Dear Steve,
I just LOVE this sexy photo of you....thought I'd share it here just for the heck of it. A little eye candy for me to start the week out right!! How are you doing? I hope you enjoyed your Fathers Day weekend with your family and friends. I gave Pete some tools, and he loved them. I never send my own dad a card or anything though. I have no feelings of "dad" towards him at all. He was just the sperm donor in my life, really. Not worth my time and energy. Haven't talked to him in over 25 years.
For me, the weekend was okay....Friday night Pete took me to see Kenny G.....(I'm not a big fan). I'd MUCH rather listen to Richard Elliot or Boney James on saxophone....or Clarence Carter. Ya know? But, okay, Kenny G was replacing Chris Botti who apparently couldn't make it. We left early though. There is only so much Kenny G a person can take. When the theme from Titanic started, that was IT. (Good movie, but annoying just the same).
Then Saturday we attended a play party at a local dive bar that apparently rents out the downstairs for private parties. Nothing like being naked in a public VANILLA place!! hehehehe Ya gotta love it. Those silly vanilla people are all upstairs playing pool, listening to crappy music on a juke box, and watching sports on a t.v., while we're all downstairs, getting naked, painting ourselves with neon glow paint, (the theme of the party was "get your glow on"), and doing things you cannot even IMAGINE.
Speaking of which....if Neal Schon ever got wind of this idea, look out Michaela....and every other female in his vicinity....but, I witnessed, and actually snuck a photo of, a scene that involved this guy who is a scientist (for real), and who apparently knew how to hook up a TENS unit with sticky tabs that he attached to a woman's nether regions, and then played the GUITAR, with lots of REVERB, to make the vibrations on the tabs go wild....it was hideously horrid to listen to, of course, but to watch the chick squirm all over, and see how awesome it affected her...well, that's just priceless.
The guitar scientist then hooked up the TENS unit pads to a GUY'S jiggly bits down below, and you should have SEEN him!! It was like he was struck by lightening, electrocuted, AND epileptic, all at the same time!! I yelled, "He gives new meaning to GANGNAM STYLE!" and everybody roared.
Yeah, that's how I roll. I'm fun as hell at parties!!
Here's the photo I snuck....the guy's bare butt on the left, and the scientist guy with his guitar on the right! I'm not just making this up ya know!! Sorry the photo is so dark though. Can't really reveal any names or faces, for privacy reasons, but it was a must to take the picture, or nobody would ever believe me!! Seriously, it was fun to watch.
Ya know what I just thought of?!! THAT could be your new gimmick!!! Just hand every female who comes to your awesome 2013 comeback concerts one of those TENS unit pads with instructions on where to strategically place it, hook up all the wires to the guitars on stage, and then get Lincoln Brewster and whoever else to jam awhile----hell, you wouldn't have to do a THING except WATCH----and I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you, those women will be useless puddles on the floor when you're done. Even if you shriek like an elephant on helium, they won't care!!! They'll be in ecstasy!! WOOOOO!!! You would get RAVE reviews all over the country!!'
I'm actually quite surprised that Rammstein hasn't done this already!
Ahhhh, what a visual. I love to give you funky wild visuals from time to time. You must share in my visions Sir!! I have seen some pretty wild stuff in dungeons, like people hanging 30 feet off the ground with hooks in their backs....but, a guitar hooked up to a TENS unit?! That is something new!! I love how damned creative people in the BDSM community can be. I really do.
I kept yelling "Freebird," and "Hey can you play FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE?!" hehehehehehe Because I do have a TEENSY bit of sadist in me don'tchaknow. Keeps people on their toes!!
Yeah, I know, I'm fun that way. That's just how I roll. You and I gotta hang out more often, dude, you'd laugh yourself silly. I'm one damned funny hag-n-a-half....and three quarters....but for YOU, I will only charge 50 cents.
Ahem. Onto other news.....this is more serious....it's about a drama in my life that has finally ended.
I made quite a stunning discovery yesterday----on a total fluke. Just out of the blue, I suddenly remembered who our new friend Julie reminded me of. It sparked an evening of internet sleuthing, and discovery, that led to some heartache, a tiny bit of anger, and a whole lot of closure. Pete was working most of the day yesterday, so after getting groceries with my mom, I was watching an old movie "Dark Passage," with Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, and Agnes Moorhead. AWESOME FLICKAGE!! Anyway, so yeah, I'm a Turner Classic Movie addict. Anywhoooo....
I suddenly remembered who the heck this Julie chick reminds me of, (Julie is a chick we met at a recent brunch who is new to the whole BDSM thing, though she and her husband do go to swingers clubs), and the reason it bugged me was because Pete has started to play with her on occasion. She's really cool, I like her a lot, but there was something about her that made me feel a bit on edge. Something about her that struck me as a negative vibe. I just couldn't figure it out.
But suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, "Oh my God, she reminds me of a chick I worked with in DC before I moved to Pittsburgh...a chick named Charlene, that I became friends with, and who is also submissive....and whom I eventually introduced to Peter, my ex." I was trying, in my own weird way, to help him find someone else to be Dominant with, after I left, so that he wouldn't miss me too much.
Well. That kinda backfired on me. Or, if you look at it differently, I guess it worked out.
Turns out, when I looked up her name on Google, and then on Bing, it seems that her last name was changed shortly after I left DC (assuming it was changed back to her maiden name), and then, as I was sleuthing a bit, up popped a photo of her in a wedding dress, with Peter, the two of them holding hands, standing on the caboose of a train, getting MARRIED. In 2011.
I sat there, stunned. I blinked a few hundred times. I re-read the article several times. I just sat there, with a myriad of emotions washing over me.
That was definitely Charlene, alright. She has gained some weight too. And there was Peter, with his back to the camera, but I know it was him because I'd recognize him anywhere. Not only that, but his name was in the caption, and it stated that he felt getting hitched in a caboose was fitting because his dad worked for a train company for over 30 years (and he worked on a train for several years too). So his love of trains is huge. The woman I was FRIENDS with and introduced to him, was now his WIFE?!! Holy CRAP!!
Instantly I felt my blood boil. How DARE they get MARRIED?! I just thought they might play together here and there...wasn't sure if they would be compatible. And SHE was married to somebody else TOO!! WTF happened?!! So then, of course, with my chronic "gotta know WHY" syndrome, I had to know what the hell led to that wedding on a train caboose, with his daughter as a flower girl in the same photo. Peter was married to Lynn for most of his life. Did he get divorced? I guess that would be karma if he did. I just had to know.
After a half hour of looking through various web sites, I finally learned, sadly, that Lynn died in 2009 at the age of 49. I don't know the cause of death, but from the things he used to talk to me about her, she was horribly depressed. I wouldn't doubt if it was a suicide. But, I can't seem to find any cause of death anywhere at this point, without paying for the information, and frankly Peter's just not worth it to me to really do that. I never knew her or anything either. I just knew that her depression was mostly CAUSED by Peter's cheating all the time.
Soooooo....it's amazing what a person can learn just from an hour online.
Looking back in hindsight....I moved here with Pete in September 2008. July 2, 2009 is the date that Lynn died....8 months after I left. At that point, I was STILL mourning my relationship with Peter, and the date of his last email to me, where he told me to leave him alone, coincides with that time period too. So there were lots of bad things going on for him at that point, with a job loss, 3 kids to support and care for after his wife died, etc. No WONDER he was upset at me for writing to him. I was just one more thing to deal with, and he just couldn't handle it. I understand that now. At the time it happened, though, I had NO IDEA WHY he would react in such a hateful way.
He's changed jobs twice, and Charlene's resume states that she left the company I was working with her at in 2010. Yeah, I got a copy of her resume. I have a copy of the photo too. I have other info that I printed out too. Just to have that closure I have needed for so long. .....and I'll add it all to the journals I kept while I was in a relationship with him. I still have a journalist's blood in me. Need an ending.
But, strangely, after my first few moments of hurt, upset and anger, now I feel that I am FINALLY done with the whole thing, FINALLY done with Peter. And there's no feeling of 'revenge' or anything like that, (that I once felt when I first moved here and he dumped me cold), because his wife already paid the ultimate price....being married to him, knowing he was cheating on her all the time, is probably what killed her. And I'm sure the GUILT Peter has endured ever since her death is enough karma.
But Charlene was someone I considered a real friend. And sure, I introduced them at lunch one day, and suggested that they might want to play at some point. I saw no harm in that. But I never DREAMED that she would marry him though. At the time, she was married to a guy who was related to Karl Rove. (yeah, I know, BLEAH). But she was fun, she was upbeat, smart, and just a cool chick I liked hanging around with. She also confided her submissive side to me, and we shared that secret about me too, so we felt a kinship. Or, at least, I thought we did. I missed her a lot too when I moved.
And it explains also, why SHE got so upset with me when I felt angry at Peter, and wrote me a lengthy email telling me I am a horrible rotten person for being angry with him for dumping me like he did, (she didn't know that he kept promising to remain friends after I moved), and how ashamed I should feel for thinking about revenge. It now dawns on me that she was already entangled with him even then, right after I left. She was defending her new Dom, and dealing with an imminent divorce and stress herself.
Karma is like that I guess. It all makes sense to me now. And frankly, it's a huge relief.
