* OPENING UP PANDORA'S BOX *.......(creeeeeak)...sighhhhh.....okay everybody, fasten your seat belts.....here goes. DISCLAIMER: If you're not over 18, then get the fugg outta here or I'll tell your mama and bite your face off.
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DO YOUR BLOW JOBS SUCK? Or, "Saving the World, One Blow Job At a Time."
My experience and class instruction regarding this very important subject.
By Rebecca H., ------with a possible author-pseudonym coming soon....stay tuned.
Did somebody say BLOW JOB?! How many of you readers out there just blushed? A touchy subject indeed. Very taboo in many circles. Tsk tsk. Naughty naughty. But, if you can take a moment and muster up an open mind, or if you like watching or listening to Dan Savage talk about sex to college students, or if you secretly like photos and videos of blow jobs on the internet, then what the hell, let's just sit down like pals and talk about it, and work through the uncomfortable "comfort zone" awhile. I'll gently hold your hand through it, I promise. Come on, it might even be FUN!
The penis, as everyone knows---thanks to Hugh Hefner---has been the center of this universe---at least the main focus on this planet of ours----since before the dawn of time, or Hef's birth, whichever. Why, even our country's national monument is a phallic symbol! What? You don't believe me?
Nuff said. Rather clever, huh? Somewhere that guy is a legend (in his own mind) for this photo.
Everywhere you look, sex is on the television, internet, video games, in magazines, books, plastered on billboards, you name it. It's all around us, all the time. Sure, mostly you see the female form, the ta-ta's, the bikini's, the lips, the curves. You don't often get to see sexy images of men and their naughty bits. But if you HAVE seen those images, why then is discussing the penis and talking about blow jobs, thought of as such a "negative" thing? It truly does not have to be that way.
Let's ease ourselves into it, however, without the overreactions, the initial shock or the feigned horror. Let's just talk about it, little by little, and maybe you'll come to feel more comfortable as we go along. I'll be gentle with you, dear reader, I promise. Maybe the Washington Monument phallic symbol didn't feel so gentle as you made your way down the page to it, but it'll get easier as you go, you have my solemn word.
Playboy magazine. Two words that initiate grins and raised eyebrows from men, scowls and frowns from women. Yet, it has existed for decades. It has changed everything between men and women. No one can dispute that claim, yet the controversy and arguments surrounding the subject matter still rage on...which, I might add, just adds to the sales of said magazine. It's a vicious circle really, but one that many people enjoy spinning around in for fun.
Playboy is actually rather tame, compared to some things I have seen and experienced myself over the years in the "kink" community. The cartoons are funny! In fact, I met one of the artists of Playboy magazine, Mr. Doug Sneyd, recently and I told him about my idea to teach about this subject. It totally blew his mind. He was all for it! The articles in Playboy are always very well written, valid, and thought-provoking. It is a phenomenon that housewives everywhere have never been able to fully understand, but it has saved many a marriage in this society of ours, so the mystery of it continues.
But that leads us all back to the penis. The penis is one of the least understood appendages on earth. If you think of it only as "something men pee out of," well, you're not even close to the full description. If you can rattle off the anatomical definitions of every muscle, vein, and part of the penis, you're only skimming the surface of what the penis truly is. If you think of it as a mysterious part of the man you love, you're getting warmer, because it really IS mysterious. It works just about the same for most men, sure, and it even looks pretty much the same too, on just about every man out there. Why is it so mysterious then? I'll tell you why: it's what you DO with it, that causes it to become totally unique!
So, I would like to address all parents in general---I hope you all know the secret about having small children: keep them busy and distracted enough all day long to tire them out so they will sleep a full eight hours at night, am I right? That was my philosophy as a babysitter, at least. I don't have kids myself. But, let's experiment with that philosophy, with the penis. The same thing can be applied to this wonderful appendage!
If you keep the penis busy, and distracted for awhile in the morning, afternoon, or in the evening, do you know what happens? MAGIC. Absolute magic. Every time. And that, my friends, is a universal truth. So many potential things can happen from just a simple blow job. Women, (and gay men), I want you now to put on your magician hat, and think of yourself as a wonderful and wise wizard, a magnificent "Merlin" if you will, because YOU have the power to unleash that magic.
Yes, you do.
Insert the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE theme song here.
"This mission, should you choose to accept it, will self-destruct in"....well....um, in any given length of time, (depending on your man), and depending how well your tongue works, really.
Oops, did that sentence shock you? I do apologize.
Please allow me to explain. You'll be fine, I promise.
You have the magic power, my friend, to save the world. One blow job at a time. Yes, it really is true!
Let's call it by its real name, for those of you who feel uncomfortable with "blow job." Fellatio. This fine art has been around since the caveman days, folks. It's nothing new. It's even sometimes thought of as "not really sex" by many teenagers out there who want to remain a "virgin." In my day, it was just as potent as going all the way, and I vowed to the gods above that I would NEVER put my mouth on that THING that men PEE out of, it was disgusting, horrid, how could ANYONE do such a thing?!
But, I'd like you to stop a moment and clear your mind of all that past fear and calm yourself.
