Birthday week is over....and I'm pooped!

Hi Steve,

I hope you've enjoyed your week MAKING A NEW ALBUM......or whatever you did....hehehehe!

It's Friday, and I have the whole weekend to myself.  Pete has gone to DC to attend a rope dojo event with Midori....(google her...she's amazing).  Anyway, I didn't feel like getting back into a car for a long ride after going to and from Michigan on Monday and Tuesday, so he's on his own this time.  I would have loved to have seen the cherry blossoms, they are finally peaking now...but, I've seen them every year that I lived there.  Pete has never seen them, so he'll get to go without me and see them himself.

Pete did a no-no last weekend, that I mentioned briefly in one of my posts.  He invited a woman over to our house to have a massage, and then she stayed overnight in our guest bedroom.  I noticed the pillows and sheets were not the way I had made them before I drove to Michigan.  But he never mentioned that he would be inviting someone over, nor did he know her very well.  He didn't even TELL me about it, until I cornered him in front of my best friend Laurie about it.  He had chatted with her a few times online, but didn't know her last name, or anything about her, other than she seemed nice and wanted a massage.  Now, only 2 days after the incident occurred, she has disappeared from the web site completely.  I really don't like having strangers in my house like that, ya know?  Just not cool.  And for him to try and LIE about it, really is beyond anything I will tolerate.

So, needless to say, I told him that I don't trust him anymore.  Trust is the biggest stumbling block for me when it comes to relationships, (and I'm sure I'm not alone in that).  I told him that, if our lifestyle of playing well with others is going to ruin OUR relationship, then he's not mature enough to handle it, and we will just QUIT going to dungeons and parties, and stop the whole thing from getting out of hand.  If we're not of the same mentality, same maturity, and same page of the rules we have when we play with others, then it is inevitable that we will fall apart as a couple.

Until this point, I have not pursued anyone as a regular play partner, because I KNEW Pete wasn't going to be able to handle it very well yet.  He SAYS he could, but I know he can't.  So I'm just biding my time.  But I told him, "My time WILL come, and it WILL be something I definitely intend to pursue."  So, I said, "I really hope she was worth it, because you've lost my trust now."  And he has.  How can I stay married to somebody I no longer trust around other women?  I don't know if he was platonic with her or not.  There's nothing I can do about it either way, but I can definitely be upset.

Now, I have never EVER found a man who was worth fighting over, so if any chick decides she wants Pete for herself----he's YOURS honey.  Go ahead.  And I've told him this too.  I won't fight for him.  Until he proves himself WORTH fighting for, he can skip out and leave me anytime he wants to.  I might be hurt for awhile, sure, but being alone is better than being miserable in a loveless relationship.

So this weekend, he'll be attending this event with our friend Judy.  He has played with Judy on several occasions, and I have known her a long time, (before I met him), so I feel very confident that she is not ever going to be the type of chick who would pose a threat of any kind.  She doesn't even let him give her a happy ending when he massages her.  We sat down with her and told her our rules, and she's abided by them every time.  So, I'm cool with her.  I don't care if he goes to spend the weekend there, and he's sleeping on an air mattress in her tiny condo, which is fine with me.

The thing is, if anything OTHER than platonic stuff happens, I will eventually know about it.  And he'll RUE THE DAY he ever met me.  I don't like being duped, I don't like being lied to, and I don't like it when he sneaks around trying to fool me about something.  He's not very good at it either.  So I told him, don't do that shit again.  This was a really REALLY bad move, and unless he WANTS me to be EX-wife #3, he should stop and think real hard about it before it ever happens again.

I know he's not perfect, neither am I.  But if we don't have honest communication about everything, EVEN if it involves another person, then we don't have SHIT.  And if all we have is SHIT, there's no point in me banging my head on a brick wall trying to flush it.  Let the shit overflow, cause I'm OUT.
He can have all the shit he wants to create, and he can lay in it after he creates it.  The thing about every man I've ever been with, is that they tend to think I'm stupid, and take me for granted because I'm too damned NICE to them.  That's what ends up happening, they think they can walk all over me, because I'm submissive and HE'S THE DOM---HE can go and do anything he wants, and he expects ME to sit on my knees naked, waiting for him to come home so I can suck his cock when he walks through the door.  Pet me on the head, call me a "good girl," and then ignore me the rest of the evening.  That's what men really want.

Don't even try to deny it, Steve, I won't believe you anyway.  You know it's true.  That would be the ideal relationship in most men's eyes, there would be little or no talking, there would be no drama, no conflict, no jealousy, nothing....just a convenient store female, on her knees, bringing him a beer, and sucking him off whenever he needs it.  Which is every moment of every damned day apparently.  That's what most men want out of a woman.  I have been used so many times like that, I cannot even begin to tell you every story of aggravation that I've endured over the years.

I never wanted to be married.  To anybody.  Ever.  And THIS is one of the biggest reasons WHY.  Men just simply cannot be monogamous.  It's not in their nature.  They just do not have the capability to be with one person for an entire lifetime.  Why then, do they get married at all?  This is the BS that annoys me about marriage.  It's created BY men, FOR men, so that their laundry will get done, their food will be cooked and served, and the messes will be cleaned up for them.  It's to control the woman, to take over her property, her dowery, and she then became his property by marrying her.  That's how history has explained the act of marriage in most cultures since the dawn of mankind ever existed.

What the FUCK do women get out of it exactly?  Yippy, I have a roof over my head.  I had one without him.  Yippy, I have food in the fridge.  I had plenty of food in my own fridge without him.  Yippy, I get to clean up all his messes.  I didn't HAVE to clean up anything on my own if I didn't feel like it.  I could come and go as I pleased, and never had to answer to anybody else.  I spent most of my life as a single career-minded woman, living and working in Washington DC, kicking butt and taking names, being tough, and determined to make it on my own.

Yayyy I get to change my last name.  That's about it. That's about the only thing a woman gets out of marriage.  She expects him to take care of her, but the reality is, it's all a sham, and HE wants HER to take care of HIM.  This is something I have been totally annoyed by all my life.

So why the HELL did I get married???

Good question.  Been asking myself that question a lot this week.  Wondering if I could pack up my shit this weekend and just be gone when he gets back.  The thought DID occur to me.  But, I am an idiot, and I am going to let it go this time.  I'm just going to wait and see how things unfold.  We have been together for five years so far.  But we'll see just how long I'll stick around.

Anyway, I am still very tired from driving so much this week, so I'm going to go watch an old movie on Turner Classic Movies, and then go to bed early.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  I mean nothing personally towards YOU as a man, by any of it.  But it does help me to vent sometimes.  Pete's trying to be extra nice to me now, which only bugs me more.  He knows he screwed up though, and he knows that if he were still married to those other 2 bimbo's from his past, they would not put up with it AT ALL.  So am I being stupid, by letting it go?  I figure, if he's a cheater (and he was with wife #1, and then married the woman he cheated with as wife #2 in a rebound relationship), he'll always be a cheater and there's nothing I can do to ever change that about him.

I can, however, remove myself from the equation.

So, live and learn, wait and see, and prepare for the worst.  That's my motto. (I'm a bit of a pessimist).

Let's hope I'm wrong about him, but my gut says, he'll do it again.

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca