Soreness and fatigue...

Hi Stephen,

I'm feeling rather sore and tired today...don't really know why...but my left shoulder is very tender and sore, it has been this way for weeks.  The chiropractor explained that when you get trigger-point massage, the nerve endings push the pain upward towards the skin, and as it moves closer to the surface, the pain intensifies.  My lower back is starting to feel sore too.  I'm falling apart, and I'm only 43.  GRRRRR!!!

Anyway, I'm going to lay down for a little while before lunch, but I wanted to write and say I hope my last blog entry didn't freak you out.  I mean, I can talk about sexual stuff without embarrassment, so I guess sometimes I just assume that everybody else can too.  To me, it's just another part of being human, like going to the bathroom.  Nobody likes to talk about that, either, but just like sex, we all have to do it.

Heh...I gave Pete a morning BJ today and it was over in like, 5 minutes.  I smiled at him, and said, "Done already?" And he said, "Well it's been awhile, so yeah..." (It's been a week).  Poor guy is so spoiled.  I think that's the only reason he likes me, though, and I tell him that every time.  He married me for my mouth.  I'm sure of it!  Most men can't stand their wives' mouths, because they are always nagging.  Mine is usually happier when kept full of a male appendage. What can I say?  That's just the way I am.

Anyway, you know that song, "It's Just The Rain?"  I was listening to that earlier on my way to the chiropractor (on that favorite mix CD I told you about), and though it has come to mind many times before, I realized once again that "I have LIVED this song."  I have just never told anybody about it before.  I mean those lyrics, "Touch me....touch me crazy....how your....kiss betrays me," is classic...and I suspect it was written by somebody (you?) who once had an affair with a married person.  Am I right? Because that's EXACTLY how it sounds to me when I hear it.  Either the person the writer was involved with was discovered having an affair with a married person, or the writer of the song himself was having an affair with a married person.  Either way, I can totally relate to that song.

I think of Peter every time I hear it.  He's cheated on his wife nearly 20 years...I'm not the only one he's been with.  I know his wife knows he cheats, but apparently doesn't have the chutzpah to kick him out. And there are 3 kids to think about.  So, they remain unhappily married, but he goes elsewhere to get his kinky stuff taken care of, because his wife won't even venture anywhere near that territory.

Ya know, it's really quite simple:  if men don't get what they need, they will seek it elsewhere.  If women would just realize that 99% of men are NOT capable of monogamy, then the world would be FAR less confusing and complicated.  I mean, take the example of your buddy and pal, Neal Schon. The man has never been able to be monogamous in his entire life.  Why does he get married?  Who knows.  Maybe he thinks that's what he HAS to do, but at the same time, what he WANTS to do often wins out.  He has no self-control about women, apparently, and he should really explain that to somebody new he's interested in.  He should just get into a polyamorous situation, instead.  It would save him a hell of a lot of alimony payments!!  Polyamory is something Pete is interested in, but I haven't quite reached that same interest.

I mean, he and I talked early on in our relationship about the fact that neither one of us can be each other's "everything," and if there are things he cannot provide for me, in the bedroom, then perhaps if he found someone else who COULD provide what I needed in a safe, sane and consensual relationship, then he would be happy to provide that person for me.  We do "play" with others, on occasion, but we agreed that unless it's somehow supervised, or otherwise negotiated, we won't have intercourse with others.  We can do OTHER stuff, with other people, if the need is there, but intercourse would have to be negotiated between all involved before a decision would be made.

So, if I'm not giving him enough bj's, for example, (how many is enough?!), he might ask if he could go get one from someone else...and I would consider it, and then we would decide yes or no.  If yes, then I would just go about my business, and let him go.  As long as he came BACK to me, it's okay.  Not many people have the ability to be that sure of their relationship, but he and I really feel that we are.  We are confident in the fact that, even if we have some kind of "play" with someone else, that other person will NOT come between us.  It won't be tolerated.

Now...he often points out that I must also like this idea, because on our wedding day I told him (jokingly) that if YOU showed up, I'd be outta there....MIA.....for a few hours at least....hehehhehe.... but I sometimes wonder (and he has asked me this once before), if PETER ever showed up, and wanted to rock my world again....what would I do??  I toss that question around a lot in my head.  I haven't really decided anything concrete about it, though.  I am still torn about it.  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to have him as my Dom again, even part-time, and even without intercourse....but, I also miss the intercourse sometimes, so that might not be do-able, to just have one without the other with him.

I don't know.  What would YOU do if an ex that YOU loved with all your heart suddenly showed up and wanted to get jiggy with it again?  Would you talk with Miss Red Dress about it, or just go behind her back and do it, and never tell her at all?  Not many women have enough confidence in themselves to say, "Hey, go play, have fun, but come home to ME or I'll hunt you down like the dog that you are."  But, you see, that's where I'm different.  I DO have that kind of self-esteem and self-confidence.

If Pete isn't happy with me in the bedroom, then it's my DUTY as his WIFE, to find someone who CAN make him happy...because even without ME in the picture, I would want him to be HAPPY.  If he went behind my back though, without telling me, then he's gonna wish he was never born.  I'd rip him a new one.  So, I'd MUCH rather KNOW what he's doing, and with whom, than to be lied to.  Maybe that's weird, I don't know, but if I'm TOLD about it, I can then do the usual 12-step thing, and first go through the immediate denial, the grief, and the mourning...but then I can come back to, "he loves ME, he'll come home to ME, and if he's happy, THAT is all that matters."

Who wants to be married to someone who is UNHAPPY??  Certainly not ME.  I've had more than my fair share of negaholics in my life...I'd much rather be around someone who is happy, even if I'm not the one who can give him that happiness all the time...BUT.........so far, he's been quite happy with me, so that has never been approached as an issue between us.  Now, there are things that I feel are not met in MY needs, from him, and I've talked with him about it on several occasions.  But, I haven't sought to have those needs met by anyone else at this point.  I've thought about it, sure, but I haven't looked elsewhere to get those needs met.  I'd have to find a clone of Peter in order to really do that, I think.

So, last week I mentioned that "I need a little gush-gush," (code term for multiple orgasmic awesomeness), but it has been a whole week and I haven't had it yet.  Pete says tonight he'll oblige---- because it's the only night he has OFF from his play rehearsals----how convenient----so I just joke and call myself the "7-11 Wife," where I am only a convenience for HIM when HE has the time and energy for it, when HE wants it...not when I NEED it.  And, frankly, that annoys the hell out of me.  So, at some point, Pete may have to deal with my going elsewhere to get my needs met.  He SAYS he's okay with that, but we'll see.  If he just talks the talk and can't walk the walk, well, I'm sorry, but that's not my problem.

So, we're going to the symphony tonight, and hopefully after that, we'll have my gush-gush happy time, and if that's NOT going to happen, well then, he just may not get a bj for quite some time...and then it won't be a good one either.  I'll make sure of that.

If a woman like me doesn't get some happy gush-gush when she needs it, you'd better RUN dammit.

All this talk about nooky is making me hungry.  Lunch time!!! hehehehehe

Bye for now.

Love, Rebecca