Today was the big party for Florence, and I actually survived, but just barely. I'm glad it's over. When you're dealing with bipolar AND Alzheimers, you just don't know what to expect any day of the week, much less when you're planning a special occasion like this. Tomorrow, after a day of being "high" and euphoric, she will inevitably crash and feel that life just isn't worth living anymore, etc., and that "down" could last several days after such a high. It sucks. But, that's the nature of the beast.
Here she is, the birthday girl.....hitting the big 9-0 on September 5th....(we had the party early because that's Labor Day and nobody will really travel during that weekend).
She had a fit about what to wear, earlier in the day, because "her knee-high's were showing" below her skirt....I said, "Then let's take 'em off, and go nekkid on the gams, and show the world you don't care!" So we changed her outfit, and she complained, "I keep telling you I don't WANT a party, but you never listen to me..." I said, "Ok, I'll just call the whole thing off, but first let me show you the cake, and the decorations..." and then of course, after seeing them, she changed her mind.
I mean, LOOK AT THAT CAKE! How can you NOT like that kind of thing?! (Well, ok, so maybe a GUY wouldn't be as thrilled, but a 90 year old woman?! Oh YEAH). She was blown away by it, and so were we. The guy who made this cake for us, also made our wedding cakes last year, so he said, "I know you ordered a quarter sheet cake, but the photo didn't fit, so I just made you a half sheet but I won't charge you extra for it." I thought that was pretty cool of him. It was DELICIOUS!!
Florence loves butterflies, and her favorite color is pink, so I decorated with those things all around our back porch area, and it turned out very nice. She was ecstatic when she saw it all..."You've done all this...for ME?!" I said, "That's 'cause I love ya, you silly old lady." She chuckled, and said, "I love you too." Now, that makes up for the past month or so of all the hardships that woman has caused me.
Pete and I, however, had a bit of a "tiff" the other night, he was in the other room talking to her, and she was having one of those "I'll bitch about anything and even make up shit just to get your attention" moments, and I'm sitting in the kitchen hearing every word of it, how "Rebecca NEVER gives me anything to DO around here, I'm bored, I feel useless," etc., (which is untrue...she just never WANTS to do the things I ask her to DO)...and then, she starts in on this "I want curtains on those french doors," (they separate our huge family room area from her sitting room (an adjacent pass through room). But, the last time she and I talked about the idea, she told me she DIDN'T want curtains, after I had told her that I DID, and so I was instantly annoyed when I heard this, (plus she was complaining about my mom, making up stuff that wasn't true about her, so I was starting to get angry)....and Pete comes in to the kitchen to get her night pills, and says to me, "Hey, mom wants some sheer curtains on those french doors..." and I made this angry face, and said, in a bitchy way, "Oh yeah? Well too bad, it's MY HOUSE and I don't WANT curtains on those french doors." He turned to me and said, "You're being a bitch." I smiled, and said, "So is she." And he said, angrily, as he walked away to go back to his mom, "Fuck you." I just smiled again.
I was SEETHING by then, thinking to myself, "Well I want a divorce you son-of-a-bitch, go run back to your mama and fuck YOU." Then I decided I didn't want anything to do with him, OR her, and I went to the small living room, grabbed a blanket and a pillow, and decided to sleep there that night. A little later, when my back protested from the uncomfortable position, I went upstairs and slept in our guest bedroom. We had exchanged a couple of text messages, where I said I am miserable, and he said he was too, and I said, "Well, if you hate me so much, then I won't sleep in the same room with you anymore." But he didn't answer that one, so I figured, "Ok fine then, whatever." (He claimed the next morning that he didn't GET that text from me until he woke up). I don't believe it though.
So, even though we have talked it out since then, I keep looking at him and repeating the facial expressions and anger and the nasty tone of voice he used, and I keep hearing the echoes of it in my mind, and now I just really don't trust him much anymore. Ya know? It's like, "you kiss me and tell me you love me, but I don't believe it because just a day ago you told me I'm a bitch and to fuck off." So, it's like another Jekyll and Hyde moment, and I just don't trust those "I love you" moments anymore. I guess part of me just turned off inside, somehow. I don't want to be with a man who is a Jekyll & Hyde, anymore than I want to be with his Jekyll and Hyde MOTHER. So for the past few days, I've been walking around on eggshells, feeling sick inside, and a ball of nerves, wishing he hadn't ruined my feeling of trust toward him like that. We've NEVER talked to each other like that before. Not once.
I figure, the honeymoon is over.
Today he was bragging about me to his cousin who came to see Florence for her birthday, and told him I'm a "saint," because I've been taking care of her for nearly 3 years, and I sat there thinking, "Yeah, listen to yourself, before you call me a bitch again and tell me to fuck off. You'll be the one taking care of your mother if I walk out that door." So, I still hear it, and see it, in my mind's eye, and it makes me more and more hard inside, ya know what I mean? Like, "Ok, so your TRUE feelings come out, that's just great, thanks." So all the OTHER lovey-dovet crap he says to me, is like, "Yeah I don't believe it."
I have a very LOW trust quotient with men. Now I feel rather cut-off from him, like I have to censor myself and hide how I really feel, because he's more attached to his mother, than he ever will be to ME. I will never come first in his life, I'll always be on the Top 10 list, sure, but never NUMBER ONE. And frankly that angers me. Why the hell did I marry some guy just to be in his Top 10?? Screw that. I deserve better. I was in the Top 10 of a MARRIED MAN before I met this guy, but I loved him for what he COULD give me, and he NEVER treated me like that, in the 2.5 years I was with him.
So anyway, this party is finally over and done, and I'm happy about it. Tomorrow we are going to Kennywood to ride some roller coasters and have FUN for a change.
Time for bed.
Love, Rebecca
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