What a drama. I'm glad I'm completely done with it. Now I know what happened in his life after I left, and now it all makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle have all fallen into place, and I can see the bigger picture. It no longer hangs in the cobwebs way in the back of my brain, wondering what he's doing now, wondering if he's happy, etc. It's all over. In a way, it had a happy ending for them both, and for that I'm glad....but it still hurt me a little bit to see that wedding photo. One of those pangs in the heart. It was a horrible ending for Lynn though, and I have always felt sorry for her. I still would like to know how she died, but my gut instinct knows she probably overdosed, or somehow committed suicide. To my knowledge, she wasn't sick or anything. But, it really doesn't matter anymore.
Ah well. I've not mentioned any of this to Pete though. There's really no need to. Besides, we've had a bit of an episode going on ourselves with his mom. She fell twice yesterday at the nursing home, and the first time she just got a small cut on her elbow so they put a band-aid on it. The second time, though, she got a huge gash in her hip. They didn't see how she fell, but she HAD to have fallen against a table or something for it to need stitches like they said it did. They took her to the ER and she's still in the hospital today.
She has no fractures or hip breakage or anything serious, but she did need 4 stitches, and is now doing physical therapy until she gets back to the nursing home. Not only THAT, but Pete learned (quite by accident), that his evil cousin Lynn (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT NAME), is here in town and wanted to visit Flo at the nursing home. This Lynn lives in Allentown, nearly 6 hours away. She is one of the two cousins who put Flo into a nursing home without Pete's knowledge, and put their names on her will after removing HIS. Yeah, what a peach. She hasn't called or seen Florence in FOUR YEARS. My gut says, she wants money from her again. That's the only time she ever makes an effort to see her or call her. I really loathe this woman. Pete says, "Don't worry, I won't invite her to the house." I said, "If you do, I'm telling you now, she will never leave except in a wheel barrow to be buried behind our barn."
Yeah, I know that sounds rather evil of me. I'm really NOT a violent person. But this woman was an evil bitch, putting Flo away, spending Flo's money and adding her own name to Flo's will.....that's just unforgivable. She's not welcome in my house, not now, not ever. Pete called her, left a voicemail, and she hasn't called him back. I'm sure she was shocked to find out that PETE knew she was even in town. (Thanks to the secretary at the nursing home for letting him know that). She knows that if she needs to borrow money from Flo, she'll have to call Pete, and Michael (his brother-in-law accountant) who is handling her finances. I sincerely doubt that Flo would even remember who she is anymore, even if she DID show up to visit her.
I predict, with great and heavy sadness on my heart, that Flo is near the end of her life. She's 92. She's weak, frail, her memory is shot, the Alzheimers is taking its awful toll, and I just don't expect to see her make it to Christmas. But that is my own private thought, I haven't said that to Pete or anything. He and I were going to visit her on Sunday, but he had to go in to work unexpectedly because of a huge deadline coming up. So, we didn't go. I feel guilty that we didn't, now, knowing that she's fallen down and hurt herself. We're going to see her at the hospital in a few hours when he gets home from work.
So, with all that going on in Pete's world, I don't think mentioning the whole thing about Peter is rally necessary. I don't know that it would affect him one bit, to be honest. But, it definitely has affected me, in a good way.
The official word to my ex, from me, is the following:
"Dear Peter, and Charlene....I am glad the two of you are together. I'm sorry for the loss of Lynn, and I know how hard that must have been on your kids too. You've both been through some hard times in the past 4 or 5 years since I left, and for that I am only glad to see you've both made it through those hard times, and are now together and happy and making a family once again. The wedding photo on the caboose really was quite touching to see. All the things that transpired between you and I now make sense to me, and I feel closure. I'm sorry that it has taken this long for me to come to that point. But I feel relief, and I feel that everything has come full circle. Good luck to you both. I wish you every happiness and success in your life together from this day on."
Sure, they don't give a rat's ass about anything I have to say one way or the other, but it felt good to ME to say it. It helps me to KNOW it. Now I can put it away where it belongs, in the past. Done and over with. That is not an easy point to get to in life, or in a relationship with someone you loved so much.
I'm sure you agree with that, Steve. Sorry for dumping all this on ya, my friend, but as you can see, you're sadness about Kellie is a sadness for me too, because of the hurt I've been dealing with over Peter all these years. I know how it feels. I hope that you can and will reach that closure about her too, with a sense of relief, and peace in your heart. Someday it will all make sense to you too, the way things happened, and why. But for now, just be patient with yourself, let yourself get through the grief and take your time, and forgive yourself for hanging on to it so long. It's only natural to do that.
And by telling you all of MY drama, you now know (I hope), that you're not the ONLY one who holds on to grief for so long. You are not alone.
Have a great week, and I hope by now Lora has given you the card I mailed. There will be a couple more arriving soon, from my friends Kathy and Kim in VA Beach. We all love you very much!!
Bye for now. Hugs to you.
And finally, some peace of mind for me.
----Rebecca
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