Think about it. If more men, politicians, world leaders, CEOs and others who deal with stressful, powerful, high-level jobs were kept busy and distracted with MORE powerful and BETTER warm mouths of their partners, more often, it stands to reason that they would have much less time, need or inclination to start wars, destroy things, be violent, negative, or even angry. Wouldn't you agree?
I would even go so far as to say that this truth of which I speak would also pertain to just about every man with whatever job he has, in every walk of life. Fellatio is the favorite fountain of fun! It can change your relationship, it can enhance your marriage, it can turn an otherwise boring day into an awesome one, just by the touch of your lips and tongue! And it can put a man to sleep immediately afterwards too, if done long enough, and with enthusiasm! It is the ultimate stress-relief for a man.
Stress kills people, stress makes people gain weight, stress makes people lose their marbles. It can ruin friendships, relationships, professional courtesies, friendly neighbors, and like a ripple effect, it does eventually affect everybody around you. Think of the guy on the highway who just cut you off, and then flipped you off as though it was your fault! Road rage! Think of the frustrated telemarketer who becomes rude when you keep telling him "no, you're not interested." In everything you do, and everywhere you go, you will encounter stressed out people. It is all too common. But, what if it wasn't? What if we could eliminate that stress level a bit, and see what happens?
Just like laughing helps with your attitude, outlook, health and chemical balance in your brain, fellatio actually has a similar effect: it helps men to DE-STRESS. In fact, as a related subject, you can Google this if you don't believe me---if you take the time to massage your man's prostate gland, (lift the naughty bits out of the way and massage the place underneath them with your knuckles, or thumb, gently and repeatedly), you will reduce your man's risk of getting prostate cancer by 75%. Imagine that! It is a medical fact.
Therefore, you, dear reader, have the magical power to potentially save your man's life, or at least prolong it, just by doing that simple thing. A wise man once said, "If you don't lose it, you'll lose it," when discussing the body's functionality. If a man's prostate isn't massaged, or touched, the gland will eventually weaken, leaving it potentially at risk for disease. Therefore, if you don't massage, touch, suck on, or lick the penis very often, well, just think of the awful consequences!
We can all CHANGE THAT! We all have the power to save the world, one blow job at a time!
I am not a doctor, dear reader, but I have learned this information regarding the prostate and blow jobs, from reading many studies on these subjects, and trying these ideas out myself. My husband recently was told by his doctor that his prostate is as healthy as a man in his 30's. My husband is 54 years old. We have been married two years so far. Impressive, isn't it? What have you got to lose?
Can you imagine, as John Lennon once did, a world where all men lived in peace? You, dear reader, have the power to create such a world. It's right in the palm of your hand----and it's in your mouth too. So let's gently move from the subject of prostate massage to the subject of blow jobs, shall we? Come on, you can do it. I have faith in you, my friend. It'll be okay. I am still holding your hand.
You may have the "big fear," about blow jobs...fellatio..."sucking cock," whatever you prefer.
If you can't laugh at the penis, folks, you really need to lighten up, have a few drinks, and relax. It's a funny looking thing, isn't it? Put some Groucho Marx glasses and mustache on it, speak a funny voice for it, and you've got yourself a laugh riot right in your own bedroom! Come on, we've all done it!
Okay, if you haven't done it yet, you really should try it! You'll thank me later, you really will.
So what then is that "big fear," you ask? Well, it has to do with something called the GAG reflex. GASP!! Yes, I know, COMFORT ZONE AGAIN, but please, you must know that I have to talk about this subject, because it seems to be the number one fearful thing that prevents more people from performing fellatio on their men. Seriously, this is the one "big fear" that a lot of people have, that keeps them from performing really good blow jobs on their partners. That pesky gag reflex is very annoying, it's very frustrating, it's scary, it's even disgusting because---don't close your eyes to this, dear reader, it's very important---because it could lead to...well...it could lead to vomiting on the penis.
WAIT! Yes, I know! Nobody likes that visual image! Nobody likes talking or reading about such a thing! But we need to talk about it folks, in order to get over that fear. Facing your fear is the only way to overcome it, we all know this to be true. So let's take a deep breath, and talk about it, as adults.
Breathe. Close your eyes. It's going to be okay, really! You can do this!
Some women have told me in the class that I have taught a few times about blow jobs, that brushing their teeth will cause the gag reflex to happen. Some people have told me that swallowing prescription medication pills often make them gag too. I never realized just how often this happened to so many people in their daily lives. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, the gag reflex. Your body just suddenly takes over, you have no control over it, and if you've had a big dinner before going down on your man----oh, heaven forbid, just the thought....what if you should actually vomit on his penis?
Well, I would imagine if that actually happened, you would apologize, clean it off, and start over again. But, that's just me. I am a chronic overachiever. Quitting is an EPIC FAIL in my opinion. Only when my man has finally exploded from ecstasy, is my "mission" of the blow job totally accomplished. Never allow such a silly thing as a gag reflex or possible spittle stop you from achieving ecstasy!
Yes, I have been told these awkward stories by several people, they were horribly embarrassed and disgusted by it. In fact the relationship was often ended because of it, and unfortunately, their self-esteem level took a nose-dive because of it too. That saddened me so much, I felt the need to write about it. So here we are. Still with me, my friend?
