Well, if nothing else, THAT will get your attention!!

Hello Stephen,

Happy Friday...I hope you have some fun plans for the weekend.  From this photo, you can probably guess the kind of fun I plan to have....mmmmuuuuuhahahahaha....!!  Yes, there is a kinky event going on this weekend, so it should be interesting.  I'm trying out my bj class, actually, to see what kinds of responses I get, and questions, and ideas, etc., so that I can be better prepared when I teach it at camp.

I'm making lots of things to bring along to camp, actually.  I have sewn about 20 pillow cases, I've added a corset back to my formal tea party dress, I've made 4 large fleece "popsicles" to put on our parade float, I've made signs for the side of the parade float cart, I have made a pink and black mini top hat with feathers and tulle and flowers, I've made a presentation board for my class, and COUPONS!!

Did I show you the coupon yet?!  I don't remember if I did or not, but Pete and I made it on the computer, and we love it....we turned this photo (which is friggin' HOT):

into this coupon....

Yessssss, we did. Will I give any of these out to certain men? Mmmmaybe.  *WINK*

If you want one, you'll have to come to camp!! hehehehe

And I'm taking this "meme" from Facebook, and putting it into buttons to pass around to everybody:

I'm also making this into a button to pass around:

So it's going to be a fun time, and we like to bring lots of "swag" to give out to everyone!!

Ya just gotta let loose once and awhile, and go with your gut about some naughty stuff now and then. It keeps life interesting.  I mean, I just don't understand people who don't let loose now and then, ya know?  Why keep your butt cheeks so clenched, so tight, that you can't even breathe right??  Why not allow yourself a little naughty fun, every now and then, and know that it's not hurting anybody?  Just toss your inhibitions out the door, get naked, and PLAY.

After every meal at camp, and after all the announcements are made for various events and classes and other goings-on planned for the day, the Master of Ceremonies and Head Honcho, gets up and says deeply in a baritone voice, "NOW GO GET NAKED AND PLAYYYYYYY!!"  And everybody whoops and hollers and whistles and applauds....it's pretty awesome.

But some people, for whatever reasons, just can't let themselves HAVE FUN.  I don't understand it.

Today at the post office, I parked in the handicapped spot, (I'm used to doing that because my 90 year old mother-in-law, Florence, is usually with me), but I forgot to put up the placard.  My mom was sitting in the car waiting for me, and some old guy walked by, yelled "HEY!" at my mom, and smacked the handicapped sign that we parked in front of, pointing at it.  My mom grabbed the placard, yelled, "HEY!" and showed it to him.  "Well USE IT then!" he yelled.  She yelled back, "Kiss my ass!" And she stuffed it back above the visor.  (Yep, that's my mom)!!

I don't know WHERE I get my badass attitude. *GRIN*

Now, what I fail to understand is, why the hell do so many people out there get so uppity about shit that is none of their business? Why do they feel like they have to police the whole world, but not themselves?  I will never get it.  Life is too short to worry about what everybody else is doing, stuff that doesn't even AFFECT anyone else. Ya know? Don't waste your time trying to tell ME what to do.  Deal with your OWN issues, and problems, and situations, and leave mine alone.  Live and let live.  I'm guessing that guy must be rather conservative in his views, to say the least.  

Does he REALLY think I would deliberately park in a handicapped spot, risking a $250 fine like that, just to mail a 45 cent letter?!  It kinda insults my intelligence.  Sure, there MIGHT be idiots out there who do that.  I'm not one of them, however.  Yes, I forgot to put the placard on the rear view mirror, but it's THERE, it's LEGAL, and just because HE couldn't see it, didn't mean that it wasn't okay for me to park there.  Who the hell is HE anyway?? I didn't see a badge on his shirt.  People like him bug the shit outta me in a huge way.  I don't poke MY nose into other people's daily stuff, so keep yours outta mine.  He's the same guy I always get behind on a 2-lane road, going 10 miles an hour just to slow ME down. GRRRR.  Don'tcha just hate that guy?!  I know you know what I'm talkin' about.

No, in case you're thinking this, Florence was NOT with me this time.  But my mother WAS, and she has knee problems and can't walk long distances.  Sure, she sat in the car THAT time, but we went to several other places today, and it tires her out fast if she has to walk for very long.  I don't use the damned placard when I'm by myself, either.  I'm not a jerk like that.

Stephen, you of all people should know that, with a hip injury, or a knee injury, or a back injury, (Pete has a hip replacement and I have a slight case of scoliosis in my spine), walking can be HELL.  I'm sure YOU probably have a handicapped placard too, am I right??  But people who ABUSE that, or park in handicapped spots without one, are SCUM.  And I am not one of those scummy people.

Of course, I post a lot to Facebook, and I comment on other people's stuff.  That's different. You are welcoming public opinion by doing that, it's on display for everybody to read, so you must have WANTED some kind of comment or conversation about it or you wouldn't post it in the first place.  And if I say something you disagree with, you can unfriend me, block me, or just ignore me.

