So tonight Pete is taking me to see the following bands....groovy man, far out, totally diggin' it!!
The Turtles with Flo & Eddie
Mickey Dolenz
Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
The Grass Roots and
The Buckinghams
Should be pretty fun...the sad one is Mickey Dolenz without Davey Jones. I'm just glad we got to see the Monkeys in concert with him and have our picture taken with him (for my mom) afterwards, 6 months before he died. She really loved that guy.
Anyway, the only song I know from the Turtles is "Happy Together." Off the top of my head, I don't even KNOW the titles of songs from the other bands...that's how damned sad my young life is. I was born in the wrong decade. But, I know I will recognize some songs anyway, and that's fine.
I haven't heard back from the Huffington Post yet about my idea for a blog...they will probably think I'm a loon, so okay, whatever. I'll just keep being a loon and let those around me who already like me, go ahead and like me even more. Those who don't like me, can bite my butt, real hard, both cheeks.
Oh, and I do feel a little better though, with these steroids and inhaler, the bronchitis seems to finally be going away. I still have a cough, but it's more of a dry cough than a goopy one. I'm soon to be going on vacation with Pete so I don't want to drag this illness around with me. We are traveling a lot in September and October, actually. This weekend we're going to DC to see a play about the Marquee de Sade...very cool....that guy was awesome....and then Pete wants to go up to Ohio for a party Saturday night, but I may stay home. Next weekend we're off to visit his kids for their birthdays up in Rochester NY.
Then the last weekend in September, we're off to Virginia Beach, and then DC----12 straight days, 6 at each place. Should be pretty cool. There's a Neptune Festival going on in VA Beach that we signed up for at the Home and Garden show this past spring, we have to sit through one of those timeshare speeches, then say "NO THANKS," and then we get a $99 hotel stay for doing it. Cool. Then we're heading up to DC so that I can visit some friends from camp, and my "peeps" at the Museum (and one of my favorite Survivors, Manya, has been sick lately so I hope to see her...I can't bear the thought of her dying without me being able to give her a hug, tell her I love her, and say goodbye). Then we're attending a BDSM event there too, (Black Rose 25), for the weekend.
In October, Pete is taking me with him on a business trip to Atlanta Georgia. I have a friend who lives near there, so I hope to be able to visit with him and his wife and kids (whom I've never met in person but have seen many photos of on Facebook). The place is in a town with 700 people, with not much going on, and I believe I will most likely be very bored for the 4 days we're there, since the only thing they've got is a zip line, and there's NO WAY I'll be doing THAT. Plus we're going back to the place where our camp is held, in Maryland, for a kinky fun Halloween party weekend.
In November we're going to New Jersey for another BDSM event, called Brimstone. So, it'll be a pretty busy time, but I'm looking forward to it. Then it's back on the massive strict diet and exercise plan to get ready for camp in the spring!! I wanna look gorgeous and shed some more pounds. I've been lazy these past few months (and sick this past month too), so I haven't been keeping up with it like I should.
Stephen, yesterday somebody posted a photo of you in an airport, with Sherri standing behind you. You had this look of surprise on your face, and she looked like she was in a bad mood, or tired, not smiling or anything. I wonder, does she still "stick in your craw?" Does a little part of you still feel some type of love for her, despite all that happened? You know, like sometimes somebody you once loved kinda gets under your skin and burrows in for what feels like forever, and you just cannot shake that person out of your heart no matter how hard you try?
Well, it sucks if you do, doesn't it, because I've got that too.
I haven't told Pete about this, but yesterday I got an email from a friend of mine who wanted me to hook up with her on a networking web site called "Linked In," which I had never heard of, so I went to the site, and signed up, created a profile and stuff, and then connected to her.
Then a list of "other people I may know" popped up, and I sat there STUNNED to see my ex-boyfriend's name....Peter....wow....I stopped dead in my tracks and kept re-reading his name. Peter. Peter? PETER?!! Instantly, all those thousands of dormant shards of shrapnel left over from our relationship came out of nowhere and pierced through my heart.
I never expected that. I haven't thought about him in quite awhile. So, out of sheer curiosity, and still trying to figure out things on this new web site, I checked out his profile. I learned of his new job---which is very cool, I am proud of him for it actually because he's already been promoted in less than a year. He's a very intelligent guy, and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him back then.
