Ahhh marital bliss. Bleah.

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for letting me vent last night, I appreciate it.  I didn't really speak to Pete much last night at all.  Just couldn't do it.  So today, he stayed home from work and we had a rather heated discussion.  I won't really consider it an argument, per se, but I told him that I am fed up with the double-standards, I'm fed up with the mixed signal communication, and I'm fed up with always doing things HE likes to do, and going places HE likes to go.  I told him I'm going to start going places I want to go, with or without him.

We agreed early on when we were dating that we do NOT have to be tied to the hip of each other, we can be independent.  But, when he had an angry outburst at me on the way home from the Georgia trip, just because I had gone to another aisle in Walmart to get my mom some pretzels, ("We were doing something TOGETHER, I thought, but then you just wandered off and frankly that pisses me off!)"  I told him that THAT was a mixed signal that annoyed the hell outta me.

We discussed the fact that I would like my best friend to come visit, which he didn't seem to understand.  He told me that THAT was a mixed signal he got from ME, because the last trip I made to Michigan to drop my mom off for a week and then pick her up the following weekend was exhausting, and he couldn't understand why I would want to do all that all over again.  I explained that I am LONELY 90% of the time around here, he's always gone, and it would be NICE to have someone to laugh with for a week, somebody I miss a lot.  Sure, she's not the most perfect friend in the universe, and yes, I cater to her all the damned time like an idiot, (submissive you know), but she's been my best friend since I was 15 years old.

I started to wonder if Pete was turning into a control freak.  I said, "You know, I really hope that you do realize that if you try to isolate me from friends and/or family, and start throwing angry fits about stupid shit from outta nowhere, and start treating me shitty like that, I'll be packing up my shit, leaving this place, and you, and I won't look back."  (This is not the first time I've told him that).  He's pushed my buttons a bit too much lately, and I let him have it.

We don't typically have many "discussions" that are so heated like today, but I told him, "Look, maybe by your standards, I don't socialize enough, or communicate as well as you'd like me to, but ya know, in the big picture of who I am, this is major progress---expressing anger was something I was never able to do when I was younger.  It took me a very long time to tell people NO, about whatever it was they wanted from me, or wanted me to do.

My therapist in college mentioned that it was excellent progress when I finally told her that I was angry at my dad (during my parents divorce). So, compared to the crazy bitches you married BEFORE me, maybe I'm not so damned bad after all.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, and yeah, ya know what, sometimes I'm set in my ways---especially about people. If the person doesn't enhance my life in some way, that person becomes dead weight and has to be cut loose. That's just how I roll.  I put up with too many loser boyfriends, too many abusive negative people in my lifetime, and I certainly will NOT put up with any of that shit from YOU."

This evening, after we kissed and made up, he took me out to dinner, and to a play.  Then he bought me new curtains for my big living room that I am redecorating.  I told him what I wrote to you last night, that I will not be packing his Boops, unless I do it with a hammer. He chuckled at that, but he also knew I meant every word.

So, long story short, we managed to have a good discussion, we smoothed out the bump in the road, and I think he understands me a little better now too.

I hope you're enjoying the weekend so far.  Don't forget to set your clocks back one hour tomorrow night!  Yay! An extra hour of sleep!!  I love that.

I'll be repainting our large living room tomorrow, with Pete and Simon helping.  Hopefully we'll get it all done before Pete and I go out to a bonfire party later in the evening.

The strangest thing Pete said to me tonight, after the play, on the way home was, "This may be a bit too soon to discuss such an idea, but what do you think about the possibility of moving back to the DC area in a few years, after my mom passes and your mom moves to England with your sister?"

I am still stunned by that.  I told him I didn't know if we could do that or not, it's really hard to say.

Anyway, if we moved back to DC, the ghost of Peter would probably haunt me even more than he already does.  He's always in the back of my head and sometimes I have dreams about him even now. I don't know if that would get worse if I'm in a closer proximity...ya know?

Well, I will write again soon.

Love you lots...xoxoxo ----Rebecca