Also, I write on this blog because, well, it is my own form of cheap therapy, to keep my brain going when there are days of blah going on in my life.  I don't care who reads it, and I'm not forcing you to read it either. I'm not here to impress anybody.  No, not even Steve Perry. (He never reads it, so I'm in the clear there anyway).  And if he DOES happen to stumble on this silly thing, he won't read past the first paragraph because OH!! THAT PHOTO IS SO NAUGHTY! I MUST SHEILD MY EYES!

Yeah, sure, he MIGHT have been a badass rebel once, when he was younger, but I'll betcha he's changed into a more conservative type of guy in his old age.  That seems to be what happens with old people.  I don't know why that is, but I'm willing to bet that he doesn't really share in my naughty escapades on this blog with the same fervor that I do.  In fact, he might be appalled, disgusted, or simply annoyed by it.  Who knows.  I write whatever the hell is on my mind, and sometimes it might be rated G, R, or even XXX. Ya just never know.  I'm an enigma, what can I say?!  It's just the way I roll.

So....just to be clear, in case you 5,895 people are new to this blog....I am a very liberal, open-minded, free-spirited person.  I can talk about sex without being ashamed of it.  I can talk about BDSM without being embarrassed.  I say it like it is.  I cut through the crap, and get down to the nitty gritty.  I am brutally honest.  And just so you know, I will vote for Obama, because he's awesome and ADULT about fixing the mess that GW Bush left behind.  I'm very opinionated about political stuff, (if you haven't figured that out yet), and I will argue with you until I turn blue if I have to...but, if the argument is a strong one on both sides, I will then simply agree to DISAGREE with you, and move on.  Yes, I am very capable of doing that.  Not many people are you know.  I won't call you "Hitler" either.  I know better than that.  I studied Hitler and the Holocaust all my life, and believe me, anybody who does that is just plain IGNORANT.

And that, my friends, is one thing I will NEVER be.

I have a college degree, some graduate schooling, I worked in an MBA program at a prestigious college for several years, I worked at the place that created the GMAT test too.  I'm one of those book smart eggheads, the "grammar Nazi" type, but I'm also fun as hell at parties.  I'm a badass rebel frumpy nerd who loves Shakespeare, old movies, 70's music, and kink.  I hope that explains who I am a little better to anyone who gives a crap.  Frankly, I'm way more than most men can handle. *GRIN*

Today I've been thinking a lot about cancer, and my former friend, Monique.  I don't like saying "former" friend, actually, but she really burned the bridge between me, and our other roommate David. I decided today that I would try to find out more about what happened, and where to send flowers.  I searched all over the internet, for an address, or phone number, etc., and tried to locate her mother too. I had no idea if her mom was even still alive or not.  But then, something zinged me out of nowhere, and I thought, "Wait a minute...did I ever delete her from my contact list on my phone?"  And sure enough, there she was, right in my phone the whole time.  I never deleted her.  I haven't spoken to her in years, but I still had her info.  I don't like throwing away friendships, or deleting people I once felt friendship towards.  I still have my ex-boyfriend's info in my phone too...and that's been nearly 5 years ago.

So I call the phone number that I had for her mother, and SHE ANSWERED THE PHONE.  I was so relieved!  Yvette is in her mid to late 80's, I think, and yet she's still going strong.  She said she has missed me a lot over the past few years, and always wondered where I had gone to, and what I was doing, and she missed my dog Sassy too.  We talked a lot, and laughed about some old times, and I told her I would print out some photos of her, with Monique and I and Sassy together, and she was very happy about that.  I told her I would send flowers to her home, also, since there is no funeral.  Monique found out only four weeks ago that she had cancer in her liver.  Surgery didn't work, chemo made it worse, and she died yesterday.  She wanted to be cremated, so that is happening tomorrow at 9 a.m.

I worry about my mom, actually.  She already has COPD, and uses a C-Pap machine at night to sleep, (she has sleep apnea).  She coughs a lot, though, and that's one of the symptoms of lung cancer.  If I told her that, she would dismiss it and tell me I'm a worrywart.  But, I DO worry about her, because the doctor told her if she didn't quit smoking, she would be in for some hard times ahead.  My mom, however, is stubborn as a mule about it, and won't let anybody "take that one thing away from her." 

I try to tell her that nobody wants to take anything away from her, we are just concerned about her being healthy and living longer.  She has quit many times, and could do it again, if she set her mind to it.  I said to her, "You do know what a miserable and painful death cancer is, and how horrible it will be for ME to sit and watch you die that way, right? If you don't quit for YOU, think about how NOT quitting will inevitably affect ME."  I don't know if my words sunk in yet or not, but dammit, I would like to keep my mom around for a few more decades, ya know? She is so damned stubborn.

Anyway, so I'm thinking about my own mortality today, and I worry that there's some kind of disease or something growing inside of ME like that, totally unexpected, that might suddenly reach out and bite me in the ass like it did to Monique.  I worry that I might die before Pete, or that he might die before me. I worry that my sisters might die before I do, or how will they handle it if I die first?  I worry about my best friend Laurie croaking before I do, or worse, being at my funeral.  I just feel a looming sense of dread, all the time about dying.  I mean, yeah, I know it's gonna happen, and there's nothing I can do about it, but it still fills me with a sense of hopeless resignation, you know?  Like, well FUCK IT, I'm gonna eat some damned french fries, what do I care?!  It makes me feel like being reckless and wild and just angry at the world.  