So as I'm reading his profile, I thought, "Well, everything happens for a reason, I never expected to see his name pop up on a web site I've never been on before, so maybe I should send him a quick message." He didn't seem too happy the last time I tried to contact him though,---I'll admit I was a bit sneaky about it----contacting his son at college to ask for his email address, which he had changed----so I agonized about it for awhile, went away from the computer for a bit, then came back to it and took about an hour to write something....but, eventually I did finish it, and with a deep breath, I sent it.
Sadly, I never expect a reply from him though. But of course, then I spent the afternoon thinking about him after that. Sigh. I guess a person can easily get stuck in a reverie of good memories after not thinking about someone you used to love for awhile, right? I mean, it happens, so I just went with it and let it happen. I am moving my home office, too, as you know....or did I forget to mention that....? Anyway, I'm moving all my home office stuff, including some of my journals, from the upstairs landing to the downstairs area, in one of Florence's old rooms.
So, back when I was dating Peter...(long story)...our relationship was so....awesome....and so intense.....that I kept all the emails and chat conversations that he and I shared, because every time we talked online, I printed it out to keep it in a journal. I have about a half dozen journals full of our relationship on a daily basis. I just haven't sat down to re-read any of them. When I first moved to PA to be with Pete, I even thought about shredding them up as a way of having some closure. However, as much as it hurts to feel the loss of Peter, I just can't bring myself to do that because it's like I still kind of have a piece of him nearby, which is strangely comforting. But yesterday after I sent him a message, I perused through a couple of them, skimming around a bit, and I remembered everything like it all just happened yesterday. Needless to say, I was a bit emotionally drained by the time Pete came home.
I just wish I could tell Peter that I have these journals, because then he would know that I have had them all along, these past 5 years, and never ONCE thought about sending any of them to his wife. Yeah, he was married the whole time I was with him. I know, I know, I'm not proud of it. But I want him to know I would NEVER do such a thing, I would NEVER do anything to hurt him, no matter what.
We both said some harsh things to each other when he dumped me...he promised that he would keep in touch with me and be there for me if my new relationship with Pete didn't work out, and that we would be close friends forever, even after I moved to PA. But then I moved, and he suddenly just said, "Bye, I'm all done with you." It threw me into a depressing chaos for a long time. I actually started re-packing all my stuff again, planning to go BACK to him in DC, but eventually, Pete talked me out of it. I really wanted to remain friends with Peter forever, like he promised we would.
But, as relationships that end with hurt often do, we both said some pretty mean things to each other...and I am sure Peter was afraid I might do something to contact his wife and tell her about us, when he dumped me cold. But, despite my trying to tell him that I never would do anything like that the last time I contacted him, he was angry that I emailed his son to get his email address, and told me not to contact him ever again. I'm sure it seemed to HIM that I was stalking him or something, or might hurt him somehow, which I really and truly wasn't doing and would never do.....I just wanted to get some kind of amicable feeling of closure, ya know? I didn't want to carry around the pain of being so hurt and abandoned by him anymore. But he wouldn't let me. And so, the whole thing still sticks in my craw.
It probably always will.
I mean, sure, he's faded from my life, in the 5 years we have been apart, and I think about him only occasionally. Sometimes Pete mentions him too, and then we talk about him. But, it was still kind of a shock to see his name pop up on a web site I never knew about before. I feel weird about it, but sometimes ya just roll with what happens in life to see where it might lead, right? I don't know. Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I shouldn't have sent him a message at all. But, even though I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, strangely, I felt better and more calm after I did, so I guess that's something.
Sometimes love leaves an aftertaste in your heart that you can't quite shake, no matter WHAT else you drink to make it go away. Peter is someone I'll always love very much....if only in memories. If he ever DOES contact me again, I'll be shocked beyond belief. But deep down, I would still like to remain friends with him and get over the hurt and loss that I felt. That's not a bad thing to hope for, is it??
Well, I'm off to shower and get ready for the concert. I just hope my headache goes away before then.
Have a happy hump day, Stephen. Love you lots....xoxoxo
----Rebecca
No comments:
Post a Comment