, I don't care if he hires somebody ELSE to take care of her. That is HIS problem, not mine.  If he can't or won't take a vacation with me, then to HELL with him, I'll just go with MY friend and MY mother, and he can sit HOME.

Anyway, so I've been feeling like crap all day, just miserable, and I feel like eating all sorts of bad stuff to gain every pound I've lost right back again, because I really just don't give a shit anymore.  I already have the doomed feeling that we won't be going to camp after all this year, because of his goddamned son, and so why the hell should I bother losing weight anymore?  That was my motivation, but if we can't go, then screw it.  I'll just go back to being my fat self and that's that.

Don't get me wrong, Stephen, I love his mom.  I love Nathan too.  But I don't love having to take care of these people.  They feel like DEAD WEIGHTS around my neck, and I cannot handle it anymore.  My purpose on this earth is NOT to take care of somebody else's family members who are mental.  My PURPOSE is to teach kids about the Holocaust.  But, as we all know, that purpose will never be realized, and my whole life is a total fucking waste of time.

So I will continue to feel caged, and stuck, and fed up until May.  My 44th birthday is looming, my YOUTH is slipping through my fingers, and I'm so sick and damned tired of not being able to LIVE the way I want to LIVE.  I just want to be in a peaceful place, I want to be able to relax, do some yoga, eat right, be calm, have little or no stress, and be left ALONE from everybody scrambling to get my attention.  I want people to just leave me the hell alone.  I don't want to be a goddamned slave anymore, I never did in the FIRST place, and so I'm at the point now where, either his mother goes, or I will go.

MY mom was supposed to be planning to move to England, to live with my sister, at some point this year, but so far she hasn't mentioned WHEN that will happen.  I'm going to have to ask her about it, but the last time I did, she said, "What, are you trying to get rid of me?"  So, it really bugs me when she shuts the conversation down like that, and I just let it go.  I just want to be able to walk around NAKED IN MY HOUSE, you know?????  Without worrying if the mom's might see my naughty bits and freak the hell out about it.  I like being NAKED in my HOUSE, and even sleeping naked too, when the summer time breeze comes through the bedroom windows at night.

I want ALONE time with Pete, too, but that's rare.  We don't even have much of a sex life anymore, which I am sure you're thinking, "Oh my GAWD, too much information."  But there ya go.  I need more than I'm getting, frankly, and I haven't had a good spanking in weeks, and I'm frustrated and need some long-time-gush-gush but he's working late this week and I won't get it unless I give it to myself.

So my stress level is at an all-time high right now, and I don't want to add to Pete's stress either, but at the same time, who the hell ELSE can I go to and talk to about it, if not my husband???

Don't ever get married Stephen.  Just don't do it.  I don't care how gorgeous your lady in red is, or how sweet and lovable she might seem.  Don't get married.  Ever.  It's really not what it's cracked up to be.
Today is a day that I wish I were still single, and living in DC, having my life the way I want it.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca