I hope you are doing well with the melanoma issue. Been thinking about that a lot lately. Our friend Simon is dealing with the same issue, out in Cupertino. On top of that, he's in the middle of a nasty divorce, he hasn't seen his daughter in months, and he was even put in jail for a weekend because his soon-to-be-EX actually told the police that he threatened her...when he never did. So, now it's a custody battle, and he's unable to work because he's taking Inferon (a melanoma medication), that makes his brain all foggy and he finds it difficult to concentrate. He has an autoimmune deficiency disease too, and his meds for that are outrageously expensive. He's lost everything.
So....I guess my point is, you're not alone....and it could be much worse. Just take care of you.
Yeah, so the what if's of all that I told you the other day have been on my mind too. That is Peter, my ex-boyfriend/Dom, with his back to the camera, holding the bride's hands. That woman used to be my friend Charlene that I worked with, and I'm the one who introduced her to him before I moved to Pittsburgh. Peter's daughter Laura is on the left. Not sure who the other man is on the right. Probably Peter's brother, I would guess.
I will just say that it was my mom who first mentioned, "Gee, maybe if you had stayed in DC, that would have been YOU marrying him after his wife died."
I hadn't even thought of that until she said it. I really didn't. My main thought was, "haleluyah, closure at last." But now the what-if's have crept in. I hate that. Pete said that's the first thing HE thought of.
So, we played it out. If I had stayed in DC, rather than moved here to pursue a relationship with Pete, I would have continued to see Peter most likely, and continued working at the same place too. Whether or not we would have kept our relationship going is an unknown, but if it lasted 8 months more, I would have been there to help him through the loss of his wife Lynn. Dealing with that all alone must have been terrible. But, the GUILT that I would have had to deal with, would have probably killed me. Especially if it was a suicide, which I will never know. Then there would be his 3 kids to meet, and try to help THEM deal with losing their mom, and the guilt would have torn my guts to shreds.
I don't know if 3 years of taking care of an old woman is any BETTER than dealing with all that or not, God knows it wasn't an easy thing to do. Pete's mom AND my mom both moved in with us, before we even got married. She had Alzheimers' AND bipolar. I have never been a caregiver nursing aide person, but for three long years, I did my best to care for her....all the while, wondering what the HELL happened to my life.
So I wouldn't have had Florence to take care of. But, who knows if Peter's parents or even Lynn's parents would need some caregiving at some point too? I would have inherited the ghost of his first wife, been compared to her by his kids all the time, suddenly thrust into parenthood with another man's kids, and probably would have to keep working full time. Maybe the stress of all THAT was much worse, according to God's will, than what I chose. I'll never really know.
The sex with Peter was incredibly awesome, I won't lie, and THAT I will always miss. But, when I look at Charlene's eyes in that photo, I see someone incredibly happy, in love, and getting her submissive needs met by a man whom I loved with all my heart for nearly 3 years. I'm glad for her.
I never dreamed they would get hitched, of course, but I really wanted to introduce her to him, since we had shared so much of our love life stories with each other. I thought maybe (even though she was married and so was he), they would be able to become friends. I guess they did.
So in my weird way, I am glad that I was the bigger person, for bringing them together, even though it hurt ME the way they both treated me. They didn't have to do that. I wouldn't hurt either one of them or their families in any way, and though I might have SAID I would five years ago, it was only out of hurt and anger from being treated so badly.
I am actually happy for them both.
I also know that they both went through some major shit of their own during those same 3 years after I left. So all three of us had our own hell to go through, Charlene with a divorce from her first husband, changing jobs, taking on 3 kids who may or may not like her much...I don't think she works anymore, either, which is a shame because she was hugely intelligent and I admired her for that. She's had to readjust her life, move from her old place into Peter's home, live with Lynn's ghost every day, and try to become a housewife and mother all at once.
And Peter went through his own hell, with job changes, his wife either being very sick or suicide, (he'd known her since they were both 15 years old), and dealing with her funeral, his own grief and guilt for cheating on her all those years, his kids and their grief, his new job, etc. Plus seeing Charlene on the side. I always told him the stress level that he deals with every day will kill him early. It really takes its toll. So, I predict that Charlene will most likely end up a widow at some point, but for now I hope they are both happy together.
Pete actually said to me, (after I told him all this....I couldn't hold it in for very long)...."Maybe you should send them a wedding card, and explain that you now know all these things, and would like to start over as friends."
I looked at him like he was crazy. "HELL NO," I said. "I am not opening Pandora's box with those two people ever again, they would only hate me more if I ever contacted them again anyway and wouldn't listen to my explanation of anything, and what would be the point? They aren't capable of being REAL friends to me anyway. They both treated me horribly when I moved here, and I can't let them get close to me ever again. It hurt way too much."
Pete agreed with that. The first year with Pete, here in Pittsburgh, must have sucked royally for him. Seeing me grieving, crying all the time, missing Peter terribly, always upset and angry, regretting my decision to leave DC, hating the jobs I had here through temp agencies, getting lost everywhere I drove, scared to death that I had made the worst mistake of my entire life....I'm sure there were moments where HE thought it was a mistake on his part too.
I'll never be able to get through all the "what if's" with any real knowledge of accuracy to any of it. They just get in the way of my satisfaction with the closure it has finally given me.
I don't think I could ever be married couple friends with Peter and Charlene, though. That would really mess with my head....and my heart. But the thought did occur to me....and I shared it with Pete.....what if we someday go to the club in DC and they are actually there---now that Lynn is gone, Peter can go anywhere he wants to---but when he was with me, he couldn't be seen in public at a BDSM club. What if they ever show up THERE, at OUR CLUB, around OUR FRIENDS, what the hell would we do??
I have no answer to that either. The odds of that happening are slim to none, of course, because Peter has a high security job and would probably get fired if anyone found out he attended a BDSM club. And why would he NEED to go there, now that he finally has a submissive woman to be with every day?!
You do realize, of course, that he cheated on his first wife all the time, which means even with Charlene, he'll probably cheat on her at some point too. That is a pretty good bet.
And karma is a strong force in this world.
But for now, just knowing how things transpired, what was going on with THEM while all the things were going on in my own life, and how we all were so entangled together....now it all makes sense.
I guess God knew I'd be better off here, with Pete, and guided me away from DC to be happier.
That's all I can settle in my head about the whole thing. Everything happens for a reason.
.........................Now, let's go there with you, Stephen......the what if's..........it's your turn..........
What if Kellie hadn't had cancer at all? Would you have married her? You didn't even know if you wanted to contact her at all because of her health issues. But you did. What if she were still alive now? Would you be planning a wedding? Would you have wanted to come back out on a stage to sing again? Do you want that now? I kinda doubt you do, or you would have already been doing it. Was it all just "new relationship energy," or was it really LOVE? Eighteen months with someone is still the "honeymoon phase," you know. That eventually wears off. The relationship inevitably changes.
I'm sure you've been through the entire list of "what if" scenario's in your head for the past 6 months since she died. It sucks, doesn't it. It's like you feel kinda haunted and have a yearning to want to find out "what if," even if it hurt more to learn the truth.
Would we have been happier if those people in our lives had stuck around longer than they did?
You probably say yes. For me, it's actually quite hard to say.
One thing's for sure, we'll both never know.
No more what-if's. It's over and done. It was great while it lasted though.
You and I have a lot in common my friend.
Love you lots. Bye for now.
----Rebecca
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