I hope you still have your magician hat on! Here's the first trick I'm going to teach you about the gag reflex. You can train yourself NOT to gag. It definitely IS possible to accomplish that, with practice. You can, in fact, train your body to do lots of things, with practice. Long-distance runners don't just put on a pair of sneakers and take off running 100 miles all at once, do they? No, they start out slowly, they train themselves, they stretch their muscles, they work their way up to it, and practice. The same thing goes for the gag reflex.
Try this: go wash your hands, then reach into the back of your mouth right now, with your first finger, and touch the uvula, that silly looking thing that hangs down at the back of your tongue. Just gently touch it. Did you gag? That's a very normal reaction if you did. Okay, breathe for a moment. Now do it again. Just gently touch it, rub it, and keep doing that for awhile. If you cannot seem to control the gag feeling, try it again tomorrow, when you are relaxed and have at least 30 minutes to do it. And then do it again the next day. Keep doing that simple thing, over and over, practice in front of a mirror, and you will be amazed at how your body, your uvula, will start getting USED TO your finger touching it. It will start getting USED TO something being there, rubbing it. Trust me, I am telling the truth. I have actually done this for myself!
This is how you train yourself to give better blow jobs. Oh, there are lots of other things you can do, too, as an improvement for giving head, but this one seems to be a very big concern for a lot of people, so if gagging is a problem, please give this a try and see if it works for you.
If it doesn't work for some reason, you can purchase some numbing ointment like Orajel, and rub it on the back of your tongue and put it on the uvula right before you give someone a blow job. It will help a lot. You need to be relaxed, and focused on what you are doing, of course, but you also need to trust that your body will react as you have practiced it to react, or trust that the numbing ointment will help you to avoid the gagging feeling.
Here's the thing that makes a person squirm when discussing such a topic: if you gag, and accidentally spit up a little bit, or if your eyes water from it, or if you have a slight moment of panic, SO WHAT?! I will now reveal to you, the magician, yet another universal truth that nearly every man in my blow job class claimed as the absolute most brilliant truth ever in the universe, and that truth is: "the wetter, the better!"
That is truly what most men say about blow jobs, you know. The more saliva you have while giving a blow job, the warmer it feels, and the warmer it feels, then the better and faster the penis moves--and even if you gag a little, it still creates a better blow job experience for both people.
Some men even think it's rather sexy for you to gag a little bit! I mean, think about it, they suddenly feel GARGANTUAN-SIZED down there, knowing that it's "too much" for you to take in! What an ego boost! It's really quite sad that so many people view it as a negative thing, when in fact, the opposite is true. If your partner has an understanding heart and and open mind about it, sometimes even you can laugh with him afterwards about the experience, and effectively get over the fear of it, and that will ultimately pave the way for you to keep practicing until the gag reflex is no more!
It really is that simple. Now breathe. That's all I wanted to share with you this time. And look, as promised, you survived! And you're fine! You did it! I knew you could. Very proud of you!
I will write more about the art of fellatio again soon, and I hope that you have managed to recover from this first attempt of mine. Please try to re-read this article, dear reader, and think seriously about whether or not you can now handle a little more knowledge about the penis, and blow jobs, in future articles. I do hope we can become good friends and enjoy this amazing and fun hobby together!
My goal is simply to help you get over your taboo attitude, and fear factor, and learn a little bit more about blow jobs, dear reader, without too much embarrassment, or upset. I sincerely want to help you achieve your magician's goal of saving the world, prolonging your man's life, and enjoying something you previously didn't know how to do very well.
Now that we're friends and shared a few laughs, let's meet again soon, and continue our discussion, shall we? I look forward to it!
With warmth, licks and a big wet sloppy kiss,
from your favorite naughty girl,
"OLIVE GIVENHED!" -----this may change. I'm working on other potential pseudonyms!
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What do you think about THAT, Stevie baby?! I don't know, I mean, it's just a first draft, but maybe it's something I can work on and make better. Very wordy, I know, and probably too many comma's or something lame like that going on, but this is the first draft so cut me some slack, Jack, and I'll edit it some more. I really don't want to sound like I am being condescending either, but I also don't want to be as brutally blunt about it as I normally would be with the kink community, because it might freak them out. The kinky people can handle blunt and brutal discussions like that, but not many vanilla people can.
So, yeah, I'll run it past Pete, and possibly send it on to Doug Sneyd too, (he's the guy who draws those funny cartoons for Playboy that I mentioned in the article, and who loves the idea and thinks I should write these kinds of articles for Playboy). We'll see if anything comes of it. If not, maybe at the very least I have saved a few relationships out there in "Steve Perry-land" filled with people who come here to read me gushing about how gorgeous and talented you are.
SURPRISE!! Betcha weren't expecting all THIS, were ya Perry fans?! Ah well, I'm full of surprises!
Bye for now.
Love, Rebecca ps. And if you want to test out my ideas, Stephen my love, please feel free to volunteer anytime. I'm game! Come on over, and prove me wrong if you dare! Mmmuuuhahahaha!!
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