My feelings are very hurt and I'm upset right now, because of my stupid husband. I really have been inspired to redecorate our largest living room, so I decided to get rid of the Betty Boop collection. But, our upstairs landing was empty, so I thought that would be a perfect place to display all the Boops. I put up new shelving, traded some bookshelves from the large guest bedroom, and lugged each and every one of those stupid Boops up and down the stairs all day long.
It turned out looking really cool, in my opinion. Not too cluttered really, considering how many there are. This is our upstairs landing, with the slanted ceilings that limit us on how we can decorate.
I worked my butt off all day long, and I was happy about it, so I sent Pete a text message with a photo, to show him before he got home. He didn't really say much about it, but I knew he was busy at work so I didn't think anything of it.
But when he got home and saw it, he got all upset saying "it's LUDICROUS" for me to display the Betty Boop's like this, because now the landing is "unusable space," and "he doesn't even WANT to collect these Boops in the first place," he just keeps getting them as gifts all the time. He tells me to pack them away and put them in the garage.
My heart sank, ya know? Like, he just invalidated my ENTIRE DAY of hard work doing all this, which makes me feel stupid about it, which then makes me feel like a total failure at pleasing him, and without ANY kind of positive reinforcement about it, it makes me also feel like shutting down completely and just never doing anything for him again. This is part of the submissive's curse. We want so much to make people happy, we do things like this thinking it would be a GOOD thing, only to learn that it made them UNhappy, which is like the kiss of death to anyone who is submissive, like me.
Then he spends a half hour in the bathroom, and apparently he had a moment of "oops," because after he comes out, he says, "Hey, I really appreciate what you tried to do..." but I'm sorry, it was just too little too late. That wasn't anywhere NEAR being an apology either. Not only does it make me sad and depressed, and upset, but the whole thing also makes me angry. I will not be touching these godforsaken statues ever again. If I do, it'll be with a hammer. I'll break each and every one of the goddamned things into a billion pieces and throw them in the garbage before I will be the one to pack them away and take them to our garage. They're NOT MINE.
But do you see a pattern here? Pete makes ME take care of HIS mother, he makes ME go visit her, and take her things, because HE doesn't want to do it. He does this to me all the time, and frankly I'm fed up. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't seem interested in anything I want to do, or anyone I'd like to spend time with...it's like I'm just existing here, as his roommate with occasional benefits.
Those benefits he seems to enjoy, unfortunately will be less occasional than they were before. Where is the incentive? Why do I WANT to have sex with a guy who treats me so shitty? I seriously don't. And if I cannot make him happy with this situation, there's no way I'm even going to ATTEMPT it in sex. The risk is just too difficult for me to deal with. I cannot handle disappointment like that.
He should know this about me by now.
He tells me yesterday in a text message that "any way I want to decorate the house is fine with him." So I tell him excitedly about the ideas I have, and plans I'm starting to formulate, and we discuss the possibility of getting a new sectional couch. So this morning, I tell him I'm going to start looking online for couches, and he gets all bent out of shape, snapping at me, "Why the hell do we need new furniture?" .....and he says it like he didn't remember anything we discussed already, the day before. He did the same thing when I said I wanted to go buy some paint...."oh, to repaint what we JUST painted less than one year ago?" in a snarky tone of voice. "Furniture should be bought once every 15 years or so, in my opinion, and painting shouldn't have to be done over again for at least 5 or more years."
What happened to "You should work on your interior design class," (which is partially why I'm doing this stuff), and "you can decorate the house any way you like?"
I just don't like this man one bit, at the moment. I really just don't like him.
Here's the thing....when I tell him later this evening that my best friend Laurie wants to come visit me, and I ask if we can we plan a time for me to take my mom up to Michigan and leave her there a week so Laurie can ride back to Pittsburgh with me to stay with us for that week, and then the following weekend, I can take her back and retrieve my mom....he acted all exasperated about it, telling me that "I thought you said it was too much and you were too exhausted and that the hotel and gas cost too much to do that, the last time you did it?" I calmly bit my tongue, and said in an even tone, "I'll sleep on somebody's couch." He didn't answer.
Now, at the same exact time he's telling me that the cost of hotel and gas to go to Michigan and do all this to spend time with my BEST FRIEND is just too pricey, he's also putting together a new TOY that he bought for himself, from Hammacher and Schlemmer. This is a $200 toy, by the way, that we didn't need. It's a "back stretcher," which he intends to use as a spanking bench for these home Spanko parties he wants to have in the future. So, it's apparently perfectly FINE to go off and buy a $200 item for himself, but gas and hotel is "too pricey" for ME to go and have a fun week with my BEST FRIEND.
I have no friends here in Pittsburgh. None. I was kinda happy that she wanted to come visit me, I've offered a few times previously but she was never able to before. She's never seen our house or anything, so it would be fun to have her here. He, however, goes off galavanting around and playing with other women, giving them massages, going to dungeons by himself to play with others, etc., while I just sit here twiddling my thumbs, feeling lonelier than I did when I was single.
The real reason he wants me to put the Boops away, I should mention, is so that he can put his OTHER $1,000 toy out there, which is a one-person sauna. It looks like the TARDIS on Dr. Who. Right now it's in the large guest bedroom which his friend Simon is occupying during his divorce. It's something he cannot use right now, because he doesn't want to be naked in front of Simon, there is no privacy.
However, Simon and I measured the stupid thing, and all the stupid spaces in the landing area, and IT WON'T FIT ANYWHERE without sticking out in the middle of the damned space. I told him this, but he didn't believe it, so he just NOW took a yard stick and measured, and announced, "I think it will JUST fit...but we won't really know until we get it out here."
So he absolutely intends to put that friggin' huge sauna out in the landing anyway, and THAT is why he wants the Boops packed away.
I am so disappointed in this man right now, I just want to cry.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I think the sad truth of the matter is, he doesn't understand my submissive side one bit, nor does he seem at all interested in doing so. I guess the time has come for me to find another Dom. One like Peter.
Are you available, Stevie-poo? *WINK* (It's just my fantasy).
Bye for now.
Love, Rebecca
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