The harshness of such a sudden death really smacks a person upside the head, I guess.  Consider myself smacked. We may not have been friends for the past 5 years or so, but I never wanted Monique to go through such a scary and sudden imminent and painful death like that.  I mean, that girl had such a messed up life, man, it just seems so unfair that her death would be just as messed up, ya know?  Why couldn't THAT at least be an EASY thing, in her sleep, painless, peaceful...that would have been the NICE thing to do for her, God.  

But nooooo, she had to endure a lot of pain in her life, and then she had to go through a lot of pain at the end of her life too....I mean, how awful, to know you only have a few weeks to live....that must have been horrible for her....and her poor son is apparently beside himself.  They were very close, and I know she adored him.  I feel sad for him now too.  But Yvette, wow, she said, "I don't dwell on the sad things, I would rather remember the fun times, and the happy things, and so I am not worried about her anymore, like I always had been." She seemed actually somewhat relieved, and didn't cry, or break down, or choke up even ONCE.  She lost her other daughter in 2007, I was there at the funeral.  So to outlive TWO of your kids, wow, that is just so wrong and harsh and mean and cruel...I mean, Yvette is from France, and at age 15, she crawled underneath Nazi trucks, with a nail and a hammer, to poke a hole in the fuel tanks---she could have blown up at any moment, doing such a thing----but she did it anyway, she was a rebel, she was a resistance fighter, and she hated the Nazis. She is as spunky as ever, even now.  I love Monique's mom, and I am very glad to know she's still kickin'.

Well, anyway, I sent flowers, I told Yvette I would come visit her soon, (and I will), and we'd go out and about and have some fun like we used to.  She was very happy to hear from me, and took my information down again, and asked me if I am happy now that I am married and living in Pittsburgh.  I paused before I answered...am I??...yes....I guess so...it's a different life, for sure, than what I had in DC.  But, overall, Pete is someone who came into my life when I was really and truly (at least mentally and emotionally) at the end of it, and kinda brought me back from the brink.  So, yeah, I guess I'm happy that I am now living a different life, I just wasn't prepared for such a busy life, I think, or taking care of a 90 year old woman.....nor did I really WANT such a life......but, you really can get used to just about anything after enough time goes by.

Monique was 56 years old.  Pete is 54.  My mom is 63.  I am 44.  Florence is 90.

Speaking of Flo-Flo, she's doing pretty well at the facility so far, it has been one week since she's been there, and we have not visited her.  I brought her some candy and a card, but we were advised to give her more time to readjust herself to get used to being there first.  Pete might go see her on Sunday, but for a short time.  The thing is, when a family puts a loved one into a facility like that, it means they are now going through grief and loss, mourning her upcoming death...because really, it's a new leash on life for HER, but for US, it's a loss, I miss her already.  She gave me a sense of purpose, ya know?  I had someone to cook for, cut the meat up for, bathe, dress, undress, get drinks for, clean her room and bathroom for, watch t.v. with, talk to, take places.....she was like having a kid, I guess, but now that kid is gone, and suddenly I'm noticing just how deafeningly quiet a silent house can be.  Her bedroom is nice and clean, her carpets are newly scrubbed and fresh, but she's not there.

I guess I am going through a period of depression and grief right now.  Too many people I know have died this year.  And Florence, well, she might just surprise everybody and live to be 120.  I sincerely doubt that will happen, but the sense of relief, knowing she's being cared for better than I ever could, knowing she'll be happier by being kept busier than I could ever keep her, knowing she's meeting new people and making new friends, is rather comforting.....but that relief is also mixed with a very sad goodbye....she's moving into her last moments of life, and we are left behind to grieve.  Pete and I have not yet made arrangements or funeral plans.  We know it has to happen.  We know it'll be hard.  We just can't seem to bring ourselves to do that yet.

Ah well....I'd rather post more naughty pictures and think about camp and all the fun we're going to have.  It's just....this time, there is also as sense of guilt....looming over us.  So even a vacation away at camp is seeming like a daunting time of worry ahead.  But, at least I'll be naked, running around in the woods, laughing, and trying hard to enjoy myself.  I think that is something I really need, some fun.

Well Stephen, sorry to be a downer, didn't mean to slip into that mode......but the next couple weeks are going to be busy for me.....so I wanted to make sure I covered all the bases in my crazy life before I leave for those 9 hedonistic and heavenly days.  There are times when I feel all alone in this house, especially when Pete's not here....and there are times when I wish I could be all alone in this house, mostly when I felt overwhelmed by Florence....and then, thinking about that makes me feel badly and guilty, what an awful thing to say about someone I miss so much....

Ah well...I'm only human.  I am a mixed bag of emotion, all rolled up in a conundrum, mixed with a little bit of whacky weirdness.  I am all the flavors you could imagine, all rolled into one.

Bye for now.

Love you lots....have a great weekend.  

I'm off for some reckless and rebellious debauchery, halleluyah.

---Rebecca